Why Has the Narcissist Gone Back?



Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.

“He is just plain evil.”

“She is utterly bat shit crazy.”

“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”

“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”

A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.

It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.

Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.

We went back.

You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.

In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.

You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –

“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –

You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”

“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”

“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”

“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”

Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.

“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”

If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.

15 thoughts on “Why Has the Narcissist Gone Back?

  1. narcsurvivor030414 says:

    This couldn’t be more true. He first described his ex as being so gorgeous like a model and quite a catch but once they got married she changed and was controlling with him. (At that time I believed him but after getting to know who he really was I think he was full of s***)He even said that after all these years (which I mind you it has been probably 25+ years ) he would choke her until she died. Why would he be harboring so much hate for her even after all these years?They even had a child together. He has since been remarried for over 10 years and has been with countless women over the years. I have never heard of him say anything like that and it was like he was proud of it. It was such an uncomfortable conversation that left me so shocked.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because the demonstrating of hatred (in that moment) enables him to control you, by triangulating you with his hatred for her.

      “I hate that bitch, she was so controlling, not like you.” She is painted black, you are white. He controls her indirectly by smearing her to you, he controls you directly by comparing you to her (Triangulation).

  2. Tired says:


    Oh my , this sounds like everything my narc tells his DLS or Former Ipss ,whatever you want to call her.
    And she reacts exactly the way you wrote here.
    She’s seething alone now since my narc has been ignoring her for weeks , serves the unhinged woman right. I don’t understand why this has happened, ignoring her when just before COVID they were so in luvvvv .

    That said, I assume I have been granted what you call a “respite period “ while we are isolating during COVID. He actually told me he’s enjoying working from home and wouldn’t mind doing it all the time, you couldn’t make it up!
    However, I also read what you wrote about respite periods being due to reserving energy for a full out assault later, and that scares the bejesus out of me.
    I trust NOTHING this man does any more. He’s a stranger to me now. He is truly a sick man.

    I do think he may be pushing his DLS over the edge by ignoring her , and in light of her prior behaviors towards me personally , I am afraid she will once again attempt to get to me because she’s unable to communicate with him. She’s an absolute nutter.
    I would welcome that at this point. I would tell her to come and collect him and his belongings. He lies and tells her I beg and plead, load of tosh , I’ve never done that. I’ve told him to get the fuck out if he’s not happy. The fucker never leaves.
    I don’t compete with other women, if you want her , GTFO and have her . But don’t forget, I have a no returns policy, once you leave that door is bolted shut , permanently. It will hurt like hell, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever let him know that. He’ll never see me crying over him.

    1) Is it unusual for my narc to be enjoying being home with me 24/7 now , shouldn’t he be behaving like a prick due to low fuel?
    I haven’t been giving him any fuel, just doing the same day to day things I always have. But now he’s without the DLS fuel ( his choice)

    2) does this sound like he’s reserving energy for another assault on me ?

    I’ll tell you this , I don’t like the way I see him looking at me sometimes, like he’s something up his sleeve , or thinks he’s happy with himself for fooling me.

    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I need more information to answer your questions accurately and to convey the right information to you. I recommend you organise a consultation.

  3. Done With It says:

    You posted this for me, did you not, sir….
    This is quite painful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. I posted it for all of my readers.

    2. Tired says:

      Done with it ,

      You’re going to read a lot of things here that appear as they were written just for your situation. That’s how good HG is at understanding and analysis of all narcs behaviors.
      You won’t find anyone else on the Internet that comes close to HG’s wisdom on the subject.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you Tired.

        1. Tired says:

          My pleasure, HG .

      2. Kristin says:

        I have thought the same thing many times as his posts related directly to what I was experiencing at the time. However, I know that was not the case but it validates what you said regarding HG’s wisdom on the subject.

    3. BabyEmms says:

      “Done with it” I feel the same having just come across this site a few weeks ago. Every article, book, audio file so far sounds like it was written for me. These are my stories/experiences, how can this be? Still got loads of material to go through but already it has helped me more than months of therapy did. I only wish I’d discovered it sooner

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Good to read BE. The mantra of “if only I´d discovered it sooner” is often written, the important point is this, you have found it NOW.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          “the important point is this, you have found it NOW” – Absolutely, HG.

      2. NarcAngel says:

        “already it has helped me more than months of therapy did. I only wish I’d discovered it sooner”

        A common refrain.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed, NA.

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