It is fair to state somewhat euphemistically that death is an inconvenience for everyone. In respect of my kind and me, it causes all manner of problems and issues which are especially irksome. Death generally only affects people in two respects. Their own death and the death of other people. Our responses to those two aspects are far-removed from that of the reactions of ordinary people and especially those of an empathic nature.

First of all, how do we regard the death of someone else. The demise of a stranger causes to response from us unless we realise that in order to maintain the façade that it would be advantageous to say “the right things” and come out with those empty platitudes that people do so often when they read of a tragedy somewhere. When this happens and somebody makes mention of some loss of life, perhaps the drowning of a toddler who was not being properly supervised and fell into a bath or the consequence of an aeroplane crashing, I observe the reactions of the collective with interest. There are the expressions of shock, the declarations of horror and how this is such a terrible event. As I watch and listen I do wonder who the greater charlatans are in this event. Is it me who does not care and cannot care but pretends to do so in order to maintain my precious façade or is it those who claim to care about somebody they never knew and would never have known?

If the death of someone is closer to home, a friend or a family member then my reaction is no different save that it is laced with irritation and indeed often anger at the loss of someone who was a source of fuel for me. If that person forms a supplementary source, then there is irritation at this loss but this person can readily be replaced with a new member rising to form part of my coterie. If the person who has been lost to the hand of the grim reaper is a primary source of fuel, then I am consumed with fury. How could this person treat me in this fashion? I gave them everything and then they leave me in the most complete fashion, with no chance of that sweet, sweet restoration. This departure amounts to a criticism of me, a reminder that even someone as great and powerful as I was unable to prevent the removal of a potent source of fuel. Thus this criticism ignites my fury and I rage at the injustice of their death. Some who witness this might mistake this response for an outburst of grief at the taking of this person. It is not that. It is the explosion of wrath at someone who was so potent to me escaping me and thus denying me my rightful fuel and denying me the opportunity to put in place a replacement. I do not mourn their passing away. I rage at the passing of my fuel source.

Do not expect to see me attend the funerals of those that are regarded as supposedly close to me and where my attendance might otherwise be expected. I will not be there. I know there are those of our kind who revel in the drama and the high emotion that is attached to a funeral and regard it as a honey pot for the acquisition of fuel. There are those of our kind who will hijack the occasion and make it all about them, wailing and shedding those false tears in order to draw well-meant sympathy from the other attendees. There are those of our kind who will create a scene at the funeral, arriving late, arriving drunk, collapsing part way through the service, making a snide remark in a loud stage whisper in order to draw reactions from everyone else that is there. Yes, many of our kind will attend and exhibit their over-acted grief purely to draw attention to themselves and away from the person who is now lying in the cold, hard ground. Our kind will express their huge sense of loss, how the deceased was such a wonderful father, caring mother, beloved uncle or best friend. Such a shameless performance which is carefully choreographed in funereal black to maximise the opportunity to have the spotlight shine on them and thus drink up all the attendant fuel. A disagreement will be provoked with another family member and harsh words exchanged. Over the top blubbing will take place with cries of “Don’t leave me!” as the coffin is lowered. The occasion of death and the attended ceremony provides a wonderful stage to our kind to perform our sick routines to make it all about us, fashioned from the pretence of actually caring. We do not care. We cannot care. We resent the fact that this person has escaped us. We resent the fact that everybody is turning out to pay their respects to the deceased and not training their attention onto us which is where it should belong. Should you ever witness melodrama at a funeral do not mistake it for the exaggerating effects of grief and loss, you are observing one of our kind milking the moment for all it is worth.

That is the response of many of our kind to the loss of a “loved one” or a “close friend” who has passed away after a full life or taken too soon. It is not my response. I have only ever attended one funeral in my life and that was the funeral of my father. I only broke my own protocol to do this as a consequence of the diktat from my mother and also at the behest of my younger brother who begged me to accede to her request so that she would not erupt and undermine the occasion of our father’s death. I duly obliged, just the one, purely in order to satisfy my desires however. I wanted to rein in my mother’s theatrics and watch how she really responded to the death and subsequent committing to another place of my father. You may well have read elsewhere in my works of that particular day. That was the only time that I have attended a funeral and I did it to further my own understanding and in order to loathe in my own private way the way my mother was behaving. That gave me tremendous satisfaction.

Thus, I only broke my protocol of non-attendance once and shall not do so again. Why is it that I will not attend funerals when there is such a prime opportunity to take centre stage and draw greedily on all the available fuel? It is a simple reason enough. I will not attend funerals because I do not wish to be reminded of my own mortality. Like a medieval monarch who stayed away from funerals, even of the preceding monarch and his own wives and offspring, because it would cause others to contemplate the death of the current monarch, something which was treasonable, I too will not attend. I have no desire to contemplate my demise. I do not want to recognise that one day all of this must end for this offends my notion of omnipotence. I do not wish to linger at the edge of the abyss that is life, staring into the nothingness of oblivion. Such is the finality of the mortal end to one’s existence, it engenders and raises the very prospect of that extinction that I fight against each and every day through the acquisition of fuel to maintain my construct and keep myself from being consigned into oblivion. To contemplate a mortal death is to invite the horrifying reality of the extinguishing of who I wish to be and that which I must not let happen.

I do not fear my mortal death for I will have my legacy in place and thus I shall live on through that. No, what I would rather not be reminded of, through the occurrence of the passing of others and the subsequent surrounding ceremony, is that I sometimes teeter on the brink on annihilation. The thought of that fills me with despair, only for myself and therefore I choose not to engage in that which will so forcefully and rudely remind me of it.

I know death embraces all eventually. I am not a foolish man and that is why I have worked to secure my legacy so that I may out stride death.

I care not, save for the loss of my fuel, when its cold hand snuffs out the life of others. Our type does not mourn the death of others. We are unable to do so. We are not equipped to achieve this. Never expect any sincere mourning to ever be evidenced by our kind.

I care not to contemplate what mortal death signifies for me in my ongoing struggle to keep such annihilation at bay.

38 thoughts on “Death

  1. About the eyes says:

    I always thought my father enjoyed the funerals of my mother, my brother, his brother and his parents because he liked to give a speech and have all the attention drawn to him. Same goes for my sister. If I would die, if she could, she would hurry to the funeral and give an impressive and extensive speech. About how terrible this is for her and how she will miss me (I haven’t seen her in 12 years).

    Fortunately that’s not possible. I have made arrangements she will not be notified. And she can’t attent the funeral because there will be no ceremony.

  2. Christine/Philly says:

    Dreaded death….so final. The narc gives less than zero fucks on most, the fuel loss is quickly replenished.In my experience,, the narc doesn’t want to speak of the death even a day later. If an inheritance is involved and they are due something,well, maybe a package of tissues will magically appear.

    1. WhoCares says:


      ” If an inheritance is involved and they are due something,well, maybe a package of tissues will magically appear.”

      The truth in that statement made me laugh.

    2. In many cases C/P, but some of them will use death as a pity play regardless of inheritance, esp the mids!

      1. Fiddleress says:

        Haha, Alexis. I think you are right.
        And the pity play may involve their own death: mine told me very early on that he postponed suicide on a daily basis. It was an excellent way of making me scared, and worried about him, and accept everything from him.
        Not long before my escape, he said that he had decided not to commit suicide, for his daughter’s sake.(Damn ! I realise only as I am writing this that he must have triangulated me with his daughter.)

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          Fidd that’s awful! What a horrible thing to do to you! I’m sorry he put you through that. And wow triangulating you with he most awful of situations. I know you just realised that, and I don’t want to conjure up to many bad feelings. But how did that make you feel at the time In terms of the triangulation element? Or did you not notice it back then?

          1. Renarde says:


            Yup. The suicide manipulation is absolute scum behaviour.

            When it all fell apart when I found out his infidelities, his yellow side showed. I’d found the other IPSS you see and now we were threatening the facade. He had a lot to lose and I was going for it.

            One day, he rang me at work and asked my permission to kill himself to avoid dishonor.

            I went through the fucking roof! He had to get me to disengage. I knew he was lying but I couldnt risk it.

            Scum. A MMC.

          2. Oh god Ren! that’s nuts! he asked your permission first!

            My sister an UMR always used to date what I now know to be MMRs or LMRs. Anyway, one of them in particular stands out. I was about 14 or so at the time, my sister a little older. She had ended the relationship with one and started a new one. The ex kept on turning up at our house wanting to speak to me about my sister (who was now out with the next MMR). I recall the ex had started smoking and when I asked why, he told me it was because he wanted to kill himself and he wanted to suffer a painful and agonising death over a long period of time otherwise he would have taken more immediate action.

          3. Renarde says:


            Well, he attempted to run the manip and it was a ‘grey working’. He got what he wanted but he didn’t hoover me. He might have got fuel in the now but hed risked complete exposure so I imagine the fuel was limited.

            There was more to this. He was my second Dom. So when he said that, he shattered the power exchange. It was like the dynamic was a glass vase based on a wonky stool. Knowledge of the infidelities set the stool rocking. But when he said THAT the vase smashed.

            No DOM EVER asks the sub for permission. No sub ever behaves with a manner in public which dishonours the Dom. Dont forget that D/s doesnt need to be sexual but it often is.

            So now the matter was multilayered.

            1 He wasn’t a Dom. I had misjudged. How had I got it so wrong.

            2 He was a coward (other phone calls revealed he was TREMBLING on the phone as I was now Domming him)

            3 He then said THAT.

            4 Thefore showing no empathy for my own suicide attempt in ’14. He knew this.

            Your story is intresting. It truly is amazing how many Ns couple with Ns.

            What a fucking pathetic pity play. No one chooses a long death. Thats bonkers!

            Funnily enough with three narcs in my birth family and the UMS-P, they would NEVER deploy such a pity play.


            I used as much of my influence to drive him off fet.

            He WILL have returned. Inevitable.

          4. alexissmith2016 says:

            Gosh! the dynamics of your situation were incredibly complex Ren! I’m sorry you made an attempt in 2014, I had no idea. Goodness, what was going on for you at that time? what led you to this?

            It is incredibly sad. Especially as we now know that suicide threats/attempts are in the main linked to an N. Either an N using it as a pity play or an E who has been crushed by an N. Of course there are other reasons too, I appreciate that.

            My sister always dated LMR/MMRs always! I could never understand why she always dated such twats. And how their personalities were so incredibly similar. I still don’t understand why she doesn’t date Es? I mean perhaps IPSSs which I don’t know about. She’s incredibly secretive and I struggle to imagine her cheating sexually, but according to the fuel matrix she must. She certainly maintains a good facade in that respect. But in terms of IPPS always mid range twats. She must derive some kind of fuel from them which she rather enjoys. I suspect she enjoys winding them up and watching them go. They always had a fascination and obsession with her too and struggled hugely at the end of the relationship. She would allow them to dominate them, then simply discard them once she’d had enough. But she loved the negative fuel she got from them. Pretty much all of them threatened suicide in some way. I used to wonder why everyone she dated, did this. It never happened to me ?

          5. Renarde says:


            I’d said no to the UMS in the summer. I obviously needed to get out. But I didnt want to live there anymore.

            As you know, when it ends, the MASSIVE hoovers begin. But not with a psychopath. A spectacular set of coincidental circumstances happened just before xmas. Dog died. FIL died. Didnt get a job which couldve been a game changer. Then some twunt engaged in a deliberate crash with me. First words, are you insured? Last xmas with UMS as a family. I wanted, desperately, to make it a good one.

            Xmas day, I broke a glass accidentally. And here we go. He storms out. Comes back. A row happens. I apologise and start to cry. I try to explain to my parents how difficult it’s been.

            Mum says, ‘Oh you silly girl, pull yourself together!’ That makes me cry even harder, now I’ve got THREE narcs, all MRNs yelling at me on Xmas night. In front of my bewildered children.

            I ran away. I took my first overdose. I was in such emotional pain.

            But I’d say this, when I texted him what I’d done, I’d never seen a man fly down those stairs so quickly.

            And no, my children did not witness what I’d done. I was loving in the caravan on the drive. Had to. He in the proceeding months had threatened to rape me as punishment. Had throttled me in the kitchen. Finally after I lost it in the garage, he punched me in the eye. Police attended. I tried so hard to shield the children. So fucking hard, then you get to a point and you snap. The emotional pressure has been building and at thst time I was so under the grip of ET and ER, I wasnt venting. Pressure valve.

            This is why perhaps sometimes it appears if I’m cold and hard on here. To the miscreants I mean, not you lovely Empaths.

            To have endured 18 years and now thrre suicide attempts and still be here is nothing short of a miracle.

            Many times in the last two years, I prayed to the Goddess, please dont let me wake up when I go to sleep.

            But now, whilst I would say I’m technically not ok, I’m far better than I was.

            Essentially, he took my children and smeared me. He should be in jail for what hes done. No fucking hope of that!

            I do like your point on suicide. I think there can be, as you say, geuine reasons for ending it. Most is narc abuse though.

            Before covid 3.5 women were being murdered by Lessers. Another 3 were committing suicide. Per week.

            But actually 200 were attempting it. Per week. And I was one.

            I think on reading your last paragraph you are raising extremely intresting questions. Why do they do it?

            All I can answer with is this. I knew a woman who was a narc. LMS I’d say so she had the aggression of an L but some control.

            She told me that she’d undergone serious physical violence in the past. She had enough understanding that she knew she was picking up muscle building, steroid abusing Coke heads. It was a pattern.

            So after a spectacular moment of DV. She got out. Reflected. And chose a different kind of man.

            Now shes ‘happily married’ with twins. But her other describes her as “lovely’ but a psycho. But shes not. Just has moments of losing her grip on fury.

            So to really answer, both Ns are addicted to fuel. They dont get it. They draw on negative then BOOM!

            Rinse and repeat.

            No awareness. None whatsoever although occasionally one might break free and change the pattern.

            Anyway that’s just my understanding of it. Based on what I’ve observed.

          6. Fiddleress says:

            Oh, Renarde. I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through. I was going to tell you earlier on that I could understand how in some circumstances, we can see no other way out of the pain, but something told me I didn’t know much of your circumstances and saying I understood would be a tad out of line.
            But what you’ve been through… my heart goes out to you. You are one hell of a strong woman!
            I guess what I want to tell you now is that it is great to see you here, read your comments, and hear from you.

          7. Renarde says:

            Oh Fids

            I must have recieved thousands of messages in my time. But yours melted my heart. I mean it’s one, if not the first, who has got me. And in such an empathic manner.

            Well done on you though because you instinctively understood that you didnt understand. That is my fault. Because I think today, I showed everyone what happened.

            I’d like to think I’m strong but I wont go as far as I am strong.

            To do so is actually a form of hubris. Complenecy. I’m all this and that. I’m not.

            I’m actually very vulnerable. So the only way I can protect myself is isolating me

          8. Fiddleress says:

            Vulnerable, maybe (I am too), but still strong because, hey, we’re still here!
            And in a good place, here.

          9. Renarde says:


            Isolating myself.

            I hope you are well. Keep safe and thank you. X

            Virtual hugs x

          10. Goodness Ren! Youve been through so much! You have amazing strength of character and are a real testiment to others to help them free themselves too!

            Bloody well done to you! I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like, not at all. Makes me feel pathetic, I couldn’t take too much before I was off! literally not too much at all! xxxxxx

          11. Renarde says:


            Luffs you missus x

          12. alexissmith2016 says:

            love you too xxx

          13. Renarde says:


            Thank you sister x

          14. alexissmith2016 says:

            love the new photo x

          15. Fiddleress says:

            Alexis, thank you for what you said.
            I sometimes don’t realise the impact that what I write will have on people. It probably sounded more horrible than it feels to me now. I am usually able to talk about things once I have ‘digested’ them, as is the case here, so don’t worry, no bad feelings coming up to the surface!

            He said he was depressed on our third date (yeah, I’ll know better next time!). But the love bombing over the next month and a half was so upbeat that I really thought he was getting over his depression. I cannot understand how you can love-bomb someone and be so charming when you are depressed.
            But I guess he sensed the ‘saviour’ in me. He fancied himself a writer, a troubled and damned soul – since the age of 13 – and as I have a soft spot for troubled souls, I fell for it completely ! (He knew I love Lord Byron for instance, mirrored me with him – Byron was certainly a troubled soul !)
            I worried sick that he might commit suicide, because you never know. Two of my relatives committed suicide (I am over it now), so I put up with a lot of bulls from him. I also found it incredibly hard to leave him and go no-contact, because I felt I simply could not leave someone who was not well. I managed only when I found this blog.

            As for the triangulation, I didn’t know the concept at the time, and I didn’t realise it was triangulation. Now that I do, it just helps me move along, like every new aspect of that story that I suddenly understand.

            And I am moving along very fast, thanks to HG’s works, of course, but also the comments I read here, the stories that are shared, and the humour – how I love the humour! And your posts often make me laugh, Alexis, so thank you.

          16. alexissmith2016 says:

            I’m pleased you’re all okay FD! Thst is good to hear. If sounds like you’re doing amazingly well and yes the more you learn and make sense of things using HG’s work, the less it hurts too. As HG reminds us we need to teach our Logical thinking to overtake our emotional thinking. Most of the time that comes naturally to me now but there are times I have to take a step back because ET can occasionally run rampant, it’s pretty rare now though. I’d say pre knowledge I was about 90% an emotional thinker now it’s the complete reverse and a bit more besides. Your N sounds awful and I don’t like him very much either! I used to be rather attracted to the troubled souls, I wanted to fix them too. Not any more, well not an N troubled soul anywya. Interesting re triangulation, I had no idea what that was either. I recall learning about it post N and being like what, he actually did this on purpose? What the hell lol. Now it seems all too obvious.

          17. Fiddleress says:

            Thanks Alexis!

            I think HG knows how instrumental he has been and is, in my swift recovery.

            Wow, going from 90% emotional thinker to the opposite is amazing! I am far, far from it still. How did you achieve this? More precisely, over what period of time? I am hellbent on never dating a narcissist again for the rest of my life, Not after the last one, and knowing what I now know.

            You’re so right about the triangulation, it seems so obvious now to me too. But I have very little jealousy, so it never worked or clicked with me.
            Quite an unsavoury character, that N (a Mid-ranger, and a lesser one at that), that’s for sure. Even in the midst of devaluation, he would thank me for being in his life, said he didn’t know what he might have done last August (golden period still on) if I hadn’t been around – probably implying he would have committed suicide.
            He is very cerebral but ultimately of the Elite cadre. He loved beautiful objects. And I have enough vanity to feel some satisfaction that he probably saw me as beautiful, albeit an object! This gives me confidence for the next person who comes along – are there any dating sites exclusively for empaths and empathic individuals?? Ok, one that maybe normals could be allowed to join too?!

          18. alexissmith2016 says:

            Thanks FD. I think one of the most important things for me was to learn as much as I can from this site. The information HG provides us with is superior to anything else out there. Once you understand the minute detail of how their mind works and that their world view is completely different to ours. That we are largely governed by ET etc and why. it will set you free.
            I feel no pressure to be friends with an N who may be part of a small group of friends. Previously I would have done and then I would have felt their toxic behavior. But if I experience toxicity form someone I cut them off straight away. That is not to say I don’t engage with Ns at all, I do. 1 in 6 people are Ns. But I limit it to what I am comformtable with and I feel no pressure. E.g. at the gym (lots of Ns there), I would train with different people, but I limit it. I would still train with an N, but I would have no friendship with them outside of the gym.

            We’ve asked HG to set up an empath dating site! would be great for those dating for sure! There would be trillions of narcs trying to get in though, either looking for empaths or believing they are one. HG would know.

            It took me a while. I’m about 7 or 8 years post NC now. I made several mistakes after working out what Ns were. It took a fair while to be able to spot them. I think I’m pretty good at detecting most Ns now (if I interact with them, not celebrities). I need to feel that silent treatment or other manipulation first hand. But I did make some mistakes early on and went crying to HG about it haha. I think I’m less good at schools/cadres although that is improving. I can pretty much place a lesser from a mid but not always whether they are upper/middle/lower etc and greaters are tricky. I’m confident I can spot them as an N, but perhaps be uncertain whether they are a greater or not.

          19. Fiddleress says:

            Thanks for your reply Alexis.
            I was joking about the dating site, I don’t go on those sites. And not ready for dating at all !
            i am definitely going to continue to read HG’s works.

            I am beginning to apply my recent knowledge at work for instance, where I have spotted two narcs so far (or did, before lockdown). Women. Mids, I’d say, and they amuse me more than anything else!
            I’ve never had trouble setting boundaries at work with my students or colleagues, with my kids, or with women in general.
            It’s a different story when it comes to men in an intimate relationship.

            I’ve seen you referring to Pantman, was he the N from 7 or 8 years ago?

          20. NarcAngel says:

            Great comment and attitude. I can relate to most of what you wrote. I noted when I first arrived here that you asked HG great questions and that continues. You are also generous in your interaction with others and offer up examples of your experiences which is both helpful and welcoming, so I wanted to take a minute to express my appreciation of your presence here on the blog. But my favourite bit of course is the saucy drinking nun. Haha.

          21. Awww NA, what lovely thinks to say! Thank you. And of course you have a great understanding of it all and much warmth and advice to give. Your advice is always backed up and you have excellent judgement on given scenarios. Invaluable! Yes the smoking nun hahha that’s how I feel inside. What prompted your Choice of picture?

          22. NarcAngel says:

            The pic sprang from joking around with others here early on. Can’t remember specifically, but there was talk of empath Marvel and DC characters, capes, and of perching on buildings looking for offenders etc. Be grateful – there was also talk of a Canadian in a fur-lined bikini. I considered changing it at one time (as well as my name) but by then it was how I was known and the consensus at that time was that it remain. It also has the advantage (I’m told) of being easily identifiable for those who want to scroll past my posts (but we all know they don’t haha). What about yours?

          23. alexissmith2016 says:

            Ah that’s great! I’m glad you kept it. Noone would want to scroll past your comments NA! now way!

            Mine, a lot of good with a little bit of bad ahahaha. I think HG may argue that its more evenly balanced than that though.

          24. WhoCares says:


            “It also has the advantage (I’m told) of being easily identifiable for those who want to scroll past my posts (but we all know they don’t haha).”

            This cracked me up.
            Be assured that some of us use it to *more easily* locate your contributions when scrolling through posts.

          25. alexissmith2016 says:

            That said pantman can send my ET from 0-60 in less than 1 second

          26. Violetta says:

            Ah, the suicide routine:

            Richard:If thy revengeful heart cannot forgive,
            Lo, here I lend thee this sharp-pointed sword;360
            Which if thou please to hide in this true bosom.
            And let the soul forth that adoreth thee,
            I lay it naked to the deadly stroke,
            And humbly beg the death upon my knee.
            [He lays his breast open: she offers at it with his sword]365
            Nay, do not pause; for I did kill King Henry,
            But ’twas thy beauty that provoked me.
            Nay, now dispatch; ’twas I that stabb’d young Edward,
            But ’twas thy heavenly face that set me on.
            [Here she lets fall the sword]370
            Take up the sword again, or take up me.

            Lady Anne. Arise, dissembler: though I wish thy death,
            I will not be the executioner.

            Richard III (Duke of Gloucester). Then bid me kill myself, and I will do it.

            Lady Anne. I have already.375

            Richard III (Duke of Gloucester). Tush, that was in thy rage:
            Speak it again, and, even with the word,
            That hand, which, for thy love, did kill thy love,
            Shall, for thy love, kill a far truer love;
            To both their deaths thou shalt be accessary.

      2. Gina says:

        Absolutely, the MMR did this.

        1. alexissmith2016 says:

          I’m sure Gina x

  3. Gina says:

    Someone in my family was on a jury last year for a murder case. Husband killed his wife. Wife was terminally ill with cancer and was wheelchair bound. Apparently the doctors only gave her a few months to live. The husband was drinking much of the time. His defense was that she was asking to die, an assisted suicide. The husband shot the wife, I believe 12 times at close range. He then called her 90 something father and told him what he did.
    I don’t remember exactly but they were married for a very long time. The husband got life in prison.
    Made me wonder why he didn’t just wait for her to pass instead of killing her. Do you think this was fury that she was leaving him?

    1. Renarde says:


      How horrific. Surely he lost control of his fury? Got to have been an L.

      I bet that woman really suffered in her marriage.

      1. Gina says:


        1. Renarde says:


          Yup. She did something, probably nothing but we can never know.


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