The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best

 

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“I love you.”

“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”

 

“You won’t ever amount to anything.”

“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”

 

I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”

“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”

 

“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”

“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”

 

“I am proud of you.”

“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”

 

 

“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”

“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”

 

“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”

“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”

 

“I am trying to help you,you know?”

“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”

 

I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”

“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”

 

“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”

“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”

 

“You were an accident.”

“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”

 

“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”

“I have decided….”

 

“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”

“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”

 

“I had such high hopes for you.”

“You aren’t doing what I want.”

 

“That never happened.”

“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”

 

“We never thought you would leave home.”

“You were not meant to move out of my control.”

 

“We hardly ever see you these days.”

“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”

 

“You weren’t like this when you were little.”

“You were so much easier to control back then.”

 

“I don’t love you.”

“I don’t love you. I never have.”

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58 Comments

  1. These women sbouldnt have kids period. GET YOUR DAM TUBES TIED. That would make more sense and you then do whats best!

  2. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I rang my mum this arvo, as I do everyday and she felt the need to remind me again for the (I’ve actually lost count) time, how she never wanted kids and I’m only here because the abortionist went on holidays and how she’s always preferred her cats over her kids

    I didn’t respond
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Dear Mr Tudor,
        I’m now very proficient at ignoring, thanks to you … haha
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Bubbles,
      I’m sorry you have to hear those horrible words from your Mother!Some people should just not be parents. You just keep you sweet soul just like it is precious lady, don’t ever change a thing! 😘🤗

    2. Bubbles
      That’s horrible to hear even though you know it’s only provocation. If you care to share, I’m curious as to why still speak with her everyday. Is it duty felt being that she is still your mother? Rising above her behaviour to demonstrate what the dynamic should be like? Have you ever said to her: I hear the terrible things you say to me that no mother ever should, because you have lead a disappointing life by your own hand, but I don’t accept that I am less than because of it? If you don’t want to considerate it further I understand, and I’m sorry you continue to experience that.

      1. NarcAngel
        It would be Challenge fuel and her mother would probably invalidate her. I was pissed after I read Bubbles comment.

      2. Dear NarcAngel, FoolMe1Time, K, Witch, Who Cares, Kim e, FYC,
        Thank you lovelies for your all responses, I appreciate you all
        My mother is quite something, always has been and no one ever believed me when I’d tell them what she did or said
        She has no filter, she’s all about herself, always has been
        My mother lives an hours drive away with her two cats … she’s nearly 89 years old
        She’s been on her own since my step dad died 4 years ago (she contacted me)
        I do feel a sense of obligation as her only daughter plus my brother lives interstate whom she despises n hates because she considers him to be a liar, plus he’s male and has barely had anything to do with him most of his life
        “She” asked me to phone her everyday to make sure she’s ok … yes I know, control …haha
        We see her every week as I’m her carer, I do her shopping, make appointments, pay her bills, change her bed, clean her house, take the cats to the vets, organise gardeners, tradies etc (Mr Bubbles comes with me)
        My mum tried to break me when I was young
        The things she says even shocks Mr Bubbles
        Our kids hate her for what she did to me and the fact she’s ignored them most of their lives
        I believe she has always been jealous of me because I’m all that she isn’t
        I have questioned her about everything she put me thru and her answers are typical with that of a narc, you never get straight answers
        The weasel had been giving me a hard time when mum entered the arena years ago, the combination of the two narcs tactics landed me in hospital, the stress was overwhelming, plus I had accidentally breathed in mould growing in my mother’s house
        That’s the time I discovered Mr Tudor (thankfully)
        It has most definitely been a journey of self discovery and learning
        My mission has been to survive and mentally overcome this, I’ve had many set backs along the way, however hurtful my mum is, I try to stay true to myself but must seize the power at all costs

        Why ? You ask NarcAngel
        I have honour, principals, integrity and a sense of duty …it’s in my DNA …. along with stupidity, haha
        I have tried to set an example to our children as well, to face my demons, my mother broke my heart, but not my spirit or soul, she will never do it again
        Thank you kind lovelies
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Dear Bubbles,

          Wow, you have done more than you share. Most people would jump their parents into a nursing home. You are truly a wonderful person bubbles and you set a good example to your family.
          Please take care of yourself

          Hugs xoxoxo

          1. Dear Pati,
            Thank you lovely ..you are too kind
            Mum won’t go into a nursing home full stop !
            She wants to die in her bed

            I want to be the best role model for my kids because I never had any
            Luckily, I have them to take care of me as well
            Sending Hugs right back Pati
            🤗
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        2. Dearest Bubbles,
          You are very welcome. Your mother reminds me of my paternal grandmother (MMRN); ghastly. Just make sure you take care of yourself, no more visits to the hospital for stress.
          Luv K xoxox

          1. Dearest K,
            Not another one, heaven forbid !
            No, that stress was only in the very beginning
            It’s like the other day, mum said
            “I have nothing to live for, except for my cats”

            I did ask mum, if she really didn’t want us, why didn’t she put us kids up for adoption
            All I got back was that dumb blank look narcs give …l did give her some think music, but no nothing !

            I have developed an “immunity” to her words, however hurtful as they may be ⚔️🛡🏹 🤺haha
            Stress less as they say, no narc is best 😝
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Dearest Bubbles,
            Hahahaha….I am all-too-familiar with the Dumb Look! The cheek of you-how dare you challenge your mother! My grandmother is dead, so no worries there.

            No narc is best; keep working on Zero Impact, although, it’s not always easy.
            Luv K xoxox

        3. Bubbles
          I’m glad that you found Mr. Tudor and now have answers to why she is the way she is. It’s tricky when it’s family. You don’t want to endure they’re cruelty, but you also don’t want them to dictate who you are by allowing them to diminish your principals, integrity, sense of duty, and compassion (not stupidity). Not to mention having to deal with everyone thinking you are horrid to your mother because they don’t understand narcissism. You’re lovely Bubbles, despite the parental card you were dealt.

          Shout out to Mr Bubbles also for his loving support, and for not stuffing an orange in her vitriolic maw and burying her in the garden one day when you were at the market.

          1. Dear NarcAngel,
            Awe …..😌
            Thanks for caring NarcAngel, your words mean a great deal to me
            Mum happens to have an orange tree in the back garden n two shovels …. hmmmm 🤔
            🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        4. Madame B

          I just dont know what to say. I applaud your ethic but equally I feel it isnt right or fair what has happened to you. Is now happening to you.

          You must take care of yourself.

          I’m so sorry.

          1. Dear Renarde,
            I cop this type of thing from her on a weekly basis
            She thinks I’m a nut …. hard to crack ! Haha
            No need to be sorry precious
            I have you guys 😀
            Thank you for caring Renarde, means heaps
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Dearest Renarde,
            That is the nicest thing someone has said to me
            I’m overwhelmed
            💕
            Thank you from the cockles of my heart
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Dear Mercy,
            My humble thanks beautiful one
            All you lovely ladies have me blushing 😊
            💕
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    3. Hi bubbles,
      I’m sorry to hear that your mother speaks to you like that.
      My mum is not so overt with her mouth, she’s more of a sly bitch with her attacks. She would just whine that we (her kids) don’t realise how much she’s had to hold it together for us and then she will try to find an opportunity to remind us that she was abused as a child. She will find a way to slip that in some how.
      I no longer call her and I wouldn’t even answer her calls if she tried.
      I wonder how it effects you hearing what she has to say, even if you don’t respond?
      I’m still hurt deep down, but I feel so much better that we are not in contact. And I no longer feel guilty for not being the dutiful daughter who’s responsible for her mother’s happiness. Those days are gone.

      1. “she will try to find an opportunity to remind us that she was abused as a child. She will find a way to slip that in some how.”

        How many people weren’t abused as children? That doesn’t mean we have to pass it on.

        There’s a cartoon of an auditorium full of chairs, with a banner over the stage reading, “Children of Functional Families.”

        The auditorium is empty, except for one woman sitting in a chair, smiling brightly.

        1. Violetta,
          I agree with you, but you see her childhood was worse than ours and that is that. We have to be reminded of it. We also have to be reminded of her grudges against her parents, her grudges against our fathers, her grudges against whatever other random she has a grudge against and we are expected to be loyal to her whenever she has any kind of grudge against anyone, no matter how old the grudge is.
          “Two sides to every story” doesn’t apply to her. If she has beef with someone then we are supposed to take her side and not question her poor judgment. She won’t say any of this directly but she will make it known through her general hostility

          1. @youbringoutmynarcsfleas

            I believe my mum is a victim narc, lower Mid-Ranger. She never takes responsibility for her choices, if it appears that she is taking some responsibility she isn’t, what she is really doing is a pityplay.
            “I’m sorry but you know I am a victim so it’s not really my fault”
            and then you feel guilty for challenging her.
            She tried to contact my paternal sister’s mum and she didn’t reply to her. So Because of that she tried to sabotage my relationship with her. She said I should have asked her for permission before accepting her as a friend on Facebook.
            She would also tell me I’m prettier than my sister who’s a child btw. She’s obviously jealous about not being my fathers one and only baby mum, and that she has not been included in the relationship I have with my sister. Although she’ll never admit it.
            I’m glad I’m very different from her

          2. @youbringoutmynarcfleas

            Im sad to know that there are so many narc mums out their.
            The thing is, a lot of the people around my mum weren’t innocent. My dad can be a very big arsehole, which made it easier for her to get me under her thumb, because initially you would think she was the victim and in some ways she was. But this woman revels in it, and she won’t take responsibility for her part.

          1. @witch. My mother was always the victim. Before I educated myself in all of this I used to say she’d have violins playing around her all day if she could. She had (supposedly) an abusive childhood, abusive husbands (including my dad). Guess who I still talk to and who I dont? She could twist mother theresa into an eventual psycho I swear. As for her terrible terrible childhood? Id rather hers than the one she gave me.

    4. Bubbles,

      Don’t take this the wrong way but it is miraculous that you turned out as positive and sweet as you are, listening to messages like that on a regular basis.

      Hugs,
      WC

    5. Bubbles.
      OMG. That is awful to hear from a parent. I know my mom did not want me…did not learn that until I came here and put the dots together…but for her to actually say that out loud to you. Disgusting.
      Just stay here with your “family” that does appreciate you. {{{{Hugs}}}}}}

    6. Dearest Bubbles, You have a beautiful soul and deserve to be N free. Have you ever considered ringing her less often? She will be fine without a daily call, and the less contact you have the more peace you will have each day absent her toxic venom. You will be ever as lovely whether you call or not. If you feel guilt in taking such an action, please keep in mind that the matrinarc conditioned that guilty response. Reject it and honor yourself. You deserve that. Honestly, it is impossible to completely heal when in contact with the N. The Zero Impact package has made a great difference for me. I highly recommend it for anyone dealing with N, and *especially* a familial N. Wishing you a very low contact and highly content December! Hugs.

      1. Dear FYC,
        Thank you kindly for that reference and review, I shall take it on board
        I very much appreciate your help n support
        I did make a commitment to ring mum everyday when she asked … I’m true to my word and yes “guilt” is very much part of my Achilles heel
        I’ve conquered being able to say no …. haha
        I’m still working on the guilt ….somewhat slow process … ask poor Mr Bubbles and my kids ….. haha
        December is definitely my month, as I luv Christmas 🎄
        So all is merry n bright
        Warmest wishes lovely
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Dear Bubbles, I’m so happy all is merry and bright for you at home this Christmas season. I thought about you today after your reply. You are one of the kindest people on the blog and I know you are a person of strong values. I understand your commitment. Here’s the thing though, you have already kept your promise. It would not be breaking your promise if you revised the agreement for both your benefit. Perhaps you tell her you are pleased she is doing well, but since you are not always available, you bought her a gift of a life-alert pendant (press the button in emergency for dispatched help) so she can know she is always safe. A caring act, that paves the way for you to amend your agreement guilt free. Just a thought.

          I really hope you take good care of yourself while you care for everyone else. I wish you much joy over the holidays.

          1. Dear FYC,
            Your sentiments warm my very soul, so thank you
            I was very much “conditioned” during my childhood and early teen years
            I had to be “perfect” or I received the wrath from my mother along with her disapproval and silent treatments (that was the killer) I spent most of my time alone in my room not talking to anyone …. I wasn’t allowed to talk, I had to ask permission to speak
            My mother is the the most judgemental person I’ve ever come across
            I organised a “care alert” pendant ages ago and covered all her age care bases ….I think I’m too efficient… haha
            My being here, keeps me on my toes dealing with her and is a constant reminder of what I’m dealing with
            Having all your support and validations keeps me strong ( sometimes it is extremely hard as I still do have feelings)
            My heart goes out to all you beautiful caring lovelies and all your words of wisdom ❤️
            Forever grateful and with Xmas hugs
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. Dear Bubbles, I have a VMRN parent that is unbelievably judgmental, expects perfection, is forever never satisfied, nothing and no-one is ever good enough. The ultimate victim. Zero personal accountability (possibly subzero). Silent treatments, history revision, triangulation, lies, gaslighting, venomous barbs and guilting are a way of life for the VMRN. When I was young these were very hurtful, upsetting and confusing (still can be at times). I became parentified at a young age. I was the voice of the family. I was expected to right all perceived wrongs (reliable fuel source). It was exhausting. I made super human efforts to bring about happiness in the family but that was NEVER possible (and believe me, I am both capable and tenacious and still failed). Happiness and contentment are impossible for Ns and they resent others who feel happiness and joy. “Jealous of your contentment” might be their anthem.

            Bubbles, I empathize with your struggle and pain, but being under her control is not a good idea. Instead, be true to you. Reject the manipulative guilt and structure something that is healthy/good for you. The reality is, she is not going to like anything anyway no matter what! There is no fixing this, and accommodating her manipulation is costing you at your soul level. Love yourself more. Do what is best for you and your family. You deserve this. Revise your agreement and see if their alternate ways to manage the situation (there always are). Please do try Zero Impact if you have not already. Be extra good to you this holiday season, Bubbles, and I hope you find much peace and joy as you go forward.

          3. FYC
            A victim narcissist or midranger might be ok with this “gift of a life-alert pendant (press the button in emergency for dispatched help (er, fuel))” because it appeals to their need for fuel and control but a lesser may see it as challenge fuel (you are trying to assert control over her) and may toss it in the trash, or hurl it across the room, after insulting you.

            It would be interesting to see how Bubble’s mother would respond to a life-alert pendant.

          4. Great insights K! I was grasping for any idea that might give Bubbles more freedom. Some way for her to feel good about amending what she agreed to and to create a more healthy arrangement. Given the dynamic between Bubbles and her matrinarc (empath giver and N controller), this attempt would likely be seen as an affront to Ns control and she would continue to seek new ways to maintain control. This is why GOSO (as much as possible) is so important. Waiting for someone to die in order to end abuse is so destructive to anyone’s well being, and even to those around them (who are empaths). I worry that Bubbles’ honor and reacting to her mother’s guilt manipulation sets a bad president for her youngest, that one should keep giving no matter how awful someone is because it is the ‘loving and honorable thing to do’. Creating a more healthy structure could be beneficial for both. I do not know the circumstantial details, so it is difficult to offer solutions, but a HG consult might be a good way to go. People are now far more frequently living into their 100s. I would not want her to suffer another day of abuse, much less a decade or more.

          5. Thank you FYC!
            It looks like mum already has the pendant and makes good use of it by gas lighting the ambo people! In this situation, I think a Zero Impact consult would be appropriate. Decency and guilt are strong traits and I understand how some people can’t bring themselves to go completely NC. A visiting nurse is also another option, too. I did that with my father when he was alive. A ZI consult and Low Contact may be a doable option for some people with elderly narcissistic parents but it isn’t easy.

      2. Dearest K,
        Funny you should mention mum’s pendant
        She sets it off frequently …(the ambo people are always checking in on her) “are you ok Mrs MatriNarc” “Mrs MatriNarc, are you there” deliberate or accidental, I can’t be certain …could be both
        Next thing the ambos are on her doorstep and in her house
        “Oh… what are you doing here ? ” “No I’m fine thanks, must’ve been one of the cats, sitting on my chest”
        I wouldn’t be surprised, if she’s tests them to see how quick they are ….. haha
        That’s one way to get attention !
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Dearest FYC,
            Everything you say is relevant lovely and I appreciate your suggestions and advice, I also see your point regarding our youngest (I never thought of that)
            I was actually seeing mum twice a week at her request
            Now she’s requested once a week ( I won’t go back to twice now)

            Our “dear ol friend” is now in an aged care facility, mum’s next ….I’ll just bide my time
            Our daughter thinks my mum is “losing it” with all the crap that comes out of her mouth, our daughter has absolute zero tolerance of her and our Ms Bubbles has a healthy abundance of narcissistic traits …. she’s trying to get me to follow her lead … haha

            It’s also difficult, as I’m mum’s “power of attorney” to her estate …. I actually dread the day because she’s got so much stuff (she’s a hoarder) …..so much junk!
            I’ve never asked mum for anything my whole life and I’ve never expected anything
            Maybe all the wrongs she done to me will end up in some form of compensation … it remains to be seen !
            Thank you kindly sweetness
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          2. I appreciate your situation as POA, dearest Bubbles. I have never dealt with a hoarder. Just the thought is repulsive to me. I certainly hope there is a silver lining in this black cloud of abuse and a big pot of gold at the end of your arduous journey. You deserve the best.😘

          3. Dearest FYC,
            It’s like tonight ..I rang her to see if all is well in MatriNarc land
            The cat hadn’t come in from being outside all day and she was worried
            I asked if she had checked inside the house ….nope, not there
            I asked mum if she could please phone me, when she was in and to know that she’s safe n well
            No phone call

            So I rang mum
            Mum said ….. Oh yes, she’s been asleep all day in the spare bedroom
            Me …. why didn’t you phone me to let me know ?
            Mum … My interests were on something else
            😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          4. Dearest Bubbles, So very predictable!! I’m glad all are okay, but I suspected that all along. I’m sending you hugs and best wishes for an extra peaceful, uneventful, worry free day.

          5. Dear FYC,
            Thank you, you beautiful loving caring person
            Mr Bubbles n moi are off to visit her today
            I’m a big girl now ..I’ll be fine .haha
            Luv Bubbles 😘

          6. Thank you, dearest Bubbles, you are very much appreciated. I just saw mine and it always leaves me with conflicted feelings of sympathy, frustration, love in spite of everything, and sadness. Bubbles, I know you will be fine. Just know when you hear more barbs she is only projecting. You are lovely.

        1. Dearest Bubbles,
          Hahahaha…Fuel on demand, just push a button and, like magic, the fuel comes to you with very little effort. You can’t beat that with a stick.
          Luv K xoxox

  3. I can see my mother in law in a few of these particularly never seeing us and her birthday. She gets pissy if her son doesnt call her a certain amount of times a week and will be a complete bitch to him as a result bc she has no audience and no fuel. She is miserable in her tiny apartment. Instead of joining a seniors group or a hobby she expects her kids to keep her occupied and “busy”. What she fails to realise is we have lives of our own as well and are stretched thin as it is.
    Her birthday is like a national event and she milks it for every ounce of fuel down to who sits in which seat at the restaurant. She knit picks the staff and is never happy with her meal which she always expects her children to pay for everytime. She loves to be catered to and fussed over 🙄🙄
    She wonders why i never call her well no thank you im not your fuel source and its bad enough dealing with her theatrics when i have to why would i volunteer my free time for more?

    1. Dear Chihuahuamum,
      I was speaking to a male friend the other day
      His mate’s ageing mum gets her son to visit her the same time every day.
      He runs around after her dropping off shopping and the like
      This son is so stressed out meeting her demands, he can’t take it anymore
      There lies the difference we all face, obligation from the son and entitlement from his mum
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  4. HG, there is a disturbing reality written in academic and trade journals on today’s upward trend in youth mental illness,suicide among the male gender under 40 and young males publicly wear make up, high heel shoes and dresses then obsess about sex change — There’s one common denominator — each ‘casualty’ lives at home with a Matriarch!

    Thank you so much for your tone and writing style to educate on a very sensitive ‘figure of a family unit’.

    1. PrivateJourney60: What do you think about this idea: these young men did not have the strong masculine male figure in the home when they were children, like many of them wanted to have, that was strong enough to balance the strong dominance of their mother. So some of these young men are trying to lure in this strong male figure by becoming the woman themselves, as the man bait, in an odd way. These young men are working on becoming their mother and thus a woman, in an attempt to rewrite history and to bring in a strong father figure. And if by trying to be women, they can lure in this strong male figure, they subconsciously believe that they can be the child again, but now in a male dominated household, and a more balanced existence against the dominant mother household, like they wish they had, as a child. So they are trying to become the mother to bring in a strong father figure to be able to be the child again with a strong male head of household, like they desired when growing up, that they did not have. And, thus they desire to be taken care of again, but now with the missing masculine energy in place, that they desired then. But, one can not rewrite history. But, many try. And, sometimes in bizarre ways. Just a thought.

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