Shiny, New and Improved
You messed up. I gave you the world, I really did. I truly gave you everything you ever wanted from someone. I know I did because this is what I always do. I always deliver. You did not though and you let me down. Despite everything I said, everything that I did you failed. Oh I hear you bleat on about how you loved me like nobody else. You protest about all the things you sacrificed for me, all the things you did for me and how you put me ahead of everything else in order to please me, to make me happy. Stop going on about yourself will you? It is not very becoming. This hysteria surrounding how you pulled out all the stops, gave your all and did everything that I ever asked of you, even doing some things you did not like is pathetic. Ah I see, you complain about it now, but you did not at the time did you, you charlatan? You disgust me.
I am well rid of you and in a way I suppose I must thank you because if you had not failed you would not have made me realise how we did not belong together. I did everything I could to make it work but you let me down. Thank goodness I woke up and saw it otherwise I would still be trapped by you. You at least enabled me to realise how flawed you actually are and I won’t be making that mistake again. Not a chance of that happening. In fact, as testament to just how wonderful I am and how brilliantly I treat you I have someone else. What do you mean I wasted no time in moving on? Why should I? I am not going to sit around and bemoan how you let me down. That will not serve any purpose and besides I cannot help it if people want to be with me, it is only natural.
Yes I am with Lauren now. She is wonderful. She is everything I have ever wanted and I am her soul mate. I know that we are going to be very happy together now. She is the one. I know I thought that of you, but you misled me. Lauren is not like that. I am moving in with her next week. It makes perfect sense. I want to be with her all of the time. She is beautiful, just look at her, perfectly put together. She is so shiny and new. I am head over heels in love with her, I cannot be apart from her. Take a look. If you had been more like her then I would not have had to punish you the way I did. That is not going to happen with Lauren. No way. I can only see a bright and beautiful future for us. I hope she falls pregnant soon as our child will be such a wonder to behold. Thank God I did not have a child with you. Imagine that? Good God that would have been terrible having to share a child with a monster like you. Lauren will be a first class mother, we have already talked about it and I can tell that she is keen. She adores me and always will. Not like you. You had your chance but you messed it up. You only have yourself to blame. Oh I know what you are like, you will try and make out that it was me that was the problem but I know it was you. So do all my friends and yours. Yes I have already spoken to them and they agree that I am better off without you and that Lauren and I are the perfect couple. She always knows what to say you see. She understands me like nobody else does. She gets me. She is the only one. I bought a new ‘phone with an increased megapixel camera because there will be so many photographs I have to take of Lauren and I. I want all those perfect moments captured so I can show the world how happy we are together. I know other relationships have not worked out but that is what happens when you get duped by harpies. Lauren is not like them. She is not like you. We have booked a holiday away already. Two weeks in the sunshine. We are going to have such a brilliant time being together in paradise. You can expect plenty of postings on Facebook so feel free to look in on them, I know you will. You can expect all my friends to be talking about us. We are the golden couple. Thank goodness I found her. This is it. This is the one for me. We just fit together. It is as if she knows what I am thinking. She listens and learns and then always knows the right thing to say and to do. It is marvellous and just shows why we belong together. I know you will need to know all of this because, well, I deserve to be happy after what you did to me. You should be happy for me, you should, that is if you really do love me. You tell me you do but that does not matter now. I have a perfect love with Lauren and this is the one that will last.I imagine we will be married by the summer. It will be a glorious ceremony and she will look absolutely stunning, polished and gleaming, stood just the way I want and looking at me with rapturous adoration.
I could not be happier, I really could not. I have my soul mate, I am her angel sent from heaven to make her happy and I will do that because I am so good at doing that for people. Everything is going to be just wonderful and you had your chance but you blew it. I get so excited when I find someone new and when I know they will be better than you. Someone who puts me first rather than themselves. Someone who deserves me. Someone who is not you. Someone who is new and improved.
49 thoughts on “Shiny, New and Improved”
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That brand new and shiny will soon turn old and rusty. It always happens with a narc, every time/ nothing to be jealous about…
Esther,
That is so true and I so needed to remind myself of that today.
I had a little peak on my ET graph earlier this afternoon, when I out-of-the-blue wondered, “What if Narcx is off marrying/honeymooning with my replacement?”
Woo! While I was able to see my ET had peaked, I did not understand what I was feeling or thinking at first, except for saying to myself, “This is ET. This is ET. Hold it together, woman. This is ET.”
Then I reminded myself *why* he would marry her, if he did: That’s what he needs to do in order to get fuel from her. He didn’t need that from me because I didn’t say, “You gotta put a ring on it.”
Then I asked myself, “Wow, Self! Could you imagine if you would have only given fuel in exchange for a ring and if you would have gotten that ring?”
“Yes, Self!” I answered. “You would have been STUCK with a narcissist for a very long time, given your penchant for loyalty and keeping your word!”
“Phew, Self!” exclaimed. “How fortunate that you put out without a serious commitment. Kudos to you!”
hi Lisk, i am glad it was helpful to you. i know what you mean, i struggle with “what if”s” some days as well. it used to be on a daily basis, but the reminders definitely help to cool self off. The way HG states it is ET is the enemy within or something like that. That makes sense. You did great at being able to keep your ET under control. I’ve had my ET take over quite a few times.t’s a rollercoaster and a constant struggle with self -emotions vs logic/reasoning. You should remind yourself you are on the winning side. you are free now and she is probably going thru the same cycle you have gone thru.Your reasoning with ‘self’ has reminded me of myself. lol doubts can be very annoying. You’ve made the right decision, just gotta stick with it and keep moving forward and don’t look back. Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps to know i am not the only one who struggles with ET. thank you Lisk.
Surely one day there will be a solution to the bowl of cherries with the hole in it.
Don’t envy poor Lauren.
If she’s lucky, he’ll dump her after destroying her confidence as he did yours.
If she’s not so lucky, she’ll bear the children he thought you were unworthy to have. Depending on the flavor of Narc-itude, he’ll play one child against another, or all of them against Lauren. He’ll kill the family dog, or ostentatiously cuddle it while ignoring the new baby. All family-oriented events, whether graduations, religious holidays, or outings to park or seashore, will be rendered joyless ordeals to be survived. Again depending on the flavor of Narc-itude, there will be custody battles which he manipulates by having all their mutual acquaintance smear her in court, though he hasn’t the slightest desire to be around the children. Alternately, he will disappear, leaving an unpaid backlog of child support.
If they stay together, he will either let her support him, or get her to quit school/her job, then reproach her for being uneducated and unemployable.
If you’re unable to love yourself enough to think you deserve better, love the kids you may or may not have.
Think about blighting their lives from the moment of conception by giving them such a person for a father. Don’t kids deserve better, both in their environment and in their genes?
And if you believe in prayer, pray for Lauren. She’s gonna need it.
V
I agree with what you wrote. Having children with them will not keep them, and no they will not change once they see the child. That is emotional thinking at it’s finest. It will just add other links to your chain of misery and is no gift to the children. What is recited here by the narcissist is a script that will continue on with a different name inserted. It may appear otherwise, but there are no exceptions.
You don’t read your own writing do you? You carry on braying about how you fulfill dreams and when we state we give in return…you retort how arrogant we are. Just because our giving didnt satisfy your undefined insatiable sadism doesn’t negate that we gave.
Your giving is a ly …its a reflection. You’ve said so yourself. When we reach for any substance or depth there’s nothing available.
The actions you take are the purest definition of insanity. You dismiss one person for not meeting your needs only to use the exact same process in procuring the next person expecting different results. You are the reason your needs continue to go unmet.
Even blaming your parents in your other articles (tickety-boo or not so pucker) is not only sad & transparent but imprisons you to live a life of unmet needs. Only you can prevent your loneliness.
Oh wait, i forgot, you have no feelings…so then why do you care about procuring another? Maybe its because a predator can’t live without the hunt. You don’t care about the catch but the chase.
I’m hopeful your articles bring every empath to realize how needless narcissists are so maybe any strain of narcissism will die off.
A word of advice: Nothing changes if nothing changes. And if we were to use you, Mr. Tudor, as an example it is obvious that it is easier to change self than change others.
Sincerely
A recovering empath
Hello ARB, your comment contains some inaccuracies.
1. The actions are insanity to you, but they are not to us. Yours is not the only perspective, however your kind repeatedly think it is. One might label that as arrogant and if it suited me to state as such I would, although I see it more as a consequence of ignorance and the effect of emotional thinking.
2. I am not lonely.
3. I do have feelings. Granted, they are largely negative, but the feelings are there. Your comment is a common misconception.
4. It is not about the chase, it is about control.
5. Narcissism will never die off.
6. You cannot change what you are. What you must do is change your state of knowledge and behaviours.
HG, you stated: “4. It is not about the chase, it is about control.”
What makes it confusing to me is that i’ve observed a chase in my own experience for a few times where a narc would loose an interest in a victim after the chase is over. It makes me think some narcs are all about the game/ chase. Once they secure a victim, they lose interest. I don’t see how control necessarily fits into this scenario!?
What do you think causes the interest to wane? Control has been achieved. It is all about control.
How does control fit with an IPSS HG? They still control us? So why the longevity? I appreciate the fuel would not go stale so quickly but they do still have control? Or is it because they do not have total and continuous
Control over the IPSS?
The longevity is because of the shelf nature of the dynamic.
But what of control to the IPSS?
Do you feel control issues over them? Knowing that they are going about their own lives?
It depends on whether there is a Hoover Trigger and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria have been met.
Knowing that the IPSS is going about their life is a Hoover Trigger and raises a prima facie need for control, but whether it is then exerted depends on others factors that form part of the HEC.
he lovely toy so fiercely sought
Hath lost its charm by being caught
– Byron
often quoted in relation to Anne Boleyn
i get the point. thanks.
Violetta, great quote. thanks
Lovely. Thanks HG
The actions ARE insane.
The clear fact is: anyone (including narcissists) who chooses to do the same things repeatedly and expects different results: This IS the definition of insanity.
Articles that have been written by you suggest failed relationships by the “appliances” you choose. Other articles suggest the depth and length you go to in choosing them.
Every person is capable of change. It is a choice.
By your very articles: techniques, tactics, manipulations & control all vary based on the need of the narcissist. A choice to change angles is the ability to choose. Are you saying the high powered ability of control pointed at another is unemployable when pointed at the self?
Perhaps narcissism is an illness. An involuntary obsession with control with the inability to be introspective enough to go beyond one’s own fear.
No. You misunderstand.
There is no choice.
1. Most narcissists do not know what they are, therefore they cannot change because they do not know what they are. Moreover, from their different perspective there is no basis for change because they cannot (because of the way the narcissism operates) see they are causing the problem, they regard the victim as the problem. It is a hard-wired defence mechanisms.
2. The much, much smaller group of aware narcissists will not choose to change because there is no need, again from that groups perspective. If what you do is highly effective, why alter it. YOU think the narcissist should change, because you have a different perspective as victim.
Keep reading so you understand the different perspectives.
Narcissism is not an illness. It is a self-defence mechanism.
Hi A recovering empath,
I have read HG’s writing and two sentiments of yours here stand out in relation to his work:
1. “You are the reason your needs continue to go unmet.”
I will write this quote on two post-it notes and put one on my fridge to read when I’m satiated but still looking for a snack and on my bathroom mirror to read while I am brushing my teeth.
I learned here that I cannot and should not rely on a narcissist—or anybody—to meet my emotional, physical, or material needs.
2.. “Only you can prevent your loneliness.”
So, true.
In fact, it is on this site where I learned that I was only lonely when I was with Narcx. So, here’s at least one verifiable case where someone read HG’s articles and realized how “needless” (or useless, rather) narcissists are.
I have a feeling there are many more such success stories.
Hey Lisk:
Sending you warm energy on the success of the endeavours you mentioned. 🙂
Thank you, A recovering empath!
Lisk: Thank you. Lions are my favorite creatures. I enjoy how they carry themselves on this planet. And like HG Tudor says, ignore those that tells one to go ahead and put our heads in their mouths, after the lions have been supposedly trained. I concur.
Recovering Empath, your comment made me think of a quote: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” If someone wants different results, they need to try different approaches. The problem is a narcissist never thinks he/she is the problem, therefore they go through the same cycle with a different person over and over. Smh 🤦♀️
Indeed and empaths go through the same cycle again and again also.
Yes I have gone through the same dating cycle Over and over. This is in reply to someone stating narcissists do and you said empaths do. Well yes. I assert that I’m not attracted to normal people and it’s not that I don’t want to be and you’ve said it is the product of emotional thinking. I dispute this though—how about a narcissist change their natural inclination? It’s not a natural thing-I know attractive men and have zero interest. There is zero nothing nothing. It’s a frustration.
Lorelei,
the reason narcissists have no need to stop the sycle or change their inclinations, is that the sycle benefits the narcissist, it is the optimal situation for them to cater to their needs.
you have to change because this sycle doesn’t benefit you and damages your life.
Absolutely Liza—it’s just so unnatural and it’s just an issue I bring forth because it’s an accurate hesitation moving on—like how to change everything. To be honest.. I hate chocolate ice cream. Hate it. I like vanilla. So, I can have chocolate forever moving on but never vanilla again. (The analogy works but I recognize it is basic and it’s not intended to imply anything sexual)
It’s the shift in what I’m accustomed to—the draw to someone is not there.. I would be fine never having ice cream again if chocolate were it.
Lorelei,
you don’t have to think only in terms of chocolate and vanilla, there are plenty of other delicious flavors, and amongst them, i’m sure you can finde one that will suit your taste and that doesn’t hold the indesirable effects that vanilla has.
Good point!
you got me there HG…but empaths are able stop the cycle from being repeated, they just choose not to. i know, it’s pretty dumb…
Liza: So true. One does not tell the hungry Lion to not seek out the delicious and nutritious Wilder-beast. One tells the delicious and nutritious Wilder-beast to watch out for the hungry Lion.
i love this analogy PSE, i will use it tonight, my brother didn’t eat his desert yet, i verry well intend on being the lion here.
Liza: Hahahaha. I am reminded of my brothers growing up. They really loved when a guest or anyone outside of the family was dining with us, and was a picky eater. And they would try to sit next to the picky eater. You do not want extra potatoes? No problem. You do not like broccoli, no problem. You think you should pass on the dessert, no problem. My brothers helped picky eaters out by taking their portions for themselves and with gladness. I am surprised that my brothers did not hug picky eaters, after the meal was over. Picky eaters wizened up so that they would not walk away hungry at our table. I would laugh to myself, whenever a picky eater dined with us for the first time and all of my brothers were available for the meal. It was fun for me to watch.
PSE,
i see in your brothers an opportunity to make a good deal, i would be more than happy to give them all the potatoes or anythings else, if they give me their sweets.
not liking sweet things is one of the best traits my brother has, he is always giving them to me.
he would say mysterious sentences like ” oh i juste ate dinner i’m full i don’t want to eat choclate”.
and my brain would be like “since when one needs to be hungry to eat chocolate?????!!!!!! i could rise from my grave if someone passes by with a tablet of chocolate”
PES:
This reminds me of a Family Guy episode in which Brian, who usually functions on a more human level than the pathetic Griffins, shows he’s still got some canine there:
********
Brian Griffin : [after kissing Meg, Brian throws up] Don’t worry, that was the booze, not you.
[pause]
Brian Griffin : Are you gonna eat that?
Very nicely put, PSE!
Liza: Once I special ordered from this Chef that I was acquainted 5 amazing cheesecakes for a picnic, as a gift from me to the host and hostess, because this cheesecake recipe was both homemade and very good. I walked around the picnic and offered slices, table by table, and I moved swiftly. At one table, a picky eater said something like, `I`m not sure if I blah, blah, blah.` I did not really listen to her. I wanted to give out the cheesecake and be done with serving it. I was just like my brothers in reverse, and so I ignored the picky eater. I placed a slice before all that did not murmur and I kept moving on to another table, and then I heard the picky eater actually lift up her picky voice and she said,` PSE, I do want a slice`. Hahahaha. I turned around and walked back over to the table where she was sitting, and I immediately gave her a slice. But, she almost missed out by hesitating. I had no time that day for picky eaters, and I had no desire to persuade her to have a slice, when there was not enough slices for everyone, anyway. So, you snooze, picky eater, you lose, picky eater, that day. But, I was impressed with that picky eater for actually summoning her inner picky strength to call me back, in the nick of time, to obtain for herself a slice. And, we all enjoyed that special delicious homemade cheesecake, that day.
PSE,
actually i am a picky eater, appart from sweets, i don’t like many things, and i finde it verry embarassing and upsetting when i’m in an event or a familly dinner and i say that i don’t want something, and they keep insisting and bring attension so if i continue to refuse, it would seem impolite.
i juste want to shout at them, “i am an adult, i can decide what i want to eat and what i don’t want, why is so impotant for you”
to punish them, i nerver compliment that particular dish 1)i really didn’t like it. 2) they don’t deserve my hypocrisy after what they did.
so, thank you for gracefully ignoring the picky eaters.
Liza: You are welcome. There are food shortages for many people on this planet as well. If someone does not want to consume something, why push them? Food pushing is extremely strong in many cultures, as well. This goes with alcohol as well…if someone feels they have had enough drink in their body, why push them to keep consuming more alcohol? In fact, this should go for many things. Even things done for love are often dressed in a red flag.
Until they run into this blog.
Have escaped RE, been disengaged or are you still involved with an N?
During two years after our break up he had 4 or 5 women but none of them was his primary source. The relationships lasted for about a month or two, he was chasing other women all the time, hoovering me and other exes and behaving like a single who doesn’t want long term relationship. Of course all those women ended heartbroken. The truth is I was happy about that, I was thinking to myself: what a disordered mess, he can’t even pretend to be normal loving partner.
But lately something had changed. He found a primary source, they are together for about 3 months, he doesn’t flaunt her (yet?), instead he spends with her every free minute of his life, he stopped flirting with others… He acts like normal guy who found love and wants to build with her strong lasting relationship. It doesn’t hurt me, its been two years. But to be honest I started doubting his narcissism. Maybe he is normal? Just a little bit narcissistic so he couldnt be alone, wanted some attention and that’s why he was dating all those women he didn’t truly love (including me) but now since he found someone “perfect for him” he really loves her and this will be a normal relationship without devaluation and discard?
Deep down I know this is not true, I know what I saw, a devil under the mask..But there is always “what if”. I am amazed by his new facade, I thought he can’t be happy with a woman for a month because his needs are so great and he gets bored so eaisily. I am also amazed that she doesn’t see what he is, I knew very early there was something really wrong with him, I was suspicious, I was questioning him and that’s why it didn’t last for long. So I don’t know. Maybe he changed or maybe the problem was really me and all those before and after me – we were not enough and that’s why he traated us so badly, not because he has NPD.
Understandable thoughts Gab and to ensure you get some definitive answers put him through the Narc Detector Consultation. This will assist you and dependent on the outcome, you can then make an informed decision and gain informed knowledge on your next steps and understanding.
Haha.
You are so good HG.
How well you project your flaws onto us and then shift the blame.
Well played. And very well written.
i know it is immature and not nice of me, but i was verry happy to see that i was more beautifull than my replacement.
and the worst part is when i’m told by others that i’m better i would act as if it was irrelevent, but my brain would be like “YES!!!”
I feel the exact same way. He got some young dumb chic everything this article described was my world still is as he still loves to tell me about his great love. 🤢
Nadia,
you still have contacte with him? it must be hard on you, if it is possible try cutting ties.
the bad thing with my behaviour is that i actually know the girl, she was introduced to me as his friend when we were together, and she was adorable, well, “know” is a big word we only spend an evening together but still, i feel bad not being in a position to tell her what he is, it is a relief for me not having to talk to her.