Hounded By Love
One of my ex girlfriends, Kate, was a big animal lover. She was always sponsoring some rare monkey in Africa or baking cakes to raise funds to save the gay whale or such like. People often remarked how fortunate I was to have someone so caring. I would tell them if she spent less time playing Dr Doolittle then maybe I would not have to sleep in the spare room so often to remind her of who she should be focused on. I remember this used to get me some puzzled looks and for an instant I could not understand why but then I worked out they thought I was being mean so I used to tell them the bed was always full of her dogs so there was no room for me. They would smile and nod. Too easy. You see, people will, most of the time, take the path of least resistance and this means that they will accept most explanations so long as there is some degree of plausibility about them. People need to find a reason and especially those of an empathic nature have to do so. Provide a reason to explain something away and people accept it. This is one of the main reasons why we are able to do as we do, because people either accept the explanations that we give for what is otherwise aberrant behaviour or they find a reason or explanation themselves (either blaming some third party event or influence or blaming themselves) rather than seeing the behaviour for what it is. I do not write this from a position of blaming people for thinking and behaving that way, it is understandable. They do not know what they are dealing with, they do not realise the person they are engaging with is a narcissist and they, as truth seekers, need to find a reason to explain the behaviour. They need to know and this invariably causes them to fall for what we tell them or what they tell themselves.
Anyway, she got involved in volunteering at an animal shelter which did not impress me and to add insult to injury she expected me to walk and feed her dog whilst she was out being St Francis of Assissi. I kid you not. So on the two evenings when she was helping out I would invite her sister Amanda over. She would feed the dog and I would pretend I had taken it for a walk. (So long as I let it out in the garden and did its business (which I would fling over into next door – I guess that’s why we have new neighbours) Kate thought the hound had been walked. Thus I was able to lure in Amanda. She was low hanging fruit. Ignored by her boyfriend it only took a couple of weeks of texts and declarations of compatibility and I was bedding her each time she came round. Kate would come home and spend most of her time petting her dog but I had someone else to distract me so I let that flagrant failure to give me attention slide a little. Not totally as I still used it to remind her of how neglectful she was of me. I did notice though that she was spending more time and more money on the hound and was obviously doing it to provoke me. Her sister Amanda then started to change. She was initially great fun, vibrant, passionate and interesting but then she got whiny and needy and had the audacity to start criticise my girlfriend Kate. That was not on. She would still call round twice a week, even when I stopped inviting her and I had grown tired of bedding her. I had decided that Kate was the better choice of the two and wanted to focus my attentions on her but she doted on that wretched dog.
Demonstrating the decisive decision making that is my hallmark I took prompt action. On an evening when Amanda had called over I agreed to sleep with her. Before doing so I let pooch out into the garden and opened the gate. I went through the motions with Amanda and then had just returned downstairs when Kate returned. A few moments passed and then she began to call for the dog and with increasing urgency. The hound had gone. I blamed Amanda. Cue sibling fall out. The upshot of it was Kate never spoke to her sister again. Amanda never called round and pestered me and the dog was gone.
Two birds and all that.
101 thoughts on “Hounded By Love”
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It’s entertaining to read people discussing the dog’s faite and the narcissist’s answers. With your help and education, HG, I finally found myself able to stop discussing with “my” narcissist, who was keeping me as a secondary source on his shelf für nearly 4 horrible years – to choose a close friend if mine as a primary source in the end.
Thanks for giving me an explaination for all those scars and wounds he gave me, HG.
You’re welcome
I want a bichon frise.
They are very useful for cleaning ones golf clubs with.
They are adorable and I do have golf clubs, but they are to teach my son to play because his father has assumed the identity of a lesser at this time.
Laughing…..
Lorelei, Bichon frise! Nice choice. Precious. No shedding! Note: they run too fast for cleaning of the golf clubs. Have a fluffy towel on standby just in case.
A stuffed one does not run.
And crispy ducks don’t waddle 🦆. You’re a riot, HG.
HG can I send you a teddy bear you can cuddle with it. It shows no emotion though so no fuel lol.
No.
I only want to go to the country club (it’s really just a nice course that tries to be fancy saying it’s a country club) because my friend works there and makes a good Bloody Mary! It has pickles and spices from the heavens above.
You don’t drink anymore?!
Which is sad Lorelei because, I would share my Italian coffee that I’m having right now with you! 🥰
I do drink sometimes if there is a reason and Cinda’s Bloody Mary concoctions are my favorite in the world! It’s an occasion! She used to work at a morning bar we would go to after work and now she’s at the golf course close to my house. My son was to take lessons this summer but I think next year he will have more interest. He got clubs for Christmas last year. They are waiting. He’s not an athlete, more into robotics and building etc. Golf is an essential exposure though!
What if he doesn’t like golf? I can’t share with you now, I drank it all! Hahaha
He doesn’t have to, he just has to have the opportunity! I think his father is morphing into a lesser so it won’t be part of their mutual experience. Maybe he was always a lower lesser and someone dressed him up? I can’t believe I actually slept with him all three times. Holy shit I’m mortified. He is dumb too. I thought he was smarter, I was just too young and stupid myself to know any better.
Wow HG,how could you ,first you had sex with the sister then you lost the dog pretended it was Amanda’s fault .How could Amanda do that to her sister let you seduce her . Did Kate ever find out? I think I will dedicate a another song to you HG Rod Stewart Infatuation. Then I will take my maltipoo dog out for a walk, but I think I will pick up his poo throw it in the trash instead of my neighbors yard.
I love dogs but realise theyre not suited for everyone and i respect those that are aware of that and choose not to take home a pet. What upsets me are the people who dont think it thru and release them or dump them off at a shelter its heartbreaking. I could never work in a shelter bc id find it too upsetting. I am so grateful there are people that do. I do donate to nonkill shelters.
I see a common pattern in a lot of these stories and its resentment. Resentment over the sources interests and the fact the narc HG in this case is no longer purely the focus. I also view it as an insecurity over loss of complete control. The result is imo rebellion over this loss and inducing chaos as a way to get even and also bring back the focus onto the narc. Its like when a toddler is wanting their mothers full attention while shes out shopping or visiting a friend and shes trying to juggle both but the toddler feels ignored and throws a tantrum to get back tgat undivided attention.
I see this same pattern with my narc altho not to the same extent. Whenever i become passionate about something he will withdraw intimately as sort of a cold shoulder. Over the past year ive started my own side business and ive seen him go thru stages with it. Keep in mind i am still supplying him with what i always have been but the fact i have this new business and am making money and meeting tons of people online and off i think triggers envy, jealousy and insecurity. Ive tried to be reassuring it wont interfere but it doesnt matter with a narc they will still have this insecurity bc it centers around control and attention.
In the cycle first he would withdraw. Then he would minimize or make me out to be money hungry. Well duh it is a business and no im not money hungry and i dont take advantage of my customers but yes the goal is to make profit. Ive built up great relationships with them and they keep coming back for a reason. Now hes making suggestions and telling me about how i should be discounting etc.
Its easy for me to set aside all this bc im aware of npd but it has been annoying at times. Hes never gone full blown out of his way to destroy what im doing but i can see the same patterns in a more mild way.
Attention and control mixed with resentment envy and jealousy.
You came in and ruined three lives.
Yes, it was a quiet day.
I’m sad to know this story, but glad you tell us the horrid truth so we know what we’re truly dealing with.
Exactly
The truth always hurts !
The truth does always hurt Pati.
Your right FM1T ! I like the facts that HG gives so I can face the truth. Forever grateful to him for that !
He definitely doesn’t sugar coat anything! But I honestly wouldn’t want him to.
K2D
The stories are horrid and they make me cringe but I STILL need them as reminders of what life with a narc is really like, in order to keep my ET in check.
I honestly didnt think they were this bad ,or I need a cane because I am blind
Pati
In addition to HGs work, I have read so many memoirs and am just horrified at what these people do to partners they once claimed to love more than anyone/anything. I am fortunate to have only had a quick glimpse of what could happen… as our fling ended before we really even began.
Joanne, you are so fortunate, honestly ,you a managed not to continue the relationship good for you! I am glad I found HG’s work it’s never to late for me. As I said before I must have been blind because I have been married 23 years with this man. Hugs
Joanne, glad you feel the same way as I do about it.
I prefer Kel please, and it’s easier to type too.
Threes Company ! Chrissy,Janet,HG!
Still think you shouldn’t have put the dog in danger. That should be BENEATH you, HG: it’s too easy.
“A quiet day..”
Which is what they always do. That’s why we are called “victims”.
Exactly,and we suffer the pain just not fair!
FF, sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees. It’s important to see the storm that blew into these lives, and the devastation it left behind. This true story illustrates the real person behind the mask, lest we forget, ever.
You are unreal, HG. Your life also sounds exhausting. Why go through the trouble of seducing her sister and all your other nefarious manipulations when you could have easily just told Kate you felt neglected?
To you, you find it draining, but to me it´s entertaining!
I guess I’m too lazy to be a narcissist.
Lessers are lazy, KD3.
HG, while you are correct–Lessers ARE lazy, please be cautions when you say such things to KD3, as you don’t want her to believe she is a Lesser. I know what she means. Just as she, I lack the energy you narcs do–constant communication with everyone. Fuck that. I missed my calling as an ostrich.
I get what you say, KD3. And I am certain HG did too, he was just making a joke.
Love ya, HG. I don’t mean it as a slight.
I want a lower lesser!
HG
Recieved a Hoover a few days ago. Absolutly pathetic. And hes a MR.
Honestly. Not just the Lessers who are lazy IMHO.
I mean seriously. The best you can do is ‘Hi?’
I’m not THAT desperate for company, you quarter-wit!
He could be a UL come to think if it. He certainly whines a lot. Either way; cant be arsed.
Lazy Lessers, Minimal Effort Mid Range.
That’s true HG. I’ll said it before and I’ll say it again, no one puts the EFFORT in anymore!
Him and No Tongue Boi are the only two who now do this. And they do EXACTLY the same thing.
Yeah, yeah I know! Its on my list. After learn Portuguese!
Seriously, will there ever be a time when we see HGs work on the National Curriculum?
HG, is hoovering not as bad with midrangers than lessers?
Define “bad” ´do you mean as frequent, or is the nature of it more unpleasant, do you mean does it go on for longer and is more determined?
Sorry HG,yes this is what I meant
Which one?
Let me be more clear I apologise,are Midrangers less likely to hoover than lessers? Mine is a LMR
No.
Thank you HG
Rhyme deliberate?
Of course
Of course its HG who ever will it be !
“Provide a reason to explain something away and people accept it. This is one of the main reasons why we are able to do as we do, because people either accept the explanations that we give for what is otherwise aberrant behaviour or they find a reason or explanation themselves (either blaming some third party event or influence or blaming themselves) rather than seeing the behaviour for what it is.”
The truth of this is searing. And the damage it can do – especially as a child (because you mostly have to accept the “truths” you are told by adults) – can last generations.
It hurts when I look back, *now* from the right perspective, at the explanation fed to me regarding my parents separation, and subsequent divorce.
I just want it to go on record somewhere that, for most of my adult life, I spent Christmases with the wrong parent. And I’m sorry Dad.
WC,
it is not absolute, but when tow individuals fight (especialy parents) the one who puts the most efforts in making you hate the other is usually toxic, not necessarily a narcissist but at least immature.
liza,
I never hated my Dad and never cut off ties with him. But I never fully understood him and he always played second fiddle due my perspective being coloured by, essentially, my mother’s smearing of him.
I am not sure how much immaturity plays into it but I think in most cases this intentional negative protrayal of the targeted parent is in fact because one parent is a narcissist.
WhoCares,
you where a child, thus, it was natural for you taking your mom’s words as a rule, you didn’t know better, but now you realised, have no regrets ( i know it is easier said than done ), celebrate your newly acquired knwolege and use it to make wiser decisions. good luck !
Thank-you liza, for the kind words. And that is definitely sound advice!
I’m so sorry WhoCares.
Thank-you Renarde.
I wish he was still around; now that, in hindsight, everything has become so crystal clear.
WC
I feel that way about my maternal GF. Many years dead now but I’ve finally got to the truth.
Renarde,
💙
WC 💛
Actually, Renarde, I have often wondered about my own maternal grandfather but I have such limited information to go on. And those who may have answers are the family members that I’ve gone no contact with – and even if they gave answers, I could never accept the validity of their perspective.
WC
I STRONGLY empathise with this. All we can do is attempt to pick up the glimmers of truth and understanding. Via secondhand sources.
To do that we need to understand our our own ET and ER and how they play into the narrative.
I understand this perfectly, WC. Mine did not divorce, but we both have VMRNs and they are very convincing. I’m glad at least we see clearly now. Go easy on yourself. I am sure your dad knows it was due to the situation. Fortunately your son has a wonderful, loving and aware mom, and I know you will be a wise guide to such things. Hugs for you for all you experienced.
FYC,
Yes we do understand VMRNs. And I think the part that gets to me the most – although I try not to dwell on it – is the horrific ease with which a VMRN plays up an illness or disability… because when that is coupled with an Empath, who plays *down* a legit, bonafide chronic or degenerative condition, and who just keeps going without complaint; we know who gets the short end of the stick. And it can end up being a very sad story for the Empath.
I do feel fortunate that I can shelter my son from the fallout of this all and when he’s ready, educate him as well.
Hugs!
WC, I am sure we could swap similar stories. I am sad to think how blinded and naive I was while growing up. I was too trusting and poured out empathy. I had no idea. Unfortunately, there is no going back and living it over with a different perspective. I would certainly have made some different decisions. One comment that sticks in my mind from the past on the blog was NA’s response to a poll about what we have missed out on because of Ns; she said something to the effect that she will never know how it would feel or who she would have become in the absence of a N parent. She is awesome as is, but I think all of us who have an N parent feel that way at times. WC, I am very happy for your fresh start. You have plenty of future to create exactly what you desire and I’ll be pulling for you.
FYC,
I would want to swap stories too except I also grasp the deep sadness behind the realization. There isn’t much to be gained uncovering all of that. We weren’t naive; we couldn’t have known any better at the time. Like you said: “there is no going back and living it over with a different perspective.” Yes, if I could, I would have made different decisions myself: I would have fought harder to make my father see that he was putting his own health at risk with the choices he made (and I did try, but then I gave up because he was “an adult”, and all that – and you cannot fight people’s battles for them). I was, concurrently, in the depths of my own entanglement, unbeknownst to me.
I recall NA’s response that you referenced and it is memorable – as is she! We all have those ‘what if’ moments, at least moving forward we now have the insight for our own future choices and the ability to share that learning with others in a preventative manner.
Here’s to the future, FYC!
Big hugs 💙
Hear, hear! To the future, WC! Big hugs back❤︎
Well, you are a narcissist, and you behaved as one, of course i don’t approve, but i’m sure it will not be a surprise.
still, i can’t understand Amanda’s dehaviour, you where her sister’s boyfriend, as such ,you where supposed to be off limits (like a square root of a brother in law).
Is she herself a narcissist?
Why not just tell each one, separately, that you are giving her up for her sister, then turn them loose on each other? You weren’t going to stick around anyway.
Why take it out on the poor dog, letting him get kidnapped or hit by a car? Did you see him as a serious rival?
You know, he might have found Kate annoying too. You could have bonded over that.
The dog is not a rival. It is an object for the purposes of triangulation.
What a sweet baby. And I am a cat lover. HG, how could you not love this face? What a daring this baby is!
Because I am incapable of love.
I understand. But for what it is worth, I care very much for you. I am glad to not know your real identity as I am certain it would only cause an ache in my heart.
And I know I share this opinion with many. You are one of the very few writers I have ever been able to communicate this to, that is, someone who has had such an impact on me. Melville, Whitman, Crane, Rilke, etc. are all dead.
I just want you to know how appreciated you are. I know I get silly sometimes (and drunk, lol) but thank you for what you do, and for being you.
Thank you, Bibi.
I think I’ve just figured out one of the reasons I gravitate to guys like you.
I may block it out, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I KNOW they’re incapable of love.
If they were capable of love, and didn’t love me, I would feel like a failure.
But if they can’t love anybody, there’s no reason for me to take it personally.
(Of course I do, anyhow.)
The dog in the photo is adorable. I adore animals. I don’t have dogs that shed on purpose but adore them all.
I love all animals. Even bats. Especially bats.
I do too Bibi—well not bats but dogs. I don’t want the ones that shed in the house though.
Lorelei, there are a lot that dont shed, if you get a breed that has poodle they dont shed e.g . I have a maltioo,malteese poodle,yorkies dont shed,schitzoo, I tell you they are so loyal better than any Narc on the face of this earth. When I cry he is always by my side !
I have two shih-tzu’s and a terrier so no dogs for a long time—but love these breeds. Had a standard poodle but too big for my life now. She died four years ago and it was awful. I can’t stand animal hair—makes me insane but we have a little at times. I can’t relax if there is a piece of fuzz on the floor.
Me too,lucky he doesnt shed .I am a clean freak myself. He is almost 13 years old so if he goes mo more for me . He is irreplaceable .
The only downside is that they are a fortune to groom, vet and board for trips!
Yes for sure,grooming vet bills, they want $3000 to get his teeth cleaned plus extractions,and they cannot guarantee he will wake up from the anesthetic because he is to old,luckily my neighboor watches him when I go overseas he has too much anxiety to go on the plane . Lots of kisses however when I come back. At least he shows affection.not like Hugging my N is like hugging a tree no emotion .
My ex left our dying dog on the cold garage floor once. It didn’t even occur to him to deploy a facade. I am so NOT baffled anymore. I was like mortified and he had a blank expression and had zero issue with it—it’s no wonder I lost my mind in a state of lost. He at least called me to come home and deal with the situation. So many clues but who knew I needed to be a detective. I didn’t know normal (seemingly normal) people were capable of all we’ve learned.
I am so sorry you had to go through that Lorelei it must have been a awful experience . I can only imagine. Just terrible.
After my divorce, I rented half of the house of a friend for a short time. The short time was due to the arrival of her new boyfriend. I arrived home one day to her sitting crying on the porch while he was fixing his car. Then I saw the cat. He had hit it with his car and pulled it to one side and proceeded to work on his car. There she sat. I asked her wtf?! She said he didn’t see it so it wasn’t his fault and she didn’t have any way to take it to the vet because he had his car apart (?!!). So she sat bawling while he told her there was no point because it likely couldn’t be saved. It suffered and had died right there. He was going to throw it in the ravine later. I took care of it and told her that’s what she could expect if she got sick. She defended him and later married him. Yup, he’s the one who was later diagnosed as a narcissist and she tried counselling with him. He eventually left her after she had her tubes reversed and bore him two children.
I made sure (with the help of a mechanic friend) that his prized BMW (which was really a piece of shit that he idealized) never purred properly again and he ended up having to get rid of it.
Thank GOD that had a happy ending, NA…I was reading and thinking “I have *got* to stop reading these animal stories.”
But I’m glad I read to the end, in this case. FYC is right: You are awesome.
Oh my! Sounds about like a narcissist! Can you imagine working on a car and the animal dying off to the side?? It is really helpful as sad as this now, that you state the example because I really felt pretty alone with this story. Even if nothing could be done it’s a piss poor way to manage the situation. I’d kill the animal if necessary to stop the suffering. I have asserted on several occasions that he is essentially of no use to anyone and I know it’s tainted subjectively, but believe me, he is useless to anyone. So many things I failed to pay heed to. Yet, grow up like I did and you end up equipped with a water gun to fight a shot gun show down!
That’s deplorable Lorelei. I am not sure what is worse: the Narcissist’s disregard for animals or the way they use them for facade and triangulation.
He also triangulated the animals. I had a sporting GSD imported from Hungary and she was worthy of his attention. He liked the fuel from having her in the public especially.
Lorelei
Still cheaper than that gambling narc that had you listless on the couch with bad hair for a time. Unforgivable.
Absolutely correct and I really have a bit of clarity now of course yet this still trips me up because of how vacant he was (is) but most narcissists that function as he does would seem better at covering? Or would they? HG has never made an assessment but he’s absolutely a mid middle whatever with maybe a leaning to the lower middle at the least. I guess I’d expect this from a total moron. (which he is that too/in a way) Yes, no more pony tail hair for an extended time period!
Aww. I’m rarely (if any time) alone where I live. If I’m upset, one of them will come and just sit by me or even jump on my shoulders as I work. Even the big tom but he’s less elegant. Nickname: Wipeout.
They can be such a comfort. My black female has in the past couple of weeks, been bringing me dead mice. Three so far. It’s very unusual for her to display this behaviour. But then again, for a few days this week she stayed away completely. When I approached her outside, she started yowling at me in cat speak.
Literally no idea what I’ve done.