Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.
1. Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.
2. Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”
3. Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.
4. Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.
5. To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.
6. Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.
7. The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of your will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.
8. Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.
9. Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the angry. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.
10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.
11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.
Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.
But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?
1. Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.
2. This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.
3. If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.
4. You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.
5. We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.
6. You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.
The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.
26 thoughts on “Sounding Off”
My narc didn’t officially discard me until after I left him, I had to do many things to get him to turn me to black, after I figured everything out. He does still try to hoover me, but to his dismay I don’t get pulled back in. I truly say nothing or answer as he talks at me. I believe he gets fuel just by my being on the other end of the telephone, but he gets NO reaction. I wish I were at a point to do total NO contact, but because of business dealings I cannot yet. It’s coming.. I felt every single thing you wrote above. Your articles are so helpful. Thank your for sharing your intellect. I will take you up on a consultation soon, to not get ensnared by another of your kind, as apparently I still have the sign shining that I am a perfect fuel source.
* July 28, 2018, 4:57 a.m
My name is Ry-an.
In love, I’m rich.
If-I were a sandwich,
mother fucking shit bitch, burlap bag of shit britch, high and mighty shit ditch, digging in my pocket, fuck you!
Middle finger in your face.
Mental image on my phone.
I wanna want to tell you, wanna want to fucking say,
I don’t know.
I wanna wanna want to, but-I don’t really want to wanna.
Want to know why?
Okay, here I go.
Check me out: I’ve got the looks,
like a pig with no snout; I’ve got the books,
got the sour–no kraut; I’ve got the cook,
ease you into my doubt.
What am I talking about? Want you to know, I’m a sucka motha fucka;
I’ll splatter in my corts, I’m a busta motha fucka.
Covered in warts.
My soul is lumpy and green, my face looks like I am mean. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?
Ever seen the inside of a garbage can? Well, duh!
What goes in there? Only trash.
What can the world kiss? My fucking ass.
Do you ever want to have kids? I’m laughing last.
Who is the person that you miss most? I rollercoast.
I climb the most.
Let’s have a toast.
Don’t mean to boast.
I always drop.
I fall the most.
Can’t even see.
Won’t even look.
At what’s right in fucking front of me.
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, you camel jockey mother fucker, always singing wonder wall, with your jungle swamp foot fungus, carcinogenic existence among us, breaking ice in the antarctic, kiss my ass!
Or let me kiss the hand of royalty.
Break your fucking wrist, when you see me coming.
It’s an honor.
*jewels in teeth like robin ‘ood smile*
Apologies for the crude language the author used. It was his voice of expression. It seems to act as a prehypnotic trigger. Beautiful. Dissonant meter.
Was that your reply to me?
Lisk, I’m envious . Hope that it is me soon
Fantastic article for me as I am newly no Contact, as of this week.
I have not reached out in any way. My head and emotions are swimming everywhere. I hope I can stay on the straight and narrow. Just hoping enough time elapses before any hoovering, that I am well on my way.
Or better yet is no hoovers ever.
I have 2 large hoover triggers in the next few days, so praying for strength.
I do know if I cave things will be worse than ever, and probably was this whole fight was because of new supply, which is demeaning. He needs to stay with her/him.
You say you are no contact. That you have not reached out in any way. If they can reach you that is not no contact, and if you are already “praying for strength” you are setting yourself up to fail. No need to answer me, but ask yourself honestly: aren’t you really just waiting for a hoover?
Like I’ve said before, the most satisfying thing about going total no contact from my alcoholic was that I didn’t even warn him. Didn’t sound off. Just -gone.
Love the pic .
I used to be baited all the time. If I didn’t like something, he did it repeatedly resulting in anger, tears or both. I’m normally a calm person so that bothered me a lot. Finally decided l wouldn’t try to stop the behaviour but instead focus on myself and what I would accept. So when the next outrageous bait came along I dispassionately stated my point and said we’re not on the same page, so it’s best we move on. He agreed then sent me an insulting text and later a “peace offering” . Ignored both, implemented NC again and haven’t looked back since. It’s been 3 months. Not saying it was/is easy -took many months to get there. This blog validates the approach and helped me understand why it works.
Joy&Love Good for you that’s amazing!
I am still trying to understand how and why this happend to me. I am trying to understand why it took me over 20 years to figure him out. There must be something wrong with me .All I did was love him and did what he wanted. I blame myself.
Organise a consultation.
I will indeed HG very soon as I need answers and you are the only one who could provide them
So nothing we say stings even a little bit? My narc disengaged with me 6 months ago. He then tried to hoover two months ago saying he was trying to mend bridges and that he had regret.. Ha! I didn’t fall for it. I did respond though and I said, “The best thing you ever did for me was walk away from this friendship. It gave me peace and clarity. Thank you.” Are you saying that didn’t sting a little?
You need to distinguish between Pure Fuel, Challenge Fuel and Wounding.
Truthfully, I’m hoping that I won’t need to distinguish the difference any longer. I plan on keeping the old narc in the past and I don’t plan on engaging with any new narcs. Your teachings have shown me the red flags to pay attention to and if I see those red flags, I’m running! I just hoped I stung him a little bit.
I don’t have a need any longer to vent, or for you to hear my word, or even to be angry at you. Or anybody else of your kind any longer. I find it quite fascinating how your mind is incapable of how our empathy actually functions. I also find it quite sad how our emotional thinking keeps longing for something that is an illusion. Though one thing does bothers me. Despite years ago when there was so much more. Broken ribs, isolation, so much there was only us when our child was born. Cheating and so much abuse I thought there was never going to be a way out. At one time I Was convinced he was my fate but then I seen another way. A way of no contact, a way that so many people truly loved me. I am never alone. With my narcissist there is no more concerns of smashed windows or sugared gas tanks. Beatings because I escaped him. What I am upset the most about is when years have past with freedom, he never stops. Never!!! When he thinks I am strong, that is when he strikes again. He never stops!! The dance he tries to continue, it is constantly like dodging bullets. Like You have said so many times, until death do us part. The only difference now after so many years is he can’t get a drop of fuel from me anymore. Starve bitch!!!!
I have no piece of mind to give. I have peace!
Good evening HG. Found this article interesting but not for the obvious reasons. Once I learned the horrible truths behind IT and what else the future could hold for me with IT I knew I was done with IT. That’s not to say I wasn’t lost, devastated, ashamed and even cried months after IT as I did but that made me stronger in the sense of total avoidance of IT hence telling IT any of my thoughts or feelings would be useless -like his true opinion of me – which holds no interest to me ever.
After all I’ve learned and implemented in my life due to one individual staggers me and I learn more everyday! I harbor no ill feelings, hatred, or even anger towards IT – I simply wish to put this all in the past. My reference to him as IT seems cruel I’m sure and if I offend anyone I do apologize – maybe I use it as my safety net to never forget what was done to me and what could have happened to me – I survived it (IT) all…I won!!!!
Thank you HG for giving myself back to me!!
I use ‘Twatface’ for the same reason x
HG, each time I went NC (and failed) I felt the overwhelming desire to sound off. I wanted to say something deep and intellectual, something so moving that he would remember the words every time I came to his thoughts. Then I would remember this article and I knew NOT to do it because in reality I would just be giving him my last drop of fuel. Remembering your words, knowing they are the truth, I still couldn’t stop myself from telling him “go fuck yourself!”
Such is the battle between logic and emotional thinking.
Thank you. You are the reason I don’t even bother with any of this, no matter how I am tempted.
Well I told my narc that he is a sociopath narcissist and I learned from the best narcissist ever! Although I am very happy and feel healed. Truth be told a piece of me is damaged terribly. It’s a strange feeling. The urges that Mr.H speaks of is reality but I Check my emotions, remember what I’ve been taught and understand what I’ve been dealing with for most of my life with relationships with men. All narcissist addicts. I’m getting my identity back quicker. But I’ve been damaged mentally , financially, spiritually, removed incredibly awesome people but getting it all back. The only way is no contact!!!!
I no longer give in to the temptation to give anyone a piece of my mind in an emotional way, thanks to this blog. I almost no longer even have said temptation. May it be gone for good soon.