The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist
You know that No Contact is the key to beating the narcissist, but how does it affect the narcissist?
This Logic Bulletin explains to you what happens when you impose your No Contact Regime and how you can expect the narcissist to respond.
It covers Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists in fascinating detail.
How does the narcissist feel?
What happens if you tip-off the narcissist that you are leaving him or ending the relationship?
What happens to the narcissist if you end the relationship and say nothing?
How does the narcissist respond?
What do you need to look out for in terms of common errors which will prejudice your no contact regime and place you at risk?
What will the narcissist do by way of response, so you can ascertain how to avoid this?
The content of this Logic Bulletin will give you these answers and more so you can build your Logic Defences and understand what will happen when you impose no contact now or in the future.
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22 thoughts on “The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist”
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There are people in my life that cannot know of my entanglement. My concern now is that he will turn malign and try to smear me. This would devastate my current relationship.
Before I read HG’s reply this morning I have already received another FB message and 5 requests for video chats. Messenger notifications now turned off and have not gone on FB.
If by ET you mean wanting the entanglement back, that is not correct. Now, I am flat out scared he will ruin my life. Just thought maybe a short preemptive ‘wish you well’ message might appease his sense of control and get him off my back.
Well done on turning notifications off.
ET does not mean you want the relationship, it can manifest as that for some people, but it can manifest as wanting to confront the narcissist, wanting to expose the narcissist, wanting the narcissist to explain themselves, wanting the narcissist to account for how they have hurt you and many, many different ways. Your fear that he will ruin your life is being driven by ET, that is a manifestation of it see “Fear and the Empathic Victim.” Do not send a message to him, that is a breach of no contact. Thinking it will appease his sense of control and get him off your back, is ET because it is causing you to apply flawed logic by thinking that what you are doing is sensible, when it is not. I recommend you arrange a consultation so I can take you through your no contact regime.
My narc just contacted me after 2 plus years of no contact. This is very difficult to not respond and tell him to get lost.
How did he contact you?
You need not tell him to get lost. Do not respond.
By email. Very unusual for him.
Why now? Gathering my thoughts and giving it time to set in. He is very proud and would NEVER apologize or abase himself. He once said that ‘they always call’. Meaning women would forgive any treatment in order to be in his orbit.
I sort of ghosted him after the last devaluation. Just had had enough.
I have read all your works. I know GOSO and rigid no contact is the rule. I’ve done that for over 2 years. Payback is definitely a thought.
Not for a moment do I think he is sincere in his apologies. You have taught me well to proceed very carefully.
Never was sure of what school, but I do think he is upper mid or maybe even a greater. Most likely psychopath or sociopath.
There was no reason to devalue me to the degree that he did, other than true malignancy. I think he truly enjoyed it. I was a secondary DLS. At the risk of sounding like a narc, I provided everything he could want, both as a normal man and a narc without any commitment/hassle. I think he overplayed his hand and never thought I would just go no contact.
Thoughts?
1. Block that email address even better change yours.
2. Do not read anything that comes from him, just put it in a folder in case you need to rely on the material e.g. a chain of emails, for an application for a restraining order.
3. You are correct that on the basis he is a narcissist, his apologies are not genuine.
4. Use the Narc Detector https://narcsite.com/narc-detector-2/ to establish school.
5. Devaluation is driven by control.
6. If you wish to understand more about the dynamic and what you need to, arrange one of these https://narcsite.com/private-audio-consultation/ and I will assist you further, P.
I have become quite clinical/logical in my reasoning pertaining to narc’s. I know this communication from him is a bid for further fuel. But I know that it may be my best opportunity for payback.i realize that any response raises risks of getting sucked back in. I have no intention of resuming our prior arrangement and this was his source of power and control.
For 2 plus years I have promised myself that one day I would exact some type of revenge. But I am not governed by my emotions. I bided my time. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Though on another level I know not responding is another form of passive payback. I will consider your suggested consultations. Still mulling my options. Who knows, I may respond and never hear back. That was one of his favorite games.
I encourage you to consult and avoid the lure of emotional thinking in responding to him.
P,
You can feel ok. You can feel like you are fixed and back in control. Then comes the hoover. Your Emotional Thinking rises and he is right back at the front of your mind again. So, you think about it for a while, you’re ET growing steadily. Before you know it you are convinced that a response is the best way to handle it. “I’ll message and tell him exactly where to go. I can do that because I’m fine now.”
I don’t think you can ever do that. What you want isn’t there to be had. No closure for you, no damage to him. Just a nice dose of fuel which tells him that yes, he was right to hoover, good, there’s more to be had out of her because she just couldn’t resist answering me could she? Such is my hold over her.
Nah, screw that. Don’t give him the fuel or the satisfaction. Do what HG suggests instead. This Narc knows how to mess up your narc! That’s all the revenge you need.
P
Your expressing in the same paragraph that you are not governed by your emotions and then your need for revenge seem at odds.
There is no “payback” as in them coming to the realization of what they have done followed by any kind of remorse. No one has any intention of getting sucked back in but it happens. Responding and not hearing back is really giving him the last word and is what he wants. Why not deny him that and let him burn that he wasn’t even worth a response? Silence is what will tell him that he doesn’t exist or matter. That’s what will stick him hard and you don’t have to lift a finger.
Accurate
You are right. HG advised me wisely, as well. I have decided to not respond. I realized that he may have held out and not responded back to me. Which would have given him back the power. Now, I have the power. And I hope it really upsets him to know that he can’t make me respond.
Also, I didn’t think he was sincere in his apology. Therefore remorse was out of the question.
My narc told me once that the most important thing to him was his reputation and what people thought of him. I have photographic and written words that could lose him relationships, his job and his fake standing in his church.
And he knows it.
I waited for 2 years for a Hoover. Now that it came, I will do nothing, which is difficult. But now, I have the power.
I am a good person. I loved him and gave him my heart. When I look back, I realize he was playing sick and twisted games from the very beginning. I am pissed at myself for still wishing that the good parts were real. But logic dictates otherwise. See, you are right about ET, as well.
This has gutted me.
Stay strong is my mantra.
Ty for your response
I will read it daily.
I have followed all advice and maintained no contact. Gave up on all the things I would have loved to say. Came to my senses on any idiotic thoughts of revenge. Now 10 days later he is sending me another message on FB messenger.(have never been FB friends). Cannot open it without him getting a read receipt. Just saw the first sentence.The Hoovers have not been malign. I really don’t want to get sucked back in. My life is better without him. Am I better off just blowing him off with a polite generic response so that he doesn’t turn malign? Or proceed with the no contact? I just don’t want him to ratchet things up.i thought he would go away with the first no response. I assume this is a ‘challenge’ for him-being ignored. I am worried he will turn nasty.
Do not respond. Stay off social media, including messenger for a period of time so you do not even see the hoovers, turn off notifications, even better remove messenger, it does not have to be forever but for long enough to allow your ET to drop to the safe level and for him to be repeatedly wounded by the failed hoovers.
Hi P
You are in very dangerous waters please don’t make this mistake
Trust me it will set you back so far you will be sobbing here saying WHY ?? again .
He sounds crass and not very smart , most likely a lower mid ranger or upper lesser as the comment he made is very very clumsy for a married man and not very stealth .
Is he married with several DLS if so please please run .
No good comes from revenge on married men .
Don’t go there , it’s the equivalent of two women physically scrapping over a complete jerk.It changes nothing for YOU .
Keep your head high never lower yourself to that .
PS He is probably bored , and is toying with you for his ego.
Don’t reply
You are right. Thought the situation is a little more complicated.
I never wanted to be anything else but a ‘friend with benefits’.
Don’t think he likes sex. I believe there may be a mommy issue. Definitely weaponized sex.
As far as the post script-I thought the same. He was always careful about his health. He has some issues that would make him at risk with COVID. .
I am sure he is scared since his job involves a lot of travel. Must be cramping his style since he probably had someone like me in different places. All long distance so he could minimize the sex.
Ty for your response.
P,
The same thing happened to me. We had not exchanged Facebook and never used Messenger. I received a message via Messenger then a second a week later. He even knew what to put in the first line to draw me in. Playful, him, us. I didn’t open the messages, but I was going to.
I was doing fine, the message arrived and I convinced myself I had to finish it properly. Stood my ground against HG and another reader who advised not to answer. My ET was screaming for me to answer. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I didn’t answer. I have uninstalled FB and messenger and deleted the messaging app we used to chat, plus permanently deleted my account. All is quiet.
My ET is down, my fight is back ( thought I might have lost that). I feel strong again. Still the odd dip here and there, but on the whole, I’m feeling good.
Don’t answer P. Don’t look at it. Do as HG suggests and you will feel so much better. We make all kinds of excuses as to why we should answer, we all do. That’s ET and it can shoot up incredibly fast. Remove the temptation. Feel better.
I have just read this Logic Bulletin and given it five stars. For those who wonder how to leave a narcissist because they fear the consequences, it gives a clear idea of how to go about it and what to expect.
It has been four months today since I implemented total no-contact with the last romantic N, which was a consequence of finding this blog. Glad I escaped without tipping him off.
Thank you Fiddleress.
You are welcome, HG.
And this Logic Bulletin will continue to make its way through my resolve to implement the same (no-contact) with the other male Mid-Ranger at least.
Good.
Hi Fidderless, glad to see you well and things are moving for you. Hope your weekend was better than you anticipated ❤