A Lack Of Support


We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

26 thoughts on “A Lack Of Support

  1. SoldierOfLuv says:

    When I finally noticed this after 6 years I escaped.

    I was so ill my sons just as bad , they kept vomiting and diarrhea well all three off us . But I had to wash the sheets and everything so I put the babies in their dining chairs under the shower . While I was walking to the washing machine I just fell down and couldn’t get up anymore . My ex husband woke up stepped over me while I was laying there our babies in their dining chairs in the shower and turns on his PlayStation.

    I’ve never felt disrespected that much in my life , helpless. I fell out off love right away .

    One thing he did get the same symptoms as us he was vomiting all night .. but I did help him so stupid of me .

    1. WhoCares says:

      Very glad you escaped SoldierOfLuv.

      1. SoldierOfLuv says:

        Thank you WhoCares me too , I really try to erase this memory but this post made me remember it again . I hope now I can forget it a bit because I wrote it out now .


  2. Janna says:

    Why are you “forbidden to do so” in terms of giving help and support? What in you forbids it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The need for control.

      1. Janna says:

        How does that work? How does the need for control prevent you for being able to be supportive and help? You don’t lose control by doing these things.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If someone seeks support, that offends the sense of entitlement, it imposes accountability, it requires the application of resource and thus threatens control.

          1. Gina says:

            But you certainly can act like you are providing support during the golden or respite periods, or it would be difficult to keep the victim. In devaluation though, victims are pretty programmed to take crumbs, so grateful for not being abused at the moment.

            Janna, I would say you are trying to be rational here. This is how you think not how they think. This kept me stuck for so long, even when I escaped I was still trying to get him to understand what he was doing…you will never get closure.

            It seems as if everyone agrees in the rule of no contact if you are truly involved with a narcissist. Especially if you are a primary source.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Correct. We offer support when the seduction is occurring (some narcissists more than others dependent on school) in order to fit in, to create the illusion and assert control. When devaluation arrives, support is withdrawn and then it will be reinstated at various times and to varying degrees as you rightfully point out during golden/respire periods.

            Your second sentence of your second paragraph is accurate. You will get closure, but you create your own closure by realising what you are dealing with, that we have a different perspective to you and that you apply GOSO.

          3. Gina says:

            What I still have trouble with is the idea that they don’t know what they are doing. I would get them thinking the victim deserves it, but not knowing is tough to understand for me still. They know they are behaving differently from the beginning, and the MR knows he treats others differently from the IPPS. So why don’t they know what they are doing? Even if they don’t realize they are narcissists, fine, but if they lie (for example) they know they just lied. If a policeman comes along, a MR will be respectful. They know. So how can they not KNOW.

          4. lisk says:

            Could withholding support also be a way of maintaining the victim in a weakened position, so that the victim does not and cannot thrive outside of the narcissist’s realm?

            (I just started reading the Phaedrus yesterday, so I may be adding a little Socrates into this mix.)

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Correct. Often, when you are receiving our report, we cut your off from other support networks so you become solely or wholly reliant on us. This is not a problem for you because you are in the golden period and you unwittingly allow yourself (not always but often) to be removed to some degree from your support networks. Then, when devaluation visits and we withdraw support not only do we not support you but you find you have no external (or reduced external) support which makes our withdrawal of support all the more effective in terms of asserting control over you, weakening you and causing you to cling tighter to us.

          6. lisk says:

            This really is ancient stuff.

            Makes me wonder why humans hope for or expect “progress” in any way, shape, or form. Must be a DNA setting! 🧬

  3. Tired says:


    So accurate, some word for word . Even understanding it, still such a difficult pill to swallow.
    Thank you.

    1. Kim e says:

      I just want to tell you that even if you don’t realize it you have changed since you arrived here. You are not as OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING as you were. I know you know you have a long way to go but the change has started already🌹Congrats

      1. Violetta says:

        | What she said.

      2. Tired says:

        Kim and Violetta,

        Thank you! It’s encouraging to hear you see a change. You’re correct, I have a long way to go , but without this forum I’d still be at ground zero. ( Thank you, HG)
        I am starting to feel better as I read here and make sense of his behaviors. It’s still SO difficult to wrap my head around them, despite seeing it written here in black and white.
        Oh Lord , I’m sure I sounded like “ OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING!” I can’t begin to tell you how upset I was when I first got here. I still have those moments, but they have lessened. He had me so spun round I was an emotional wreck, and for me that is not the norm . It scared me , feeling that way. All the stress did me in physically as well. I am trying to heal from the shock of it all.
        After 3 decades of marriage I realise he’ll never change. Wish I had known about narcissism many years ago, my life would have been so much different now.
        Sending both of you, and anyone else reading, peace, love, and light .

        Tired Xx

        1. Fiddleress says:

          So much of you say in this post resonates with me ! And yes, you do get better quickly once you have found this blog and HG’s works.

          I too have noticed that you seem to be feeling better already, and I am very pleased for you.

          1. Tired says:


            Thank you! 🙂

    2. CL-E says:

      You’re SO right, Tired. ‘word for word’! A complete stranger, who is H G Tudor, is able to write scenes from our lives and in such a way that we can more objectively understand the one we know and the futility of wasting one more second of energy.. I hope it helps you as much as it’s helping me

      1. Tired says:

        C-LE ,

        Thank you. Yes , it’s definitely helping! Glad it’s helping you too !


  4. Gina says:

    Mid rangers are the worst. They put on their facade of helpfulness so others will think they’re awesome. Then those people wonder what you’re problem is.

    1. Renarde says:

      Absolutly Gina.

      Pathetic cowards aka Scum

      1. Gina says:

        Totally. He is a MMR which makes him a whinny coward who never says what he means. And he doesn’t even have the ability to be as successful as the UMR, although he thinks he does. So there were always money problems as well.

        At least with a lesser, they may be crude, but a least you have the opportunity to see what you are dealing with and decide. After thinking about it, it seems that when someone is with a narc and the peripheral people see what is going on and want you to leave, it’s probably a lesser or maybe lmr.

        I have a friend right now that has a husband who drinks beer all day and never works. She or Mommy has supported the guy. Everyone thinks he is a loser. He’s obvious.

        MR usually have a job and are Mr Nice Guy to everyone. I hate them. Lol.

        1. Renarde says:


          There is a lot to be said about the Ls. Ar least you know where they are coming from. You cant really say

        2. Renarde says:

          Arrgh. Sent too soon.

          You know where you are with them. Even if it’s on the end of a fist that’s sometimes preferable to the sustained, psychological torture that a middle will do..

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