A Lack of Support

img_1090

 

We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

31 thoughts on “A Lack of Support

  1. truthseeker6157 says:

    Leigh, there are those that have been here far longer who are better to comment on this. But, whilst the temptation is to get revenge, it isn’t worth the risk of getting drawn back in. If you have decided to go, best form of revenge really is to cut his fuel supply in its entirety by no contact. You don’t get the fireworks and immediate gratification of trying to play him at his own game, but you are at your most effective following this route.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Correct.

      That “immediate gratification” is a sensation created by emotional thinking and is masking the arrival of The Devil´s Pitchfork.

      1. Cat says:

        Your advice about the devil’s pitchfork is so ahead of our thinking HG. As always. I try to understand your comment through analogy of addiction.

        We think taking a cigarette calms us down, when instead, it is those hours when we’re not having a smoke that we feel strong withdrawal.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct.

    2. Leigh says:

      Truthseeker6157, I know it’s my emotional thinking. The formal intimate relationship has been over for over a year now and yet there is still this piece of me that wants him to suffer. That’s why I come to this blog, it always brings me back and gives me clarity.

      I just want to get to a point where he really is irrelevant to me. One day I’ll completely heal and he won’t matter to me anymore.

  2. ava101 says:

    I’ve been isolated because of the virus for months!! and where I am living, it is still for the next weeks — only 5 km allowed from home, and I cannot meet anyone that way officially. Don’t know many people close by. So I left for another country, where lockdown is a lot more lifted, and things more relaxed, i. e. freedom of movement not restricted. So I am staying with a friend, I had met last year, I had mentioned him. Stupid me, because while he said that he was totally ok being isolated and telling me he hadn’t gone outside at all except for food shopping (and he has put on a lot of weight, so I kinda believe him that), I had thought he would be glad to have company now, and from this week, we could go outside, cafes and restaurants, even bars, are open, also parks, and beaches, etc. Could all be wonderful, after all, he was my “lover” when I saw him last 2 months ago, and the way he texted me afterwards, ….
    So, I came here to stay with him have company, someone to talk to, to cuddle …. to have sex …. to go out … in short, to enjoy life again as far as possible with face masks on.
    And he makes me cry every single day/night now, in addition to me being scared, and alone. Playing the same games, like … claiming we shouldnt have sex now all of a sudden, pushing me away, then again coming to me, and hugging me, lying close next to me, … but pushing me away again …. only time he now initiated sex was while I was still half asleep in the early morning, and he was more rough than loving ….
    So, now he claimed, he wasnt used to be living with someone, after me staying here for 3 days … he didnt care AT ALL about getting any food for me, or making the place nice, nothing at all, and not wanting to go out at all. I came here to enjoy open cafes and restaurants, and he acts like that was a terrible thing to go out and enjoy himself with me. I would love to go somewhere with him at the weekend, but he is suggesting that I meet strangers, that is, from a facebook group or so, of expats, and digital nomads, and such like — instead of doing anything with him.
    He says he doesn’t want a relationship which is kind of ok with me, but he keeps telling me all the time, how I was too old for him, how he didn’t feel it (no, I was NOT asking him for it). And so, while he says, he hadn’t met anyone at all for months, and that he wasn’t seeing anyone, etc., that he was busy working, he texts other women on FB and God knows where on his phone, while I am sitting next to him. Not so that I can see it, I saw it when he left the computer open when in the shower … (Yea, sorry …. how could I turn my eyes to his laptop screen ….. I know …. ), …. several women, he obviously didn’t either ever meet or didn’t for a long time — but he did say stuff like “I would like to have a glass of wine with you” … that woman was asking him when they could meet, and he answered “a weekend maybe”, but never mentioned me.
    So, while I know that he isn’t very monogameous, and not my boyfriend, I still don’t get why now he does nothing but make me cry and push me away, and in this situation.
    I don’t know where else to go in this situation, with borders closed, quarantine, and not knowing anyone else in this town … meetups I had attended a year ago here, aren’t up at the moment yet, unfortunately. I didn’t travel to see a friend in a different country, only to be staying somewhere on my own again, and to travel alone … I could have stayed then where I was.
    I know it kinda fits the picture, but I thought he was just a mini narcissist, and that it was ok for one week, ….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Since there’s doubt, work it out https://narcsite.com/narc-detector-2/

      1. ava101 says:

        No doubt, – as he was so distracted this morning (by me shouting at him) to leave his Facebook open when he left for work.

        OMG, women only (only!), all of them messaged by him with stuff such as “now that restrictions are lifted, we can meet at the weekend / for coffee – I make great coffee / wine – I have great wine at my apartment / I can give you a massage …”, etc. all written on the same days, all while I was talking with him about the exact time of my stay with him, or while I was with him. As in — WITH him. In devaluation, for whatever reason. Giving HIM a massage.

        Worse than I could have imagined, and worse than I have seen before, ever. Like making every contact possible out there, not discriminating at all.
        As you have always said, HG — same pictures sent to them, as to me. Same stuff told, or rather, adapted to each person a bit.

        Am 100x worse now than in isolation, as now also been told/shown by him, how worthless to him, too old, too God knows what. Yes, I know that that his his pathology, and not the truth.

        Why, can I never listen to you …

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because your ET gets in the way. You need to make a commitment Ava101 to tackling it and stick to that commitment. It is in your best interests to do so.

          1. ava101 says:

            Yes, sir. Left that place and got drunk on my own on portwine now, in different gorgeous city. Seemed the logical thing to do. So now he texted me like crazy. ;D

            HG lets say someone … hypothetically … might have blocked his flirt contacts on FB — would that have any effect?
            And I think it is more my .. uhm ….sensual thinking.Don’t love him, but he doesn’t believe me that.

    2. Lorelei says:

      Dear Ava—look at this as a prime example of how you won’t ever be treated again. Even if he’s an empath (and he’s clearly not) would you want this ongoing? Of course not. I’m sorry you are rather stuck, it’s temporary though. Warm thoughts to get you through this. He sounds like a pig.

      1. ava101 says:

        Thnak you, Lorelei. I seem to be unable to learn. But I told him today that he is a pig (asshole), and pathological lier and left. He asked me many hours later how his wine glass could have broken. How would I know … ……??
        So not stuck anymore, just disappointed and mad, both of/at him and myself.

  3. truthseeker6157 says:

    HG, this one confuses me. I think you know why. Could it depend on the way in which a person asks for support? In a non emotional way? I don’t problem share for example. I give emotional support, people tell me their problems but if something upsets me, I don’t tell. I go to my corner. What I do do though is research and pick brains. So I’m more likely to say, ‘ I need to pick your brains on something.’ Could I borrow you for a minute, I need your advice.’ It’s factual, If I’m worried or upset, this won’t be shown. No emotional support is being requested. I don’t trust anyone with that role. Knowledge is being requested. Does this impact the response? If it does, like with many things people want or need, it’s not what you ask for that’s important, it’s the way you ask for it. Similarly, if The request is made and the discussion is had. I don’t revisit. There is no return to the subject. I tend not to say ‘I tried what you suggested, this happened or that’. I assume if someone wants to know how I’m doing, they’ll ask.

  4. lickemtomorrow says:

    I had this experience with my now ex-narc more recently. It was a work related situation, and I let him know I was struggling with some internal/infernal politics. I was upset and told him so via txt. He disappeared. Hours later when he finally did respond he got some nice juicy fuel from me wondering where he had been when I needed him. Now I know. Anywhere, but there. He went one better by ‘pretending’ to misunderstand what the issue was when he finally did get back to me. Gaslighting at its best (and most hurtful). He even found a benign comment of mine which appeared to be critical of him to focus on in order to draw attention back to himself, having me provide more fuel, and/or an unnecessary apology. I marvel now at his ability to do this … all this … while I remained clueless (up until now) of his motivation.

    Your explanations are so succint, HG. I now no longer have to wonder about so many things, and can make sense of so much more.

    I never thought I would be thanking someone just like him for granting me an understanding of all he put me through.

    But, there it is.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      Just by way of clarification, he and I are of the brethren but I am far superior. Naturally.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Haha, HG. How did I know you were going to say that?

        Indeed.

      2. ava101 says:

        You said you can control and play with a mid ranger, yes?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I can, you cannot.

          1. Love says:

            Can I?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You should not do so.

          3. Love says:

            Awww that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me ❤️

          4. Lorelelei says:

            In a romantic context indeed, but there is infrastructure in place for mid-range (lesser, etc.) behavior in the work place for instance. We can’t just always not take a stand because they are “narcissists.” There are times when it is fair to realize that certain infrastructure is in place due to narcissists, and exists to deal with their many inadequacies. There are behaviors that we do not have to tolerate such as sexual misconduct, bullying, etc. in particular environments. I understand the implication is “relationship oriented” (likely) but I guarantee 90% of my serious HR issues when I worked admin were related to narcissism. It is interesting to note that this is further illustrative of how successful narcs can not be, because they piss in the wind quite often and back upon themselves. Prisons, courts, anonymous reporting hotlines.. Created to manage and control narcissism. I would not deem this a success when suggested to view narcissists are strong and cunning. I would view it as overgrown children creating chaos and discord. My ex husband went out and bought a 70K “toy car” and is living in a rental house. It is quite obvious to many people that he is ridiculous. I do not regard his demeanor as anything but rudimentary and embarrassing. It is a matter of time before he loses his job due to his behavior. Then he will have a 70K car, a house he doesn’t own, and a nipple ring at age 50. Who would want to control this anyway?! Maybe that is a better question–who would want such a shit show? They are forever getting their dick stuck in a zipper. No thanks.

          5. leighwarren17 says:

            It would be fantastic if you could teach us how to control and play with a mid ranger. Is that even possible?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            No.

          7. Violetta says:

            I’d as soon play with a murder hornet.

          8. Ava101 says:

            Why can’t I??

            He got nicer again and if I didn’t know your explanations about the fuel matrix I would think he is bipolar or whatever … I know I should be no contact but I get panic attacks.

            Got let down today by the next narcissist, just an acquaintance, but still, extreme let down. I only ever meet people like him. Like this. Throwing me aside.

          9. Leigh says:

            Violetta, Ain’t that the truth! The sting from a narcissist is far worse!

            Sometimes I just wish they could feel the sting!

        2. Leigh says:

          Bummer! It would be nice to mess with their head for a change.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            1. Of course, but that is emotional thinking.
            2. You are not equipped to do it directly.
            3. To attempt to do so results in the arrival of The Devil´s Pitchfork and thus is contrary to your interests in one, two and probably three different ways.
            4. You have given far too much to the narcissist already, GOSO means an end to that.
            5. You look to your own defences. You can control yourself, you cannot control the narcissist.

          2. Leigh says:

            I know you’re right Mr. Tudor. Especially about giving him far too much already.

            You always make me see clearly. Thank you.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome, Leigh.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Why Not Let Me Go?