Why Is The Narcissist Always In My Head?




“He is always on my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

Start getting the narcissist out of your head using this

13 thoughts on “Why Is The Narcissist Always In My Head?

  1. wildviolet22 says:

    A while back I had a therapist (Shari Schreiber, the one who wrote a very good blog about borderline men) say to me, look at the ways that this person is like your mother. It was interesting, because I hadn’t thought about him that way before. But he did have female borderline (waif/ hermit; sometimes witch/ queen) energy, and I kind of felt like the guy. Very similar to how my mother was when I was growing up. Sometimes super nice, sometimes depressed and neglectful, sometimes mean, sometimes crazy. You never knew what side of her would show up. There were also some similarities to my father, too (“lesser” like- stonewalling; abusive rants that would come out of no where). So I do believe when a person has the same “vibrational frequency” as people from your upbringing, that can have a very powerful pull. Plus we knew each other for so long..

    But I also think he was also in my head too much because I was communicating with him, and therefore I kept putting a big, fat target on my forehead by doing so. It was hard, and I’m not out of the woods yet. I did break my no contact (January & Februrary, and I broke it in March during the start of the pandemic), but all it did was reinforce for me why I was no contact in the first place. However, I can tell I’m a little better because I now have days where although he might still be on my mind, it’s more of a background thing, and I can focus more now on books and movies, and things that interest me. And I might be sad and even a little depressed, but I’m grateful for at least feeling more stable and steady. I have *zero* desire to go back to the hell of the high highs and horrible lows of the emotional roller coaster ride that contact with him brings. So things are improving, I think.

  2. MGM says:

    You’re so smart, HG. Have had the unfortunate (or fortunate) encounters with quite many with narcissist disorder, male and female. The females may be rare, but are pure grotesque. The face when triggered, the eyes, the way they lick their lips which they all do, the creepy reptilian stare, the comical audacity of the magical thinking of power and control. The most ugly being in the world is the female narcissist, maybe because the male narcissist can control emotions and reactions, therefore remaining somewhat covert or alternatively brazen.

  3. Fiddleress says:

    I love this article. It is extremely interesting about the way that the memory of event works for men and women.

    I have always been very sensitive to music. I am so glad that I can now simply enjoy listening to Nick Cave’s “Jubilee Street” without too much emotion linked to N, although I am bound to think of him as soon as the song starts. And it is not a short one either (over 6 minutes long)!
    It is from an album called Push the Sky Away; there is an other song on that album that I listened to at the beginning of that relationship and felt deep inside that it was prophetic – it goes: “It’s the will of love, it’s the thrill of love, oh but the chill of love is coming down”.

    We embarked on that crazy train at the outset of summer. Autumn was chilly enough. Winter took it away.
    Now summer is coming back, and with an extended Q&A !
    (Hey, notice the rhyme?)

  4. blackcoffee30 says:

    I don’t believe in everpresence or encoding, but as you say it in my nature to remember.

    Annie Lennox’s Walking on Broken Glass reminds me of one of my high school best friends because of a night we had so much fun I nearly burst with excitement, fear, and happiness. I didn’t plan it, it just is.

    There is one 80s song I am 100% sure will trigger the 6th sphere as well as the smell of sea salt and sugared violets. I’m not sure what will trigger my memories of him yet. Our relationship hasn’t faded enough yet, but it will.

  5. Presque Vu says:

    Is that Alan Shearer? 😆

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Bit harsh!

      1. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Aww I love shearer! Please can he be one of ours and not yours

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. oh no!!!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Oh yes.

  6. kel says:

    I just watched a movie about Errol Flynn who was every bit a narcissist, but i can’t stop liking him, nobody could. He might have been a pretty boy but he was just as much as swashbuckler in real life as he was on screen. He wasn’t afraid of a fight, he was swift at dodging a punch and adept at hitting back, and would win, and then leave calmly and with class, drinks for everyone on him. His first marriage was a great example of how a narcissist drives an empath crazy and make them look like the bad guy.He admitted in his autobiography that he essentially hated women – never mind that he seduced all of them, and I think he said he’d have sex with anything that moved. His mother apparently had affairs and abused him when he was young. David Niven moved out of the house they were renting when Errol came onto him, and David said about him, you can rely on Errol Flynn – he’ll always let you down. That’s what I used to say about my narc – that he always disappointed. Stewart Granger said Errol was a bit of a sadistic devil, but it was always done with such charm and sense of mischief that he was always forgiven. I will always love Errol on screen, but I completely relate to his first wife, Lily. It’s just like it doesn’t matter what Frank Sinatra was like in real life, I can enjoy his songs. Narcissists are such a complete waste in real life, but their illusion is definitely something to appreciate and admire from afar. It’s a pity they ruin it, and that they have that evil streak in them that sabotages the good in them.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      “you can rely on Errol Flynn – he’ll always let you down.”

      Sentiment worth bottling when it comes to narcissists.

      Frank Sinatra was a narcissist? They’re coming out of the woodwork now …

  7. lickemtomorrow says:

    Oohh, I’m definitely a sponge. I soak in atmospheres, moods, and the rest of the shebang just mentioned.

    What a curse! Sometimes I wish I could just be oblivious. Never going to happen.

    And the songs. Oh, the songs. I’ve had one on repeat the last few days. That’s what I do. Let the feelings wash over me. Sink into the mire until the catharsis has ended. And it does eventually come to an end.

    Thankfully, there are some bitchin’ songs out there that help in the fight back as well. Rihanna’s ‘Take a Bow’ has served me well on occasion.

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