The Narcissist and Feelings

THE NARCISSIST AND FEELINGS

Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back. You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you. All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened. Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.

I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore. I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel. I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward. All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion. My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.

I feel powerful.

I am powerful.

56 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Feelings

  1. Tammy says:

    @heavenlyrevelationsfromdaddy, what does the “ok dude” comment mean?

  2. heavenlyrevelationsfromdaddy says:

    Ok dude

  3. AnneB says:

    Kim, e.
    “When I asked the last time I saw him “ where does it leave us?” I got big puppy dog eyes and a shoulder shrug. He couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a bs answer”.

    Oh no, yet another barf moment with an N! God, I’m feeling the rage tonight. It’s sleepy time for me.

  4. AnneB says:

    I don’t blame myself for the ex’s cruelty and disregard towards me. I am recognising more and more that it was a result of absence of emotional empathy. Ex was barely able to hide this, I see in retrospect, though it did not manifest in violence, but verbal barbs, cold silences, sneers, back handed compliments, triangulation (with women, objects, devices), emotional infidelity (from my perspective), gaslighting, threats of withdrawal, blame shifting, deflection. During the GP, I sensed something “off” whilst he plied his cognitive empathy skills, but after even a month of the GP I was sensing the ‘off’, even in bed. I didn’t explore that sense further, I was hooked on the good times and the attention, the ‘affection’ and the ‘loving’ gestures, the consistency of time we spent together. What I sensed was that both his loving expressions/gestures and lovableness was being faked. I’ve been thinking the reason it was so confusing was because the faking was not accompanied by any signs of guilt. You know, it was a performance. Or it must be,as HG says, he was not aware of faking it, even though he was. Not like when I might be tired of listening to a friend, for e.g, so the CG might kick in, but I’ll feel a little guilty and that will come out in gesture or tone somewhere.
    l’ll never ‘get’ that lack of empathy from my own emotional perspective, though I now get it cognitively. I absolutely did not understand it at the time, did not see it for what it was. My dawning realisations do not negate the pain I suffered at his hands.

    1. Notme! says:

      Anne B
      I relate to everything you wrote. I got it was ‘off’ too even in the GP. I remember thinking ‘I never yet met a man who gave a toss what I was wearing, how odd’. I convinced myself that having been married for 10 years to a man who wouldn’t have noticed if I was dressed as Superman, that I must have a warped view and the N sending me pictures of things he thought would ‘suit me’ was thoughtful. He also told me once ‘psycopathy can be useful in my kind of business’ ‘I am able to compartmentalise and that helps me to get things done’ – I even ignored that too.
      Like you, I did not experience physical violence, in fact, he barely raised his voice ever. I was almost constantly anxious after the first 6 months. His teasing, gaslighting, coldness, blame shifting and rejection of intimacy were incessant at times and exhausted me. He did so many things that showed his lack of empathy that I still cringe that I tolerated any of them and will probably never admit to most of it. I didn’t think I had low self-esteem but I’m cringing now thinking about it.
      When I told him I’d had enough, I said ‘your lack of empathy is something I’ll never be comfortable with’, he admitted to ‘a degree of psycopathy’. I was stunned.
      Your post made me think that because that lack of empathy makes no sense to us, we reject it as a possibility or explanation of their behaviour.
      Do you think you would see it more clearly if it happened in the future? That’s what worries me now

      1. AnneB says:

        Notme, Thanks, what you write of your experience sounds similar to mine in many ways. Close to the end I said to him in complete exasperation and lashing out ” you are an arrogant fuck” to which he smiled/smirked. Good fuel dollop there. At around this time, in a different conversation involving word salad I also remarked “…there is something wrong with you, you don’t seem to have any empathy…”. I said this from a place of sincerity and confusion, an enquirery of sorts. His response was to shrug his shoulders. This was at the disengagement stage.

        I feel that I would recognise this in the future from very early on. I have reflected on my past relationships and at this point feel pretty sure that this particular N (if that is what he is) type was a first for me as far as intimate relationships go. I have known Ns before in work and friendship circles, but this was new to me and incomprehensible. You are probably correct (at least for me personally): I baulked at what I intuited under the surface, I did not want to know, and yes, rejected it as an explanation.

      2. AnneB says:

        Not me! I think what I see a lot more clearly now is the use of cognitive empathy as a *means of* instinctively veiling the lack of emotional empathy. It is a performance without recognising it as such. What I think of as ‘faking it’ without knowing it is faking. It’s hard for me to express, It is different from how an empathic or normal person utilises cognitive empathy. That is what I vaguely sensed in the GP and what I could not put a finger on. The lack of emotional empathy was much clearer (relatively) in devaluation and also in his behaviour towards some others and towards animals. He kept overt displays to a minimum though. By the time I saw that side I was in lala land, trying to make things work and for him to get on with embodying his potential… (ie ET at full ramp to make sure my addiction was being fed).

        1. NarcAngel says:

          AnneB
          You hit on a key point for me. Potential. I often say my sister is in love with potential and I see it in others also. The strong feeling that there is potential that can be unlocked rather than accepting what is actually being shown us. And of course only we have the magic key to unlock all that potential. Narcs aren’t the only ones to indulge in magical thinking if we’re honest.

          1. AnneB says:

            N/A, yes! magical thinking sustains the addiction, it is put tp use to serve addiction. I wanted him to be capable of reciprocal intimacy. I wanted that in order to be able to stay with him in a reciprocal, mutual relationship. Despite the evidence of devaluation, I persisted in wanting that and believing it might be possible for some time..Welcome to magical lala land.

            Magical thinking serves Ns in other ways.

          2. WhoCares says:

            NarcAngel,

            Good observation on ‘potential’…although I do see what you mean about magical thinking on the part of the empath, I definitely recall my narc giving me *just enough* evidence of his “real” potential to keep me hanging on. Especially with regard to creative endeavors and business plans – he put the work in and produced real, tangible, results. That was the part that was ‘evidence’ for me, until much later when I could see the pattern of his efforts – enough to be believable to me (and others) for a time but it was never sustainable. This was also alongside his devaluation of me – of course those behaviours were disregarded or written off by me as being due to something else.

            So, yes, we might see some of the actual truth before us but we select the evidence that supports what we already believe about people.

            I am this way with all people I am close to: I see their potential and their uniqueness and want to support that. This is not magical thinking with normal/empathetic people but the narcissist takes advantage and exploits this tendency to believe in the potential of others.

          3. AnneB says:

            Notme! Was just reflecting on what you say here about potential. Seeing potential in my ex and the relationship only really fell into the realm of magical lala land ET after the devalution-respite period started up.

          4. NarcAngel says:

            WhoCares
            I meant magical thinking in that we think we have the power to change anyone. If we are looking at potential instead of evidence, we are suggesting change. Especially in an adult relationship, surely the other person would know of this potential or have had it pointed out to them previously, but we sometimes think that no one else has recognized it or has been able to help them reach it. But we will. In the end – they didn’t have that potential at all. It was magical thinking on both sides. Perhaps the term magical was offensive. I thought it kinder than some of the alternatives.

          5. WhoCares says:

            NarcAngel,
            I understand now what you meant by magical thinking and I did not find the term offensive.
            Yes, that is actually fairly egotistical, as you say, thinking that we will be ‘the one’ to change someone and some narcissists will happily play into that dynamic. Yes, I think this egotistical thinking was at play in my wish to be his ‘second chance’ at happiness. I realize now we can never be someone else’s “happiness”.
            But for me specifically, I don’t think I want someone to change – I want them to to be themselves and whatever achievements that means for them – their own best potential. I wanted this for my ex as well and it showed in how I supported his endeavors. This is not me identifying a need for change in another but them sharing their hopes/dreams with me and then I support their choices made towards those goals. I guess this could be egotistical or magical thinking on my part – in assuming that someone wants/needs that kind of support? ( I see now that my narc mirrored me in this area and lapped up my efforts – benefitting from both trait acquisition and residual benefits.)
            I guess I am trying to identify where my magical thinking lead me astray…I did make a lot of effort to make changes that reduced stress hoping it would help things. My mistake was not identifying him as the source of stress sooner.
            I do know that if I ever entertain a future relationship – that other person better have their own autonomous energy to pursue their goals and it will be a more parallel partnership. I will never sink that much energy and resources into supporting another ever again.

          6. NarcAngel says:

            WhoCares
            How about someone offering the energy, resources, and support to champion our goals for a change? Our choices should not be limited to either investing in them or leaving them alone to achieve theirs. It is not unreasonable or selfish for us to expect what we are willing to invest in others, but I’m not sure we always see that.

          7. WhoCares says:

            NarcAngel,

            I hear what you are saying; that possibility sounds wonderful. But – and I don’t know if this is bitterness or logical thinking speaking – for me, that particular possibility is right up there in pipe dream land.
            As I write that, I think it is more a reality check. I have only so much emotional resources (energy, time and money too) on hand – for me and my son. And in real life I am prone to be giving of that to others more than to myself. I can’t change it – even with fellow Empaths. I am aware of it though.

            It is harder, but I am trying to gift those things to myself.

          8. NarcAngel says:

            WhoCares
            You’re right. That was too simplistic and likely came off as annoying. I have no business dabbling in positivity.

          9. WhoCares says:

            NA, I have to share. Your reply provided a teaching moment. My son and I just came back from a walk and sledding at a local tobogganing hill. I checked my phone, chuckling at your comment on ‘dabbling in positivity.’ My son asked: “What are you laughing at?” Instead, of putting him off by saying “You wouldn’t understand,” I just said “Positivity.” He asked what positivity is.
            I said “Back at the hill you got upset because a four-old girl yelled at you when your sled (accidentally) got a headstart and she wanted to race you. Yes, she shouldn’t have yelled, but she felt it was unfair – plus, she is four – and she is still learning. You focused on that instead of the fact that you had a friend to sled with. That is negativity.” (The hill was packed with kids yesterday but only a couple kids today.) And then he answered for himself “If I focused on having a friend to race with, that would be positivity.”
            Me: “Yep.”

            Soooo, perhaps I need to model more positivity for him.
            And maybe I am being too negative about relationships and the future. Relationships just feel like a crapshoot and with those odds I would rather invest in myself.
            By the way, NA, I think your comments are plenty supportive, frank (and, yes positive). I appreciate that you are sincere and candid and that I can be forward, or share a differing opinion, without worrying that you will be offended or take it the wrong way.

          10. NarcAngel says:

            WhoCares
            What madness is this?! A parent accompanying their child to a toboggan hill and having a conversation involving a teachable moment? It sounds like one of those highly suspect Hallmark movies I tell you. Next you will tell me that it was rounded out at home by sharing a laugh over lentil soup!

            I’m teasing (sort of). It sounds lovely. A simple day to one is the stuff of dreams for others. You both now have that quiet, drama free memory to share. These are the moments you’ve been working hard towards, and there will be many more.

            I see you as cautious about relationships rather than negative, and that’s a good approach. I realize I was fast-forwarding a bit in wanting empaths to expect and accept rather than just give, but I do realize it takes time and practice given our nature. It’s what I want for you all though.

          11. WhoCares says:

            Pahaha! “Next you will tell me that it was rounded out at home by sharing a laugh over lentil soup!”

            Uh-oh, what if I were to tell you that trips to the toboggan hill are usually followed by hot cocoa with snowman marshmallows? Cue the too loud Hallmark movie music…

        2. Violetta says:

          NarcAngel:

          Lentils ….

          1. WhoCares says:

            Hello Violetta,

            Re: Lentils ….
            There is a backstory but I forget where exactly.

      3. Lorelei says:

        Notme—It’s validating to hear another person say they still cringe and probably won’t admit to most of it—re, what was tolerated. I remember the insanity and brushing it aside. I see it in my close friend who actually told me yesterday she feels like she has to stay with someone abusing her frankly—just because it is an alternative to being alone. It’s crazy that a very attractive woman that is educated is settling to stay with someone that is blatantly devaluing her. BUT no crazier than I was to stay with someone who did what he did and displayed all of what he was and is. I have to be almost grateful that it was as awful as it was. I never would have gotten the kick in the ass I needed from my other relationships to have to do what I’m doing now because there were respite periods from the devaluation cycle. I was pretty much held under water for a very long time so when I popped up I had a very insatiable desire to make changes. I do believe there is value to what compels forward movement so I’m hoping the anger is naturally depleted eventually, and replaced permanently with gratitude for what is necessary. I have glimpses at times but it’s not sustained. I am not sure when or if nothingness happens. I guess it’s ok if it never occurs because what happened will never again be replaced with an abusive relationship. At least not for more than one day! Imagine HG weaponizing all these empaths and getting booted out the door mid-way through a date where he pisses off an informed consumer of his work!! Talk about full circle!

        1. Notme! says:

          It is hard to admit much of it Lorelei and I bet it’s that way for many of us. That it was new to me (first Narc) doesn’t help any.
          He may not have been violent but he put me in harm’s way more than once and if a friend of mine were ever to tell me that someone treated them that way, I’d be outraged on their behalf. Best wishes to you x

          1. Lorelei says:

            Ugh—I know.. I’m taking him out of the photo albums today, I’m frustrated by how infused he is in our history. Pictures everywhere. Maybe if I were less somatic there would be fewer pics! This is taking forever. It’s like pulling weeds. Unfortunately my abs looked really good in some of our photos that are getting tossed!

    2. BL says:

      You hit the mark, AnneB. My narc went from texting me 24/7 to ignoring me for days on end literally overnight, so I would ask him what was wrong. His response was always something like, “I’m sorry you feel neglected”. In the moment I took it as an apology, but I hadn’t read it properly. He was “sorry” I felt that way, but he wasn’t sorry for anything he was doing, which would explain why nothing changed after I confronted him. You’re right, they feel no guilt. I’m totally with you on understanding it, but not really “getting” it.

      1. Notme! says:

        Those lame pretend apologies!!!!
        – I’m sorry you feel that way
        – I understand you’re not happy with me and I regret that
        – I seem to have gotten the humour wrong and I regret that it caused you offence
        – Saying sorry won’t help this, I assure you I’ll do better
        – It’s unfortunate that you feel anxious, if I contributed to it, I apologise
        – Instead of saying saying sorry, I’d rather discuss a practical way forward.

        Oh DO Fuck off!!

        1. AnneB says:

          BL, Notme! On the topic of apologies, sincere or otherwise, my ex never said sorry about anything hurtful he did, big or small, not once. No blame shift apologies (e.g.sorry you feel that way but…) and no excuse/poor me apologies (e.g.sorry about that, I was feeling tired). I think I am beginning to understand that to do so for him (from his perspective) would mean (a) he has accepted a criticism that a particular behaviour was ‘wrong’, and/or (b) he has accepted that my/another’s feelings matter to an equal extent as his own. To apologise basically meant a relinquishment of control and an offense to his specialness and superiority. Just goes to show the complete falseness of that infamous rubbish of a platitude “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. That is complete fallacy for anyone who is capable of love. For my ex was the correct idiom was “Control means never having to say you’re sorry”.

          1. BL says:

            AnneB, after about 4 months post golden period I decided to just come out and ask my narc where we stood and he actually said, “I’m sorry you feel we have to decide on these things”. What a f*cking joke. He was only ever sorry for my feeling a certain way, never for being an a-hole. I don’t know if that is any better than just NOT saying sorry. Either way, you’re right, it’s all control.

          2. AnneB says:

            BL, You’re right, your e.g.is worse than not saying sorry because your e.g. is not even an apology! Your e.g. is a passive aggressive manipulation of the term “sorry” by the N. He used the word sorry to make you feel bad for enquiring about the status/nature of your relationship and to deflect from having a convo about it.

            1) You ask “where do we stand?”; 2) He receives that as a demand and a criticism and therefore as a threat to his control; 3) He therefore manipulates by saying to you “I’m sorry you feel we have to decide….” (sub-text: it must feel bad (lame attempt at CE) to have to ask this when it is unnecessary; I feel sorry for you (fake pity) because you feel it is necessary; you were wrong to raise the matter),

            It is a kind of blame shift (in his head he instinctively blames you for attempting to lessen his control – unfortunately you have no idea what you are being blamed for or even that you are being blamed). It is also a deflection, perhaps that is mostly what it is, ie. with the “I’m sorry you feel…” response, N can move the convo on to the subject of why you found it necessary to raise the question. That way he gets to deflect from the actual point of your question and then he can start criticising you for raising it.

            Passive aggressive mid-range bastard.

          3. AnneB says:

            In the wider picture, he gets to deflect from being accountable in the relationship.

          4. Kim e says:

            AnneB
            When I asked the last time I saw him “ where does it leave us?” I got big puppy dog eyes and a shoulder shrug. He couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a bs answer.

          5. BL says:

            AnneB, actually the really worst part of it was that I was SO happy he responded and wasn’t mad at me for asking, that I ended up apologizing! 😂

          6. AnneB says:

            BL, I know it! I did the same on many occasions after becoming confused by Ex’s manipulations. I’ve just been listening to “Did the N mean anything he said?”. I’m pretty much done here for today. I need a break, my ET’s going through the roof (all part of the process). ;-0.

        2. Intrepid Traveller says:

          Counsellors have a lot to answer for for these apology statements ‘I’m sorry you are feeling…X.” must be a narc’s favourite invented sentence that they can use tirelessly for not being accountability.

  5. Dorion says:

    Never feeling like smashing the alarm in the morning and escaping the day? Hmm… where do I sign up?

    Is this emotional detachment truly the result of the emotions never developing – how can we test that looking at an adult only? There are many people whose memories of their childhood are very hazy and the detachment is more a result of various levels and types of dissociation, not so much the feelings never existing. The feelings are isolated, bottled up, and can sometimes come out in really odd ways and times. I personally have serious doubts that anyone can survive well if they truly lack feelings of fear and joy, for example. Especially someone who is quite high functioning and successful in life. Maybe they just don’t register so much and are pushed back (unconsciously or consciously) in awareness and/or the person prefers the more rational cognitive processes, focuses on those more and regards emotions as inferior at least somewhat.

    There has been a lot of fascinating neuroscience work on how emotions are absolutely necessary for appropriate, realistic decision making processes and an intact sense of self. One of the pioneers of this field is consciousness researcher Antonio Damasio, who wrote a few books about it and also has a TED talk. Of course there is the old concept that part of the core of narcissism is a problems with the sense of self, that it had never developed properly, and thus the person struggles with identity (including emotional identity) life-long. They rely on external examples to adopt and build a sense of self (I think this is also part of HG’s Prime Aims if I understand correctly). It is interesting though if the positive feelings cannot be picked up and integrated similarly other than as a source of fuel, although it is not entirely abnormal in my opinion because everyone requires some kind of “fuel” for motivation. That’s one reason why persistent social isolation can be so detrimental on pretty much everyone with a relatively intact brain. I’ve experienced the harmful effects of self-imposed isolation on and off since my early childhood because I am so prone to withdrawing and living in my head (and now on the internet). It usually feels good in the moment and I had to do a lot of self work to make myself recognize the pull before the consequences take a toll. So in this context, I actually sometimes feel that I can learn something from narcissists that are so adept at using their social environment. Of course that’s another extreme. The common theme though is an element of emotional detachment, but with different sources I believe.

  6. Healing Victim says:

    Sir Tudor…..It has been a few Years since I have been on here…I see your still insightful chatty with your thoughts…Do you ever think..it is a ~Luxury~ To be a Narcissist or have a Narcissist in your life…AS I could never See what happened to me…and all my Narcissist Victims…Having this happen to US in a poor Country….You would NOT have the Time or Luxury of this Drama….MY past Narcissist has seems to be keeping a low profile Since Him I have had to deal with Other Traumas in my life…Having the Trauma with him…seems to have helped me deal with the other things…WHERE I seem to be more numb of going emotionally crazy…Help with therapy Drug Doctor Xanax and Welburten..Some Happy Hours…I CAN NOT LIE…AND NO NO NO Relationships….I am all Trauma out…I just have my moments of Sadness and Cry…BUT I have Changed of HOW I see and live in the World…..My Past Narc must found a new way of getting his drug of playing with many women at once….So I just check in at times on the internet…AS he is all over it…NO Comments in a few years…NO writings of his side either..I look to see if He died or is suffering of a painful disease…I and another of his victims…check in sometimes with each other…But he has bored me….I guess having a Narcissist in The White House is even more fun…NOT sure…what is going to happen…BUT man he is not doing to good these days @@SO ON THIS PIECE YOU WROTE@@ What I am asking or Saying is probably nothing new to you…But Humor me….Why do you want to live ?? ARE YOU Scared of What happens when you die??? The unknown…AS there is NO control there…AS Narcissist must have Control. I myself have too many feeling at time…and I just want God to take me…It seems To have None is even worse… You are living in your own world lonely…..of not connecting YOU don’t have True Friends…You do NOT Connect with your Kind, AS it is Compensation. YOU just fake things so you can get fuel drug….And the Games you play for Fucked up amusement….I tell People The difference between a Messed up Broken Person AND a Narcissist..IS A Messed Up person Doesn’t wake up and THINK WHO AM I GOING TO FUCK WITH TODAY…. Narcs HAVE A BLACK 🖤💔🖤💔 HEART AND NO SOUL…A NARCISSIST HAS INTENT TO HURT, TO GET EMOTIONS OUT OF FAKING TO CARE…OR TO TAKE AWAY THE FAKE CARE of Their Victims and See the Victims, HAPPY GOES TO HURT…BUT THERE YOU ARE DRUGS FOR THE NARCISSIST…NARCISSIST ARE NOT FROM GOD…THEY ARE THE EVIL THAT PLAGUES EARTH….Born with a Missing Humanity Switch Like The one Occupying the white house…and all his flying monkeys around him…under his spell….There are a Lot of Super Nova Empaths,,,,Where The whole experience living hell with a Narcissist….Has made them into Warriors…We are NOT so happy as we see the World full of Fakness of a cosmetic life on Earth…Especially America…BUT then there are the times you are drawn to a broken soul you want to help…OR you see a wicked Soul and YOU Cut through their bullshit…AS do NOT fuck with me…I have been to hell and back and I can see right through you…One of my jobs is working with the public…I have regular customers….Some I see a lot other here and there…I always wonder…Which one is the Psychopathy who has murder or sex with a kid or a hidden room of kidnapped girls. The ones that seem normal can be the Criminals…And the weird one are just awkward and not friendly seeing me over and over…Or I wonder What do they do for work…So many Hmmmmm. BUT I exchange energy with these people regularly…AND there are times I feel SICK EVIL ENERGY SCAMMING FOR ATTENTION TO SUCK SOME LIFE OUT OF SOMEONE AS ME…AND i JUST LOOK THEM DEEP IN THEIR EYES AS A WAR WITH THE SOULS AND THEY BACK OFF…That is HOW I know I have change…I am hurt sad tired burn’t out…BUT never again will someone have power over me, in a physic exchange of energy…Hmmmm I feel like I unloaded a lot of shit….I am sure a lot of you have it too inside…Survival Peace and Blessing to all of us 2020

  7. WiserNow says:

    The importance of emotions or feelings in all humans is generally underestimated, I think. I don’t actually believe that narcissists lack emotions or even have fewer emotions. I think they either repress or suppress them or have learned or been conditioned or have personally chosen (consciously or unconsciously) to express or inhibit them in different ways. Defense strategies, for both narcissists and empaths, are based on emotions.

    From what I have experienced in the narcissists I’ve known, they have been just as ’emotional’, sometimes instinctively or compulsively so, as anyone else. They are not as receptive to other people in the same way as highly sensitive or empathic people are, and this can be seen in less facial affect or expressiveness, less reciprocity, and more competitiveness. However, they process, or react to, their emotions to the same extent but express the reactive results of their emotions differently.

    One thing that is true, is that narcissists don’t feel the effects of sadness or joy or reverence in the same way when it comes to things that are emotionally moving, like a beautiful sunset, or soothing piece of music, or inspiring spiritual experience, for example. These kinds of emotional experiences seem to be lost on them, for some reason, or they repress their feelings about them.

    Recently, I watched a documentary on the effects of segregation (solitary confinement) in prisons (‘Last Days of Solitary’ – PBS International). It was very interesting regarding the devastating mental effects of long periods of segregation.

    Briefly, the effects of forced solitary confinement on a person can permanently change their brain for the worse. Prisoners who went through long term segregation were overwhelmingly mentally changed afterwards. They behaved like caged animals – pacing up and down or doing other repetitive and compulsive actions, screaming or being explosively aggressive and violent, and self-harming including cutting or seriously injuring themselves. Then, when coming out of segregation into social conditions again, they couldn’t tolerate the stimulative effects of being around people or in busier environments because they had become oversensitive to such stimulation. They craved going back in solitary again.

    The documentary also showed the effects of mental health practitioners forming compassionate connections and ongoing relationships with these same prisoners and giving them stimulating cognitive exercises to do which relieved boredom and gave them a sense of autonomy and control. These changes resulted in much better emotional regulation and behaviour.

    I believe emotions are at the heart of these behaviours and changes. An individual’s sense of control, autonomy, connectedness and safety are all emotion-based. Narcissists are no different.

    Segregation in prisons is a very extreme form of what happens when humans are isolated, however, less human contact and socialisation in normal everyday society may have a much less extreme but underlying similar effect on human emotions in general.

    1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dearest WiserNow,
      Oh my goodness ! You’re spot on !
      I’m seeing this with “our dear ol friend” in his aged care facility
      I mean … he has old age memory loss more than anything
      He feels he’s been manipulated into his new environment and refers to it as jail and the inmates
      He’s very much a “people person” and is feeling quite isolated against society
      We have seen quite a deterioration in his demeanour
      All the other residents are mentally worse, some showing signs of huge hostility and throwing verbal abuse to the carers (we witnessed this yesterday as we sat with our dear ol friend over dinner)
      Our deal ol friend is feeling extremely isolated and alone, yet scared for us to take him out for a “real” coffee
      There is little fuel for him where he is and it’s killing him
      He wants to die and he’s thought many times of suicide !
      When we visit him …. you can see the change immediately ….he’s happy !
      Thank you for that great information WiserNow…. I can totally relate and it’s very real !
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. WiserNow says:

        Thank you Bubbles! ..and you’re very welcome.

        Whenever I watch a documentary or film about human character or social conditions or behaviours etc, I relate it back to narcsite and what HG writes about. I find that gaining more understanding about all these aspects is useful.

        I’m not surprised your dear ol friend feels like he’s in a prison. When you think about it, he’s getting older and more forgetful and frail and that’s difficult enough to deal with. Add that to being taken out of your own home where you felt free and safe and private enough to relax and be yourself. And then, you’re stuck in there with a bunch of other oldies that you don’t know well and you hardly see or speak with anyone else. When you put all of those things together, an elderly people’s home would be a nightmare for anyone.

        Thanks again for your message Bubbles, and I hope things are safe and not too hot where you are xx😘

    2. alexissmith2016 says:

      This is interesting WN. I was literally thinking about this the other day in particular about Terry Waite. I wondered how Waite copied being held in solitary confinement for many years and it lead me to thinking who would find solitary confinement more difficult, I would imagine an N because of their need for fuel.

      It is fairly commonly known that 15% of the prison population are psychopaths and I would imagine a significant proportion of the remainder are Ns. Your comment intrigued me WN, I do rather wonder if what you mention re the prisoners behaviour would happen to everyone? or is this a sign that the creature had taken over?

      With regards to documentarys I caught a little of The Yorkshire Ripper documentary. I was of course very interested in the man behind these sickening murders. What also interested me was ‘Wearside Jack, this was the nickname of a man, John Humble who pretended to be the Yorkshire Ripper by sending hoax calls and letters to the police. What interested me about this was I presume Wearside Jack was a mid who believed he was a greater. His desire to be in the limelight, threats, scaring people, basking in the (what he would perceive as glory of the Ripper. Probably wishing he was capable of being The Ripper himself.

      HG why do these mids so desperately wish they could be more evil than they are capable of? Why not just be more evil? I mean, I’m very pleased that they’re not. But what halts it?

      1. WiserNow says:

        alexissmith2016,
        (By the way, your reply isn’t showing on the narcsite website or in the comments section of wordpress, for some reason. I am replying to you through my notifications on wordpress, where I am able to see your reply and respond.)

        I find the effects of solitary confinement interesting too alexissmith2016. Even while watching the documentary, it was evident that some of the prisoners in the solitary cell block that was being filmed were not behaving like caged animals, while some were behaving very much like that. Not all of the prisoners were behaving in a manic, self-harming, or attention-seeking way. However, the documentary didn’t focus at all on why there were these differences. There was no mention made of the individual prisoners’ possible psychopathy or other mental disorders. The focus was on the effects of solitary as though these effects were the same across all inmates.

        You have mentioned Terry Waite, who was in solitary confinement for many years and still retained his sanity and was even able to write a very popular book about his experiences afterwards. It’s funny you mention that, because while watching the documentary, I had a passing thought about Nelson Mandela and I wondered to myself how he managed to stay sane and focused on his political beliefs and ideals while locked away in solitary for many years too. So, there is a difference between different people. Not all people are affected equally.

        The documentary also focused on a particular handful of prisoners over time. These men were the ones who behaved in the most uncontrollable ways.

        While filming one of these prisoners being forcibly carried out by a group of prison guards wearing full riot gear to protect themselves, the filmmakers filmed another prisoner in a cell nearby who was lying on his bed reading a book. They also filmed one other prisoner who was standing at his cell door watching and this prisoner quite calmly and reasonably said, “this is what happens when you lock people away like this. They become monsters. You create monsters.” That made me think that, “well you don’t seem to be a monster. You seem to be looking on and able to reasonably behave and comment on it all.”

        So, it was interesting. Solitary confinement probably has a detrimental effect on all people in some way, but the explosive, self-harming, out of control, pleading, attention-seeking behaviours seem to be most evident in some and not all.

      2. HG Tudor says:

        Lack of ability, cowardice, facade management.

  8. Hope says:

    I remember a time when I told a bard that he should feel more. Just get in the moment, enjoy it, and don’t think so much. He told me I was wrong and that I needed to feel less and think more. What a foreshadowing to the truth I now know!!

    “Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity.”—-this is what I tell myself when tempted to dance with the Devil 👿 😈 (i.e. a narc).

  9. cogra002 says:

    Although the person who cares the least has all the power, imho, you’re missing a big part of the human experience. It’s like missing part of the rainbow of life or something. Or only seeing the blues and purples , only hearing one octave of music, seeing in black and white and not knowing colors. My opinion.

  10. HeyBeautiful says:

    You believe all empaths feel happy?
    Seek out happiness? Rate happiness or hope others become more like the empath?
    Nope.
    That’d be annoying, not empathetic.

    We feel. It’s not always happy. We feel compassion.

  11. surfinsybil says:

    Well HG, I’m not sure what happened. I took the time to send a lengthy comment and when I submitted it, it disappeared. Went to spam maybe? I’ve not had trouble before. Just wondering.

  12. Pingback: The Narcissist and Feelings ⋆ NarcTopia
  13. BL says:

    Actually, what is pretty interesting is this quote, “is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency?” The only time I feel that way is when I have an interaction with my narc. I plan things out so they go perfectly and I feel joy in the moment if all goes ok, but no matter what, the moment is fleeting and I usually feel empty afterwards because I know my joy is based on a lie.
    Outside of him, I feel joy in the everyday efforts… for example, a lot of effort went into buying presents for everyone at xmas. The moment of them opening the gifts is fleeting, but the joy in their excitement (especially my kids) remains. If I wake up early to catch a sunrise, effort went into waking up and getting to a place to enjoy that fleeting moment of brilliance in the sky, but I don’t feel sad when it’s gone. I cherish the memory and I’m glad I saw it.

  14. santaann1964 says:

    Very deep Mr.H but not many of the Scenarios apply to me. Actually some made me mad 😡. Others not so much.

  15. Tammy says:

    I agree narcissists are powerful, specifically the greaters and maybe even mid-rangers. It saddens me that it comes at the expense of others. Just like narcissists didn’t choose to not have feelings, empaths also didn’t choose to have them. Makes for quite the unfortunate dance.

    1. Lorelei says:

      Tammy—even sadly when under the sphere of influence of a lesser they can be quite powerful to those they hurt. The power is in the hurt they cause. I think of the tirades that must be really frightening for kids with a step dad or family member.. My kids aren’t afraid of their father because there is no physical violence—it was all directed psychologically to me. Narcissists just rely on different behaviors to generate compliance from their targets. I am certain that much of my own pain was from the lesser son of a baby sitter as a young child. Then more from a likely mid- range father, mid range spouses, etc. All different flavors of misery which culminated into the messy me and how I ended up here!

    2. ANM says:

      Tammy,
      A Lesser who inherited/conned people for money, like my daughters father, is a recipe for disaster. They can come off as Greaters on paper because they love to punish, and can seem calculated in doing so, but they are not. They are dangerous because they will pay to burn the ship to take their enemies down, even if they are one of the passengers.

      1. Tammy says:

        Lorelei and AMN, I did not mean to imply lessers are not powerful in the damage they cause. My last narc was likely a lesser and turned my world into a complete nightmare. Looking back at my comment it was probably in reference to my ex lesser N and how I see him today. How he sees himself as all-important and entitled yet cannot get or hold a job, always lives with/off others, so how I see him now is pathetic and not the important, powerful person HE perceives himself to be.

  16. DoForLuv says:

    I really enjoy my happiness I’am 99% off my day it makes me feel alive and it lifts many people around me up . I don’t have to do much to achieve this i’am naturally a happy person . I like my sadness too every emotion I really appreciate It , it learns me to heal to love appreciate to share to grow to be humble more connected the list can go on .

    Most of us try to lose all the negative “traits” and your kind is actually living on these traits in a much extremer fashion , yet believe to be deserving /owning off all our emotional sensations . This keeps me so interested ! The difference off human species . Thank you for your open and honest information HG .

    1. surfinsybil says:

      HG, your thoughts about the weakness of feelings is very descriptive of my experiences. Having always unknowingly danced with narcissists for my entire adult life, I felt like personal happiness and contentment were missing. I felt that others had it… but I was condemned not to. I saw my emotions as a weakness, but I didn’t know how to change myself.

      Then many years ago, observing others, I realized that those positive and gentle emotions took strength to exhibit. They were not a sign of a weak character. So, I strove to develop the inner strength to exhibit those emotions without fear. And, of course that became a beacon for narcissists. So, I worked harder to develop an inner strength to rise above the abuses of others and not allow their efforts to change me. Yes, I continued to let them affect my livelihood, but my knowledge and strength grew. These experiences were like a hard stone… allowing me to sharpen my blade while my armor strengthened. I took those stones thrown at me and benefited from them.

      Then on Sept. 23, 2019, the light switch flipped. I was finally pushed too far by a mid-range and I discovered the truth about this thing called narcissism. In an instant, the desires for happiness and peace with someone special, vanished. I felt at peace for the first time in my life. I waded through misinformation for about a week until I discovered you. I knew in an instant that you knew what you were talking about. I had lived those words.

      You have reinforced my knowledge that my emotions are a good thing… but you also help me see that they need to be protected from those who will abuse them. Just like your lack of certain emotions… and your negative emotions allows you to achieve much as a narcissist, I can use my strong positive ones to achieve much for myself and others too. Yes, it’s a long time coming for me to learn this… and my body and mind are battle worn, but it’s never too late to work towards a better life. As DoForLuv said, thanks for your open and honest information. You have given,.. and will continue to give to me, the tools and knowledge that I need to achieve real progress in my life.

      As always, sending my love and fuel.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome.

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