Crumbs of Conversational Comfort
We are experts at providing crumbs of comfort. This is because it is a necessary form of manipulation which has to be utilised as part of plate-spinning activities. As a consequence of the differing fuel matrices which we create, we have a vested interest in keeping certain of our appliances ‘in the game’.
Remember, we like to conserve our energy so we have more available for the carrying out of our manipulations over different appliances and therefore at certain stages in the dynamic, we do not want to be forced to apply much or all of our energies towards one appliance, leaving us deficient in respect of the others. We want to keep several people in our fuel matrix because of the need for fuel and also with one eye on what is ahead of us.
When we first seduce our appliances we invariably treat them to a banquet., a feast, a sumptuous meal at Restaurant Narc. This is no drive-thru quicky, no fizzy water and sandwich grab from a street vendor, but a Bacchanalian indulgence of several courses with no expense spared as we cause you to gorge on our largesse, our charm and our illusion. Of course this feast will vary dependent on the type of appliance that we have invited to dine with us and in order of sumptuous extravagance, the pecking order is as follows:-
- Candidate IPSS
- Embedded IPSS
- Shelf IPSS
- Dirty Secret IPSS
- NISS (Colleague or Friend)
Familial NISSs are already seduced by reason of familial connection. If they have been pushed out into the cold and they must be brought back into the fold, they are treated as if they are a colleague or friend NSS. Tertiary Sources are given something delicious but quick to consume and it does not matter whether they want more or not, the main thing is that what they are given in the instant works for us.
Of those categories at 1-5, the common thread is that they are all treated to a delicious, enticing and magnificent feast which draws them in. It is all impressive and gets more and impressive as one climbs the rankings. This means that the recipients get used to the extent of this feast, how amazing it tastes, how delicious it feels to be at our table and becoming full on such wonderful treats and delicacies.
This is how we cultivate the addiction to us, by feeding you such sensational dishes that you keep wanting more. You become used to the sensation of being almost satiated, your senses brought to life by what we deliver and you want to keep dining with us forever and a day.
Of course these delicacies which we send your way give the appearance of being fulfilling but ultimately are not, but you do not notice and instead you want to keep tasting them and therefore once we decide that we no longer need to keep providing you with these feasts, we instead opt to give you the crumbs of comfort.
These are little reminders of what you once had, to get the tastebuds firing again, to cause the saliva to flow, to stimulate the memory of those amazing sensations so you want them all the more and with each crumb you are conned into thinking that it will lead a trail to the groaning table of scintillating tastes once more.
These crumbs of comfort are designed to keep you in the game, maintain your interest, stop you losing hope, ensure that you remain bound and loyal to us. Since they are crumbs, they are low maintenance for us, hardly taking any effort or energy at all, but since you are hooked on the taste from when we seduced you, once you allow one crumb to enter your mouth, the desire returns, the memories of delicious tastes and sensations loom large and you want more.
You are given another crumb, then another, just enough to keep you from looking elsewhere and just enough to ensure you remain interested in us.
The rise of technology has really caused the conversational comfort crumbs to come into their own. Whilst they can be offered on the telephone or in person, that tends to result in the narcissist being placed under more pressure and their control is eroded to some extent. Instead, most comfort crumbs will be provided through text message, through e-mail or social media message.
This allows the narcissist to retain control, compose an appropriate message and it is easier to sneak out a comfort crumb via text than speak with the relevant appliance in certain scenarios.
How then might these comfort crumbs operate with the five categories of appliance detailed above?
NISS (Colleague/Friend)
The comfort crumbs for this category do not need to be used extensively because the level of expectation is not as high. The colleague or friend will only engage with the narcissist periodically and therefore if the narcissist perceives there is a risk that the relevant NISS is drifting, he can throw out a few conversational crumbs and shortly thereafter deliver the ‘meal’ again.
Delivery of this meal – namely time with the narcissist – is not a major expenditure of energy since it may just be an evening every month or so, the NISS does not make extensive demands and therefore all the narcissist needs to do is send a message such as
“Not caught up for a while – let’s have lunch next week.”
“Hey, not heard from you in a while, how do you fancy a game of squash a week on Thursday”
“How are you doing? We need to catch up over drinks. Pretty bombed until the 25th, how does that suit you. 7pm yes?”
“We haven’t talked about your promotion prospects recently. Let’s have a breakfast meeting beginning of next month. Please arrange with my secretary.”
“We should look at new marketing opportunities. How about we do so over lunch in a fortnight?”
Note there is the fixing of the ‘meal’ in the future and this crumb of comfort, letting the appliance know the narcissist still values them. This crumb will draw a fuelled response, keep the appliance interested and the narcissist does not have to expend much energy through the crumb nor the eventual ‘meal’.
Dirty Secret IPSS
The Dirty Secret may be content to hold this position or may be content for the time being with an expectancy of being brought forward in the narcissist’s world, to meet friends, be seen with the narcissist in public, meet family and so forth.
The DS IPSS provides frequent bursts of fuel through clandestine meetings with the narcissist and therefore the narcissist will find maintenance of this element of the fuel matrix reasonably easy because it is a short-notice demand to meet at a hotel, in a car park, in a bar and the time involved will not be extensive.
Nevertheless, if the narcissist is occupied with other appliances in his fuel matrix (usually the IPPS but possibly an IPSS and NISSs) and is not able to meet up with the Dirty Secret he does not want them going off the boil and therefore he will ensure that she is kept interested with comfort crumbs.
“Last time was amazing, I don’t know how you do it, cannot wait for the next time.”
“We have to meet soon, I am going crazy without you.”
“When we next meet I am going to treat you to an afternoon at that new hotel we were speaking about.”
“Things are hectic at the moment, but I am trying to get things boxed off so we can have at last an overnight stay together, just as I promised.”
Note how we are enthusiastic about the Dirty Secret, praising them, stating how they deserve to be treated well or given more time, but there is no commitment to when this will happen. This is because the demands of the DS are greater than the NISS and given that infidelity is taking place, the ability to commit is not as clear. The comfort crumbs will be thrown around more liberally to entice the DS but there will not be a commitment.
Shelf IPSS
It is this category of appliance which suffers the most with regards to the provision of these conversational comfort crumbs. This is because the Shelf IPSS is picked up and put down, is regarded largely in a favourable light with an extended golden period, is not often devalued (and if so it is a short lived Corrective Devaluation) and the narcissist has made a significant investment in this person and wants the return on that investment.
The narcissist does not want to lose the IPSS and have to find another but when the narcissist is spending time with a different IPSS or is engaged in spending time with the IPPS (be that devaluation or more likely a Respite Period) the relevant IPSS will be placed on the shelf. Predictably, this person will be wanting to know when they can see the narcissist when they are next getting together. They may know about the IPPS but be concerned that the narcissist is spending time with the IPPS.
Note that these comfort crumbs are not used when the narcissist is first seducing this person to make them an IPSS but they are used when the IPSS is placed on the shelf and is angling to see more of the narcissist. The narcissist will use a vast array of conversational comfort crumbs with the IPSS – some will use charm, some seek sympathy or pity, other seeks understanding and others threaten. Examples will include
“Really busy at work at present, but I will call as soon as I am free.”
“Tied up with the children, so will be in touch tomorrow.”
“Schedule is packed for the next ten days,. I am dying to see you but we will just have to be patient.”
“I will tell her but now is not the right time, her father is ill and this has to be done properly, I know you will agree because you are understanding and I thank you for that.”
“I just need to get these next few weeks out of the way and then we can be together. There is no point in rushing it and causing more trouble than necessary is there?”
“I cannot make it tonight. I have to go to this family dinner. I wish you were coming with me though.”
“Look, there is no point getting worked up about this now, I am in the middle of a huge deal. I cannot talk. I have told you this and why are you risking fucking it all up? I said I will sort it and I will, but you have to give me time.”
“When I get through this period we will have a weekend away. I promise. You know it is you that I want, but I need to know I can count on you at this difficult time.”
“You know I have always delivered and the one time where I am under pressure, you start adding to it. I did not think you were like that. Look, I will check my schedule and make some time for us. Let me do that and we can have a good talk when we see one another.”
“Every night I lie there thinking about you and when we can finally be together.”
“I cannot wait for the time I come home and find you there waiting for me. I know we will make it happen together.”
“If you tell her about us, I will never speak to you again and you and only you will bring down this wonderful thing that you and I have together. Please do not do that, you will destroy me and destroy the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Once again these comfort crumbs come with no set time for delivery, no firm and definite time periods but they are designed to keep the IPSS hanging on. There are thousands of different ways that they are phrased and it is the IPSS who finds themselves in the role of Permanently In Waiting, kept interested from these crumbs but never finding their way to the table again, either at all or for some time.
Sometimes there might be a pile of crumbs provided whereby the narcissist engages in a telephone call or skype call instead of meeting up. This will be used to maintain interest, gain fuel and exert control.
The comfort crumb is used as a benign method of control because the narcissist does not want to use harsh and malign methods of asserting control for fear of losing a valuable appliance.
The Embedded IPPS
The comfort crumbs operate in a different way with the embedded IPPS. None of course are needed during their seduction or their embedded stage of the golden period. They will see plenty of the narcissist then.
The comfort crumbs will be doled out during the devaluation of the IPPS for the purposes of keeping them in place so that more negative fuel can be extracted whilst the narcissist works on prospective Candidate IPSSs (either finding them or seducing them).
It is likely (although not always the case) that the IPPS will live with the narcissist and therefore the comfort crumbs will be linked to finding a way to sort things out, achieving a resolution and such like.
“I think we need to sit down and talk things through when things are less hectic.”
“We can sort this mess out. I am determined to do so, but it has to be done at the right time.”
“I just want things to be the way they were.”
“I want us to resolve these problems, but there are too many distractions at the moment. Let me know when we can do this.”
“I will talk to you about our problems but now is not a good time. You know how busy I am with work.”
“We have to see what can be done, but you need to make some changes first for me to see before I can consider how me move forward.”
Again these are vague and amorphous and are designed to be. There is no true intent to resolve the issues but instead these comfort crumbs are provided to enable the victim to think that resolution (something an empathic person relies on and hopes for) is achievable and that the golden period can be returned to.
The Candidate IPSS
The Candidate IPSS is not given comfort crumbs because this appliance is in the ascendancy towards being crowned as IPPS and therefore they will be subjected to the bombardment that is love-bombing.
What have been your crumbs of comfort from the narcissist you entangled with?
10 thoughts on “Crumbs of Conversational Comfort”
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My comfort crumbs are now a cup of coffee ☕️ via messenger. 20 mins or so most days. The devaluation from lovebombing the heck out of me for months to now a cup a coffee. It hurt when it was happening, but now I don’t care. I see my self as single, free and clear. If a Narc wants a cup of coffee while I’m on my computer in the a.m. who cares. I don’t care if he drops in or not anymore.
I get comfort crumbs of the Narc dropping in on messenger to have coffee for 20 mins most days. After lovebombing the crap out of me for months.
I’m devalued to a cup of coffee.
I don’t care anymore. I consider the Narc gone and me free and single. A cup of coffee or not, who cares ☕️
Cogra 002. Who cares? You do or you would not engage or leave the coffee shop open
I’ve had a bunch, but the worst was an ailment he was waiting to see a doctor about that was “occupying his headspace”. I thought the ailment might have been invented, as it surfaced when I was distancing myself during his increased periods of silence. But when I expressed concern and asked questions, he didn’t answer me. Guess he was just buying more time.
For eight years we dated. Or whatever you would want to call it. He gave me a ring he had our initials engraved in it. Told me he wanted to have some kind of future with me. That is exactly what he said in those words. When the devalue came he acted as if I didn’t even exist.
HG, I wonder, like many others why does your Golden Period with the Shieldmaiden is so long? Is it because she is indeed a perfect partner or is it because you are more self aware because of therapy and you learned to accept flaws in other people?
Is it possible you didn’t have one single argument with her (and as I know it often triggers devaluation) or is it possible she never criticise you and always agrees with you?
Or maybe you are no longer “in love” like in the beginning but you are intelligent and know how to control fury and you just decided not to devalue her right now because still she is the best option you have at the moment do its more a callculation on your side?
Are you totally loyal to her right now meaning you dont even “innocently” flirt with other women or does she accept it knowing its nothing dangerous because you love her?
It is not “so long”.
Yes I know you mantioned you’ve had golden period that lasted 2 years in the past. For me it is unbelievieble, it is impossible not to argue during 2 years especially with a narcissist and as I know and experienced myself arguments trigger devaluation.
But probably it depends on the character of your partners. I am quite confrontional, just like to have different opinion during conversation, I like to question things and not to believe everything I see. Of course I do it without agression and “normal” people don’t have any problems with it. But when I feel my boundaries are bring crossed or someone tries to manipulate me I will call them out on this and defend myself. This is probably the reason my golden period with narcissist lasted for about 2 months. And looking back it was long, because I was questioning his motives and ideas from the first date. Even when he was smearing his ex to me I was defending the ex and looking for holes in his story. I used to say “it seems you dont have any respect for your ex wife. I dont like it. After all she was your wife, you have a child, things you are saying are quite disgusting”. Yes, I imagine this was not something he expected.
My “crumbs” were constant promises of upcoming trips to the beach or motorcycle rides he wanted to take me on during Hoovering. I am certain he was sincere but I never took him up on the offer. While we were in relationship (6 years total) he would future fake often about me moving in and decorating “anyway you want” or “When we are married…” I just rolled my eyes the last year of hearing all that BS.
For all the duration of my relationship with the Narc I was been fed with crumbs. The excuse he used the most was he was always busy with the work (note he hadn”t a job, he occasionally used to write articles for newspapers and replaced teachers in university if they were not available). Before learning about the narcissism I thought he was addicted to work. At the end I found the truth in your work: I was on the shelf, alongside me there were several women all fed with the same crumbs. I think he knew what he is, because when I asked about narcissism (without saying I deemed him one of its kind) he deflected the discussion or stopped writing at all.