Hidden Engagement

HIDDEN-ENGAGEMENT

How many times have you stood outside the study door and pressed you ear against the door in the hope of hearing something? Many times I would wager. You press it closer and close your eyes as if shutting off one sense might just aid another. Is that our voice you can hear? It is difficult to tell as the frenetic and anxious beating of your heart causes the blood to roar in your ears and you cannot tell if that is us speaking in a low murmur, the sound of a television or the incessant hum of the technology on the other side of this portal. Are we speaking to someone or is that now the clack of the keyboard as our fingers glide across it?

What is it that we are doing beyond this door? Your hand reaches out to the handle but you know that it is pointless. The door will be locked. It was not long after we began these night time residences in the study that a lock was fitted and you have never seen the key. The room is always locked when we are in it. The room is always locked when we are not in it. You have no access. You once went to find a ladder, determined to peer in through the window and see what lies within. Strange thoughts of witnessing bizarre experiments flicked through your mind, visions of some hybrid beast chained and caged, a monster yet to be unleashed, yet as you looked up you could see that the blinds had been closed. Once again we had out strode you.

Even if a locked door did not bar your access you know that as soon as you began to open the door we would appear at it, face filling the crack, bodyweight behind it preventing you from pushing it open any further, our suspicious face blocking you from seeing what lay within. We soon ushered you away, muttering about having important work to do. You made kind noises, suggesting that we worked too hard and inviting us to allow you ingress so you might massage our shoulders but your suggestion did not even merit a reply as the door was shoved shut once again. You shall not pass might as well have been etched on the timber.

Now you walk past, the cold blue light leaking from underneath the door, evidence of the technology at work inside. You always pause and contemplate what we could be doing. What is it that engrosses us to such a degree that we are preoccupied inside this place nearly every night, from after dinner until late. You gave up trying to stay awake for our eventual appearance in bed.

Now, you awake in the night and find that we have magically appeared beside you, having soundlessly and lightly entered the room and climbed into bed. Occasionally you have debated looking for the key as we slept and trying to access our place of refuge but you have come to fear and dread the backlash from such clandestine behaviour as it as if we sleep with one eye open. We always catch you when you start to play us at our own game, with sneaking about and covert activities.

Truth be told you have no idea what goes on when we indulge in our night life. You may be told we are working or enjoying watching a film in peace, without the interruption of children, animals, telephones or you. There just might be a film on in the background but the only work that is being undertaken is of the plotting kind. We are busy tending to our growing kingdom of admirers as we flick between the first ‘phone, the second ‘phone and the computer.

Technological tendrils radiate away from these devices as we scour the dating sites, pick up the previous evening’s flirtations with someone with an inviting user name and bat back and forth the messages with a new prospect on Facebook. Our inbox bulges with the fruit of our nefarious labours, the computer screen contains an array of different tabs and notifications as the world of social media lights up the monitor. Messages, emoticons and pictures cascade towards us as we drink up this fuel. We reply to text messages, plan arrangements to meet, indulge in sending sexual snares to capture a willing victim and requesting plenty of pictures to send to the hard drive which is attached to the computer.

The heat from these exchanges would readily power the house for a week. You may hear a film but it will not be the latest block buster or some critically acclaimed production. Instead we will be staring glassy eyed at the naked figures which contort for out imagined direction. Our fingers grip the mouse and with each click we delve deeper and deeper into the vast array of pornography, our tastes becoming ever more extreme and dangerous. Some nights we might spend ten seconds watching one piece of footage before our eyes are drawn to a more enthralling thumbnail beneath which we dutifully click on. Then another and another.

We watch everything but see nothing as we flit like a butterfly from one porn site to another, dancing across the categories, inserting our own searches as we seek that elusive hit that satisfies us. Our eyes widen as an e-mail arrives and we immediately open it, delighting in the messages we can see racking up on our ‘phones. We are gorging on flirtation, infidelity and voyeurism.

Like a glutton we cannot get enough as we stuff ourselves with the fuel that flows from so many supply lines. As we do so our thoughts drift to you lying alone, no doubt wondering what we are doing and we allow ourselves a smile as we savour that drop of negative fuel, imagining your discomfort and loneliness.

It begins as an hour after dinner. Then two. Soon external appointments start to be discarded and avoided in order to make a return to the mothership and plug in to all of the waiting admirers in chatrooms, across the internet and in cyberspace. Soon the entire evening is given over to this pursuit and then it bleeds into the early hours until we are still sat wired and fuelled, clicking and surfing as the first rind of dawn can be seen on the horizon. This is our nightlife.

30 thoughts on “Hidden Engagement

  1. truthseeker6157 says:

    Ok. The key idea being to worry, anger or irritate the IPPS but the gorging whilst doing so is a tasty bonus. That makes sense. Did I just say that?! ( from your perspective)

    The IPPS might also be enjoying her time too though whilst you are ensconced in the study. Perhaps she is re enacting the scene from Flashdance complete with bucket. Or, carefully licking each one of your favourite lollipops and methodically putting them all back in the wrappers. She can’t see you, but similarly …

    Thank you for clarifying HG

    1. Feather says:

      Truth seeker
      Nothing about those times was enjoyable. I don’t consider myself weak by any means. I am strong, courageous, independent and intelligent but I would be sat there wishing he was with me. Torn up inside that he would rather be online. I have always had issues with being faithful but only a handful of times would I message other men and even that had no thrill. I wanted his attention the way I gave him mine, wholeheartedly. Sometimes it would be a relief from the abuse but most of the time it was torture

      1. truthseeker6157 says:

        Hey Feather.

        I think that is the desired effect narcissists are aiming for. Different devaluations will no doubt work differently on different people. That’s why they take so much time choosing and then working us out I suppose. I like my own space. I need my own space in fact. A few nights a week alone and I’d be able to do what I wanted, watch what I wanted, eat cereal for dinner and generally just do whatever I wanted to do. The scenario in the article will impact some more than others. I might react worse to a different devaluation.

        I don’t see wanting to be with someone as being weak. At all. I miss someone every day and don’t consider myself weak for doing so either, others might, so be it. Stands to reason you wouldn’t get a kick out of texting another guy. You didn’t want another guy. You wanted him. Whichever way you look at it, they find the buttons to push and delight in pushing them. No one is prepared for that.

        1. Feather says:

          I certainly wasn’t prepared for any of it Truthseeker.
          I have not had cereal for dinner for years. Thank you for the reminder. I was thinking that’s perfect I should have it tonight then realised the only cereal in the house is some chickpea and cocoa loops that I buy to make myself feel like a good parent. I assume they’re horrid. They become a paste like substance when you add milk. Healthy as they may be, this time of night deserves something more decadent or at least crunchy

  2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    If a partner needs to “check up” on their loved one, mistrust has been initiated in the first place, why ?
    They’re actually telling you what they really think of you
    They just don’t care !!!!
    People who truly luv each other, don’t create doubts to begin with
    I cannot get over how many females look at their partner’s phone and computers these days
    Big red flag, get out, because you will always be searching to find a reason and it will hurt more when you finally find out …… and you will
    If there’s no trust, there’s no relationship
    The only reason you’d lock your door is when your 5 year old won’t leave you alone and you want to “piddle in peace” 😂
    Excellent pre warning article Mr Tudor
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Violetta says:

      Bubbles:

      Locking the door for bodily functions doesn’t always work.

      [My friends’ 4-year-old is banging on the door]: Viollella, are you coming out soon?

      Vi: I’m on the potty. Do you need to go?

      He: When are you coming out?

      Vi: I’m not finished yet. You have a bathroom downstairs. If you have to go potty right now, I think that one’s empty.

      He: I don’t have to go potty.

      Vi: Why do you need me to come out if you don’t have to go potty?

      He: [long pause]….Play with me.

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Violetta,
        🤣
        That’s so cute !
        Now I have Mr Bubbles following me around wanting to know where I am …he misses me when I’ve disappeared for a while
        I still have to close the door 😂
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I got up to go to the bathroom once in my small cottage and my husband asked where I was going?
          I wondered: Why? How far could I get?
          But I SAID: I’m going to fuck the midget I keep in the attic.
          He laughed, but he doesn’t ask anymore

          1. HG Tudor says:

            But does the midget still laugh?

          2. NarcAngel says:

            Hahaha. Who cares? He’s a midget. Living in an attic.

        2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dearest NarcAngel,
          Only YOU would think to say something so
          Spontaneous like that 🤣
          Luv it !
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    2. Empath007 says:

      Sometimes people need evidence of their feelings though… it’s one thing to have a suspicion your partner is cheating, but unless there is evidence the person is just left with their feeling, questioning themselves . One could argue in a healthy relationship someone wouldn’t feel that way… but that’s not necessarily true, if someone had been wounded in the past they can carry those wounds and suspicions with them into the next relationship. I’ve also known people who’s husbands were cheating for years and they were completely oblivious… had no clue… decades of cheating would be revealed and leave them shell shocked. So is being clueless and not spying any better? Perhaps ignorance is bliss… but if I suspect cheating I would want evidence to back up my feeling… and It’s hard to get that evidence by having a conversation with my partner.

      1. Sometimes you know, but you don’t want to know because you think the pain will be too much to bear.

        1. Empath007 says:

          Fair !

          I need to know though. Part of the reasons I find myself here. I’m a truth seeker. Sometimes it’s helps… sometimes it doesn’t.

          1. I agree Empath 007, always better to know.

          2. NarcAngel says:

            I believe the mindset of wanting to know depends on what type of person/empath you are and what your mindset will allow you to do about it. My thought is that if you’re looking, you already know. You’re looking for evidence but it depends for what purpose. Everyone thinks they want to know – until they do.

          3. Empath007 says:

            I agree NA it’s definitely dependant upon the personality, and I also agree if someone has that strong of a feeling it’s a pretty good indicator they already know.

            For myself personally…. knowing for sure is generally helpful. For example. When my narc admitted he was a narc that lead me to do more research… which lead me here… and here I got the truth. I may have no liked it but I wasn’t afraid of it and it made it possible to move forward with my life knowing I knew what the truth was with full clarity. No more second guessing. Thanks HG!

      2. lisk says:

        “Perhaps ignorance is bliss… but if I suspect cheating I would want evidence to back up my feeling… and It’s hard to get that evidence by having a conversation with my partner.”

        I completely agree, E007.

        Based on what I’ve learned here, if one does suspect, it is better to just get out and say nothing–because the suspicion is *already* evidence.

        However, I only really KNOW this because of my own previous experiences:

        I have ALWAYS discovered evidence of my suspicions, either before, during, or after. Often, this “discovery” was pretty much handed to me. I did not have to search–or search hard–for it.

        1. Empath007 says:

          Good points. Often there is evidence we are ignoring hence why we suspect to
          Begin with !

        2. Crstne says:

          Even though I knew the cheating was happening, I NEEDED that hard evidence as a reason to leave. It literally felt as though I was required to have that evidence as proof for him, who continued to spin me around and around with lies of his whereabouts. We didn’t live together. It seems that the normal rules don’t apply. In a normal relationship, one can simply say they are leaving. With my NARC it felt like I was compelled to stay. Hence the need for hard evidence.

          1. Crstne says:

            Sadly, when I broke down and saw him again, I’d feel the need, once again, for new hard evidence. It was a terrible cycle. Back to the drawing board kind of a feel.

          2. Empath007 says:

            I hear you. I feel compelled to stay with out evidence as well !

            The evidence provides the validation I need for me to finally leave. Even though I didn’t logically need it … because as people mentioned the evidence is usually there to begin with… however, The environment the narcissits creates with gaslighting and cognitive dissonance keeps us in a constant state of doubt. But with evidence there is nothing to doubt. He can’t manipulate as effectively anymore because the truth is right in front of my eyes… I can see it therefore it makes it more real. and I can move on. He may refute the evidence but that simply just won’t do. Because I know the truth when I see it. And I’m happy to have the validation I need to confirm my feelings were correct.

            On this site I receive validation. Because when I read the material I know it to be true to my experience. And no one can take that away from me now.

          3. lisk says:

            ” It was a terrible cycle. Back to the drawing board kind of a feel.”

            Hence why it is better to get out and say nothing. It is better FOR YOU and your psyche.

          4. Beguiled says:

            @Empath007 Eloquently put, and I do feel validation (and comfort) from this site.

            Sorry for late reply, I have been going through it, finally got the balls to file a restraining order. He is whiley and evaded the Sheriff who was to serve him.

            @lisk I am finally doing just that. (easier said than done as he is like a drug I cannot get enough of regardless of his pathological lying and serial dating)

            Despite the failed attempt to serve him, I have begun the Final Battle and have had zero contact for a week. Just the beginning, but its a start.

  3. truthseeker6157 says:

    I’m not entirely sure I understand the thinking here. If there is no IPPS then yes, I can see the benefit of online interaction, but it still has to be low grade fuel. It’s highly unlikely you will meet these people. Too much effort required. Secondly, the IPPS offers proximate fuel. High grade. So why not spend time with the IPPS instead? I kind of get the ‘any port in a storm’ idea if there is no IPPS and it’s too late to contact inner or outer circle friends. Otherwise I’m missing the point here.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Triangulated Devaluation of the IPPS with other appliances. Result “Why are you always in the study?” “What are you doing in there?” “Please spend some time with me.” Fuel from devalued IPPS.

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Mr Tudor,
        If I did that to Mr Bubbles, he’d I was nagging him 🤣
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. WatashiWa says:

          There is no such thing as too much effort for the Narc is he’s to devaluate someone. It is his nature.

        2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Oops, insert
          * He’ d say

    2. Crstne says:

      IPPS becomes stale fuel.

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