The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist
You know that No Contact is the key to beating the narcissist, but how does it affect the narcissist?
This Logic Bulletin explains to you what happens when you impose your No Contact Regime and how you can expect the narcissist to respond.
It covers Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists in fascinating detail.
How does the narcissist feel?
What happens if you tip-off the narcissist that you are leaving him or ending the relationship?
What happens to the narcissist if you end the relationship and say nothing?
How does the narcissist respond?
What do you need to look out for in terms of common errors which will prejudice your no contact regime and place you at risk?
What will the narcissist do by way of response, so you can ascertain how to avoid this?
The content of this Logic Bulletin will give you these answers and more so you can build your Logic Defences and understand what will happen when you impose no contact now or in the future.
58 thoughts on “The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist”
Last night I read this article before I went to bed, and dreamed of the Narc. In the dream he called me, and pulled the full on, weepy, ploys for sympathy, and tried to turn it around on me, even though he’s the one who discarded me. Which is how I’m sure it would be in real life. In the past when he had done similar things, I would always be there for the sympathy, fake apology hoovers, and he’d go right back to the crappy behavior almost immediately. I bet he’s kicking himself now for letting go of an easy fuel supply.
Funny, in the dream I also was trying on these huge bathing suits, which ended up being too tight, so my winter weight gain worked it’s way into the dream too (haha). My psyche working itself out, reminding me to keep everything blocked, stay the hell away from him at all costs, and focus on me (get back in shape, etc).
Dream? The hoover and bathing suit combo seems more the stuff of nightmares. Lay off whatever you snacked on or watched before bed haha.
I guess it was sort of a nightmare, wasn’t it! 😬
My mid ranger husband stayed out all nite again w no explanation or remorse – saying he’s sick today due to something he ate and didn’t work as he’s looking for an apartment BUT I can come and see where he’s staying and he would put away his golf for the season (every time he golfs he doesn’t come home though there s a huge history of abandonment and refusal to come home – i I have no proof of infidelity I bet it’s happening). Im sick today I can’t deal anymore with the mind games and insanity and disrespect- How do you do no contact if you own a home and I can’t leave due to abandonment in eyes of legal?
Hire a Private Eye is my answer.
I have a feeling HG’s would involve a consultation.
Lost all my confidence in what I do.
Im having a bad few days. Been proper no contact for 1 month. Then I get a message from a new phone number asking if I’d like some part time work. Also saying he hates me ghosting him.
I replied saying it’s not ghosting. It’s not all about him.
Now I feel silly for replying and all my thoughts are flooding in and I think about how he tricked me for so many years but still wish I could be with him and wonder what he’s doing.
Going to order this.
Jolly good. Remember, there was a breach of no contact. It is done and cannot be undone, but it can be improved on. Focus on starting no contact again, recognise that those thoughts are emotional thinking and because it has spiked this is the effect. Utilise “The Final Battle” (see Knowledge Vault) to help you and reduce your ET so those feelings fade. It will pass through applying no contact once again.
HG, if there is a breach of No Contact, does that mean one goes back to Square One?
What do you understand “Square One” to be, Lisk?
That all the No Contact work one has done was for naught. That the narcissist has been refueled by the breach and the victim/protagonist has to start all over again.
Something like that.
Thank you for clarifying.
No, it is not all done for nothing.
1. You have acquired logic.
2. You have applied logic.
3. You will learn from the error.
4. You have witnessed the effect of Emotional Thinking and/or the method of hoovering of the narcissist – use that.
5. You may have thought the narcissist would never bother you again and he or she has – learn from that.
6. You will have increased your ET through the breach, but it is unlikely have sent it to pre-no contact levels.
7. Yes, you may well have provided fuel to the narcissist which increases the risk of no contact, therefore manage that risk by tightening your No Contact Regime.
Accordingly, the breach is to be frowned upon BUT it is not like you have tumbled all the way back down to the base of the hill and have to start climbing again.
That’s quite a thorough and motivating answer. Thank you, HG.
I hope Em sees it!
You are welcome.
Thanks Lisk. I saw and it helped! X
Quite an awesome and motivating answer. I hope Em sees it!
Totally great answer. It can feel like the cycle starting again like before I had awareness but it is not like that I’ve realised. I have learned. And I just get back on the wagon and start again but not from the beginning, just from where I fell off. Thanks HG. Not so gloomy when looked at this way.
You are welcome.
Thank you HG
I’m sorry to hear what you’re experiencing presently, but just as you made that no contact for a month you will make another month, and then another until you have your full confidence back. You do know what he’s doing – he’s manipulating you and trying to drain you of your confidence because it threatens his control. Being with him means losing your confidence and being controlled. That is not love Em and you know that. I’m glad you came here to express how you feel. We are listening. Start no contact again.
NarcAngel thanks so much. Yes I know he’s trying to drain me when I look at it in the daylight. I guess these feelings are me rebelling from the control too. Now I feel he has the upper hand coz he has not replied – unless I wounded him. And I’m still curious about his new venture. It will fall apart at some point.
Thank you for your support. So helpful to be able to off load here. Back to NC.
He loves my reaction to what he’s doing. He will love to dangle the carrot and whip it away.
The carrot doesn’t exist if you don’t see it.
The mythical carrot! I’m in a better place. Can turn it around more quickly these days. I don’t want to see the carrot now. X
Woot! That’s the KTN spirit!
Maybe now, instead of the carrot, you choose what you want to see?
Thank you I’ll try every day x
Hi Em, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this pain. You are not silly, you are empathetic. As for wanting to be with him, I truly believe this is only enduring desire to obtain what you once believed was real and possible. You fell in love with an illusion, but that is not the man. He simply cannot be what he chose to project. He is bound to something that will forever be very different from what you truly desire. You desire and deserve far more.
The problem with the fabulous golden period is it triggers a literal drug response in the mind (release of phenylethamine, dopamine, oxytocin and more). These occurrences create strong and enduring neural pathways and cause you repeatedly seek your desired pleasure response. The mind craves these “hits,” second only to avoidance of pain (survival instincts). The process is unavoidable, but is manageable and will lessen over time after you cease contact.
So when your memories of those treasured experiences are triggered, *immediately* cause yourself to remember his lack of empathy, his lies, the zero-sum games, the silent treatments, and all of his other abusive patterns. Make a mental choice that you do not want him; the negative cannot be separated from the (perceived) positive.
The problem with narcissists is, the returns are diminishing and any upside is fleeting before the downside returns. The math involved in fuel acquisition always works against any sustained positive outcome (for the empath) in a relationship. So please continue to opt out. Choose you instead. Go do something lovely for yourself and recommit to no contact. You can do this. I’m pulling for you.
Have you considered purchasing Zero Impact? It made such a difference for me and I believe it would for you too.
“The problem with narcissists is, the returns are diminishing and any upside is fleeting before the downside returns.”
THIS. Absolutly this.
Very well said.
Thank you, Renarde.
FYC thank you. Such a helpful letter.
Im feeling a little better today. I hate how easily I can slip back.
How I want to take that olive branch from him but know how it is dripping with poison.
Thanks for your support.
Everyone talks about how bad the narcissist is. Everyone says, Run away! , from them. While I agree that these are some very dangerous people, I feel that if we All got together and prayed for these people as much as we reject and bash them, it would greatly benefit both the narcissist and their victims. What else should we do? .Should we just put them All together on an island and forget about them.? .These people are mentally challenged,in a lot of cases, full of all kinds of spirits, this is why we can’t reach them. You can’t counsel the devil, you have to cast the devil out.
Are we saying they don’t deserve to be loved? We need to be taught how to love the unlovable, because it seems that, is just what they are, unlovable. The way we learn this is through the word of God. Through prayer. We claim they can’t love, cant’t feel empathy and such, why then, would we charge them for their behavior? Would we treat a handicap or mentally retarded child or adult like that? What would happen if we all left them and ran away?
Why are Narcissist treated so differently when they fit into the same mentally challenged category?
1. Vickie, I removed your surname from your blog name.
2. I went to a church school and people prayed for me daily. It did not work. No contact is far more effective.
3. It is an inaccurate comparison between a handicapped child and a narcissist. Narcissism is not a handicap, nor it is being mentally challenged.
You’re right prayer doesn’t work.. try witchcraft
Purchase a smokey quartz crystal, believed to absorbed negative energy. Every evening prick your finger and wipe the blood on the gemstone and call upon your most benevolent ancestors to help you conquer the creature. Afterwards leave an offering by the crystal (a glass of wine, a mango, incense whatever)
Do this for 7 days and see how you feel
I’ll stick with charm, magnetism and malice.
Well I just thought, mix it up a little, try something new, but suit yourself
I invariably do but thank you.
Love the cut of your jib there but…isnt a mango quite oddly specific?
Funnily enough, I do have some mango in and a massive piece of smoky.
I may try this
I said mango because it’s obviously the best fruit, no one can fight me on this
Stand down lovely. No need for fisticuffs!
I do love a mango but they are tres fiddly.
Can I proffer a strawberry or a raspberry? I do like summer fruits.
mango is challenging to eat clean so I just let it get all over my face and hands and end up looking like a vegan predator.
I love all the berries too
You forgot the eye of newt and a bats wing. That should do the trick
Daily Mail reader response to an article on getting better sleep:
“Turmeric at 6pm then apple cider vinegar at 8 a run at 9 then 2 glasses of water before bed, throw a chicken in the air, hop on 1 foot for 5 mins, kick the dog down the stairs, unpick the cat from the curtains … yeah that works.”
Violetta. I am off to get a dog. I have everything else. I’ll let you know how it works if I wake up that is
Thanks for the tip😳😳
Please don’t kick the dog, Kim e!
Seriously, what I love about that comment is how it starts off perfectly normal (as New Agey advice goes) before it turnss surreal.
I’m also puzzled because the writer never specified whether the chicken to be thrown in the air had to be fresh, frozen, or live.
I find that prayer works better for the one praying rather than the one prayed for. My grandma was religious and wanted me to pray for my dad. Did not work.
People pray because it makes them feel better, like they are doing something to help when there is nothing really they can do. It also works to comfort those around them. ‘Pray for the victims and their loved ones, etc.’ because we can’t bring them back.
God gave free will and so use that free will to remain no contact.
No one is stopping anyone from praying for Narcissists. Just don’t give them the keys to your house or car, or any ID numbers.
And you don’t have to tell them you’re praying for them. If prayer is indeed effective, it can’t be a placebo that works only if they know about it, plus it’s an excuse to break No Contact.
Some people are best loved from a distance.
You raise really good philosophical points here. Whilst I do not ascribe to your ‘Sky God’, I do, as a Priestess understand your sentiment.
Should we attempt to love the unlovable? People who have wrecked and destroyed lives. Over and over again.
Three examples. A guy in Oz who burned his wife and three children in a car before plunging a knife into his own chest.
A younger man in NZ who brutally rapes and murders a woman. Leaves the body in the room whilst attempting to hook up with others. Finally buried her in a suitcase in the woods.
Weinstein. Enough said.
Should I as Priestess, pray for these men? No I will not. Were they mentally ill? No, they were not. I will give my energy to the survivours.
Are you seriously saying as presumably a Christian, that you would pray for them? Personally, I would only pray for those with a chance of redeeming themselves in THIS life.
What do you think?
I vote for a Narc Island, perhaps a show with HG as invisible host.
HG is this more for IPPS rather than IPSS’s of any type?
It applies to IPSS also, just dialled down slightly.
HG. I get the dialed down aspect but I find it very hard to believe that a preventative hoover would be done on a DLS if the DLS told an umrn she was done. Yea. Part of the matrix and easier than ensnaring another but I just can’t see them putting out the energy
Not a lot of energy expenditure if the DLS is stood in front of the narcissist, Kim. Sure, the narcissist is less inclined to drive across the state to effect a Preventative Hoover in person, but may do so through text messages and telephone calls. Remember, the departure of any appliance from the fuel matrix wounds and the initial response is to prevent it.
HG. I guess that is what all the no caller ID calls were.
It happens to DLS.
Em. Hello. What happens to DSL? Had you told him in person? Text? Just disappeared?
Thanks for the input 😀
Hi Kim I told him several times mainly by text. I always got preventative hoovers by text and phone and once on my doorstep. I was so weak at this point I let him in. I’ve also gone no contact just as HG recommends. No explanation. I’ve had cards of apology through my door hand delivered.
But on the times I’ve gone ba k it’s been like nothing is there it’s like jelly slipping through a fork. The charm turns off and the mask slips. I get crumbs. It’s like he can take his foot off the pedal coz I’m back in the box.
Currently on NC – no sex or proper contact for 18 months. Some blips where he has found a way through with the odd text or appearance at the door but generally fairly proud of my efforts.
Just remember it’s a black hole. An empty space.
Kim e, You know it happened to me (SIPSS). I told him I was done by email. IGH followed, I responded, things then dragged out for months until the wounding and I found HG.