The Middle Mid Range Narcissist´s Portentous Pity Play Manipulation

THE MIDDLE MID RANGE NARCISSIST´S PORTENTOUS PITY PLAY MANIPULATION

“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”

“No?”

“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Absolutely.”

“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

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39 Comments

  1. I am so glad I found your site a few months ago. I have learned so much and continue to do so. Thank you H.G.

  2. “Since I’m not good in talking about my feelings I rather show them by doing things for the ones I love. By the way, I prepared a teaching unit for you.”

    “You are right, I am not able to talk to you honestly.”

    “Your compliment is to much honour for me, I’m flushing red.”

    “The reason why we can’t have a formal relationship is that I don’t want to hurt you.”

    “You don’t mean that, you only want to please me.”

    “I’m not worthy of your love.”

    “I know your former partner. He was more brilliant than me anyway.”

    “I’m sorry, that’s the way I am when I’m stressed. I don’t like myself being like that. It won’t ever happen again, I promise.”

    “I decided not to have a relationship with a woman that I love as much as my ex-wife again. I couldn’t bear being left like that once again. So keep the distance and let us be friends. I don’t want to lose you.”

    Do you need more of these?

  3. I also can relate to this conversation, unfortunately.
    The Narc mostly uses his aging/ailing mother to manipulate me, knowing I lost mine not long ago. It was in his initial approach with me.
    Everytime I’m walking out the door ( swimming away from Narc Island) his mother has “an emergency. ”
    I believe nothing anymore. Narc emergency =blah blah blah whatever

  4. Early on:

    MRN: I’m not like other men. Not even close.
    NA: That’s quite a claim.
    MRN: You’ll see.

    Much later: (hoover)
    MRN: Come on NA. You know you’ll never feel about someone else the way you feel about me. We’re great together.
    NA: I was great. You once said you were not like other men and that was true. I kept waiting for you to measure up to them but you never could.
    MRN: Bite me NA. (Then silence).

    Yup. Rico Suave to 7th grader that fast. Still makes me laugh.

  5. This entire conversation sound so familiar. There was a point where I felt uneasy in reassuring him and even a bit creeped out at the way he looked at me for a split second, but I quickly burried it and kept talking him and the relationship up. When I look back now, it was all so very clear.

      1. Very much so. I work with a therapist who specializes in trauma and narc abuse, but your work has helped me just as much. The examples you give make the lightbulb go off…repeatedly.

  6. On the first date I got “I’m protective” but what he meant was “I’m possessive”. I also got “if something doesn’t affect me I’m not interested in it” but what he meant was “I don’t care about anything or anyone other than myself”.

    When people tell you who they are….believe them!

  7. Reading this has literally taken my breath away!
    Word for word..the exact same conversation.
    I just can not get my head around the fact that “they” all use the same language to inflict the same damage..

  8. Yep, mine too. I wish we could post pictures here so I could show you his three(!) faces. The cocksure, stunning, confident young man I first met on the boat trip; Then the quiet, (meak), glasses wearing, soft, gentle, charming man I met in the evenings to go out for meals with (who told me all his stories of ‘survival’) and then to the dark, black eyed beast he turned into when he was with his lieutenants (probably taking drugs!)..and the night he dropped his mask!

  9. you want some spleen????? Here is some fucking spleen from a drunk empath!!!!! take advantage of this shit!!!!!

    I want you!!!! But I fucking hate you!!!!! I fucking love you!!!!! I fucking hate that I love you!!!! FUCKKKKKKKK
    FuCKKKKKKK!!!!! i am a chrisTIAN BUT YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO HATE!!!!!!
    I ADORE YOU!!!! I HATE YOU TOO!!!! I WANT TO SAVE YOU BUT I KNOW I CANNOT!!!! I cry I cry I cry but you never come back the way I want you the way you were when I met you MOTHERFUCKER….. I am not evil by nature but you teach me how to be evil but all I want is to love you…… therefore you have made me schizophrenic I hate you!!!! but you are my new god which I must confess and repent for worshipping you!!!! that’s a sin….. thus I repeat!!!!!! God just leave my mind before I go completely insane!!!!!!! that is what you have done to my mind!!!! not you HG but your kind drives our kind fucking insane!!!!!!! ok so there you have it…..an enraged empath……I suppose we too have an evil side…….all your love in the beginning kills us on such a motherfuckimg deep motherfucking level!!!!! hey forgive my language……just being fucking real….. so have some fuel my friend…. I love you “DAmMIT!!!!!!!!!! hey just keeping it REAL!!!!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!! I never stop thinking of you!!!!! Not you HG but the motherfucking motherfucker who fucked my mind to fucking death!!!!!! obj I’m done!!! there is some motherfucking rage from a christian empath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see we do have something in common….RAGE!!!!!!!! ok so this was some crazy rage fueled by a great desire to have a man who never fucking existed!!!!!!!! FUCK !!!!!!!!!!! I’m drunk so here you go the real raw motherfucking emotion that only your kind can bring out of meeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! fucking sue me I dot have aunty fucking money!!!!! HAHAHAHA!

    LOVE YOU HG

    1. You know what else!!!! If I meet an real man a real sincere man with a real heart who is not a phychopath!!! You know what I’m going to do HG I’m going to fuck the shit out of him…..the best fuck he ever had!!!!! He’s going to benefit from your kind because I’m going to fuck him so good that he will believe he is in heaven. That what I will do to the real man I meet. Ok I’m done! I apologize for my raw crude drunken state but that real man with a real heart is going to be real happy! Lol just keeping it real!!!!!! Night night!!!!

        1. That’s exactly what I was thinking! Oh, T honey, a lot of us have been there! I’ve walked the walk of shame the next morning with drunk texting. Love you girl!!! Hope you feel better getting that off your chest! Hope your hangover isn’t too bad this morning! I’m having my wine tonight! Lot of ET lately so we’ll see how it goes!

          1. Have you ever watched drunk history? The host and a guest get drunk and talk about history. My night planned! Going to keep it light and amusing if I’m drinking by myself! Have a good laugh!

          2. Oh bless her. Yes, we’ve all been there, drunk texting. I ended up apologising each morning afterwards (about 3 times)..but then when I read our conversations back, they were some of the best words I had ever typed!!😂😂

  10. I know this conversation. Oh! I know it so well.
    I have heard these words and been an active participant in this very exchange.

    HG, I have to ask, why do you warn us?

    Is it to absolve yourselves later?

    Is it to mock us, openly?

    Please, will you tell me why HG?

    1. 1. Such a warning is a Pity Play, it a manipulation (an unconscious one) which is done to assert control now.
      2. The warnings that were given will then be used by the narcissism at a later stage as part of Digging Up The Past to absolve the narcissist of accountability and assert control when the victim complains about their treatment “Told you so” is the response. The narcissist does not consciously say it with the intent of using it later, it is said in the moment as an unconscious form of control and then it is used later by the narcissism to assert control at a future point by using the past.

      1. Thank you HG!!!

        I appreciate your response because it drove me bonkers trying to figure out why he would give me such warnings when things were so sweet between us. It just made no sense to me.

        Filed! Incase a rainy day comes along! 😉

      2. HG, maybe I’m dense, but I still don’t understand how telling someone not to get involved with you can assert control in the moment.

        1. Your response to this portentous remark signals to the narcissist that you are under control in the moment.

  11. Omg yes. I was with a MMRN and it was exactly like this. He said “I have a pattern of getting involved really fast and then realizing I’m not compatible with the person”, and “I really shouldn’t be getting involved so fast, but you don’t make it easy”.

  12. Oh my goodness, this is the exact conversation, almost word for word, between me and the narcissist in my life.

Vent Your Spleen!

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