Trying Behaviour



You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away.

No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us?

Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests.

There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television.

There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it.

Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it?

You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period.

You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction.

However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside.

No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

7 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour

  1. Petal says:

    I agree with all but this one part, “In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us.“

    Ultimately, anyone can be ensnared with the golden period, as it is about the situation the target is in, not just their disposition. However, as you have so eloquently illustrated, empaths are particularly attracted to narcissists and you know how to seek us out. But, there is an element to the golden period you are missing. The perception of love may be crafted by you, but it is given life by us. We not only believe in love, we know how to experience it, even if we have never been “in love” before. You are simply intensifying something we already carry within ourselves.

    Because of a world that tells us, from so early on, that we are too sensitive, too emotional and too excited we often grow up stifling our light. But shine it must so we feel elated when you sweep in to feed that fire. We look for permission after a lifetime of restriction; acceptance from those who punished us first as a child. But, that is changing.

    We are growing, evolving and healing. Those who have been in love with a “normal” person have born witness to a love that is more fulfilling than what the golden period could ever give. It is more full, present and exciting because extra energy isn’t expended hushing those instincts that tell us we are in danger. And it’s not because of the expert love bombing that keeps us doubting ourselves; it is a mix of the external techniques you employ – mainly deprivation of sleep, food and healthy relationships. You don’t *give* us that heady, whirly, magical state. You simply give us the chance that we don’t give to ourselves, accelerating it to your advantage.

    As we awaken to our ability, accepting rather than shaming our light, we learn to harness that power for ourselves and direct it toward those who are willing to honor it. When two empaths spiral into that golden period it is awe-inspiringly celestial, not just a fragmented dream. A golden period without our gold is just an impressive marketing pitch. You have much to learn from us, but first, we must learn from ourselves. You can trust – truly trust – that this is how we are rising.

    1. Kathleen says:

      Well stated Petal. Definitely hated tamping down my desire to express utmost joy and exhilaration- because the narc never “got” that or resented it? It was odd but one of the first feelings I had at discard was Exhilaration!! However then my emotional thinking got me twisted into deep sadness and anger etc for quite some time!
      Drinking at the wealth of knowledge here on HG’s site has definitely helped… In the early days I could not handle his direct message but now he’s pretty much the only message I listen to -maybe one or two others I read Occasionally.

  2. Kathleen says:

    Tried for over 3 years to get things “on track”. But it was like nailing jello to a wall. The narcissist is meanwhile going on their way.. tra la la… and we the empathic/normal are left stumbling along with arms outreached, grabbing for the narcissists coat tails flapping in the wind.
    HG captures the complexity of it, so many layers of manipulation and chess moves by the empath/ normal working to try to figure out what it is the narc really wants to get them to stabilize and become reliable and loving.
    I just pray that this is truly occurring with the new appliance as it was with me… That would make me happy to know I wish I could get a read on it… They (narc and new appliance) have now been entangled for two years – I just can’t imagine what day-to-day life is like… But then again I was involved for four years so?? Aargh

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The new appliance will be treated as you were. Do not preoccupy yourself with further thoughts about that Kathleen, I have just given you the answer and I am the expert. Banish this thought now from your mind as part of your no contact regime. If you want assistance in winning The Final Battle, do arrange a consultation with me and I will assist you.

      1. Kathleen says:

        Thank you HG,
        I may arrange another consult soon since I’ve been quite tempted to contact the narc -and still am too often wondering etc. ugh. I know to fully get on with my life I must banish it.

        1. HG Tudor says:


  3. FYC says:

    HG: If this excellent blog had existed a couple decades ago, I could have saved myself from my indefatigable tenacity, but alas, you were too young to be considering your legacy. In so many instances, this quality has helped me succeed, but in the case of Ns, it only adds frustration, sadness and disappointment. It is most wise of you to bring this to our attention. Those who fail to heed your warning (including me) will suffer the consequences and waste their time. No doubt about that. Better to see things as they are and let go.

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