Toxic Logic


Confusion is at the heart of the narcissistic dynamic. Confusion causes several things to happen. You provide fuel far more readily, you submit to our control, you are easier to manipulate, your blame yourself, you cling on tighter and you do not move forward. Confusion reigns during devaluation. Confusion abounds post escape and especially post discard. Confusion keeps appearing during the hoovers which inevitably appear. The creation of confusion is a must for us if we are to keep our grip on you and achieve our aims. How many times have you said any of the following?

Why is he doing this?

I don’t understand why one moment she is fine and the next she is a howling banshee?

Why does he get so angry over nothing?

Why won’t he leave me alone?

I cannot work out what is wrong.

What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?

Why won’t you tell me what is the matter?

What was that for?

What did you say that for?

Why did you just do that?

These are all the common responses of victims who do not understand what is happening to them. This is because each and every single one of them is looking at the situation through their own world view and is accordingly applying their own logic to the situation. They are also doing so in a skewed fashion because that logic is heavily tainted by emotion which impairs clarity of thought. Not that our kind would complain about that.

One of the central planks to understanding the narcissistic dynamic is to understand our Toxic Logic. This is so-called because the effect of the application of our logic is that it has a toxic effect on you. Once you understand this toxic logic, you will make considerable advances into understanding why we behave as we do, why we say the things we do, why we react in the fashion that we do and why it impacts on you in such a fashion. You will not like this toxic logic. You will find it abhorrent but it is not necessary for you to like it. What you must do is apply it.

When you look at a situation adopting your worldview it is akin to staring into the dark of the night and looking into a forest. You may be able to see the trees because of the moonlight; you see lots of shadows but you cannot spot the man that is lurking there training a gun on you. Apply night vision goggles to that situation and all of a sudden you can see much more as they catch the infra-red section of the light spectrum and you can see the assassin clearly. Applying the toxic logic is the equivalent of switching to night vision. You will notice things that have been there all along. You will understand why we have responded in a certain way which has previously been a complete mystery to you.

Let us take the dinner table example. You have made dinner. you serve the four guests first, place a plate for yourself on the table and then serve your narcissist last. He knocks the plate to the floors spilling the food and breaking the plate. Your guests gasp. He stares at you, glowers and you watch shocked and puzzled as he storms off from the dining room. Why on earth did he just do that? Fifteen minutes later he returns, sits down and converses with you and the guests as if nothing has happened. How can he do that after such a display?

Looking at it from your worldview, you served the four guests first because that is polite. You then served yourself because your place setting was nearest to the food so that was practical. You served the narcissist last because he was furthest away and also you gave him more than the others since you didn’t have to save any of the food for anybody else, since everybody had been served. The evening had been proceeding in a friendly and pleasing fashion with everybody enjoying themselves. There is, from your worldview, no reason at all for this sudden display of temper.

He returns with no apology or sense of embarrassment at his behaviour and continues as if he has just been to the bathroom or to answer the door. He is pleasant and charming to both you and the guests. Again from your worldview, you are left puzzled by this behaviour. Who on earth behaves like that?

Now you apply the toxic logic and the reason is all too clear. By serving the narcissist last you told him through this action, which was not accompanied by any fuel, that he was not important. This was a criticism. This wounded him. His self-defence response to this wounding was the ignition of his fury. He could not keep it under control because of the type of narcissist that he is. The fury therefore manifested as heated fury. He tipped the plate to the floor spilling the food and breaking the plate. This caused drama and had all eyes on him. The guests were taken aback and their gasps of surprise and shock provided him with emotional attention, thus fuel. Your stunned reaction also provided him with fuel. He then walked out, drawing further emotional reaction from everybody assembled and in another room he has been able to draw on Thought Fuel as he imagines the ongoing reaction to his outburst. All of this fuel goes to the repair of the narcissistic wound that he has suffered. His fury will abate and he will return at some point as if nothing has happened.

Indeed, he returns, fury abated and is able to switch back without any show of concern to be charming and pleasant, thus drawing positive fuel from all those he is engaging with. Out of politeness, nobody mentions the incident, no doubt fearing a repeat performance.

This is but one example amongst millions that normal healthy people and empathic healthy people just cannot understand. Internally, those who witnessed the incident may be anxious, puzzled, pleased that it is over, wondering what caused it, wary of it happening again and a whole host of other thoughts. None of them will actually understand why it happened. It is only the application of the toxic logic that allows you to understand it.

So, what is this toxic logic? I shall example the main principles behind it. As you read these principles I know you will be thinking such thoughts as

But that is insane

That is ridiculous

Why live like that?

Can’t he or she see how crazy that looks?

Remember, it only appears that way because you are applying your own worldview to these principles. In order to understand and apply the toxic logic you have to let go of your logic – for the time being – and just accept that these are the principles we operate by. As I mentioned before, it is irrelevant whether you like them or agree with them. You should not feel any need to challenge them. You should just accept that this is the way that it is and once you do that, you will grasp why we are as we are. These are the principles of our toxic logic.

  1. Fuel is everything to us. It governs everything we do, whether by instinct or by calculation.
  2. Nothing is ever our fault. Nothing at all.
  3. We are entitled to do what we want, when we want, where we want, how we want and with whom we choose.
  4. You are the competition.
  5. Everybody is an appliance that yields fuel.
  6. If you do what we want, you are good.
  7. If you do not do what we want, you are bad.
  8. There is no middle, no grey, no inbetween.
  9. The end always justifies the means.
  10. We have no concept of remorse, guilt or a conscience.
  11. The world is against us.
  12. Anything that blocks, defies, challenges or calls into question our superiority is a criticism., if it is done without providing fuel.
  13. We hate criticism
  14. Criticism wounds us and ignites our fury.
  15. We must control our environment. Control is paramount to us.
  16. We do not recognise boundaries
  17. We have no empathy
  18. We mimic and copy to pretend we have certain emotions and feelings.
  19. We lie repeatedly.
  20. Fuel is everything to us – worth repeating.

This logic is toxic because the outcome is that you are manipulated. We abuse people, we use people, we trample on people and do so without any concerns at all for that person’s wellbeing. You will be considering such behaviour and outlook at odious and reprehensible and coming from an empathic individual that is entirely understandable.

Let us apply the toxic logic to another scenario.

You send your narcissist a text message asking when he will be coming home. You receive no reply. You text again. No reply. You ring. There is now answer. Your narcissist eventually appears at 2am when you are lying still awake in bed. There is no apology, no explanation and he says nothing to you but gets into bed and falls asleep. You are left worried, bewildered and upset.

From your world view you cannot understand why he did not respond to a perfectly reasonable text message. You cannot understand why he did not tell you he would be late. You know of no reason why he would stay out so late and not warn you. You find it hurtful and upsetting and you are confused because he is meant to love you and if someone loves someone then they do not behave this way. I have heard such comments many times.

Now apply the toxic logic.

The narcissist is entitled to do as he pleases. Thus if he wants to stay out, he can.

The narcissist is never to blame. Therefore, he feels no compulsion to warn you he will be late, to apologise for returning late or to offer any explanation.

Your text message sought to exert control over him. You are the competition. This is prohibited conduct.

The text message was not accompanied by fuel. By suggesting that he was beholden to you, this amounted to a perception of criticism by the narcissist. He felt wounded. Some narcissists could control the fury that is ignited and might have answered. This narcissist could not. His response was cold fury through a silent treatment. Hence the failure to reply and answer the ‘phone.

He gained Thought Fuel knowing that you would be concerned and worried at his failure to reply and him staying out late. This would heal the wound and abate the ignited fury.

He was justified treating you in this fashion because he is entitled and the end always justifies the means. Further, fuel is everything.

Thus, when looked at from the narcissist’s perspective, applying the toxic logic everything makes perfect sense to him, but viewed from your perspective it will not. The toxic logic will repeatedly explain to you why we suddenly erupt, go silent, suddenly apply the golden period again, why we carry on like normal afterwards, why we never apologise or if we do it is a false apology and so forth. Everything about what we say and do, how we behave and respond appears nonsensical, confusing and puzzling when looked at from your perspective. This means you give us fuel, try harder to please us, submit to our manipulations and remain in our grip. It also means that your empathic traits of needing to understand, wanting the truth, being good and decent and trying to help are catered for. Thus, sub-consciously, you are getting something you need from it, even though it is upsetting you, angering you or frustrating you. Our behaviour, lacking any logic in your world, keeps you where we want you and also caters for your empathic needs meaning you remain in place.

Every time something happens which perplexes you, you will suffer the consequences of our toxic logic. You are hurt, upset, mystified, anxious and so on. If, however, you apply our toxic logic to what has happened you will work out why it has happened. It is not always easy to do. it takes time to work it out. It takes discipline and repeated application in a way that is alien to you. You will not like it. You will not approve, but you will understand. Once you start to understand, you gain control. Once you start to understand, the toxic effects of being confused, bewildered and lost are ameliorated. Once you understand, you can begin to establish a way to deal with the application of this toxic logic so that the effects become less and less effective. You are then taking your first steps to freedom.

22 thoughts on “Toxic Logic

  1. Whitney says:

    HG the God. When I was the IPPS of the LMR Somatic he said I gave him TOO much attention. I thought Narcissists liked attention.

    When he ranted about himself becoming a world leader, I would get so close to his face and stare at him while he talked. Haha.

  2. tired says:

    “Apply night vision goggles to that situation and all of a sudden you can see much more as they catch the infra-red section of the light spectrum and you can see the assassin clearly. Applying the toxic logic is the equivalent of switching to night vision. You will notice things that have been there all along.”

    I love that !

  3. Violetta says:

    HG, I think I can now describe pretty well what Narcissists do, but I’m not sure how to explain what Narcissists are–unless I use circular logic and settle for “Narcissists are people who do the following things…”

    Is there a short definition, or is describing what they do the best evidence to bring up, i.e., if someone argues, “How do you know X person is a narcissist?” should we say, “He/she has done the following things”?

    (At some point, of course, I would refer them all to Narcsite, and point, HG says so-and-so is a narc, so there!
    However, in the initial discussion, that would be like quoting from the Bible to someone who hasn’t read it and/or doesn’t accept it.)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You direct them here and invite them to read and reach the conclusion themselves rather than telling them, people do not like to be told.

      1. Violetta says:

        Good point. Semanticist SI Hayakawa wrote that telling readers a woman was vulgar wasn’t nearly as effective as a description of her stubbing out her cigarette in her coffee cup.

        1. Whitney says:

          I agree Violetta!
          I just describe the most shocking things the Narc did, and let the listener make judgements and conclusions.

          1. Gina says:

            I do this too. People don’t want to hear someone is a narcissist, they mostly don’t believe it, and for sure don’t understand. Most that read HG’s stuff are the ones who have been devastated by the narc. I tell people he didn’t treat me quite as well as he treats others. Or he behaves much differently at home then in public, he did not treat me or my son very kindly.

  4. A383 says:


    I have read this article before but re-reading it again today has helped me greatly with an ongoing situation I find myself currently having to deal with.

    It brought my emotional thinking right down and under control to the point I have now managed to find some peace with a clear, logical plan of action in resolving the matter.

    Just knowing what you are actually dealing with and why narcissists behave the way they do, especially lessers in this case, is invaluable.

    A million thanks HG for writing this wonderfully helpful article. x

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome.

  5. Gina says:

    So, if the narcissist says something I don’t agree with and I call him a douchebag, he gets fuel from that. But he does NOT consider that a criticism (#12)? And if I just calmly disagree and state my opinion without emotion, then that ignites fury because of the criticism minus the fuel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See The 3 Interactions With the Narcissist

  6. DrHouse says:

    What is your earliest child hood memory? Who fucked you so up? Do you feel hate towards them? Or considered harming them?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hearing your mother say I wish you were my child, HG, rather than Dr House.

      1. DrHouse says:

        How far can you trace the disfunction back? Your mothers side? Where was your father to protect you? Was he codependent or not present?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A generation, I have not bothered to investigate that with regard to the family line.
          He was preoccupied protecting my siblings and formed the view that I could fend for myself.

          1. DrHouse says:

            Was he your biological father?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Yes. Do access Knowing HG 1-7!your questions and more will be addressed there

          3. About the eyes says:

            HG: not all children of narcissists become narcissists themselves. I am the child of two narcissists. They had three children. Of those three only one turned out to be a narcissist (you gave me an analysis of her). Why does one child becomes a narcissist and the others not?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed they do not, ATE. There will be two potential reasons :-

            1. An absence of the genetic predisposition , and/or
            2. An absence of the lack of control environment, often owing to the incidence of an intervening influence.

  7. Caity says:

    This was perfect, HG, and weirdly prescient. I have a friend who is having difficulty with a workmate. Classic LLN, and I was trying to give her a brief rundown of what I’ve learned after reading your work over the years. She seemed to ‘get it’ although it’s a lot to take on, at first blush, and I was certain I wasn’t doing justice to your facts and knowledge. I did tell her about your website, of course, but while at lunch I saw this new post. I was thrilled! I had *literally* heard her say several of the things you quoted i.e. “why does she do that? Why is she doing that?”
    I immediately showed the article to her and got to actually witness an ‘ah ha!’ moment. I wanted to dive right unto Rex Harrison’s “She’s got it! I do believe she’s got it!”

    After reading, she looked at me quizically and said she thought it sounded like her daughter-in-law,
    Too, and wanted to show the article to her son.

    Thank you so much for all you have given us, information so important we can share with others who are going through or have gone through what you so brilliantly describe. In this way, we help not only ourselves to understand but are also able to assist those we care about to do the same and make sense out of what seems so senseless. (plus, we can set them free on your site so they can learn more from you, the source of everything we now know. Win, win)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

  8. FYC says:

    Excellent post! This explains so much of the N dynamic, and virtually every interaction. Thank you.

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