Why Can’t They See It Too? The Narcissist’s Façade At Work

WHY CAN´T THEY SEE IT TOO? THE NARCISSIT´S FACADE AT WORK

“Okay,” you announce as you turn to the small group of like-minded individuals stood with you, “he will be here any minute.” The members of the group nod. You had hoped there would be more of you, ready and willing to protest, to point out to other people just what I am like.

When you approached people to gather their support there was a mixture of reactions. A handful immediately agreed and they were vocal and enthusiastic in their support. Others explained that they had other things to do on this day and would not be able to participate in the protest. You emphasised the importance of the protest not only to you but in sending out a message to the others who would be watching but they were unmoved.

The apologies seemed genuine as they explained how they had an existing engagement or they could not let somebody else down. There was also a group of people who agreed but come the day of the protest they were nowhere to be seen. Still, there are five of you and with a concerted effort you should be able to make sufficient noise to attract my attention. The banners and placards should get the message across as well. You have secured an excellent vantage point which means as my car pulls up outside this prestigious building I will have no option but to walk past you and your small band of supporters.

There is a nervous excitement in your stomach as you contemplate at long last being able to give me a dose of the truth and also to let the wider world know that I am not the wonderful person I pretend to be but someone altogether more despicable and darker. You have managed to attract the interest of a couple of local news channels who are setup nearby, cameramen and reporters clustered together waiting to cover the event.

You promised them revelations about a prominent business man and you cannot wait to see the reactions when you reveal the truth. For too long you have suffered at my mouth and hands and now it is time for some justice. You heft the placard in your hand which has “Serial Abuser” daubed on it in large letters. A banner has been draped across the wall. It is a professional-looking banner which declares – “Abuser Alcoholic Adulterer Aggressor”.

You glance at the other placards held by your supporters which detail a range of truths about me which will no doubt infuriate me when I see them and realise they are being broadcast to a wider audience. As you are checking over these placards you notice that a lot of people are streaming into the square. There were some passers-by as there usually are along with people sitting down for lunch on a bench but there are far more people now striding across the square and they are doing so purposefully as they head towards where you are.

“Who are this lot?” you ask. Your supporters turn to see the many people who are now streaming into the square. You notice that they are carrying their own banners and placards.

“It looks like we’ve attracted some additional support,” says one of your friends.

“Excellent,” you smile, “it looks like word has spread.”

“Hey look, there’s Angela, she has decided to come after all,” adds another friend.

“Yes and Tina and Paula. In fact, there’s quite a few of them who said they were busy have turned up. Fantastic!” another friend remarks.

You call out to Angela, waving at her. She turns her head in your direction but rather than the warm smile and enthusiastic return wave you were expecting she shoots you a haughty look and turns away. You halt waving, arm still in the air, puzzled by her reaction. You see Angela nudge Tina who also turns your way and she aggressively pushes the placard she is carrying up and down. You see the word “Hero” written on it Paula’s placard is also then displayed with the words “Golden Boy”.

“What’s going on?” asks a friend nervously. You watch as the group who you thought were friends that you can rely on take up position a little distance away from you. You contemplate going to speak to them but they are soon obscured by the other people who have flooded into the square. You recognise a few faces, some are friends of mine, others are colleagues of mine you have met once or twice and they all carry placards, signs and banners. You feel a sense of dread creeping over you as you look at the writing on them,

“A true gent”

“Generous donor”

“A brilliant friend”

“Amazing lover”

“Pillar of the community”

“Loving son”

“Marvellous brother”

Compliments. A sea of painted and printed compliments that are now being waved in the air as you find you are surrounded by scores of my supporters. You see the television crews panning their cameras across the crowd of eager and enthusiastic people who are chanting my name.

“What is going on?” you wonder aloud. You try to fight down the spreading sensation of anxiety, drawing on the determination which caused you to come here ready to unmask me.

“We need to make ourselves heard,” you announce and turn to rally your supporters only to find they have gone.

“What?” you say to nobody in particular. The placards decrying me lie on the floor and you look around trying to spot your friends who were stood there just a moment ago ready to protest and show me for what I really am. You see one of your friends across the way and you try to push through the mass of people but it is no use. Your mouth falls open as you see your friend now enthusiastically waving a placard which reads “I love you”.

Fuming you turn back to the wall to find a man tugging at your banner.

“Hey, leave that!” you shout at him.

“What did you say?” he asks aggressively.

“I said to leave that banner.”

You push your way to him and try to remove his hands from the banner.

“This is coming down,” he says, “such awful things to say about a great person.”

“What are you talking about?” you say.

“This,” he jabs a finger at the banner, “all lies.”

“No they are not, believe me I know exactly what he is like.”

“Hold on a moment, you are that psycho who has been stalking him aren’t you?” asks the man as a moment of realisation washes over him.

“Me a psycho? Is that what he has been saying about me? That isn’t a surprise. He is the psycho, do you know what that man has done to me? He has put me through hell.”

“Ridiculous. It is just jealousy on your part. You were nobody before he came along and he gave you so much only for you to be cheat on him. You should be ashamed of yourself you whore!” spits the man.

“More lies!” you shout back, but he is not listening as a huge roar erupts from the crowd. You forget about the banner and instead you lean across the wall vigorously waving your placard as my car sweeps into view. The car stops and two black-suited men leap out, wearing sunglasses and they sweep their gaze around the crowd before I get out of the car, immaculately attired, waving at the assembled throng with a broad smile across my face. The cameras swing round and focus on me as my name is chanted in unison. You do your best to make yourself heard, screaming the truths about my real nature as loud as you can but it is to no avail as the chanting of the zealous and appreciative crowd drowns you out. Your frustration mounts as you watch me soaking up the adulation. I walk towards the crowd, flanked by the two men who continue to scrutinise the sea of smiling faces. Hands are thrust out, eager to touch me and I shake hands with people, acknowledging these well-wishers, moving along the crowd until I reach you. I halt and look at you and unleash that brilliant smile, my eyes lighting up, just the way they did all that time ago.

“Hello, how good of you to come, so lovely to see you here,” I say.

“I’m here to let the world know what a bastard you are!” you shoot back.

“Hey, there’s no need to be like that,” admonishes a lady to your right.

Before you can speak I put up a hand and reply,

“It’s okay, this is Victoria, we know one another, I made her life hell.”

“See?” you announce, “at last he is admitting what he has done. That is why I hate him.”

“You hate him because he made your life swell?” asks the lady in a confused voice.

“No, he said he made my life hell, he did, he was awful to me. Tell her, tell her what you did,” you insist. I continue to smile and turn to the other woman.

“It is true, I shoved her, I would beat her, I insulted her and caused her harm,” I say.

“At last, at last, finally,” you announce with a joyous look on your face.

“Yes well, I would look happy too if he said that to me, you lucky lady,” continues the lady next to you.

“Sorry?”

“He said ‘I loved her, I would treat her, I insulated her from harm’ he is such a good man. I wish he were mine.”

“No, you are not listening properly, he did not say those things at all,” you protest.

“This man is a monster. He made my life a misery and he still tries to do that. Don’t you?”

“I make your life unbearable,” I confirm.

“See?”

“He said he makes your life unbeatable,” chimes in a man from behind you, “Lady, I don’t know what your problem is but we are here to thank this wonderful man for being part of our lives, you need to take a hike.”

“Yes, clear off, we don’t need troublemakers like you,” adds another voice. One of the black-suited men wrenches the placard from your hands and snaps it over his knees as you feel yourself being pulled and jostled. You are hauled backwards as the crowd surges and closes the gap where you once were stood. You can see me grinning and waving at you, eyes glinting in delight until I have disappeared from view and you fall backwards onto the hard stone of the square, expelled by the crowd. You feel the tears of anger and frustration along with that familiar sensation of despair as you lie on your back breathing heavily.

“Come on, up you come,” says a voice. A hand takes yours and you are pulled to your feet by an old man who is surprisingly strong given his advanced years. He guides you to one of the benches away from the crowd and its raucous support.

He lowers you to the bench as you wipe away the tears.

“Thank you.”

“Quite alright.”

“Why don’t they see him for what he is? I don’t understand.”

“Ahh, such is the problem when you run into a demagogue,” sighs the old man, “I am afraid you did not stand a chance. Do you think this lot just turned up on spec? Not at all. This mob has been recruited and fashioned for months now. He has been sowing his charm all around and you have to admit he is charming; you fell for it yourself didn’t you?”

You nod slowly.

“So is it any wonder all these people did as well. You are sharp, independent and intelligent and you were taken in. Some of these people cannot see further than their own noses.”

“But I saw my friends supporting him, even my brother as well, why would they do that when they know how badly he has been treating me?”

“Oh he is clever alright. Your brother gets business from him so he is not going to pour scorn on that, not with the economy being the way it is. Your friends? Well, they are not really your friends are they? Two of them have designs on him themselves and couldn’t wait for you to be cast aside. The others all think he is wonderful because that is all they have ever seen and when they are fed such a daily diet they tend to end up believing it.”

“But I told them what he did, I showed them the nasty messages.”

“I know, but he got in first. He told them about your temper and your ability to fly off the handle and of course they have all seen that at some point, so it added up for them. He is very persuasive.”

“I know, but how did he get so many people to support him, look at them,” you wave an arm in the direction of the crowd.

“People like success and they want to be associated with it. Many of them don’t like to think for themselves or get embroiled in aggravation, so it is easier just to bleat like a sheep and follow the crowd. He knows this and he has done this many, many times. You did not stand a chance.”

“But it isn’t fair. I mean, he was actually telling this woman in the crowd what he had done and she twisted it so it sounded like he was saying good things about me.”

“Indeed, he is an expert at twisting the truth so you seem like a crazy person and he remains the golden one.”

“I know, I just wish people would listen and see it.”

“They won’t or only a few will. He invests a lot of effort in cultivating his façade of respectability so that it is near impregnable and he uses this to crush you when you think you might be able to expose him for what he is, as you have seen today. You met the façade and it drowned you out, sucked away your supporters and spat you out.”

“Excuse me for asking, but how do you know all this?” you ask curious as to who this helpful stranger is.

“You aren’t the only one who has seen through him you know? I did too and it got me where you are now.”

“You know him?”

“Oh absolutely, not that he has much to do with me, save when it suits him to turn the mob against me when all I have tried to do is help. Talking of which, we need to leave, he will be going inside soon and then his supporters will be looking to exercise the power of the mob and we don’t want to be still sitting here when that happens.”

“Can’t we challenge them, persuade them, show them what he is like. Now there are two of us, they might listen?”

“They don’t want to know. It is easier for them that way. That is why they cannot see it. The result of a blindness and unwillingness created by his manipulations and their innate failings. Come on, it is time to go.”

And go you should.

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36 Comments

  1. Narc are good actors . They do what works in public the act like sweet people when it comes to people that “matter”

      1. He switches it on and off once the “goal”person is out of range . He will say he’s a dick , an asshole , under his breathe . HG , does it drain the energy so that there is nothing left but television and sleep for a greater ? Or just a mid-ranger. HG , you seem to never sleep ?

        1. I do sleep, but I do not sleep for long. I find sleep gets in the way, but it is necessary. Fortunately, I do not need a lot of it.

          1. HG , if an empath is with a regular or normal person they still may want sex often ? But , are you saying only another Narc will perform the sex acts that an empath gets into or obsessed with ?

          2. Yes. It is an important part of the relationship but only one factor of many. Those people do not have sex to control and gain fuel. They do so for pleasure, intimacy and closeness. They can achieve those three things in other ways through different aspects of their relationship. We use sex for the reasons explained in the book Sex and it is hugely effective and efficient at securing what we want and need.

          3. Basically our lives are to be filled with five minutes of sex Molly. That is the Cliff’s note on the matter. That is only after you complete HG’s 24 month abstinence program—the hope is that we get so desperate we think five minutes of missionary style shenanigans is great. It’s like getting 2 ounces of water after walking 29 miles. You keep wanting more because five minutes is a tease and HG is hoping to condition our minds in this way so we quit bugging the shit out of him when we get our feelings hurt by assholes. I’ve been here long enough to come to this conclusion.
            It’s like baked chicken when you want KFC. We forever remain on a diet unless you get adventurous enough to say F*^% this and don’t tell anyone. God don’t tell anyone. Then it’s like a Betty Ford relapse.

          4. Oh ok—maybe 10 minutes with a dreamy eyed man after a date at Applebee’s! Or even better—after we hold hands and watch the children make play doh sculptures. And if it’s really exciting maybe, just maybe we have to hold it down! Wouldn’t want to wake up Fido.

          5. So an intimate engagement with an N causes us be more ‘into’ sex? Just for clarity, is that what you mean?

            So if an empath hasn’t ever been ensnared they wouldn’t have that same sexual desire because it all goes hand in hand with the addiction.

            Therefore if an E is sexually abused as a child compared to a normal it will likely have a different outcome for how that affects them sexually as an adult?

          6. It means you will have more sex because that is what the narcissist (not all though) will want and provide.

          7. Hg …? Not a mid ranger ? They don’t want or provide more sex ? And if a narc is spreading it (Sex)out amongst others , We (empaths)end up with less sex .

          8. Alexis—read my Cliff note above. No one has sex here that is worth having. You are in hell. Normal men are worth five minutes and if the romp is more substantial it’s sheer luck and you are never getting your hair yanked on either way. He actually said normal people have sex for three reasons and there are other ways of achieving the three reasons. HG—you can F off on your lame sex program. I’ll die before I skip
            hand in hand down a paved path with a man that sucks in bed. Yippee—maybe we can use an air fryer together for fun!

          9. Ha—I’ve never had sex in my life to feel
            spiritual like “connected”—I can’t be the only morally corrupt whore in this place. Hold hands my ass. Make me vomit.

          10. Yes you did, you had sex on catalogues so you felt connected to your true love – retail.

          11. Doubtful. Quit telling people to live like nuns. You say a wholesale change is impossible. I’ll second that in regard to our narcissistic traits. I’ll never come whining about some asswipe making me upset—they don’t because they could F off before they got in the door.

          12. 1. I have never told anybody to live like a nun.
            2. You cannot alter your narcissistic traits, (nor your empathic ones) as I have repeatedly explained.

          13. hahahaha good sex is an absolute must Lorelei. Please don’t poison any more dogs though

          14. I am pretty level headed when it comes to sex, translation: oblivious. But when I was briefly ensnared by a Lesser Somatic (not my usual type but I was lonely) all I thought about was sex and fucking and looking good and I walked with my head up and men noticed me more–or at least I noticed them noticing. I thought about sex constantly b/c I was constantly thinking about him.

            Now that he is so far out of my life, I have returned to a state of normalcy. Not everything is sexual like it felt then. When he was in contact with me, I thought about him constantly and it was very distracting. It kept me from accomplishing things.

            Now, being more balanced, it is not as exciting but also I don’t feel any hurt or longing. I also get more done, thankfully.

            The interesting thing is that I don’t speak about the somatic Lesser as much as I do the Elite Mid Ranger, who was a gay guy who praised my talent/creativity/intellect. It just shows where my priorities fall. When he took that away I felt my identity stripped.

            Sex is not ‘that important’ to me, unless it is a somatic seducing me, where I literally felt I was under a spell. I’d rather have someone understand me and respect me intellectually.

            I hope I am still an empath for admitting this.

  2. I just experienced this, complete with my protests to the correct “authorities.”

    And I went as I should, though not as soon as I should have.

    Note to Self: You knew better than to trust HR. You knew that they are either complicit or incompetent or both. Do not go to HR ever again. Stay off their radar.

  3. Holy guacamole, I dodged a bullet.

    He was doing a pretty good job gaslighting me even without everyone taking his side. My co-workers saw through him long before I did.

    If that’s how much he could damage me just in an office flirtation, can you imagine what he could have done to me had we really got involved? What if I’d been deliberately cut off from people who could have told me, “No, you’re not imagining things, this is really happening”?

  4. Of all of HGs work, this is the article that has had the greatest impact on my life. This is the article along with others posted surrounding this article that saved me. It truly felt as if it was written just for me during a time that I was in the depths of despair.

    During this time I was going through a malign campaign and had just lost my job when I tried to fight back and defend myself. I had been visiting another site on narcissism. There were a lot of collaborators and some good information to get me started, but it was mostly memes about narcissism. Mostly what it did was trigger my emotional thinking and landed me without a job. HG had just posted this article and it was shared on this site, which led me to HGs blog site. After that I never felt the need to return to the other site.

    I read for days and nights without sleeping. On the second night I had to force myself to go to bed. It finally made sense. The most surprising part is that it triggered my childhood memories and explained what had eluded me in coming to terms with my childhood. I cried for days. It was very cathartic.

    The day that I discovered this article I had to go in to town to run some errands. As I passed a flooded field a white egret and blue heron took tandem flight alongside my car and time slowed down (I nearly ran my car into the ditch). That is how it feels since I have discovered HG….my emotional thinking has slowed down. I will never be able to look at a white egret or blue heron again without thinking of HG (everpresence for you).

    Also during this time HG was posting letters to the narcissist. I still think about that night in August. It had been unseasonably cool and rainy for the summer. As I gazed upon the half moon I had my own dialogue with every narcissist that I was ensnared by. It was very cathartic. The last narcissist in my life used to ask me if I dreamed of us. I still dream, but not of us. I dream of my cabin in the woods. I dream of the all terrain vehicle that will get me there. I dream of dancing through the woods in the rain. I dream my moon is full.

    Thank you HG for posting this article months ago. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for extending that hand to help me back up.

    1. Beautiful post, GH. I enjoyed it very much. It’s wonderful to read about your journey to freedom. HG is heaven sent. I am convinced.

    2. Gypsy Heart,
      That was beautiful and I’m so happy that HG and his work helped you get through a very difficult time. I find it interesting that it was a white egret and blue heron that will remind you of HG. You see GH this isn’t the first time someone has associated HG with a bird, I remember a peacock and also a rooster I believe in reference to HG! Lol.
      Good luck to you Gypsy heart in your bright beautiful new future! 😘💞

  5. It is just like the other narcissist dynamics where many are more than willing to excuse bad bahaviour or simply overlook it.

    I recall telling a coworker about my frustration with regards to a Mid Ranger coworker and this other coworker made excuses for him. When I said that Mid Ranger is condescending that he doesn’t ever seem to respect women intellectually (a point that was backed up by another male coworker), this coworker said, ‘Why does everything have to be a man/woman issue?’

    He is a nice guy but a simpleton. He idolizes the Mid Ranger, which is the only reason the Mid Ranger even talks to him. The Mid Ranger resents anyone who does not admire him. When I started my job, he was very complimentary and in retrospect his flattery came off as more patronizing. (I also was in more of a position then where I would go to him to ask questions.)

    Now I mostly get present silent treatments and I’m sure he is convinced I am envious of him for something. If I didn’t know about NPD I would be wondering what I had done. Honestly, the only thing in my mind I can think that I have ‘done’ is not show admiration for him.

    1. Hi Bibi—I’ve learned that silent treatments are a deal breaker and maybe (for now) the more substantial red flag for some people. It’s so distasteful to me that an emotional F you is immediately conjured up.

        1. Bibi—I recall a discussion on here about Bradley Cooper awhile back. HG states he is a narcissist and Mr. Cooper’s ex gave a statement that I found online. It wasn’t anything to do with what he did—it was the clarity in how he made her feel. It was a dead ringer! I still think he is highly alluring of course from a physical aspect—but it was really just the description of his impact on her that was interesting.

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