Putting A Sex On You


I was in session with Dr E.

“So,” I asked, “what is today’s topic for discussion?”

“Sex,” he replied.

“Do I have to talk about this with you?”

He pushed his spectacles back.

“You do not have to talk about anything, but I would hope you would discuss this with me.”

“Can’t I talk to Dr O about sex?”

“Why? Are you uncomfortable discussing sex with another man?” he asked. I could see he had his pen poised ready to make a note.

“Not at all. Sorry, doctor but there is no homophobia about me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well you were about to suggest that my reluctance to discuss matters of sex with you denotes a homophobic trait on my part.”

“Not at all, that would be prejudging you and an unsafe basis for analysis.”

“I don’t believe you,” I replied.

“Why would you rather discuss sex with Dr O?” he asked. He showed no sign of irritation or disappointment at my preference.

“I would be interested to learn her views about sex. She is so pristine and clinical when I see her, I want to know what goes on under the bonnet.”

“These sessions are about you not us,” said Dr E.

“Don’t worry Dr E I have no interest in whether you apply nettles to your scrotum or whatever it is you do to excite yourself.”

“Is that something you have done?” he asked.

“No but I have used them on someone else.”

“Male or female?”



“The stinging sensation across the nipples or the inner thighs of course hurts but then that gives way to a delicious flood of pleasure when combined with the application of my tongue.”

Dr E was scribbling.

“I see, so you enjoy the fact it hurts the other person and then becomes pleasurable for her?”


“Please do expand.”

“Will I get to talk about sex with Dr O?” I asked, shifting topic.

“On some aspects of sex, yes,” replied Dr E. I smiled.

“Good. Very well since that is going to happen and I will hold you to that promise Dr E, I will expand on my point.”

“I do it because the issue of that person’s pain and then pleasure is entirely at my gift. I control it and that appeals to me considerably.”

“So control in an sexual encounter is important to you?” asked Dr E.

“Control is the sexual encounter for me. I have little interest in my own sexual gratification, yes it feels pleasant when I orgasm but ultimately I can do that myself and invariably with more intense results. I have even less interest in the sexual gratification of another person. Denying them that sexual gratification? Now that is far more enjoyable than granting them their release. Sex is all about control. I am highly skilled in between the sheets.”

“Is that your conclusion or of others?”

“Both. You see I know how people think, I know how they react and I have had many sexual encounters with many different people. There are vast numbers of different permutations when it comes to what satisfies a person and no two people are the same.  I am like a super computer. I can rattle through the various combinations until I hit the right approach which will send my bedroom companion into orbit. I am willing to apply every part of my body, every facet of my sexual knowledge in order to make that person feel utterly orgasmic. That gives me huge control over them and makes me very powerful. I know what turns them on, what makes them moan and scream and shudder in orgasmic bliss. I use this massively powerful ability of mine to bring them under my spell. Once that is done I will grant it and deny it as and when I see fit. I will purposefully do the things that does not arouse them in order to make them react. I will caress a partner in a public place and whisper in their ear that if they show any kind of reaction to what I am doing I will stop and deny them any sexual congress for an indefinite period. This gives them an earth shattering orgasm and underlines my control over them. I will interrupt a row with a girlfriend by taking her against the kitchen workbench. She soon forgets what the argument was about as I have her moaning in delight before I just walk off before she climaxes. Imagine how she follows me about the house begging for me to “finish her off”? Think of the promises she makes just to feel me inside her again? That is control. That is power. I work out a person’s sexual key code and deliver heaven. They find that addictive and want it so much. I find the power attached to this ability addictive. When you go to bed with me you are getting the best. Nobody afterwards will come close to what I give you.”

There was a long pause as Dr E jotted down my words. He looked a little flustered to me. I wished it was Dr O sat there instead.

“Do you think a sexual encounter should be about something other than control?”

I laughed at this comment,

“Heavens no, that is its only function. It is an instrument, like so many other things, to bring you under my spell, but I must admit, it is probably one of the most potent and effective instruments. Sex is actually rather boring but controlling the reaction and emotions of another person, well, now that is far more interesting.”

“Have you ever wondered what it would be like to give up that control and allow yourself to be enveloped in the ‘moment’ with the other person?” asked Dr E.

“No I cannot give up control. You see, I know there are those that engage in being tied up and punished, you know smacked with an open hand or a cane. They may get a sexual reaction from being treated like this but the real reason they do it is that they are giving up control. I had a girlfriend who was very submissive and allowed me to do…well I will let you use your imagination there doctor, but she wanted zero control. She was high up in a bank and responsible for millions of pounds and hundreds of employees and she wanted to be divested of that responsibility and give up her control if only for an hour or two. I found her explanation interesting but I could not understand it. Why give up control? Why surrender something you have worked hard to achieve? Control is the ultimate aim of taking someone to bed. I control them in that bed and the spell I put on them means that control extends far beyond the bedroom, such is its power.”

Dr E nodded and continued writing.

“What if you lost your sexual potency? What if you became impotent?” he asked.

“Why would that happen?”

“Plenty of reasons. Alcohol abuse, substance abuse, diabetes, age, anxiety. There are many reasons why this could happen.”

I shook my head.

“People like me don’t suffer that. God gave me the gift of sexual brilliance to further my purposes, He would not take it away from me.”

“But if it did happen, what would you do? How would you manage with such a loss of this marvellous instrument of control?”

“Are you taking the piss now doctor?” I snapped.

“Not at all. Just posing a relevant question aligned to your desire for control.”

“Listen doctor, don’t project your problems in that department onto me, okay?”

Dr E remained silent. I copied him an just sat in silence glaring at him. How dare he suggest I would lose my potency? What an idiot. He ought to know better than that by now. I kept staring at him waiting for his next clever remark but he just stared back. This stand-off went on for a few minutes but I knew he would look away first. I maintained my baleful gaze as the fury at his impertinence coursed through me and then he lowered his eyes to his black and red notepad and made some more notes. I had won.

“Not so cocky now are we doctor?” I muttered under my breath.

Learn more about the narcissist’s view of sex in the ground-breaking book available here



  1. G’ Day STBS:)! I am born overseas but I call Australia home:) I love Mardi Gras because of the incredible spirit 🙂! I am an extrovert and I used to be a party animal 😂. And when my heart was broken last year, before I met Narc 2, a very sweet gay man wiped my tears and gave me the moral support I needed. Sexpo is trashy, I saw some photos and it was enough for me to lose any interest to visit. So you are no not alone 🙂.

    1. G’day mate (Claire)!

      I’m south to you, but out in the countryside 🤗

      Lovely to know there is another from Oz! Shame the circumstances are…well…such as they are.

      I can see that the Mardi Gras would be wonderful for an outgoing girl! Not me I’m afraid! A bookworm with tastes running to quiet views, roaring fires and as much quiet as possible.

      A tear wiped away from a gay man! What a sweet and touching experience!

      And yeah….NO WAY to Sexpo! Not in this lifetime! Haha


        1. Absolutely! And these guys can give you a better insight and better advice. Sometimes you need just to open up without any judgement, like “ I told you so “ What the hell you were expected” , etc.

      1. I love the country people, STBS🙂! I deal with them on a daily basis due to my work. They are nice and down to earth , hardworking people.
        This blog is the best! You are going to learn a lot from the best teacher about narcissism, no one can compare to HG!

        Indeed it was a blessing to meet this gay man – the right person in the right time! God bless him!

        1. Me too Claire! Aussies are a wonderful bunch! Especially the country people! Nothing but warm welcomes and open arms to all!

          I couldn’t agree more about the blog. It’s become my happy place!
          I get excited every day to see what’s new. Always something new to learn and enjoy or bristle at!

          Haha! I had to read your last paragraph twice! I thought you meant HG! Hahaha!!

          But yes! A kind moment with a sweet stranger just lights everything up! That’s why it’s important to always be good to people so we can light them up too ❤️

          1. STBS, although our awesome HG doesn’t believe in God, he is included in my prayers. Thanks to HG my inner peace finally was restored ( I divorced a Narc and then kicked out of my life another Narc) and now I feel much stronger.
            “That’s why it’s important to always be good to people so we can light them up too ❤️“

            I couldn’t agree more with you🙂❤️!


          2. Hi Claire,

            It’s nice that you pray for him!

            His information is extraordinary! It’s good to hear that you found peace here. ❤️

            I’m still working on peace. But I’m well on my way.

            May all sufferers eventually find their way to this place! I’ll pray for that tonight and hope that it’s heard. Xo

  2. Well, there you have it: just put “Sex” in the title and you end up with almost 500 (and counting) comments.

      1. Perverts?!!

        Sex is natural, sex is good
        Not everybody does it
        But everybody should
        -George Michael, who may have drank himself to death

        1. Sex is best when its 1 on 1
          I love that song, there was so much controversy when that song came out.
          Love that album one of my favourites George Michael RIP ! Agapie mou !

          1. True HG , we just love this topic ,especially the book Sex and the Narcissist. Now I I know what goes in that mind of yours my dear. Ummmmm interesting.

          2. At this juncture, you know about 25% of what goes on in my mind. If you have read all of my work so far.

      2. Oh, I know right?!

        I still haven’t experienced a narcissist or psychopath that could rock my sexual world lol.

        How boring lmao.

  3. HG,

    What happens to a Mid Range narc when they become impotent? What happens if a IPPS insults him about it ?

  4. Hi again Witch,

    Trust , you would accept some brief comments. This is only my view so it is subjective🙂
    “Women have more orgasms in lesbian relationships because women are more e sensual and focus more on the clit.“

    A woman cannot give me what a man can. I am attracted only to the opposite gender and I have no desire whatsoever nor any curiosity to be intimate with a woman. Some guys are very sensual as well.
    Each to their own:).

    “A lot of men think that once they ejaculate sex is finished.” This is due to their physiology and the hormones released during/after climax.

    “Women require more of a build up towards penetration because we need time for our vaginas to get moist and relax.” Agree

    “I also read a survey which reported that most of the guys who took part expressed disinterest in a woman’s pleasure if they were not in committed relationship.”
    In general, a non committed relationship is unhealthy one so no surprise from the result of that survey.
    On the other hand, if there is great chemistry even ONS could be a memorable experience, trust me 😉. Some guys are very keen to please and what 2 ladies do between the sheets is just a part of the foreplay with the guys .
    They are eager to give a lot without being asked.
    My 2 cents.


    1. Hi Clare,

      I was not suggesting that you need to sleep with a woman especially if it goes against your natural instincts. I’m sorry if it came across like I was trying to pressure you into something you have no interest in.
      I mentioned that women report receiving more orgasms in lesbian relationships than het relationships, only to evidence my stance that women should not fall for these pathetic excuses and continue to accept less than what they deserve.
      I find that a lot of women especially women in their 20’s express disappointment with sex or a lack of interest in sex for their own pleasure and a lot of the time it’s because they continue to come across guys who are disinterested in their pleasure.
      I’ve even had a woman tell me that she mentioned to her husband that she has never had an orgasm and he said “that’s okay I don’t mind”
      LMAO!!! WOW!
      Of course there are exceptions to the rule. But there is also a noticeable pattern.

      1. Don’t worry Witch🙂, you don’t have to apologise🙂, nor I feel any pressure from your side . You are free to except your opinion on the topic and I respect it🙂.
        I have a younger friend overseas, she is a lesbian and we were very closed, like sisters . We fully communicated, accepted and respected each other’ s sexual preferences.
        My heart sank in few occasions when her heart was broken by unscrupulous girls ( straight and bi ) as she is a fantastic person and didn’t deserve it.
        So regardless of one’s preferences in a healthy intimate relationship both individuals should cherish their partners. If one blatantly ignore ( like the lady’s husband you mentioned above) other’s needs or forcing them to experience something that they are not comfortable with ( you name it ) then it is not a healthy alliance.

        My 2 cents :)

        1. Yes I agree.
          I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I would encourage her to self reflect as to why she may be primarily attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
          If a woman told me she was straight, I may still sleep with her but I wouldn’t take it seriously, I would keep my expectations low low low.
          It’s one thing being attracted to the same sex and it is quite another to be willing to face homophobia as a consequence of having a committed gay relationship. Many bisexuals do not want to deal with the consequences of their same sex attraction. Most will end up in long term het relationships, partly because the dating pool is much larger and partly because it is socially safer to do so. I have empathy for that. But at the same time I expect people to have the decency to be honest and not to lead others on.
          Lesbian marriages have higher divorce rates than gay male marriages. I would love to find a survey for the reasons why.
          I think women can be more prone to bickering over minor things and I think generally speaking men probably have lower expectations because they are not as taken in by unrealistic fluffy BS such as “soul mates” and “meant to be.”

          1. Hi Witch,
            My friend is an empath and she was conned in the past from the girls in the same manner like some gold diggers con some men . She is very smart, has a PhD, very generous and open person. She is from a well off family and she looks as a cute boy, it so so rare to see a woman with a very short hair looking terrific and without any make up.
            No wonder she was played by some women.But no longer – she is still single but more cautious and doesn’t allow anymore to be exploited.
            In many European countries the gay marriage are still illegal.
            In Australia they become legal last year.

          2. P. S. Off topic – you and your fiancée should come to Sydney for our famous Mardi Gras. It is a marvellous spectacle- fabulous costumes, music and lighting. I love it❤️! People are very friendly, the City is transformed into a giant disco club, the vibe, the spirit 👍🏻. And the so hot gay boys – an unbiased remark from the straight girl😉.

          3. Hi Claire,

            A fellow Aussie!! 🙂

            Your Mardi Gras are indeed a spectacle!

            I was invited to Sexpo this year and I had to refuse! The overt sexuality of Sexpo and Mardi Gras intimidates the life out of me.

            I’m so private sexually, I think I’d go into cardiac arrest being at those type of events. Mind you, I’ve only ever been to a nightclub twice so that’s saying something about my lines of entertainment!

            Nice to have a neighbour here 🙂

          4. “Many bisexuals do not want to deal with the consequences of their same sex attraction.” This is true, but I think it’s mainly because most bisexuals (I prefer sexually fluid) are stigmatized both from the heterosexual community and the LGBTQ one. As for the orgasms, I think a woman should have a right to express her preferences and obtain as many orgasms as she wants (together with a room of her own). It is true in my personal experience that women are more willing to care about another woman’s pleasure. Although some of my male partners have been extraordinary good at that too, my husband for example. So we can’t generalize.

          5. Sweetest—the entire sexual identity thing is indeed wildly variable and I hate terms. I don’t identify as anything except heterosexual and absolutely prefer men. I do get sick of how uptight some (many) people are about women being together. It’s viewed as quite risqué and it irks me because it’s not nearly risqué compared to some of the crap I’ve done with men. (No chandeliers yet either..) People are dumb. If I want to sleep with a woman then so be it or a man so be it.

          6. I know this is not true for all women that identify as bisexual, but in my case, I married a man because I fell in love with him. This the prefix “bi.” Many LGBTQ people criticize this and many heterosexuals wonder how you can define yourself as bi if you are in a heterosexual relationship. The relationship looks heterosexual, but I am still not. And that is who I am, regardless of who I decided to date or marry. There are also many bisexuals that have never had the luck of dating a person of their same sex despite knowing they feel attracted to them. Life is unpredictable.

          7. Hi SP,
            Of course you are still bisexual no matter who you are with.
            There are more closeted “heterosexuals” that are actually bisexual than people care to admit.
            I remember several years ago talking to a woman on here, who was so shocked that her narc ex ended up with a man, she couldn’t get over it or let it go. I was honey he likes the D, get over it!

          8. Witch, as soon as I told my narc I’m bi, he decided to act even more bi than me, everything is a competition. He told me he had had sex with men, which I honestly don’t care about, and he even showed up wearing panties on one of our encounters, which I honestly didn’t care about either because I was focused on his abs and biceps. He liked to fantasize about wearing makeup sometimes and I am such an idiot that I thought maybe I could help him express his inner self. I didn’t know he doesn’t have an inner self. He did that because he wanted to suck all aspects of my identity, including my sexuality.

          9. @SP

            I was trying to get one of the narcs to admit he was bi lol
            He told me that one of his guy friends went down on him when they were both drunk and high, and he tried to blame it on the fact that he was intoxicated and his friend “took advantage of him.”
            He also said he asked a boy in high school to touch to him lol
            When I went into his room he has a whole book series titled “bisexuality and aids” and I said “so you have a lot of books about being bisexual” and he was dead silent, he heard what I said but didn’t respond.
            He also let me finger his batty hole.

          10. Well well well… let me tell you that the last sentence is not an evidence of anything as many heterosexual men also find pleasure in that. But yes you’re right, some people find it very difficult to admit their bisexuality. I don’t know why so many people blame it on alcohol, either, starting with Katy Perry! “I got so brave drink in hand / Lost my discretion.” Yes yes, but you liked it!

        2. Hi Claire,
          Your friend sounds fantastic. I love a hot tomboi. I hope she finds someone special.
          Thanks for the holiday suggestion.
          We are going to Morocco in May and saving up for our wedding. We want a party (I’ve never had a party) and parties are expensive, but maybe one day we will get to see Australia

          1. Wow, a trip to Morocco sounds very exiting, Witch🙂👍🏻! Yep, parties are expensive. I agree, better have a memorable party on your wedding day🙂.

  5. @not me
    The narcissist world is a very strange world indeed. But it’s important that we continue to learn about what we are dealing with so we have the right tools to protect ourselves.
    You don’t need to stop being empathetic or open minded, you just need to learn how to recognise the narcs early so you can avoid them and concentrate on the people who are worth while.

  6. FYC, “Every time you make a choice, you create a path to a belief”. This is why I value your advice so much. In order to understand, I have to be able to see a visual direction in my mind. This makes sense to me. It’s like what MB was talking about on another thread. I believe she called it thought block. I did that and still do it order to redirect my thoughts. In my mind when I would have a thought of the narcissist I would shut the door on the thought or the vision of him (it’s actually a window with shutters). It became habit and I hardly think about it now when I do it.

    Work is good. I actually enjoy my job. The situation that we talked about before is still there but I can not change it. On a positive note my boss has set me up to take the classes I need so I feel like I was heard when I had the conversation with him. I will do what makes me happy. At least I do not feel like I’m stuck in a situation that I don’t want to be in. I do have options! How have you been?

    1. I am happy for your progress Mercy, but not surprised. In life you have options at every turn. It is freeing to rewrite your internal ‘sound track’ to one that maps to your own beliefs. All your choices in thought and action from this point forward can be conscious ones. Should you later decide to change course, that right is reserved.

      Do let me know how your classes go. I hope they grow your opportunities. I sense you have much to give and more to claim in your future and I am cheering you on.

      As for me, I have had some challenges of late with a familial N, but today I am listening to Zero Impact, and although I am only half way through, my mind is blown. Unbelievable. To say that this package is intelligent, insightful, packed with epiphanies and actionable advice would be an understatement. I highly recommend Zero Impact to any empath regardless of perceived need. So, I guess, all in all, I am feeling great today! Onward and upward. Thank you for asking.

      1. FYC, I am sorry to hear that but glad you are doing better today. I am very interested in zero impact. Maybe it’ll be a Christmas present to myself. I have heard you talk about your N family members. Do you mind if I ask how they are able to pull you in? I’ve been wanting to ask about your background but don’t want to intrude if it’s too personal.

        I will definitely let you know about the classes. I feel like it’s a win against my previous narc boss and it’s given me a new respect for my current boss that he is making it right. Thank you for the encouragement you gave me to talk to him about my concerns.

        1. Mercy, you are very kind and very welcome. You have so much to offer. Now that the N boss is out of the picture you can shine. Just remember to keep your internal stake holders aware of your ideas and progress as it relates to them. That way, next promotion that arises, you will be top of mind and recommended. As for my family, I was very low contact but an unexpected health event has changed that for a period of time.

          Zero Impact exceeded any expectations. In fact, I think HG soft sells it. Zero Impact is more necessary than he describes for all empaths, and more powerful In ways I had not anticipated. Excellent audio delivered passionately too. I highly recommend it.

          1. FYC, I am glad zero impact is working for you. I have one last hurdle to overcome. (which I will consult with HG about) and then I’m ready to purchase the package. I want out! Mind, body and soul!!

            Know that I’m thinking of you and wish you well with your struggles. You have been most kind and have helped me a great deal this last year. Talk to you soon ❤️

          2. Thank you for your kindness Mercy💞 I believe you will one day be 100% free. HG and Zero Impact will get you there. And very soon, you will never again feel any doubt about your worth. You will know you are worth everything.

  7. Since this article is sexual is nature, I do have a question you may be able to help with, please HG?

    Can anyone else please tell me if they can relate too?

    Since being sexual with my lover narc (in an affair) who I haven’t seen in 8 months…I can’t orgasm unless I think of him.

    It does not matter if I’m alone or with my partner, I just can’t, unless I’m thinking of him.

    Is this common? And does it lesson over time?

    1. It is not common, but not unheard of. It is a product of emotional thinking causing you to link the individual with the sensation of orgasm and convincing you that you cannot orgasm to anything other than thinking of him. Reducing your emotional thinking will release its grip on this aspect of your life.

      1. I do know that you are correct HG.

        Mental bonds with me are stronger than anything physical.

        However, how does one just change their thought processes? It makes me who I am, doesn’t it?

        Can an empathetic person genuinely change who they are or how they think under any circumstances?

        Can people change, genuinely? Ever?

        1. Organise a consultation and I’ll explain how. You don’t change who you are, you cannot. You change how you behave to accommodate who you are in a more constructive and effective fashion.

          1. Thanks, HG.

            I do realise that I am stuck in the netherworld of all this.

            I keep thinking that I’ve come so far that I’ll get through it without needing help and then I just keep hitting new brick walls.

            I will arrange another consultation with you when I can find the time alone. I don’t know when, but yes, I can see that I don’t seem to be making much progress on my own.

            You are up late!

          2. Well done for realising that you are stuck, it is important to be able to recognise that. Whether you arrange a consultation is of course entirely upto you, but the longer you delay, the harder it becomes.

        2. Oh. I feel for you. I really do.

          Echoing HG, its unusual. In fact I think this is the first time I’ve come across it. Not being able to orgasm with a partner is fairly common but in this instance, you’ve pinned down a reason.

          I’ve been sat here thinking about how I can help you. All I can do is to say what I feel when I’m having sex. Fact is, I dont think of anything at all. This might be why I enjoy the act so much; it’s a break from my brain.

          Women are so fabulous. It’s such a shame I’m straight. I percieve that when we are in the moment that there is nothing else. No thoughts. Emotions yes. And contagion.

          It’s clear you’re an Empath. Actually I find it very surprising you can think yourself to orgasm. Many years ago, I could do that but not now. And yes, I was with the big narc.

          It could just be as simple as the fact your body recognises that you are literally sleeping with the enemy and reacts accordingly. When we are in that moment we are very vulnerable.

          I recommend a consult to remove some of the ET. I hope you are now away fro. The narc but if you’re not, I’m not judging. I know it’s hard. I’m always here.

          1. Hi Renarde,

            I am deeply ‘in my head’ sexually.
            I am not often visually aroused. I am all audio and thoughts.

            If I hear something that I find arousing or think of anything I find arousing, then that’s my on switch.

            I can’t think my way to orgasm without touch though.

            I am well away from the narc but he did make a Hoover attempt today. I will never see him or speak to him again. That is certain to me. I don’t want to because he’s poison for me.

            I don’t want to be thinking of him at all anymore, especially sexually. When I need to achieve though, it seems to be the only thing that now works.

            Maybe I subconsciously like abuse?
            I have to wonder. And if that’s right, then I am a bit of a freak, I think.

          2. No. Your emotional thinking makes you believe that you like abuse.

            I will make is very clear what you need to do.

            You are an addict. Your ET makes you feed your addiction. You need to learn to reduce and manage your ET. That is why you need to arrange a consultation.

          3. I am addicted HG. Completely.

            Also, in awe of.

            It’s fascinating and intoxicating to me.

            Can that be altered?

          4. STBS

            Well done on resisting the Hoover! Excellent work. Be proud of yourself!

            You’re not a freak lovely. Or if you are, I am too and I dont want to be a freak.

            I find it fascinating how you view your own sexuality. Please do keep on posting if it helps you. I must admit I have now a prurient interest in your sex life!

            I must ask though, how did the Hoover get through?

          5. Hi Renarde,

            I don’t know if I resisted the Hoover well at all. It was via a mutual friend who I don’t speak with often. She called me and I had a strange sense that I shouldn’t talk to her. So I didn’t answer. She kept calling and calling, which is out of place for our friendship. I kept brushing it off and I texted her that I am very busy and would call back when I could. She ignored that and keep calling and calling. So I worried that it must be important. I answered and it was the narc show. “Oh poor such and such, he’s so depressed, he’s so lonely, he’s aged years since you left work, he’s looking terrible, he’s so miserable”, then wants to know all about my life and every little detail about my plans. It’s only odd, because we don’t have a relationship that is so close and it was all about the narc and then an information bonanza about myself. I just chatted away and didn’t think about it much, until afterwards and I realised that I had given much more information about myself than I should have and now I’m worried as I understood clearly that every word I said was going straight back to narc.

            I can’t say for certain that she was encouraged to make that call with me, but my senses are going off the charts about it. I should never have taken that call.

            I have stopped seeing her and all our mutual friends and have rejected all social plans with her and others, citing excuses about called in to work unexpectedly etc, but because she just would not stop calling, I let my worry override my common sense and I wish I could undo it.

            So then, (oh how I adore this universe!!) I woke up in the middle of the night last night from a dream about my narc, where he displays that he is a narcissist and that people all around him are telling me he is a narcissist over and over again. This is odd because I still battle with the is “he/isn’t he” rolling around in my head and this seemed like confirmation from the universe! I have asked the universe to answer that question to me a dozen times and last night it delivered! Too late?

            So, today I am considering calling this friend, admitting my affair to her and asking her to not transfer any single thing about me to the narc but I don’t know if that’s the right move. I told her I was moving house and I even told her which suburb when she asked (f*ckhead I am!!!) And I am desperately trying to think of a way to ask her not to pass that information on. Very mad at myself.

            So, I can’t be proud of myself unless I can prevent the information traveling to him. 😟

            On to glorious sex Renarde! Haha. It’s funny how we all not only love the topic of sex but love everyone else’s sex live’s too.
            HG is right! Dirty, dirty empaths, who are a bunch of deviates!

            My sex life, at present, is, for lack of a better word, eradicated.

            I’m not good at short answers…but I’ll try to summarise it..

            I am 40, and until I met narc 3 years ago, my sex life was a porno. Marathon sessions that were beyond inspirational. I have no idea how or why my sex life was so intense and how my partner (of 23 years) and I never tired of each other in the bedroom. Nothing was off limits and from weird to filthy to unimaginably filthy my sex life was just spectacular.

            I have never been able to view love and sex in the same category. Thanks to childhood narc abuse (unbeknownst at the time of course) I have never been able to feel loved. Even though I had loads to give. So I accepted sex readily as it made me feel wanted, if not loved and I was insatiable.

            Flash forward to meeting narc. An aging old man. Very gentle in every scenario and when we went to bed he was slow and tender and had a touch as light as feather. He led the sex as I wouldn’t dare not follow suit.

            Hrmmm! What’s this then….??? A first at my age! Nice sex? Sweet? An intimacy that I can’t explain! Love making!

            And for the first time in my life, when someone told me that they loved me…I believed it. I could feel a new love bursting from me and I wanted my every last day on earth to be his.

            Since him, ( last sex with him was Oct 2018) I have barely had sex.

            I don’t want nasty sex ever again and I tried leading my partner for it to be gentle sex and it just didn’t feel the same.

            My partner is beyond furious with me for my disregard for anything sexual. I am furious at myself for not being able to please him and I feel like screaming or crying everytime he starts hinting at sex or berating me for my lack of interest.

            My sex life has gone from one extreme to the other and so has my love. Or lack of either and both.

            I’m a sexless and loveless fool at the moment and try as I might, I have no interest in either.

            Having said that, if I could make love with my narc at this moment…I would not, but I’d want to. So I’m f*cked. Up down, left right, black white, no matter how I shade myself at the moment, I have no middle ground.

            I’ve hit a crossroads and I don’t think I want my life anymore in the way that it is. Nothing is satisfying to me. Absolutely nothing and I don’t know what I need or how to find what I need.

            On a brighter note, last night I tried something new in my head and I achieved a very welcome orgasm! It was absolutely unacceptable to have the thoughts that I did and it worked like a wrecking ball. So! I am going to play around with the new fantasy in my head for a few attempts and maybe it’ll be just enough to break the cycle of thinking about narc. Surely that can only be a positive thing for now!

            Now…did some fabulous person mention Tim Curry in a corset?

            Slap me silly if anyone could resist that f*cking freak in that outfit! I can’t pretend that anything about the transexual or transgender interests me in any way, shape or form…Tim Curry remains the exception! Well done Tim!

          6. STBS

            Lots to unpick here but that’s cool!

            “I can’t say for certain that she was encouraged to make that call with me, but my senses are going off the charts about it. I should never have taken that call.”

            Don’t beat yourself up lovely. I received a very strange Hoover the other day which in retrospect I shouldn’t have accepted. I did. It hurt. Spent the day in tears. However, in your case, do I sense that your contagion strand is coming online?

            Your dream and asking the Universe is also indicative that something is happening for you. That’s brilliant!

            “I have never been able to view love and sex in the same category. Thanks to childhood narc abuse (unbeknownst at the time of course) I have never been able to feel loved.”

            Snap. I could have written that.

            “My partner is beyond furious with me for my disregard for anything sexual.”

            That’s disturbing. It’s like being told to ‘calm
            down’, it never works.

            You know, I did something very similar to you. I know you haven’t done it voluntarily but I stopped all dating and sex for a good seven months. It was the very best thing I could’ve done for myself. I’m very happy to report I have been narc free (IPPS or IPSS) for over two years.

            Well done on your O btw. You see, things are changing! You are receiving messages and your drive is coming back.

            I’m recieving messaghes and not about me eityher. One was an incredibly importsant one that came via an Empath to me concerning my partners’ ex wife. On another occasion, I felt strongly compelled to message a third party and it turned out that I had supplied a very important bit of information regarding a woman who used to be in my coven and created all kinds of havoc. So that helped him.

            Oh before I close, you said you think you might confess the affair to a ‘friend’. DON’T! Never trust anyone with that kind of information. Please.

          7. Hi Renarde!

            Always lots to unpack. It’s the neverending unpacking of the stacked to the rafters.

            Yes, I’ll never know if she was encouraged to call me in the way that she did. I would never ask and she would never say, so I’m not stewing on it now. I had an instant and overwhelming sense immediately that it was the case but it’s a moot point.

            I had already previously decided to let our mutual friendships go and I broke my own decision as her phoning was just so out of character and incessant. I will just stay firm on completely removing all mutuals so I don’t feel twisted up over it again. I will never tell her.

            Yes the message I received was loud and crystal clear. I used to lucid dream an awful lot and this dream, although not lucid, was very strong and vivid.

            I read once that when the universe is trying to tell you something, that it WILL repeat itself until you listen.

            I heard it and I’m so thankful for it. He IS a narcissist and I need to stop my mind telling me that I might be wrong and just move on.

            And yes the sex thing, it’s like the more he goes on about it the more uncomfortable it makes it. Then it becomes awkward and forced.

            Why we still accept Hoover’s (if that’s what they are, absolutely probable that I’m paranoid) is beyond me. It’s as though the need to please others and not hurt them through silence is a challenge. To simply ignore old friends that I care for, is painful and makes me want to scream. I can’t stand to treat people that way. But it seems important to do what I need to do regardless.

            I guess all we can really do is learn to trust in ourselves and listen to the messages that we get given (without agenda) with thanks.

          8. STBS

            You’re not paranoid. It was a Hoover. But I can’t tell you why I know it for certain.

            Anyway, thing is, that trick can never be pulled again so hes shot his load there. Dick.

            You ok today?

          9. It is nothing to do with the universe. That is emotional thinking.

            Focus on the evidence. Apply logic. Utilise no contact. You will only be hoovered if you keep open the means by which you can be hoovered.

          10. HG

            As you know, I recieved a very tangential hoover this week. I thought it was relaying information about my children but it wasnt.

            It blind-sided me. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this but I do really despair at times.