The Narcissist and Feelings
Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back.
You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you.
All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened.
Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.
I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore.
I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel.
I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward.
All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion.
My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.
I feel powerful.
I am powerful.
12 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Feelings”
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Afternoon FYC. I have listened to the series–maybe I’ll jump in the forum. I understand how genuine you are, I’ve seen it and there is a boundless energy that emits from you to be kind. My reflection as it stands is to say my initial feeling re, “my situation” was rather apoplectic–truly. I didn’t even have enough energy to be so angry before the knowledge of this simple but complex disorder. Perhaps ultimately, I am more angry I did not know. I had not been given the tools to know so how could I? Gradually, the impact of poor behaviors is indeed (at times) suffusing into mere nothingness due to the education. There is a randomness to the distribution of my dissolution from who I have feelings toward and their behaviors. It washes away in waves at times. I have some occasional amusement directed at my ex-spouse, perhaps it is ET, perhaps it is because I am a person who finds amusement in nonsense and it is indeed a behavioral buffet. All of this opportunity is afforded from all of this (here). There is no problem in having compassion for people. I have and do have relationships with narcissists that have treated me fabulously due to my position in the fuel matrix. Several of my greatest influences in fact. I also work with criminals every day that I work—and I enjoy my patients, tremendously. There has been no necrosis of thought on how intricate these matters are for any of us. Indeed, for most of us we flourish individually and collectively once we know. For me to survive in my work I have to be trauma informed and compassion exists on the periphery because it has to. For me to have compassion adopts a certain vulnerability that cannot reside in certain venues. One minute I can laugh with some of these men and if I turn my back on the wrong one I can be next. I can’t forget what they are. Trauma informed creates a barrier, compassion is a bridge. One has to come before the other for me to be safe. Do I have compassion for my father? Why bother? He’s dead, he served his purpose. Compassion for my ex? Why bother–he let our dog lay on a cold concrete floor while he watched television. Do I have compassion for what he experienced to turn him into a disordered individual? I have compassion for the theory of what turns a normally developing child into a narcissist, of course. But no I don’t have a warm thought for him or any narcissist’s plight. I choose a forensic view. I tried to feel “soft” re, my father’s situation and it just didn’t work. It was wasted energy. (for me) My brothers didn’t even leave flowers on his grave the other day. No one cares. That is the legacy he left behind. That is what narcissists that up close and in the proper alignment leave for us. No one is immune. So, the friend who comes and does handy work. The teacher. Those who I know what they are.. I don’t forget and this where compassion sits on the burner and trauma informed stays in the forefront. HG is well aware I support his work. I have no difficulty claiming it is the best. This does not co-mingle with compassion for me personally. If I were dead on a street corner he would walk by and not flinch. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have value and that I can’t understand the sadness or whatever it was that was once there, but that page turned long ago. When I discuss the fine details of how certain things came to be it is with reflection of how to prevent this from happening to other children moving forward. A pickle will never again be a cucumber. The cucumber is tangible and the pickle is done.
Good afternoon, Lorelie,
Thank you for your kindness and for sharing your experience and views. I think I may be confused RE your job. I thought you worked in an ER environment? If you are working around dangerous individuals, I agree, it is best to remain clinical and forensic and distant as much as possible. They would perceive any kindness as a weakness and an invitation to manipulate.
In general, you are correct: The cucumber has already been pickled and cannot return to its former state, but I can understand and empathize RE the picketing process. From the N’s perspective, I believe they would feel *more* powerful than their former self. More like phoenix rising from the fiery ashes of abuse. HG has made me see more clearly both perspectives. This speaks to one reason N’s see no need for change.
As for me, I only know HG through this blog. I have zero risk of becoming an IP. I can speak whatever I think or feel safely here due to that fact and other facts. I deeply appreciate this unique opportunity. I have found it most educational, transformative and enlightening. I am nothing but grateful. No one else understands this topic with greater clarity than HG, and his candor is remarkable. I am sure you appreciate these attributes as well.
Also I see you sharing more of your story and I appreciate that and find it helps me gain perspective. Thank you for doing so.
Thanks FYC. I do work emergency, but nearly all of my male patients are formerly incarcerated and/or in the legal system. I have twice now been unable to even park due to gun shots. Violence is frequent—I’ve seen extreme violence. Our security staff is highly on guard. Gun shots walk in a lot, overdoses in the bathrooms. I have to monitor the door near my office area if someone is in there too long. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve also worked briefly with sex offenders—but not enough to really put on my CV. It was early on. I improve patient care & outcomes by being trauma informed, my first master’s work was essentially on trauma informed care. At the core is aiding individuals the capacity to regain and maintain a sense of control which is why it’s helpful for obvious reasons. I am very capable of managing acute situations where there is violence—often mitigating it. I also advocate for these individuals, often while others say unkind things. I would also be exhausted to consider each persons background. As HG says, the cake is baked. We are here and now. HG’s work is excellent indeed. I’ve never, nor would I suggest otherwise.
HG, The first time I read this post I thought it so sad you could not know love and joy and happiness and I wanted that for you. I could not have known, nor understand, what your experience had been. Now, post KHG, I do understand so very much more. When happiness and love become life-threatening, when pain and loss capsize your young, innocent world, when peace cannot be found and no boundaries keep you safe, when you are left tortured and powerless, what else would one need to overcome and survive? I understand your need for control and power now, and why it is so crucial. As for your hatred, those who gave birth to this emotion are most deserving of your hate. You deserved so very much more. I understand now and I thank you for the privilege of knowing. Your power keeps you safe.
Beautifully expressed, and I’ll second that, FYC. So glad you shared your thoughts.
It is always a privilege to know about the lives of others, and gracious of them to share as well. There is an enormous sense of vulnerability that normally goes with that, which is where the sense of privilege comes from for me.
HG doesn’t have to share his story, or maybe he does? Can you confirm, HG, it is your choice to share that part of your story with us? The reality is you could just talk about what it is to be narcissist and ways to escape the narcissist, without giving us an insight into the creation. Your own personal creation.
I will share what I wish to share. You are welcome to ask me whatever you would like. If I choose to answer, I will, if I do not it is because I do not wish to but I am not offended by the question. I encourage my readers to ask questions of me in order to understand.
For some reason, I am unable to ‘like’ this comment, but thank you for your response.
I have felt cautious at times about asking a question in the past, including this one, but now I’m glad I did. It is good to know you will not be offended and that you encourage our curiosity.
Thank you again.
FYC—I think the power is the safety auto pilot that happens, but narcissists lose the capacity to connect to their trauma so it’s a good lesson for all these mandatory treatment initiatives designed to do nothing but teach “How to improve facade management..” It’s useless to want a different emotional spectrum for those who lost it. (As you know) Resources need invested in victims. I’m not sad for narcissists generally speaking because if they can’t expend emotion to their trauma why should I? It’s not being insensitive but practical. I think we can be trauma informed, which is different than applying a sadness to that which is lost. Being trauma informed is having a forensic appreciation for behavioral nuances. It’s us that acclimate best and have a lessened impact by staying out of the current.
Lorelei, That is an interesting point of view. I view and experience things differently. I am a mixture of logic and emotions. I have no problem with being forensic or scientific. I also have no problem with being authentic with my emotions and empathy. My comment above was from the heart, not my head. It was not transactional in the least. I seek nothing nor lose anything. In life, I give my thoughts and feelings and all else freely. My compassion and empathy is boundless and endless, so I am never in deficit. I was empathizing with HG’s abuse and loss, and recognizing precisely why the defense is necessary, and how it keeps him feeling both powerful and safe.
For me, it is important to understand all sides. HG is deserving of my compassion. Is it not a lack of empathy and love that created the need for the life-saving defense in the first place? I’ll not add to that. I think you also are aware I am no fool and I’m not deluded. The important thing for us empathetic targets to remember is, we hold the power to opt out. So in real life, I do. Here, HG has been nothing but gracious and he has armed me with invaluable knowledge. Fortunately, this is a uniquely safe place for honest engagement.
Lorelei, I can assure you I comprehend far more than you may think. I doubt HG gave my comment a second’s thought. As for fellow empaths, I assume they are intelligent, so I feel no need to say “What you are about to read is not recommended for communication with real-life Ns!” Also, If you listen to the KHG series in its entirety, you will gain a better understanding of where my comment is coming from.
HG – One cannot “pursue” joy. It manifest naturally, spontaneously. At least that’s my experience.
Funny story: A couple days ago I was talking to one of my best girlfriends who hadn’t had sex in years. I could never imagine and teased her about it from time to time. When she told me she got laid last week I was so JOYFUL. I was happy *for* her, warm and giddy and smiling and laughing. I love her so much.
I felt like I was the bubbles in a glass of champagne!! That is what joy feels like to me.
Oh, HG, I wish you could know what a powerful feeling love was. When you talk about power, it is the ultimate one. Of course, there is power in hatred, but it is negative, not positive. It is for tearing down, not building up.
Which is why the way of the narcissist is to tear down, after prompting the illusion of building up (love bombing).
The way of the empath is to build up, perhaps only to be torn down. It depends, but loss is a part of life. I’d rather have had those feelings than not have had them at all. And to pick myself up again is possible.
There is no vanity in experiencing the emotion of others. It may seem vain to take on their feelings and their burdens, and we do get caught in a trap sometimes. But, what we also do is build a better world with compassion and understanding, hope and strength.
What is it not to feel the compassion of others or their understanding? It is torment. Unless you don’t need it.
And if it wasn’t jettisoned, and wasn’t stored, it was because someone who didn’t have it didn’t give it.
That doesn’t make it wasted and without purpose. But, it does make an alternative route necessary for some.
I can’t comprehend life as other than an empath, and I’m sure you cannot do the same from your perspective.
But, here we lend eachother understanding of a kind. It’s no fun being an empath at times. You have shared in your writings some of the torment you also feel. Neither of us is having fun all of the time. My aim is not happiness. It is to live a true and authentic life. Happiness does not always acquaint well with that.
But, we’re in this world together. You will burn us, and we will get burned. But, that is not the end of the story.
Egads HG you are human after all – what I feel I think – classic Cognitive Behaviour 🙂