Along Came A Spider
I have made mention of how the advancements in technology have provided my kind and I with a smorgasbord of methods to carry out our works. From seduction to manipulation the freedom that comes with wifi and a functioning device provides is with a wealth of opportunity. My web can be spread wide over the….well the web. How apt it is that the pioneers of the internet decided on the appellation of world wide web. The electronic blanket which encapsulates this planet is indeed a web. A perilous place which readily ensnares the unwary. From chatrooms, to text messaging, through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, e-mail and dating sites, the internet has proven to be bountiful in its riches for my kind. Of course, this vast array of different hunting grounds can only be of benefit to the seasoned hunter. You can fill a river with salmon but if you do not know how to fish then you will not catch anything. Of course, I know how to fish, to shoot, to spear and to hunt. My mastering of the tools of manipulation enables me to sniff out my prey in moments and like a lion tracking a bison, drag them to the ground and eat them from behind before they even realise what has happened to them. Have you ever seen the expression on a felled bison or buffalo as a predatory lion gorges on their flesh? It is not pain, it is not frustrated struggle but an almost blissful ignorance to what is actually happening. They seem unaware that they are being devoured. It is so similar for my victims. They smile and purr even as I am taking chunks from them because that is the high level of my skill.
Thus the internet has become my hunting ground and my various manipulative machinations are given a good run out amidst the waiting and willing victims. There is one thing however that always works in this electronic shop window and that is the art of conversation.
My early forays in chatrooms bore fruit so incredibly quickly. Even I was taken aback at how easy it was. So many times I read comments such as
“It is such a lovely change to meet someone who can hold a conversation.”
“You are so charming and interesting, you actually hold a conversation than saying hi babe wanna shag?”
“You are clearly intelligent and interested in me. I am not used to that. So many of the men on here just want a picture of my boobs or want to send me a dick pic, you are not like that.”
Naturally, I was not engaged in conversations with men so I do not know if there is a boorish equivalent amongst the female ranks. Certainly in all my conversations I never came across any lady whose opening gambit was to offer a picture of her genitals. I take the view therefore that it is the male of the species that is letting you down. They are certainly not letting me down. By populating chat rooms and dating sites and trotting out such Neanderthal lines these men are increasing my currency. The fact I can talk about a variety of subjects, ask pertinent and engaging questions and avoid suggesting a bunk up in the first ten mintues meant that I really was the desired exception. The idiots, the perverts and the inarticulate all made me look even better than I already did (yes I know that may be hard to believe!) and thus when I came sashaying into view I was greeted with utter delight by those I interacted with. Even if I had no interest in someone, I was hard pressed not to attract them, by virtue of being able to string sentences together and not engage in demands for instant sexual congress (of course that would come later when I was always pushing on an open door).
Time and time again I heard reports of the pathetic and ill-mannered behaviour of men in these arenas. I expressed dismay and castigated them for it but all the while I celebrated for so long as they continued in this vein it meant all the more eager and willing victims for me.
Those weak and pathetic spiders would soon curl up and die for there was only one giant walking through the net.
Along came a spider but this one could hold a conversation.
47 thoughts on “Along Came A Spider”
Excellent article and so true.
I am on internet dating sites (even though you advise against it) and I can’t stand to exchange messages with men who can’t participate in even simple conversations to start, and they have absolutely nothing to say or ask me. That does not bode well for any interesting conversations in the future.
I do enjoy deep conversations and I state that in my profile. I also state that I will reply to all messages but I don’t reply to hearts or smiles as that is not a message and no response is necessary.
Some men don’t know how to start or hold a conversation, and communication it is a skill-one they should learn. I don’t respond because it is also very lazy. They want to put in the least amount of effort and expect a reply and for me to do all the work.
The same with sex. If I feel the momentum dying (in either a conversation or a sexual interaction) and I can tell they expect me to take the reins and lead us; well, I will do that. But you, man, will pay for it.
Mr. HG Tudor you are magnificent.
Thank you NJFilly, I am pleased you enjoyed the article.
I desire to please you, Mr. HG Tudor.
Hahaha njfilly, I don’t think you are the only one wanting to please Mr. Tudor dear. I’m sure there are numbers he has lying around someplace for any that are interested in pleasing him, they should take a number and go the back of the queue. Have a wonderful day njfilly! It’s always good to see you commenting. 🐎
Yes I’m sure he has many adoring fans. He is very special. I hope you have a wonderful day too!
I’ve never been in such a place but maybe it’s best.
Yes, it was a conversation. A real interesting conversation. We talked for months. About everything. I miss this openness in every topic.
The only thing he didn’t talk about is what he feels. He could not express his feelings.
Do you remember the movie “Les liaisons dangereuses” and Cecile? Conversation and breaking borders – he said and spoke, one at the same time did the other, he depraved her.
I love all of your posts. Excellent explanation hg tudor. Do Narcissists hoover to resurrect the formal relationship with the victim all time? Or for something else?
No. They will hoover for control and fuel, character traits and residual benefits and these can sometimes be achieved outside of the formal relationship.
I don’t know what my Narcx was/is like in chatrooms. But the above is the same effect he had on certain women in person.
They were enthralled by his wit, charm, and repartee–something they did not experience often enough, apparently, in their specific worlds.
This, of course, makes me wonder why he was with me. I just took these traits as a given to be found in a good boyfriend. I was not enthralled by the traits. I did not think of him as some needle in a haystack.
I just liked him for him, not as someone in comparison to someone else. So I doubt my fuel was a delicious as some other women’s fuel.
I guess it was my residual benefit package that had us together for so long.
It truly is the best weapon. Even more effective in person, and what ensnared me before any chemistry took hold. The art of intelligent conversation. Nothing so sexy…
If you haven’t already, check out ByeFelipe. An actual Neanderthal would probably shake his head over some of these approaches.
Yep. This is exactly what drew me into Piano Boy. He was so articulate, intelligent, verbose with his big vocabulary…. and we chatted as nothing more than friends for about 7 months before he moved in for the kill.
My recent interactions with guys (if any these days) have all been giant flops. If they’re not sending dick pics then they look at me like I have 5 heads when I try to hold a conversation. I recall making a witty joke about something once and the guy just didn’t quite understand my odd sense of humor. So I attempted to steer the conversation towards something else and I said “Oh…That was just a euphemism…” (as an attempt to quickly dismiss the poorly received joke).
He replied “Well that’s the spirit!”
Confused I replied “you don’t know what a euphemism is do you?”
(Awkward pause) “No…”
I hate how I compare everyone to him. Maybe I should go for the opposite and find a dumbstump who doesn’t know how to hold a conversation.
Is that our choice? Settle for people who bore us, or go with the charming narcissists, who will at least be entertaining…until they aren’t?
Or do without altogether?
OTOH, the ones who aren’t charming, such as folks on Bye Felipe, may also be narcissists–they just aren’t very proficient at it.
There are many normal and empathic people who are far from boring, your ET however makes you think that they are.
Will our ET be the bane of an empaths existense forever no matter what type of realtionship we are in?
Not if you apply my work at my direction.
Why? I’ve tried “giving them a chance,” and found myself getting increasingly impatient. I’ve broken up with guys because I was afraid *I* would become the abuser, or at least the user. Maybe I wouldn’t punch them in the face, but I might turn into Mildred from “Of Human Bondage” (definitely a Lower Level Narc).
Think about it. Nobody wants Ashley Wilkes: they want Rhett Butler (although he’s not amoral; empathic bad boy capable of loyalty). Nobody wants Edgar Linton: they want Heathcliff. Nobody wants St. John Rivers; they want Mr. Rochester, even though St. John is supposed to be better looking.
OTOH, there are Mr. Darcy and Wickham, or Col. Brandon and Willoughby. The boring guy isn’t always do boring, and the bad boy can be pretty tiresome, given his limited and often repetitive repertoire.
Were our romantic ideals shaped by these books and movies, or were the books and movies popular because they reflected something we already want?
Relationships are not meant to be a form of entertainment to those other than our kind. Too many normal and empathic people fail to realise :-
1. Film, TV, book relationships often depict narcissists intentionally, although narcissism is never mentioned,
2. Film, TV, book relationships often depict narcissists unintentionally, and
3. Film, TV, book relationships that are not one or two, aim to entertain therefore they have characters and plot lines which are not normal.
They believe that what the read and watch depicts a normal, healthy relationships. This is where such abject nonsense such as “love conquers all” and “opposites attract” and “they are fire and ice but it works” and so much more comes from.
A normal, healthy relationship is very dull to watch, why, because it is not there to provide external entertainment.
This is so true HG. Dysfunction is normalized and romanticized. So many subscribe to the bullshit memes also. I don’t even buy most of it yet I still let Narc 2 suck me in and keep me with it, it felt good for awhile to subscribe to “It’s not rational but against all odds we work it out.”, “Don’t be a quitter.” The happily ever after movies when narc party gets caught cheating and them realizes he needs true love and it fixes him. All of this sells and keeps people hooked. So do the happily ever after Disney princess movies. Generations of bullshit.
HG—I would really like to share this comment about relationships being depicted with drama (essentially) as not ok with my 8th grader. She’s too young to date but of course there are rudimentary variations of getting to know boys which IS happening. Also, the recent post of examples re, not answering on the first ring or canceling plans etc.. I really liked these examples as tangible items for teaching and think they are absolutely on par with any age group. I recall doing some of those listed things in my life.
I like the way you put that, HG. I can certainly attest to the accuracy of your statement. Normal, healthy = dull to watch. If you want drama, watch a movie, read a book. Read narcsite!
I’m going with shaped, starting early with fairytales and Disney (not to mention the expectations of emotionally and/or romantically unfulfilled parents – some Mothers of the bride come to mind). How many of us know couples actually living (as opposed to staged on Fakebook) as they are portrayed in these romantic fantasies? Not many if at all. So where are they all hiding? We know it’s horse shit really, but our ego whispers that if anyone can pull it off it is us. After all, we are thoughtful, intelligent, and wonderful. A gift that has just not to this point been appreciated as we should be. Yes, we will be the one that pulls it off and shows the world that fairytales are real. That is what allows us to believe the mirroring and over the top love bombing that should send us screaming for the nearest exit when it happens. Ever notice when it’s your friend telling you this story you cringe or at the very least roll your eyes at their gullibility? And guess who those exciting creatures are? When a normal person approaches with a simple conversation we assess them as dull and without “game”. Well guess who has game? In spades, but it’s all game. We want to believe because the prospect of going along on the journey with someone who is consistent and respectful is not as exciting as what we have been given to believe from a very early age is possible, but not likely attainable or sustainable. Narcs are not the only ones who are not easily satisfied or prone to illusion. We all want more, it’s just how far we are willing to go and the methods we use that differ.
I have to agree. I used to say I wanted a Donna Reed life…perfect family, small problems handles easily and all just plain old happy all the time. If I had thought to pull back the curtains in their living room, I probaly would have found drugs, alcohol and sex!!!!!!
When I walk around my neighborhood, I think I wounder what is going on in there. Since meeting my N and him being a neighbor, I dont have to ask any more!!!!!
I wasn’t seeking Romeo and Juliet. I was thinking more Beatrice and Benedick, Nick and Nora Charles, My Cousin Vinny and Lisa Vito. Courtship by snotty remarks, what Nabokov’s Humbert called “a perfect love song of wisecracks.” People might fake mushy poetry and rose petals, etc , but would a man fake witty banter if he wasn’t really interested?
Well, he might if he’s a narc who’s just intelligent enough to figure out that’s what you like.
Then, once you’re well and truly addicted, he starts dropping remarks about not wanting women to compete with him, and how much he’d liked the girl who had crowded around a project he was doing, oohing and ahhing, saying they could NEVER do anything like that.
Well, fiddle-de,-dee, mah lil ole brain would jis’ BUST if ah trahd to do anthin’ lahk that …
He didn’t want Scarlett O’Hara bickering with Rhett about profiteering and the justness of the Southern Cause; he wanted Scarlett O’Hara buttering up Frank Kennedy, even as she privately thinks, “The old fool,” and has referred to him for years as “that old maid in britches.”
Never even occured to me to ask myself, “Why would he openly admit he likes people who flatter him, even though he must suspect they’re insincere?”
To which the only possible answer is, “DUHHHH!”
Many desire fantasy and romantic ideals help take people to Fantasyland.
Narcs make that fantasy a reality . . . for a time, anyway. Then they transform that fantasy into something that is worse than reality.
Violetta—I feel like a I’ve written a similar comment. Many times. I personally find it stressful to have to wonder who is what etc—I say loads of silly things on here but the truth is that I have zero business to deal with anyone nor do I have the time. Obviously learning how not to end up in a mess is one key focal point as eventually I’ll end up somewhere with someone. I just don’t really want a regular committed thing and HG has pointed out that normal people tend to progress as such. It makes sense but it feels like work, feels boring, doesn’t seem appealing, a pain in the ass, stressful, miserable, let’s see—boring.
There are men I trust and respect, but don’t desire as lovers, husbands, or potential fathers of children, even if they are technically more attractive than someone I thought I DID love.
There are men I might find desirable, but I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them.
I thought that love was a combination of compatible characters and physical attraction. Yes, people have had arranged marriages or marriages of convenience, and sometimes love grew–but other times, the only thing that grows is resentment.
However, empty-headed passion is a disaster in its own right.
The attraction of the Higher Level Narc is he’s at least TRYING to figure out what you like, even if it’s for all the wrong reasons.
This is very good to know.
Exactly. Which is why I won’t settle. Which is why I will be alone forever.
I’m starting to like it that way but I’m not thrilled with the idea of growing old alone
We all die alone. May as well prepare for it.
You have a lot of company in being alone!
To settle is to insult not only yourself but the person for whom you are settling. He might be someone’s ideal match, instead of just your fallback. You’re implying that both of you wish you could have done better.
At this point it is more about just putting up a giant wall around myself so I do not ever get hurt….
Gabby……you dont need a wall. you need NC.Everyone gets hurt along the way….you just continue to put yourself out there with Ahole. I am no angel and I have broken NC a couple times…ok more than a couple….but shit woman until you try, you will never again know your worth. Get a sledgehammer and knowck down thw wall that Ahole has built around you and the rest of the world. We want to see you shine.
And please change your name back to Gabrielle…you are a person, not a thing
I will try and remember to next time. It defaults to the last name used on my devices so I need to manually change it. Often I reply to comments and don’t edit the other info as it re-populates.
I will try and remember to next time. It defaults to the last name used on my devices so I need to manually change it. Often I reply to comments and don’t edit the other info as it re-populates.
You managed to skirt around the heart of the matter. Please try NC again. Everytime I have failed, I went back NC within days and it does get easier. Sure….it sucks and hurts like hell and will for some time but it is the only way out. I grew fond of you when I also was on the shelf. BUT it is time to let go……….do it for your kids. Show them their mom values herself. Ahole certainly doesnt.
I did not mean to skirt the issue, I just did not want to bore everyone with a Piano Boy update. But nevertheless here it is….
I have tried again and again to distance myself. So far it has been a week of silence and I have not reached out. He has already asked me for breaks here and there (yet we still text and talk on the phone and will see each other 1x a month give or take). But he has been withholding physical affection from me since the summer. “We are just going to be friends. I am going to do the right thing and stop cheating on my wife, no more sexual indulgence with you, we are just friends, I am going to be a proper friend to you, blah blah”. He says he is paranoid about her leaving him and that his “guilt and shame” of our relationship is “destroying him”. He has gained a lot of weight over the last few months. He said even if he wanted to have sex with me he couldn’t as he is having “sexual issues”.
When we had dinner a few weeks ago he would not kiss me or barely even give me a hug. It was just painful. Usually it makes me want to try harder (when he pushes me away like that) but this time it has slowly made me withdraw. He has done this before (the whole “friends” thing, withholding sex, etc.) and he never meant it. (it would quickly become intimate again). The last time I saw him though he had willpower of that of which I had never seen before in regard to not showing any affection. It was different than all the platitudes of before of “we are just gonna be friends blah blah”. Well good for him! I can never just be his friend, I feel too strongly. It’s easier for him to be so dismissive of me. I am sure there is someone else (and I do not mean his wife either). If he really loved her he wouldn’t associate with me at all.
That is currently the status of my shelf situation.
I want this status to say…”OMG I think I am going to die. This NC is the hardest thing I have ever or will ever do with my life. Child birth was a breeze”.
Do you do not even see that you are so deep into this mess that it has become a way of life for you. You live in misery and accept it. It is the norm.
You are too young to have this Ahole run your life and mind. Please get help from HG. Please. I will beg if I need to. Please get help.
Being alone is ok. I like being alone. It beats abuse, or annoyance with someone you don’t click with. What bothers me is that I have always been a little impatient and snarky, critical but not mean. Now I feel mean. Now I don’t have tolerance for anyone I haven’t known or trusted for many years. I have never been one to sugar coat things but now it happens faster. So really it’s better that I am alone until I figure out how to balance that. I feel cruel .
And this is what I DO envy about narcs: the lack of ambivalence.
They don’t worry about treading that thin line between avoiding being a victim and becoming the victimizer. They don’t worry that self-defense may morph into bullying. Fine with them if it’s a dog-eat-dog world, as long as they’re top dog.
What they want may conflict with what they can have, but there’s no INNER conflict at all.