Poll : How Has The Narcissist Disengaged From You?
Disengagement. Incorrectly referred to as a discard. How did the narcissist disengage from you? Did he or she tell you to your face, drinking in the fuel from your tears or your anger at being treated this way? Did the narcissist not say anything to you at all and it was only when you found your calls not answered, your social media blocked and your e-mails bounced back that you realised what had happened? Perhaps somebody else was sent to be the messenger, conveying some explanation as to why it was over? Maybe the narcissist was there and then he or she was not, vanishing into the ether as though they never existed? Perhaps you are unsure as to whether there has been a disengagement and you are really experiencing a silent treatment or you are on the shelf, or maybe you are still in the grip of the narcissist and therefore disengagement has not yet happened?
Whatever the answer may be and whatever options are applicable (you may choose as many as are applicable before voting) do expand in the comments on the circumstances which arose and how it impacted on you.
Thank you for participating.
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My MMR elite had me on ice (shelved) when his chosen IPPS came to spend a few months here. I knew it was coming.
Total silence , ignored my texts, but then blocked.
It was the only disengagement I’ve experienced and it only lasted a couple months.till she left town again.
When she moved here to stay, I suppose I was disengaged from, (or else shelved?) but didn’t notice bc I was busy with narcoholic.
What I DID notice was 9 months after she moved here- he hoovered me- and never disengaged again.
Only took 9 months of cohabitation bliss for devaluation to start. That’s a really short golden period to get, for a lifetime of narc abuse.
Better her than me.
I was told to get lost for being ‘demanding’ so I did exactly that, I started out as a DLS / IPSS, even though I had already got lost a couple of times over that year, and always went back to our ‘arrangement’. Fast forward several months later, malign hoover starts (he gets no reaction), then the benign.
I would say that I was given a corrective devaluation, and now it wants help (not financial with its failing business). I have acquired an extensive knowledge of NPD over this past 18 months, so I know he does not care about me (or anyone else) it is exhausting to deal with, but I have come to the conclusion this Dude is going nowhere, until I do the final disguard. He is separated with lots of other sources of fuel, but I tick the prime aims, I have kept myself super fit, slim and well presented, come from a very successful family business (heiress), and I am well connected within my industry area. I have a lot of empathy, but I am no fool, and I without doubt know I am now a CIPSS, but I honestly do not give an SH$T, he is playing the long con, and I know I am just the soft landing.
Well I am behaving myself in his eyes for now and am painted white, but in the interim I am gaining my strength expanding my business and starting to date ‘normal’ people, but as soon as he thinks he is moving into my house / having access to all my assets / going into business together, that front door is going to firmly shut in his face!
I noticed the red flags from day one, but he was exciting and I was not looking for anything serious, but now I am and he would be my last option on the planet.
I feel like I’m in a state of corrected evaluation even though I left.
Mine made me handle it for him the three times it happened. He would commence with devaluations while hunting and/or seducing others that built tension and escalated into blow outs and break ups. It was usually a couple months after each anniversary. Then he would blame me and act as if I threw it all away, accused him for nothing, we needed each other, etc. He would hoover me back a few months later, saying how the dating scene was horrible, everyone a fake, etc, no one like me. He even had his adult kids assist in a hoover once when he found out I went out with someone else. Because of my schedule and a separate house location he could have shelf fuel a few days a week under the radar. It happened a couple times and we actually discussed the pattern after the last hoover and decided the third time would be it, he was not to bring any of my things back from his house or contact me and I wouldn’t come back. I was skeptical and tired of moving back in and out. He didn’t keep his side of the exit agreement of course, the hoover attempts escalated. I kept my agreement. It took almost 5 years. Do not get hoovered. Just don’t do it. It is always worse.
I don’t know how to get to the poll
I escaped on a Tuesday night to another state while he was doing what he does. I had to find my car at a local bar , he had an accident. That sloppy mess didn’t even know it. I took my Jeep went back to his apartment got what I could in a speedy time. Left lot of my belongings behind! And never went back!!!
via a messenger app. he just wrote “good bye”. wounded and proudly.
it’s been 6 months today. a half year. his silence is deafening. and also peaceful. i will close my eyes, blow out a candle and make a wish, in this semi-anniversary : i hope you always keep quiet
The one I’ve got rid of had ramped up his devaluation eventually accusing me of stealing hundreds of pounds from him(I hadn’t) . I sneakily took his house key off his keyring so he couldn’t come back knowing he would flounce out (for the 3rd time that month) , then I locked him out after he went. I told him it was over, he was an abuser and I knew he had someone else (he did). Not sure if this was disengagement on his part but it was a final discard from me!?! I’ve physically seen him twice since (in 18 months and he was snarling at me both times) and went no contact about 2 months after the split. He tried a few hoovers but was totally ignored. He’s engaged to his new victim now and she is pregnant, she hasn’t a shiny clue what’s to come. Well she wanted him hey? Might have got more that she bargained for there….she still thinks she’s won the lottery xxx
Kelly, I understand it’s really tough for you right now. But try not to hate her. She has been taken in by him in exactly the same way as you once were. Of course, we all want to feel better than our replacement, none of us want to believe we are replaceable and that he is now loving someone ‘better’.
She is not better than you at all. Equal no doubt.
Once you understand that it is actually no reflection on you at all, then you will realise, it is you that is the winner, and very very sadly not her.
Big hug and love to you xxx
Alexissmith2016
What a great comment. I’m not surprised though.
On a brighter note I do get to keep my house! Yay! I managed to get ahold of some finances while I’m in between jobs. So now I can pay my mortgage and bills. And I can buy some more of HG’s books. Maybe get a consultation to figure out how to deal with the smearing and hence loss of my job. Afraid it may effect me getting a new job.
Most encouraging.
Gypsy Heart
Glad to hear things are looking brighter. It will get better.
Thank you both. I am more encouraged and it’s getting better. I’m feeling more like myself, and will more so once I get off this couch and start working again.
I was never disengaged from. This is because I was the one wanting to leave the relationship, even from the beginning. I wasn’t comfortable being the DLS.There was plenty of future faking. But after a short separation he went back to her stating her health was bad and he couldn’t do that to her. She would be the one to have to leave. He also expected to keep me as the DLS.
That whole year I did get plenty of corrective devaluations though. He liked to use the entertainment media to do this, using hidden meanings to get his point across. He used deadpool to address my jealousy issues (right in front of her!) At work he controlled the music and would add a lot of *runaway* songs to the playlist. When the younger guys would flirt with me he would add Mrs. Robinson and Stacie’s mom to the playlist. So ridiculous; I’m older than most their parents.
I ended the formal relatioship and we just worked together for a year. Lots of benign and malign hoovering depending on how his manipulations were affecting me. Lost my job recently because of him. Planning on him staying gone from my life.
Mine’s not on there either – he just disappeared from the 24/7 textscape and told me nothing had changed….and then a few weeks later, his new shiny posted their relationship on FB. Dot to dot the hard way!!!
BU
24/7 textscape! Love that. So ridiculous looking back on it, thinking there was anything real 🙄🙄
Hi Joanne, yeah I know 🙄 . I want to go back in time and slap my former self into next week for being so utterly stupid.
I am not disengaged yet. I live with my N still he is LMR according to HG. It is,awful ,he still helps me with chores etc,but ignores me with present silent treatment for weeks. I know HG LMR fuel matrix is not very high,so I cant inderstand why he is still hanging around .
Well I chose email / letter but actually it was via Facebook messenger.
I was having an affair with narc as my marriage was in a shambles. The affair lasted 17 months but it was very on-and-off. He was also having an affair with several other women which he made no secret of to me or the other women (his wife knew nothing of course.)
After my son nearly died though my husband and I decided to make another go of it, so I told my husband about the affair, who accepted it (we were a swinging couple at the time – we’re not now), and then I messaged narc to tell him that my husband knew.
Despite my reassurances that my husband wasn’t going to tell anybody, and he also wasn’t going to discuss it with narc, and that everything was okay, narc completely flew off the handle.
He said I had totally betrayed his trust, and that I should stay away from him. He said he had done nothing wrong and that everything was my fault and that I’d ruined everything.
He then went radio silent for 2 days. I tried to contact him, but nothing. He kept methodically blocking every means of communication between us, but there were many ways to contact him, so I kept trying. Then finally 2 days later he messaged me back on an obscure Twitter account that I had telling him he never wanted to see me again, and to stay away, and never to contact him again.
Then that was it. Total block on every possible platform. Someone told me he had even changed his number.
I tried to email him several times over the next few months, but nothing. I gave up.
Fast forward 13 months (to November last year) and he unblocked me, but still no contact from him. I haven’t reached out to him either.
Fast forward to March and he liked a couple of my posts on one of my business pages, and just this week he has liked a couple more of my business pages.
But still no contact.
Not one word now for exactly 2 years and 2 days.
We’re in the same industry, essentially business rivals although it used to be friendly competition. Now though it’s like a cold war. He’s watching me. I know he’s watching me. I’m sure he knows I know he’s watching me…
But still no contact.
I’m pretty sure he’s a Greater Narc from what I’ve read. He’s very intelligent, very articulate, very charismatic, and very very manipulative.
We have many mutual business acquaintances and he has many spies. I don’t know if he plans to hoover me or if this is just World War III but either way his silent presence weighs heavily. I can’t imagine him trying to contact me after 2 years though, it just seems far too long even for a narc.
I’m pretty sure he has shelved me completely, but is still watching purely due to the business rivalry aspect.
PolicyOfTruth,
I hate to burst your bubble by HG hoovered after 12 years!!!!!! …..until one of you is dead!!!!!
12 years??!
Oh my!
I’d better watch my back.
PoT(great song): I was hoovered last April by a previous narc who I used to date, 18 years later. I didn’t fall for it but he did try!
Always
Lived with mine for 12 years on the emotional rollercoaster of lengthy silent treatments and abuse.. finally told him to get out. Couple months later he told me over phone — while I was at work, he was moving out. Hoovered at least a dozen times in the subsequent year and a half.. I had absolutely no idea what I was dealing with, then. Went NC for real 3 months ago… everyday, I gain just a bit more of myself back…
Lining your posts IS a Hoover.
*LIKING*^^
My disengagement wasn’t mentioned above… she ran away from a diagnosis from our therapist, came back a week later, beat me up and started alienating our daughter from that moment.
My narc has never discarded or disengaged but he has in the form of putting me on the shelf on and off with intimacy and affection. Hes never physically left tho. I on the other hand have but never for any length of time. Moreso in the past before understanding about npd and allowing my emotions to take over. Its been more of a break than disengaging.
He disappeared gradually. He had regularly slept somewhere else, this increased until he never slept at our jointly-owned home anymore. This happened around 3 years ago. Most of his stuff is still there, and he pops in once a week or so, to collect his mail. I know he is staying with another woman, but he never told me this.
We were still in some sort of messy engagement where we did things together and slept together but I was definitely in devaluation for a long time. I was with the narcissist when another person came up and started engaging her next thing I knew they were going on bicycle rides together And I heard about a dinner that I never heard about from the narc.
in many ways I was glad but I was also thinking this new person is not the type a narc would go for. I was wrong. Then the narc got mad at me because the new Victim started fishing around for information about the narc and found out she was currently and for quite some time prior entangled with me. The narc basically was mad at me for existing and “talking about her” (when really i was just being normal and not hiding my entanglement from others)
Apparently the narc wasn’t being upfront about her true status… Although the status in her mind was I’m a narcissist soI do whatever I want. The new person didn’t care- apparently the story told was good enough And the golden period commenced. After receiving a few phone calls from the Newark accusing me of trying to “ruin friendships” what the term used- I was asked to return the house key. I went over and did that. We had a bit of a talk where she had entered full denial and some rage and that was that… I met with the narc Several times after in the following year and she had a rewritten history and walked out on me three times out of four because I brought up something that didn’t match her narrative. I was well educated by HG when I went to meet the Narc So watching how our meetings unfold it was interesting and it just about how everything HG says. Narc was flirty and complimentary with me-but used denial deflection and control of the narrative. No closure.
That’s where it stands two years later…she “REALLY likes me but so many weird things have happened “ ( truth has slipped out here and there) lol.
I have not yet been disengaged from (11%, 7 Votes)
I am for sure a DLS but I believe to be also 1/2 of IPPS as well. He’s a ping pong type. I have experienced corrective devaluations and hoovers when I try and end it but he has never gone one day without contacting me (mostly crumbs and future faking). He does love to triangulate me as i early on told him i was a bit jealous. He identifies as poly, prefers a 1+ situation and has a lot of secondary sources that he also sleeps with. He is an interesting case study. He will at times be silent but pretty certain it is not disengagement as it is usually when he is with another. I would like him out of my life but have not been successful yet. He may be a greater, not quite sure.
Use this to ascertain what he is Chrisy
https://narcsite.com/narc-detector/
It was actually in a text. He told me he was done, that once he walks away, he never looks back and that he had no intention of fixing it. We work together so he couldn’t technically vanish but he made every attempt to avoid and ignore me for months. Bastard!!!
I totally agree with HG (I did not believe this at first), there is never a thing as a ‘Final Discard’, they always circle back round eventually if you let them. You may feel he is a ‘B*****d’ but do not forget it is never about you – only what you can do for them / how you make them feel, they do not care about anyone the way an empathic person would.
Once you come to fully understand / accept this, you will view them totally differently, I am not making excuses for their behaviour, but you cannot ever forget if you choose to have them in your life, you are more than likely dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, you will always be used by a Narcissist, it will never change, it is part of their defence mechanism – just read this amazing blog, all the answers are here.
Thank you ND.
I am really not sure if I have been disengaged with at this point, he ‘needed space’ whilst also telling me he was sick, maybe 6 days later I asked how he is and he blew up at me saying I don’t understand him and how he is too busy no matter who is texting him to respond and has too many things to do and then expressed wanting to be alone again. I don’t understand it lol
Hello Wandered, does not read like disengagement. You would find an email consultation useful.
I haven’t yet been disengaged from. I left all of my narcissists beforehand I believe bc I had been used to going no contact with Narcmom repeatedly. You just reach your limit and you know things aren’t right. I’ve always left my narcissists during Stranger mode. Learn to recognize this and you will save yourself lots of pain. “Why does the narcissist seem so odd?” Is a great article. Many empaths dig their heels in at this stage and try their best, bending over backwards to get that loving person they remember back again. Once I saw Stranger mode I knew there was trouble brewing. Just leave. They are planning your destruction.
Jess
Well said – “Stranger Mode.” That is a great article and helped me to understand what I was experiencing. In my case it was a shelving. And I didn’t necessarily *leave* mine given we were not really a couple, but it was during “Stranger Mode” that I knew it was different, it was over, and I was not going to do what was expected to win back his affections and attention.
Stranger mode feels like a discard/disengagement to me always. I became devastated as soon as they aren’t mirroring me. I no longer felt seen. Loved.
Self love is the answer. That is what narcissists are here to teach us.
What is with you lot and onanism?
Thought that wa just the Sommatic Narc!
Self love emotionally not physically.
I love myself physically too, but the difference is that I still can feel love for others. Narcs can’t.
I voted the closest I could, but it didn’t happen like any of those. More like, we went from talking all day every day (not usually weekends) and extremely sexual, to one day it like 5 times a day and the sexuality was gone.
It was overnight. He never leaves all the way.
When I would ask what had happened I’d get rages and gaslighting (nothing has changed what are u talking about).
It has fluctuated up and down similar to that for over 2 yrs. Sometimes we are closer than close and sometimes like strangers.
I’m sure this is depending on what is going on with the fuel matrix.
I broke up with my ex-Narc via text, telling him very clearly that I deserved better and that this relationship was no longer working for me. A little after four months he contacted me via text and said he wanted to get together to talk. Like an idiot, I agreed. For three weeks he made an effort to act like a real boyfriend. After the third time we saw each other we had sex. Afterwards he was pacing around my place and could not wait to leave. A week later I texted him (after not hearing from him) to see if he wanted to get together. He said he was busy. Two weeks later he did not show up at a party that some mutual friends had planned. I texted him to see if he was going he said no. So in retrospect, I think I wounded him when I broke up with him via text and then he hoovered me in, had sex and then came the discard. Have not heard from him in four months and have not seen him five months. Once I figured out he went into silent mode, I never contacted him and am using this opportunity to finally break free. I hope he is wounded that I am not running after him.
HG, I am unsure whether I have been shelved or disengaged from. Everything was fine and dandy until one day he just suddenly stopped talking to me. He would read my messages but not respond. I haven’t reached out to him in 17 weeks, but I can see that he still regularly checks my stories on my social media (but does not comment). Does this mean I have been shelved rather than disengaged from?
I need more information to ascertain your position in the Fuel Matrix and then I can explain with regard to the behaviours, it does give the impression of shelving from your brief description. Use these
1. https://narcsite.com/what-am-i-to-the-narcissist-where-do-you-sit-in-the-narcissists-fuel-matrix/
2. https://narcsite.com/private-e-mail-consultation/
Sorry, I left out that I was/(am?) an IPSS. His primary is a NIP. Thank you, HG.
PhoenixRising my narc too hadn’t a primary intimate source. His primary source was, and I think that is still, his mother. I’ve always been on the shelf, but he never stopped texting me even if I was on the shelf. However he used to meet me rarely, only once in 3 or 4 months by stating he had to work, instead he had to cultivate several IPSSs alongside me. He stopped texting only when he decided to disengage from me
HG, what is the deal with that – the ongoing viewing of stories on social media (and in many cases, being the very first viewer, viewing less than 10 mins of posting)?
When we disappear without explanation and begin to reject calls and messages, does it occur to the narcissist that we have done unto them as they have done unto us?
No, MB. From your perspective you are correct. From our perspective :-
1. We did not stop or disappear, you are making that up , and/or
2. We did stop and7or disappear but with due cause because it was your fault.
The narcissism will not allow Lesser or Mid Range to see the hypocrisy. For Greater it is seen but it is amusing and we do not care.
Thank you HG. As ever, hypocrisy frustrates the Empath. His narcissism can protect him, but I still remain a ghost of Fuel past. That’s a fact!
MB
I hope that’s the title of your memoirs! “A Ghost of Fuel past”
Yes Desireé! Hopefully by this time in my NC regime, my fuel is but a forgotten memory.
None of these options. His DLS was stalking with false profiles every woman close to him and even me. As a result of those ongoing facts I wrote to him asking to tell me the truth about who was committing those acts of stalking. He refused to give me an answer so I accused him to be the direct responsible of those facts. So he wrote to me that I was not his judge and he wasn’t on trial, stated he had closed with me and blocked me everywhere. Later I came to learn he was accusing me to be the stalker, but in the meantime he removed the block although he didn’t write to me anymore. A few months later I was informed by another IPSS he had several women and he lied to everyone, so since then I started no contact and I’ll never come back
Hi HG, I ticked 2 boxes because he did it twice. The 1st time he disappeared I couldn’t reach him for 6 weeks- vanished without a trace. I had no idea what happened to him. Then he hoovered and would not leave me alone. When I finally gave in and responded he told me he did it to teach me a lesson, to show me it’s not me in control anymore and advised that I might loose him if I dont do what he wants (live with him, have his baby, etc). Then when that tactic seemed to not get the desired response he told me he did it because he had a drug problem and needed to get clean with no contact from me. He has disappeared again, however this time he told me face to face before going. He said he needs to finish getting off the drugs- that he was doing it for me. The first time I was devastated and couldn’t stop thinking about him. After hearing your videos this second time I have blocked him for when he does return and I’m ready for no contact. It has been 3 months, he told me he would be gone 2-4 months so I know he will try to be back.