Promiscuous Boy

 

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I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates. They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too. Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college.  The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.

Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought. Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction. I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.

Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me.  The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.

Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,

“Always good to make new friends.”

Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.

Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.

To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.

6 thoughts on “Promiscuous Boy

  1. honestyrocks777 says:

    Smh, as I would put together how Nick would say things or word them I would start asking specifics. He would elude to things and I would catch on to his wording. The other women…smh. always found a way to get me to defend myself.. “misti is there something you want to tell me?” “No?” “Are you aure?” Yes? Then I would over think..

    When he cheated that SAME day I slept with him!! (Although, I’m serious, that particular incident where he claimed he cheated I do not believe he did. He used that so much that for God sakes he told me he cheated! He wouldnt dare hide anything from me. Smh I believe it was a ploy.

    Back to my point, wth is wrong with me? I thought he cheated… I was balling. Then slept with him a few hours later. And during the act I broke down crying. But he could get me to be ok and he continued. Wtf? Is wrong with me?

    Then to spare him from embarrassment I told him I would get checked and treated if needed so that he didnt have to. Smh

    Ugh..

    HG, for the 1 time he told me he cheated I dont believe it one bit. Lol. I think it was a game. I do believe he cheated many many times that I never knew. I feel it was all to bring me down. Just a nasty game of telling me he cheated when he didnt. Because then of course!! He told me THAT there is nothing he wouldnt tell me.. stupid game..smh

    I’m angry at myself. I wasted time on a person and now I just dont think I can actually have a relationship. I was drained.

    Did he actually “know” that he didnt cheat for that instance? I really think he thought he was going to have an opportunity. I heard her story. He was trying to get her to fuck him in the bathroom. So I think he figured he didnt want to be the culprit and he put the blame on her and he told me I never come on to him (because if I did he would turn me down and I got tired of it) and supposedly he was molested as a child (idk) and he wondered if he did this to self sabotage so that I would leave him. But he said he didnt expect me to stay. And it “really showed him what love was.” (Found out he used the same stuff with his exes smh)

    HG what the hell? Lol. I’m just appalled some days and others… I dont care.. with as much as he may have been watching me.. I fucking (gosh I’m cussing again?)watched him too. Studied HOW he said things. When he did. There are things HE DOES know. Lol maybe not all the time (but damn he was one of the most exciting people because I loved calling him out but then darn it I could be convinced I was wrong. Smh. Stupid stupid stupid.

    The “cheating” … he knew he didnt cheat at that instance. I even remember him saying in response to me.. that I wanted to confront her.. just talk.. he used his awesome calmness and told me he would be concerned if she had a conflicting story and would it cause more problems for me and he didnt want that. I told him I would always believe him. Smh.. again he gave me the freaking answer on why he didnt want me talking to her..because he fucking lied to me about cheating!!

    That is sick! And when he would speak about her to other people and others would ask what do you think about rose? He never said a bad thing.. and I asked him.. “why dont you tell them that she had no respect for me or our relationship and cheated…I’m sure a man would want to know that..” smh.. it’s because it was a lie.
    But his excuse was.. he has no I’ll feelings for her and it’s not his job to run someone down and that wasnt christlike blah blah..

    Do you have any insight HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do have plenty of insight but these are matters which need to be addressed through consultation given the level of detail concerned. I will again repeat that you need to focus on your no contact regime rather than allowing your ET to take you by the hand and pick over what has happened. It is a natural temptation, driven by ET, but it is not the time to do that. It is time to do no contact.

      1. Misti says:

        My brain is very detail oriented. When I “understand” things the picking stops. Lol. Because at that point I have an answer. I would have nothing to figure out. I love details. Understanding. It makes me feel accomplished 🙂 the times I speak of what happened are generally in here. I dont have much time to get on here. Maybe an hour a week? Yes sometimes my head wanders but it’s as if things just pop up that I remember or didnt put together. I’m not trying to do it the majority of the time. I understand it to be a part of healing. As well as a part of trauma. I am staying active generally. Trying to clear some stuff off my bucket list.

        Took ballroom dance lessons as a christmas gift. Taking free bass lessons through fender for 3 months. Gonna have a summer to utilize my motorcycle endorsement (hopefully, up to my friend) gonna start doing some photoshoots again (did that 15 to 20 years ago) I am trying to find “who I am” outside of being a mom and caring for others all the time. And had tickets to go to Colorado for white water rafting for some time but who knows now with covid and every darn thing nickel and diming :/

        Btw I found some old photos from a shoot 16 years ago… I thought I was FAT then!! Wth? They are tasteful. I’d love to show them off because I felt so nice then.. anyone wanna see? Heheh. Smh I cant believe those we ME. I was a cutie!! I remember feeling so pretty 🙂

        Anyways HG, I hope you understand I’m not sitting for hours contemplating. It’s when it pops up, I come here and express and ask. In fact i think i am moving fast as in i have not much time to think.. but so slow because my brain likes to figure things out and when I can… i have peace. I dont know how to just tuck things away. Everything is a formula..and until i figure it out.. it pesters me!! Lol.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is nothing wrong with trying to figure it out but you have to understand when you are in a position to do that and when you are not. The posts you have written in response continue to demonstrate that your ET is high because you are making excuses for why you are doing what you are doing, that is a manifestation of ET.

        2. Kim e says:

          Misti,
          Just do one audio consult with HG to start. If you don’t like it or dont think it is for you, dont have another. But please start with the one step and see where it leads you.

  2. Chihuahuamum says:

    Its all about ego. That thrill of having someone place importance on you. The one thing ive learned here is how very little self worth a narcissist has. They have only what others give them. We reflect back their self worth thru our importance on them. Once that self importance is too easy to get they get bored bc they no longer have faith in it and dont believe in it and need further validation that theyre special. I no longer look at narcissists infidelity as personal bc it is always about them. They bore and tire of everyone. They need constant fresh validation.

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