We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,

“I like your shirt it suits you.”

You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.

People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.

You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.

By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.

Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.

When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.

19 thoughts on “Violator

  1. Pati says:

    HG I feel guilty even going on this blog talking about my N. Is this my emotional thinking creeping up on me?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, here and in consultation are the only places you should be talking about the narcissist because it is within the provision of logic.

      1. Pati says:

        Most definitely, I now dont feel so bad. Thank you HG

  2. Joanne says:

    “You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust.”

    Oh, but I am a cynic! I do operate on the basis of suspicion! I am always (internally) questioning others’ motives. This remains such a large part of my confusion and anger at myself for falling for him and handing over my trust so quickly and easily.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are not the cynic you think you are, Joanne!

      1. Joanne says:

        What makes you think that?!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Think what?

          1. Joanne says:

            You said I’m not the cynic I think I am 🤔

  3. kaydiva3 says:

    Every time I start to doubt that he was actually a narc, I read one of your pieces and it will perfectly describe something he has done.

  4. arcola6035 says:

    That’s been one of the hardest things for me to deal with, trust. I’m 54 and still have options but have decided not to ever date again. Just be happy with my friends and family. I have general anxiety disorder and the very thought of trusting another man sends me into an episode. Definitely not worth it. HG, thank you for the information you provide here and on YouTube. At least now I have the knowledge to spot another one

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Arcola.

    2. lisk says:

      Sounds like a good plan, arcola.

      Towards the end of my formal relationship with Narcx, he made a statement in passing about some woman in his sporting club, a statement that turned out to be a new modus operandi for him.

      Essentially, he gave me a big clue that he had recently realized that single women in their 50s are great targets, as they are on the hunt, i.e., they still have sexuality to express but worry that they’re not attractive enough to catch his type (handsome, older but young-looking, intelligent, professional) so they make an extra effort when they find someone like him and they HOLD ON.

      Two of his current IPSSes are—and look—older than me. I knew of them during our relationship but had always thought they were either just friends or crazy groupies because why would he cheat on a younger, more attractive honey??? I never thought they were competition.

      I never knew about FUEL.

      Of course, in one sense, his new choices are about facade management as well, because no one could ever say he left me for a younger woman.

      Anyway, by staying out of the running as you are, you’re avoiding narcs like him for sure. But beware he might find you anyway if there’s ever a crack, if ever feel too insecure or lonely.

      1. Joanne says:

        This is so real. I am mid 40s and I see it starting in women my age. Add to everything you said lisk: the ticking clock. Many of these women are desperately trying to grasp on to whatever youth they have left so that also makes them easy prey. I also feel like many of them are not so savvy when it comes to the games and manipulations that take place in 2019 (and I’m not only referring to narc techniques). They put too much out there on social media, make themselves too available, the obvious desperation, the list goes on.

        Another angle for your go to market strategy, HG. Dating defender for women re-entering the scene in their 40/50s.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Already covered, Joanne, but thank you for the suggestion.

        2. Lorelei says:

          Joanne—I agree with all you wrote. If I date again it’ll be an accident as I won’t do dating stuff/sites. It’s not something I’m comfortable with. We are the same age. We shall be soon wearing depends!

          1. Joanne says:

            Oh hell no, Lorelei! 40s are the new 20s girlfriend! 💁🏼‍♀️👠👙💄👗💃🏼

          2. Lorelei says:

            Haha—Christie Brinkley is my inspiration. Please tell me she’s not a narcissist!

  5. AR says:

    “Remember, woman is the most treacherous creature”- words of the narc (when i was telling him about my mother)

  6. lisk says:

    I distrust plenty. I am super-cynical.

    However, I get tired of the negativity and slip into illusions that there is something better out there or on the way (but I am believing that less and less as I read this blog…and I am thankful.)

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