The Married Target
“Nuns and married women are equally unhappy,” so said Queen Christina of Sweden.
I have not (yet) targeted a nun although I would readily claim to have done so, since an entertaining tale would surely be attached to such an endeavour. It is a different story with regards to married women.
Our kind often target married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union.
Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefer to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target which is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable.
- Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get.
- Lack of boundary recognition Nothing is off limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise it means nothing to us ( The Narcissist and Marriage ).
- Lack of accountability. We might be labelled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?”
- Triangulation. A favoured manipulation of ours which allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another and of course two fuel streams.
- Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with.
- Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose and of course succeeding, shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from a marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that?
- Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor.
- Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill and so forth.
- Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person and similar tasks which tells those of our kind who prioritise those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post divorce.
- Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous and ecstatic to be freed and of course the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy.
Accordingly, the fact that somebody is married signals to us that there are many benefits and our mind set sees this individual as an entirely viable target.
However, might there be concerns also? I am sure various questions have already formed in your mind as to why we might not regard a married person as a viable target. This may include.
- Why choose someone who is already with somebody else? Surely that requires more effort to lure them away?
- Is it not the case that Lesser and Mid-Ranger Narcissists are more likely to be deterred from hoovering when their former Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) have a new partner post escape/dis-engagement? Does this not apply when seeking a target?
- Are we not concerned about reprisals from the target’s spouse, family and friends?
- Are we not concerned our facade may be damaged by such behaviour which society generally frowns on?
- Would we not be perturbed that if this person can be stolen away from another that that means they will do the same to us at some point?
- If someone is willing to cheat on their partner, are they as empathic as we want them to be?
Fair questions. Taking them in turn.
- Yes, it will require more effort but our sense of entitlement, unshakeable belief in our brilliance and moreover the rewards that await us mean this effort is worthwhile. Keep in mind that as we are targeting this person we will usually be devaluing our own IPPS an therefore there is plenty of negative fuel to hand to power the seduction of this newly acquired target. We are not in any rush to secure them (our IPPS is not looking to escape and the conditions for dis-engagement have not yet been met).
- That consideration is certainly applicable when applied to the Follow-Up Hoover but this is a Seduction Hoover and therefore the condition and context are entirely different. The fear of rejection is not one which is looming large.
- No. Our belief in our superiority pushes such a concern to one side. The Lesser will resort to physical violence if necessary. The Mid-Ranger will use this unwarranted (in his or her mind) attack to prove that he or she deserves pity and praise for doing the right thing in trying to set the poor spouse free from their “abusive tyrant”. The Greater will charm his way out of trouble or threaten his own far worse repercussions if anybody tries to get clever.
- This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).
- Ha ha! Of course not, why on earth would they ever leave us after everything we have done for them? Don’t be stupid.
- This is an interesting question and one which merits its own article as to why do empathic people cheat? Suffice to state for the purposes of this piece, we regard their desire to cheat as a necessary ‘evil’ to escape the situation they are in/get to a better place with us and this is a temporary behaviour which will not affect their overall empathic nature.
Accordingly, with motivating factors in place and any potential concerns either not applicable or easily addressed, we commence our pursuit.
Why do we consider that this married target will succumb to our seduction? Leaving aside our belief in our irresistible qualities, our brilliance and magnetism there are a number of reasons why we see it as likely that these people will fall under our spell.
- The married targets we lock on to are of course of similar make-up to our targets who are single. Namely they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits as explained in Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You . Moreover the people we target are susceptible to being drawn to our kind. They have an inherent vulnerability to our kind and being married does not mean this vulnerability has vanished.
- The married target may already be with one of our kind. Thus, whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range will not recognise this, they will instinctively have identified a person who is susceptible to them also AND will invariably be devalued (or is being devalued) and therefore allows the incoming narcissist to play the role of rescuer. It is the case that our kind will steal empaths from one another. The Greater Narcissist will of course recognise one of the brethren and use this to his advantage in spiriting away the empathic married target.
- The married target might actually be one of our kind and the Lesser and Mid-Range have not spotted one another. The married target is of course absolutely game for infidelity and whilst the outcome will be the relevant conclusion of a romantic collision between the relevant school of narcissist, the fact that the married target is a narcissist means that the coupling is going to occur.
- We see how people’s lives become humdrum and monotonous. We do not recognise the deep-seated bond between two people because we are incapable of attachment ourselves. We do not pay heed to the stability that some relationships acquire through the passage of time. What we see instead is someone who must be bored with the same routine (because of course we become bored easily and therefore judge others in a similar vein) but our magical thinking means they cannot possibly become bored with us. Whilst we may not play the abuse card, we still see this person as stuck in a rut, fed-up, in need of spice and adventure and of course as the dazzling whirlwind that we are, we arrive and provide that all. Who could fail to be excited by such a marvellous array of glitter, gold and garnish?
- People always have something to complain about with regard to their spouse. He isn’t romantic any more, she has let herself go, we never do anything together, she just wants to watch television, he won’t show any interest in what I do, he insists on going fishing every weekend, he snores and it drives me nuts and so on. Whether it is significant or trivial, we will count on these facts and uncover them and use them to our advantage. We will heighten our attractiveness based on this (for instance asking you all about your interest in 18th century literature) and denigrate the spouse’s unattractive trait (i wouldn’t go fishing if I could go to the theatre with you instead). Of course this is just part of the lying and mirroring that we do.
- Our split thinking will automatically paint your spouse as the villain of the piece. His concern about where you are is painted as him trying to control you. His friendly demeanour with other women is evidence of his flirtatious nature. Our insidious techniques drip feed dissent and play with your mind. We dangle the golden carrot in one hand and pump toxic lies over your spouse with the other, looking to steadily tip the scales in our favour.
- We will readily invent tales of your spouse’s supposed misdemeanours and/or manufacture them. A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband tell here where to go). Another Lieutenant will be sent to get your wife drunk or slip drugs into her handbag for you to find later, ramping up our suggestions that she is selfish and tripping the light fantastic whilst you stay at home looking after the children. Why are you putting up with that when you could leave and be with someone who really appreciates you?
- Everybody has their price. Nobody is immune and above being manipulated into a position whereby they are seduced by us. Yes, some may take longer than others, but combine the target’s susceptibility, the fact they may be in a difficult relationship, the fact they may be bored or lonely, the fact we are exciting and invigorating, the fact we will manipulate the battlefield so it is always in our favour and you have a situation where it is impossible for someone to resist us. We will secure our married target. Ultimately, if there are those who are impervious to our overtures, we won’t target them to begin with.
The dynamic of the married target and the narcissist also has to be addressed. We may see a ring on a finger of a person in a bar and opt to make them an Intimate Partner Tertiary Source by sleeping with them that night before they slink away to their spouse. We may never bother with them again, but fuel has been obtained, Thought Fuel gained thinking of the unseen spouse wondering where their wife or husband is and the ratification of our power achieved.
More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source. They may be a Dirty Little Secret, a colleague who we rut in the empty offices at work or who scurries away from their spouse under the pretence of attending the gym before meeting is in the back of our car in a shadowy car park. We may have no pressing need to make them our IPPS and therefore we are content to utilise that person as a Shelf IPSS, organising a night away together when he pretends he is on a business trip, or calling in to work on the basis of being unwell to spend an afternoon together. We may bring you into our world, letting you meet friends and family, seeing you intermittently, content to show you our enticing world and then place you on the shelf, leaving you longing for more, pining for us at weekends when you must be with your family and we are engaging with our own IPPS or a different IPSS.
We may hit the motherlode and realise you ought to be out IPPS and as our Candidate IPSS we go all out to smear your spouse, entice you and roll out all our dazzling illusions to show you that you need to leave him, be free and be yourself but with us. We will coax, cajole and entice, showing you the forbidden fruits and the liberation that awaits you at our supposedly benevolent rescuing hand. The more we smear your innocent spouse and the more we shower you with the love-bombing, your resistance will erode. Your emotional thinking will subsume your cool, hard logic as you become swept up in the moment and your emotional thinking cons you as it whispers to you
“You have been a wife and a mother for twenty years, never complaining, it is time you started living.”
“She just interested in sex anymore and you have needs, here is someone who makes you feel alive again.”
“She just takes you for granted. Here is someone who values you.”
“Yes he will be hurt if you leave but he will get over it. You deserve to be happy don’t you?”
Oh, the excuses will come pouring and of course we will not dissuade you from thinking in this way. We will say and do whatever is needed to get what we want. Charming you and painting your spouse as evil, awful and selfish.
The simple fact is that all people are targets. Married targets are often even better targets.
12 thoughts on “The Married Target”
Is the prized win of a narc. include that of a friend or best friend’s wife or girlfriend?
No. It is control and fuel.
This entry sounds so much like what happened when Eric Clapton stole his supposedly best friend George Harrison’s wife Pattie. In his autobiography Clapton practically brags how he was never faithful Pattie. Meanwhile, “Layla” is seen as one of the greatest love songs in rock.
Classic case. Love bombed her forever then lost interest as soon as he had her locked down. All about the win, but people point to Layla as proof of his “love”.
Really great piece!
“There are also mirrors where you can see what’s missing.” (Friedrich Hebbel)
My narcs IPPS left her boyfriend after 11 years relationship for my narc after his mirroring and seduction on a class trip in front of 16 years old pupils’ eyes.
One week after his conquest he startet writing with me again.
Two weeks later I found out about the two of them, three weeks later he took me to lunch again, purring to me as usual and continued his manipulation and seduction. (He couldn’t have a relationship with me, because he would be too scared to lose me blabla).
His IPPS told a friend, that she had found out on the class trip with him, what she had been missing in her relationship before….
This is one of the rare moments I feel really sorry for that woman.
Fine, the moment is over again already and I just continue celebrating that I got rid of him!
Again a very helpful and enlightening article, HG, thanks a lot!
And I have a short question: Are those brilliant and matching images on the top of each article your work, too?
They follow my brief, yes.
I always had a partner, he always tried. When i wouldnt leave my partner immediately this time as i had before for him he punished me (as he says) with the silent treatment by disappearing for months and smeared my name. Calling me a whore. When in actual he in fact is/was the one trying to force me into acting like one. Yet again you open my eyes HG, thank you
You are welcome, Kim.
I have read this aricle before and even listened to it on YouTube, but for some reason it really hit home today. It has brought up a lot of memories that have given me a new perspective.
He did come sweeping in on the white steed to rescue me from the cage I was trapped in. Claiming I shouldn’t put up with the physical abuse, and besides hed always thought my husband was too controlling and was never concerned with anything that I wanted out of life. He shot down all my reasons for not leaving, and even had the support of our friends/coworkers. His seduction began before I even left and he was claiming his marriage was just as miserable. He was separated to for a short time. There was a lot of future faking.
Now I realise at different points in our 25 year friendship he was guaging my fidelity to my husband. I was always faithful up until the separation. But he was trying to get between us with a butter knife. He would ask about any crushes I’d had or if my husband was ever jealous of him. By the end he had wedged a crow bar between us and made the separation. All his targets have been married. He later stated to me that he was a “member of the lonely housewives club”
Ohhhh, now it makes sense why so and so’s husband ended up standing over his bed in the middle of the night with a baseball bat threatening to knock him across the room with it!
Ladies watch out for secret members of the lonely housewives club!
With learning from your work I would know if a Narcissist was trying to seduce me again. He can try but it wont happen I am sure of it. I have one N that I am trying to get rid of I dont need another one it will become to complicated and to stressful to deal with. I would rather be alone I can Fuel myself.