The Devastation of the Illusion


You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

32 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion

  1. Whitney says:

    I create my own illusion. They don’t have to do much.

  2. Guitana says:

    I believe it is the narcissit that should remain vigilant bc I’m coming for you when you least expect it. It could 5, 10 or 20 years…I’m always keeping tabs ! I got alot of dirt and will use it when I need it! I unlike the ex narc have truly moved on, and I am not afraid I am no contact 100%, if he ever thinks about coming close to me he will be sorry.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You haven’t moved on and you’re not 100 per cent no contact.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      No contact doesn’t mean you’re not contacting him directly or him you. You “keeping tabs” on him means you are NOT no contact.

      Use the search button to find The Wrong No Contact.

  3. Norma Jean says:

    All true……and maybe I will always be in love with that person- the ghost.
    But I can accept it whollly for what it was, and keep you at a safe distance. In your place.
    There you must always remain. Only a spark left in my memory.

  4. kaydiva3 says:

    HG, how are Lessers able to create this kind of illusion since they are so unsophisticated?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The Upper Lesser will exhibit roguish charm and has access to financial resource which will assist with the creation of a particular illusion (see Understanding The Fuel Matrix for more).
      Lower Lesser and Middle Lesser are more about keeping the beast hidden as part of that illusion, thus creating the illusion of acceptability and being attractive.

  5. FoolMe1Time says:

    You really have to do something about that HG! Perhaps iron bars?
    I’m happy to see you back safe and sound HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you FM1T.

  6. FoolMe1Time says:

    You’ve left your window open again! Hahaha!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Looks that way FM1T!

  7. Sherry Mitcham says:

    What’s the only way to get respect? At least revenge lol.

  8. Sherry Mitcham says:

    If that doesnt describe me and my situation, then I dont know what. Exactly every word.

  9. Fool me once but never twice says:

    I remember your lies that spilled from your lips so easily like a harmonic tone. How you cried and whaled about your failed marriage. How she was a narcissistic. But it was you who was, you were simply mirroring your behaviour through your words and reflecting it back. You have a new source, a solid one. A foolish girl who accepts your behaviour of nights out, in exchange of a loser who works full time in a position you don’t deserve. A man who acts like a boy, who keeps chasing for momentum. Here’s your shit back, you left it with me.

    HG tutor helped me see the devil in the details, beyond the scripted words given above. Helped me read between the lines.

  10. Pingback: The Devastation of the Illusion ⋆ NarcTopia
  11. DrHouse says:

    That’s some fucked up shit you write, I call that projection of your damaged inner self. We couldn’t give a shit about you, the narc. You remind me of the fucked Hannibal Lecter. You are the one damaged beyond repair, we just run into a little fucker like you, let’s call it mistake, you are a mistake and you know it.

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      The only mistake I see is HG allowing your comment to be posted! This man has more class and intelligence in his little finger then you do in your whole body! You’re disgusting!

    2. Violetta says:

      Medical Orderly House:

      Every single comma in your post is a comma splice. In most cases, either a period or a semicolon would go between main clauses (depending on how closely you wish to link the ideas). Of course, there are exceptions such as question marks, exclamation points, etc.

      Your hostility is clearly expressed, but your vocabulary seems limited. If you wish to utilize foul language, I suggest you consult the work of 2 Live Crew. You will note their variety of terminology, even when referencing similar topics.

      1. Sunshine says:

        Laughed so hard I peed 2 drops! 🤣

    3. njfilly says:

      Change the “we” in your statement to “I” and speak only for yourself.

    4. glamashley says:

      What a refined vocabulary you have. Go get your blankie & combust in the corner with your jealousy. Try not to spill your bottle now, I know it’s hard. 🍼

    5. Violetta says:

      I’m sorry; this comma was correct:

      “We couldn’t give a shit about you, the narc.”

      Points deducted have been restored.

    6. Cloudy says:

      Looks like your jealous of HG.

      How can you be so vulgar about this gentleman which helps thousands of people with his 5 star knowledge he passes on to his audience daily.

      Shame on you

    7. Pati says:

      Wow, i just saw this comment.

      HG is not damaged is self aware.

      People do give a shit thats why he is successful with 18 million hits!

      A mistake? Lets see the only mistake is your comment and HG doesnt care that’s why he is professional he didnt respond to it.

      Have a nice day!

    8. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Do you mean to insinuate we should tolerate the bombastical audacity of one who’s intellectual mind is so uncultivated ?
      If so, your’e indubitably mistaken
      Reintroduce yourself with some constructive criticism, proven facts and solid evidence, an apology along with some manners
      If not, fly fly fly

  12. Gab says:

    I wonder if what I experience is normal…

    My intimate relationship with him wasnt long – I escaped after 6 months because devaluation was something I couldnt stand. Soon he hoovered me back just to discard me on his terms a month later. At this point I was 100% sure he is a narcissist. Your every post HG was about him. Endless hoovering, manipulations and a lot of pain on my part. Damaged self worth, depression. I went no contact. Next 3 years proved me he was a narcissist indeed and it helped me to heal. He was dating different women, discarding them after a few months or they were going no contact on him. So I thought “see it was you, not me”.

    But after 3 years something changed. He met a girl, they are together for 7 months and he acts so different. He acts commited. There are no signs of devaluation (he was devaluing all others after month or two). Well, looking from the outside I thought he srarts to devalue her because he was starting to flirt with other women online just like when he was devaluing me and others but it stopped. And now he is acting like a typical boring boyfriend in normal boring relationship. He was chasing the thrills, now he stopped. He was hiding previous supplies now he doesn’t. But he also doesn’t flaunt her like a typical narcissist. He just is with her like in a normal relationship.

    After 3 years I started having doubts. Maybe he really changed? Maybe he found the one? How is it possible he doesn’t devalue her, he doesn’t argue with her, she doesn’t see through him? How is it possible he is not bored with all that “couple shit”? Maybe he was not a narcissist.

    It doesn’t hurt me. But it is strange. I was 100% sure. All those other girls who had to cut him off just like me. It couldnt be a coincidence, he had hurt a lot of people. And now? A perfect commited family guy. How could it be?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. You should not be monitoring his behaviour in this way, this is a breach of no contact.
      2. You are not party to everything going on in the relationship. On the basis that he is a narcissist and this person is the IPPS, she is being devalued or will be devalued. You just do not see it because you are not party to everything occurring in the relationship or since the relationship is only 7 months old, the golden period is continuing.

    2. Anm says:

      My daughters father has a facade like that. He was 46 when my daughter was born. He average about 6mo on average for relationships. While I was dating him, I had suspensions that he was cheating on me, but she was good at covering his track record. As soon as I became pregnant with his child, he just didn’t care anymore, and it was shocking. There was one girl that I know of that he worked with that he made sure I never came into contact with, but other than that, i caught him sleeping with the obese maid, drunk girls would call in the middle of the night, and he even had a secret love child named Christian who would call in the middle of the night to talk to his “dad”. So many wtf moments, people would laugh at me if I explained those incidences, and he was no picnic to be with.

  13. Em says:


  14. Dmd says:

    Nah. I won’t. Not after the consultations with you I had. Maybe before them I may have. Not now. I don’t think about any good times or who I thought I loved. I see the good times as the most dangerous times. Even the seemingly normalish times. Because my guard was down……. I won’t sit and have a fracture of wistful thought. I won’t and I don’t. Not anymore. I can’t.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is the application of logic.

  15. Lorelei says:

    I don’t think of this in the romantic sense, but in all aspects of relationships. I didn’t really have a grandfather, a father.. I had a warped reality that lingers to this day because even the triangulation has power even after people (narcissists) are gone. The smear campaigns still linger with the scent of impoverished views people have incorrectly formed. Little do people that have such views know that if they are in my circle I will do anything for them. The circle is getting quite small. I don’t have the lingering lost wistful feeling you describe here in regard to romantic entanglements. Not to this degree because I always sensed an “off” quality or something not quite right. Much more so in regard to friendships or family matters.

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