Down

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It is only ever a question of time before you go down. If you are one of the lucky ones, you may just reach the anniversary of a year since when I wrapped my tendrils around you and pulled you into my world. For others the marker of a year is but a distant dream as they find themselves cast down from their pedestal after a number of months. I know you all find it so troubling and upsetting that one day you are treated like a queen and the next you are regarded as a peasant but that is the nature of this beast.

It has always been the case for as long as I can remember and unless the next one lives up to expectations and delivers as they really ought to, then it will continue to be the case. I really would prefer that it was not the case. I know you think that I am some kind of monster for revelling in causing you such pain. I recognise that you are staggered that anybody could behave in what you regard as such an inhuman fashion by meting out physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse but as is so often the case you are too caught up in your own feelings to actually understand why we do as we do.

I do not revel in the act of making you cry by calling you all manner of names and shouting at you. I do not take vast pleasure in saying who you can socialise with and marshalling your finances as if they are my own. The vast variety of manipulative machinations which I produce from my devil’s toolkit are not the source of my pleasure.

Yes, I will admit that I derive satisfaction from exerting such control and power over you, but it is not a huge amount of satisfaction. Why is that? It is for the simple reason that I am superior to you. I am entitled to take such steps and act in this way. It is a given. Accordingly, by behaving in this manner I am simply doing that which is expected of me and that is my right. Thus I am not able to derive huge amounts of pleasure from it. It is not the act which gives me the pleasure but it is your reaction to it.

Your heightened emotional reaction combined with the attention that you give me are the reasons why I must cast you down. I know that you hope that this can be avoided and you believe that there is another way. I know you tried to keep me happy by doing everything you could as best you could in the manner that you thought would meet with approval but you always failed in some way. I know my opinion chops and changes form day to day and from hour to hour.

But that is the way that I am and you availed yourself of my brilliance so now you must endure this part of my nature. I see no reason to change. Why should I alter from being who I am just because you cannot cope with it? Give way, yield and allow someone else the opportunity to fill your shoes and address matters. Have you considered that the reason you were cast into the dirt was because you just were not good enough? Oh I know you tried.

You told me often enough. By God I tired of hearing you whine and moan about how much you do for me and I have no time for such jealousy. That is what it is. You have been exposed to my brilliance and you wanted it for so long. You enjoyed being admitted to my world with all that such admission entailed but then you failed to show the requisite appreciation and respect. I knew what was behind it. You wanted what I had for yourself but that is impossible. I am used to people wanting to claim what is mine as their own.

It is a hazard of being a leader, a pioneer and a person that others look up to. I expect it of the minions that I must interact with, the knee benders, the elbow people and hand-wringers. I can see it in their eyes as they kiss my pinkie ring. They want to be me but they cannot. I am cut from a different and far superior cloth and the best that they can ever hope for is to be included in my court and experience my reflected glory. I expected such petty envy from them but not from you.

You were meant to be different but as so often been the case you proved that you were little better than them. Yes, you showed me some service in the provision of the fuel that I require but as ever it was short-lived and that is why I had to cast you down. You brought it on yourself. You signed your own death warrant and that was why you had to go down. Could I have chosen a different method and allowed you to walk away? No, not at all.

What you must understand is that you feasted at my table. You gorged on my love, you drank deep of my generosity and you clothed yourself in all the appreciation, desire, passion, attention and dedication that I provided to you. I gave all of this in order to receive from you but you still benefitted from it on a massive scale.

Having taken you must pay for it and if you failed to do so in the manner I have decreed then there is no hope for it other than for you to pay with your sanity and your self-esteem. That currency, along with your emotional outpourings became acceptable methods of repaying what I have provided to you. It is not permissible for you to leave with paying. In fact, on your way down, it is not permissible to leave. At all.

21 thoughts on “Down

  1. Lamb says:

    HG,

    Then why doesn’t he just leave ? I’ve been through this a dozen times before, and each time told him to get out if he wasn’t happy or if he wanted to mess around with some OW.
    I know he’s afraid to be alone, but for God sakes he’s had decades to find himself a new IPPS . Now he’s growing older, and isn’t as attractive as he used to be, not as easy to hook someone ( decent) else in.

    1. Lamb- he doesn’t leave you because you’re meeting his prime aims, provision of fuel, residual benefits and character traits. Some narcs do stay with their IPPS forever, they are an anchor type. I forget the article but I’m sure if you google narcsite and anchor or nomadic (another type) you’ll find what you’re looking for

      1. Lamb says:

        Alexis,

        Thank you. I’m going to look those articles up. Somehow this time feels different to me. He’s been much more vicious than times past. I’m not sure if it’s because of his narcissism, or substance-abuse problem, or the fact that he is getting older, “an aging narcissist“.
        Because it feels different this time, that’s why I have not yet confronted him about his DLS, I am trying to be fully prepared before that confrontation happens.

        1. Do you need to confirm him? Ultimately it won’t change anything and will only make things harder for you? If you plan to stay more stress, if you plan to leave read escape xxx confronting won’t help x

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Lamb
          Have you confronted him before about other women?

          1. Lamb says:

            Alexis,
            I do need to eventually confront him. I can’t turn a blind eye to it , it’s just the way I am . I see a problem and like to resolve it quickly, not ignore it and hope it goes away. My narc however is a passive aggressive conflict avoider.
            I read that article here . Anchor fits me , except he’s never left in all these years , nor threatened to. I have on the other hand told him plenty of times if he wasn’t happy he knows where the door is. He knows me well enough that if he ever walks through that door, it will be double bolted. No exchanges, no returns. When I’m done , I’m done. I would never want to see or speak to him again, and he knows it.

            Narc Angel,

            Yes, I have confronted him in the past , and he promptly threw OW under the bus. I told him if he wanted to leave, if he loved her like she said he did then he should GO. I will never let him think I’m afraid of him leaving. I will never let him think I will compete with another woman for his affection.
            Although THIS TIME, because he expressed he wasn’t happy in the marriage anymore, I’ve been what he sees as trying to please him. Knowing his substance abuse is a huge problem and his behavior I cannot tell if it’s the narcissism or the messed up brain from substance abuse. I’m just trying to keep an even keel here.
            I found out about this OW rearing her head again, and realised he’s painted me black because she’s back AGAIN.
            I knew it . Every Time he starts behaving this way it’s usually because he’s talking to some Whore behind my back, and I told him that. Of course he denied it , and I’m playing stupid while I get stronger and gather more evidence.
            Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place . Hope that makes sense.

            Also, the third party source who tells what’s going on indicates he has not seen in person the OW , it’s all by phone and email. Same with the last OW , no sex. I had always chalked it up to pure fantasy for him because of that. ( if I could have ever verified he slept with someone I would have thrown him out immediately, I couldn’t forgive him EVER for that)
            This OW is however pushing for him to leave me before she will see him. It’s bizarre and doesn’t make sense to me .
            It appears as though they’re each playing head games with each other.
            It’s not long distance, he could be at her house in 10 minutes. If they’re so “ in love “ WHY haven’t they seen each other yet ?? He knows damn well if he told me he wanted to leave because he loved someone else, I’d pack his bags for him post haste!
            I think he knows our children would hate him if he left. I let my adult children know what’s happening, they told me they want nothing to do with him if he does that to me . Losing 5 children and 8 grandchildren is a lot to lose for some “ fuel” , I hope he thinks shes worth it .

  2. Taryn says:

    HG,

    Can a narcissist be a misanthrope? It seems that you/all narcissists hold people in total contempt because you all perceive them as being beneath you, yet you are dependent upon the fuel they provide. Also, why do narcissists want fuel from a “contaminated” source?

    I am trying to understand the narcissist’s perspective, and this aspect confuses me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes.
      2. Correct, that is annoying.
      3. Control.

      1. Taryn says:

        That makes sense. Thanks, HG. Don’t know what we all would do if it weren’t for you. So glad you’re in our corner 😊

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No need to contemplate that state of affairs, Taryn, it is redundant. You have me in your corner through my work.

  3. Pati says:

    Kiss you your pinky finger that was a good one.
    Anyways you dont have the pleasure of making us cry but you have the pleasure in seeing the reaction that makes us cry . Is that correct?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Crying is the reaction, Pati.

      1. Pati says:

        HG, when you see that reaction does it make you in feel good inside?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          What reaction is that Pati? I do not see the previous comment.

          1. Pati says:

            Making someone cry

          2. HG Tudor says:

            What of it Pati? (You made the same mistake!!)

          3. Pati says:

            What I meant is do you feel power control and satisfaction when making someone cry?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you for clarifying Pati.

            I receive fuel, which equates to power. This signals that I have control.
            Is there satisfaction, in essence, yes.

          5. Pati says:

            Thank you for answering HG more than you know.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome. People are always welcome to share their views and ask questions here. You may not always get an answer, but most of the time you will. I am the answer.

          7. Pati says:

            HG, I appreciate it I know you are a very busy man so your answers mean a lot.

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