Is He Alone Now?


You have been discarded or perhaps you have succeeded and escaped our grip. You cannot help still but wonder what we are doing, especially if we have discarded you. The thoughts run through your mind repeatedly. What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Where has he been today? Why have I not heard from him? Why did he do that? What did I do wrong? A thousand and one questions which whirl around in your mind. This is always the case when you have been discarded and even when you made your escape the questions still come thick and fast because so much has not been explained or answered. Furthermore, as an empathic individual you cannot help but wonder what we are up to, what we are thinking and how we feel. It is an automatic response for someone like you and is part of the reason why you remain susceptible to a hoover. Sometimes you may be wondering how we are or how we are managing. You may hope that we are miserable and dejected by losing you. You engage in stalking our social media, driving by where we work or live, have friends ask what we are up to and you will try and contact us direct to try and establish what has happened (where there has been a discard). Whether you escaped or whether you were discarded there are several burning questions on your mind and one of those is; is he with someone else now? You do some snooping and detecting and the answer appears to be, yes, he is alone. There is no sign of a new significant other. There is no mention of a new girlfriend or partner and we have not been spotted with anybody else when we have been sighted around town. We appear to be alone. What does this mean?

          If this situation manifests with the Lesser Narcissist, one has to consider the position where there has been escape and where there has been discard. Those factors apply to two scenarios being in play. The first is the Lesser will be engaged in Bouncing. Addressing Bouncing following your escape first of all.

He will have a new primary source but he will not regard her as a girlfriend. She will in all likelihood be an inner or outer circle friend of the Lesser. This is especially likely where you have escaped. With no time available to put in place a replacement who has been cultivated, the Lesser will have erupted and then sought the nearest fuel solace. The easiest way for him to do this, rather than expend energy seducing somebody new and comparatively unknown or even unknown, would be for him to promote this secondary source into a primary. This person will be “comforting” the Lesser after his awful and terrible treatment at your hands. The Lesser however will not make it known that he as a new primary source because he will want to milk sympathy from onlookers and also use this sympathy to enable him to move to another friend who will offer him “comfort”. Very quickly he will move between these two (maybe more) appliances. One weekend the first person will be his primary source but not referred to as a girlfriend or such like. A few days later he will move to a different one. He has no issue with this. He is accountable to nobody. He has no need to announce the relationship since keeping it quiet affords him more opportunities for fuel.

In terms of Bouncing where there has been a discard, this happens where the Lesser is not completely satisfied that the primary source he was cultivating is embedded as he would like. You may well have been discarded because you failed to provide fuel and this failure is dramatic and took place before your replacement has been properly embedded. Accordingly, the Lesser will be hedging his bets by going between two potential primary sources, alternating between them until he decides which is best and which is embedded. Then he will make the announcements, but until that point he gives the appearance of being alone.

          The second scenario concerns Keeping It in the Family. This is often applicable to the Victim Narcissist. If you have escaped the Lesser, he may promote a family member to be primary source rather than promote an inner circle friend to an intimate partner. He turns to his mother or sister, wailing of his misfortune and how terribly he has been treated. He may move back to the childhood home and this is where he gains his fuel, all of the sympathetic mothering fuel. Hence he appears to have no intimate partner because there is not one. Even if there has been a discard, the Lesser may decide to Keep It in the Family by playing on his woes as he continues to cultivate quietly a prospective primary source.

With the Mid-Range when he appears to have no intimate partner and appears to be on his own, it is not the case. He will have a new intimate partner as a primary source but he does not want you to know about her. Not yet. This is applicable when there is both discard and escape. The Mid-Range, being the most passive-aggressive of the schools of narcissist may not have embedded his prospective primary source with the confidence he would prefer (especially if you escaped) and therefore lacking the raw aggression of the Lesser and the swaggering confidence of the Greater, he keeps a low profile until he is confident that there is a successful attachment. He does not want you knowing about this primary source for fear you may interfere and mess up this much needed source of fuel. It is only when he is confident that the attachment has been secured that he will engage in Relationship Bulletins and the like.

Turning to the Greater. Of all the schools of narcissism, the Greater is able to function for longer without a primary source than the Lesser or Mid-Range. This is because he has extensive secondary sources to whom he can turn. Thus his extensive social circle, loyal Lieutenants, devoted family and admirers who are jostling for position to be chosen as the new primary source will provide him with enough fuel to allow him to function. He will not be at the top of his game and would much prefer to have a primary source in place, but if you escaped and you have pushed the narcissist into Chaos Mode, he will be working to secure that primary source behind the scenes but is content to show that he “does not need anybody” in the meanwhile. Although the reality is he will be clamoring to find a new primary source, he does not want you thinking that. He will want you to think he remains aloof, self-sufficient and not making a bee-line for anybody who will have him. He can be choosier than that. He has standards. This is the appearance he wishes to project and to a degree it is true, but he cannot remain choosy for long, the demands of fuel are ever present and those secondary sources will only sustain him for so long.

          The bottom line is that a primary source is always needed by the Lesser and the Mid-Range, more or less immediately following escape or discard, because of the demands of fuel. It is only an appearance as to why the Lesser or Mid-Range seems single (save when he Keeps It in the Family). The Greater needs the primary source soon, but he can last for longer without one and will revel in demonstrating that to you by saying “I don’t need you or anybody in fact, I am my own man.” It is of course an artifice. The Greater needs his primary source just as much, he is just fortunate because of his grandiosity, magnetism and charm he has far more secondary sources to turn to.

12 thoughts on “Is He Alone Now?

  1. Stella says:

    What about cerebral narcissists that live alone and are really busy in med school? Would they need a primary source or would they get enough fuel from studying at a ivy league school?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Studying might provide Thought Fuel but that is weak and short-lived. Most Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists have primary sources, they are not always intimate and sometimes not always obvious (See the Veiled Primary Source).

  2. Ajh757 says:

    Question: why is disappearing or “storming out” in the middle of a rage or tantrum (or near the end of one) so common? It seems like staying would elicit more fuel. Why is it so common for the narcissist – particularly probably Lessers – to leave a fuel source in the middle of an argument? Is it the manner in which they storm out, leaving the victim confused, desperate, groveling and pining for answers and closure that creates more negative fuel for days? Mine would knee-jerk rage at me, devalue me ruthlessly, and then start getting his shoes on, grab his daughter (only 9 yrs old) and storm out of the house. I’d beg and plead for him to stay and resolve the argument (yeah right) until he’d come back, and then HE’D decide when it was over and then want to have sex, like it aroused him. There were times when he wouldn’t stay or come back or answer the phone for anywhere between 24-48 hrs. Once I got smart I stopped trying to beg and plead at all, and he’d eventually Hoover. But back to my original question, what’s with the storming out?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello AJH 757, the detailed answer to your question is contained in The Narcissist´s 3 Assertions of Control which you can find here

    2. Gina says:

      Mine would never end or leave an argument. He followed me around ruthlessly, even out to the car where I was trying to get away. I always had to end it, lots of times just walking away in frustration, completely exhausting.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Indeed and his following you was the assertion of co trip until your walking away signalled that control was now his

        1. Gina says:

          A CO trip, that’s funny. So control is his because he wore me down and I left? Does that mean when I escaped he also twisted that around to be his choice? That would be interesting because he told everyone I left him and how mean I was for lack of a better way to put it. “Poor me.” He cried to the kids saying, “mom wanted this I didn’t.” Told the mediator the same thing he didn’t want the divorce. When he thought I was going to file for divorce, he ran around trying to get the paperwork to say we co-filed. So I would not be seen as the petitioner and him as the respondent. He wasn’t fast enough to get that done.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Yes, because of compartmentalisation and the need for control.

  3. wildviolet22 says:

    Mine I believe is a Lesser, victim cadre (though there’s some somatic type behaviors there too). I believe his current primary fuel source is a non intimate primary source. From what I gathered from our last interactions (we live in different states), I think he was having trouble finding an intimate partner primary source, and having additional trouble with his current side line people/ secondary sources.

    So he went on some Seek and Destroy mission to get as much negative fuel from everyone as possible, and bunkered down for a while, living off of that. Although honestly, I can tell I’m getting better, because if he did find new intimate primary or secondary sources, it would sting, but I’d more or less be fine with that, they can have him (I couldn’t have said that a year ago, I would have been completely devastated). I’m not back to my old self 100% yet, but now that I’m out, I can’t believe I spend as much time as I did pogo sticking through a minefield, what was a I thinking. :/

  4. Gina says:

    Although nothing would surprise me, I think the that if my ex narc spouse is hiding a new ipps it is because he does not want others to necessarily know. I think he would love it if I knew. He is playing such the victim about being dumped that if he picked up a girlfriend right away all of the people feeling sorry for him would stop.

    1. Gina says:

      Also, our daughter is his primary source right now. So he does have one. He’s a mid ranger.

  5. Lorelei says:

    Are you alone HG?! Haha.

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