The Stare



The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.

Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.

  1. The Stare in Seduction

It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.

At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.

Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by staring at you for an unconventional length of time and this would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.

The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU. That desire for you which shone in our eyes was actually our desire to control you, for your fuel, for your character traits and for those residual benefits. Of course, since you did not know who you were dealing with, you honestly mistook that stare of desire as us wanting you, the person. That is not the case.

This steady, magnetic stare is of course not utilised by all narcissists. Where deployed by the Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist, they do believe they want you for being you, their narcissism does not allow them to know the genuine reason they want you nor why they are staring so intently at you. The Greater and Ultra know precisely what we are doing and why.

The stare in seduction demonstrates our sense of entitlement to keep looking at you, the sense of ownership (we look on you like some expensive painting or enticing motor vehicle that belongs to us), our lack of emotional empathy (we have no interest if this stare makes you feel somewhat uncomfortable or embarrassed to receive such attention). It exhibits our lack of boundary recognition and is a form of manipulation designed to benignly assert control over you directly.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality

In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.

If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.

This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Malice

This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.

This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the inky darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.

You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.

The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.

  1. The Stare in the Discard

This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The annoyance that we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.

  1. The Stare in the Hoover

The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.

Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.

The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.

14 thoughts on “The Stare

  1. ava101 says:

    While I know this stare from narcs — is it a thing that narcs complain about others looking directly at him or that others make eye contact?
    Is it a red flag when a narc complains about me looking at them intensily?
    I had more than one narcissist complain I had stared at them, while I had simply looked at them in a normal way while talking to them. I find that pretty normal to make eye contact in a conversation on a date??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The accusation that you have stared at somebody when you simply glanced at them for a moment is an indicator.
      A narcissist will perceive that you are looking at him or her in a staring way (when you did not) because they believe everything revolves around them and their paranoia distorts your glance to a stare to compel them to act in order to seek the prime aims from you.

      1. ava101 says:

        Thank you so much, HG. 🙂
        So I am not crazy.

  2. Asp Emp says:


  3. Leela says:

    Oh dear! When I saw this stare the first time, it scared the sh… out of me! I really felt “naked” and I just wanted to RUN AWAY!!

  4. FoolMe1Time says:

    HG there is also a look that the narcissist gives you that is different then the stare. There can be a group of people standing around you and as the narcissist catches your eye and you see that look you know what is going to happen to you later on that day! It’s funny because no one else seems to see it? They keep talking and laughing and going on with their discussions, oblivious to that look. But I knew what that look meant and I knew if I brought any attention to him or that look, it would be far worse later on.

  5. mollyb5 says:

    Hg , did you ever walk in in your parents having sex ? ( when you were little )

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, that would mean I had some control then in that particular arena.

      1. mollyb5 says:

        Hg ? I mean accidentally …not knowing, as a little kid, what was going on ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          My earlier answer stands, Mollyb5.

          1. Violetta says:

            How in God’s name did they ever meet? Did she turn on the charm until he was ensnared? Did he ever see through her, and if so, would he admit it openly?

      2. mollyb5 says:

        Hg ..I understand this to mean you had a heavy schedule as a child or didn’t play or walk around your home freely ? Or , you didn’t just get to roam freely at / in your own home because you weren’t there much ?

        1. Duchessbea says:

          Hi mollyb5, I think you are reading a little bit too much into your own question. Plus, and I don’t mean it in a mean way, but that is a weird question to ask. I am not speaking on behalf of HG, as he can answer for himself, but I never got the impression that he wasn’t free to walk around the house, through schedules or otherwise. If this is an issue that you want to explore more to see similarities to perhaps your own or someone’s else’s situation, then that is cool and makes more sense in asking that question.

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