Utopia
Utopia. You want it. We give it to you. What you may not realise is that you are the spark of inspiration for this utopia, we are not. We allow you to design this ideal world. Interestingly, your utopias are strikingly similar. It is a place where you are loved, protected and made to feel safe. For some of you it involves the trappings of comfort and prestige. The impressive residence which has been tastefully furnished inside and is laden with the benefit of society’s technological advances. It may manifest as a wardrobe that is bursting with the beautiful and eye-catching. It may hold the sensational from the art world or the most luxurious materials that the world has created over millions of years. In other instances it may be the presentation of a cup of tea on your night stand each morning that forms part of their perfect world.
Some of you reject the material and prefer to build this utopia on a foundation which you regard as more fulfilling, more deep-seated and nourishing. A land where mutual respect is a given, the simple pleasure of a stunning sunset evoking more delight and satisfaction than anything made by Bvlgari or Bentley. You want to be cherished, desired and listened to. For some it might be the intense passion of athletic love-making before the caress of soft hands lulls you into an all-encompassing slumber. Your utopia is a place where there is no anger, no tears and peace of mind. A place where one hand fits perfectly into another and will never let it go, a hand hold that says that it is okay to be frightened but you need not be because I will always be here. It is the knowledge that if you start to fall you will be caught. The wolf will always be kept from the door and nothing lurks in the darkness. It is a halcyon world where the scent of dill onion bread, or bacon or pancakes signifies that we are together and you never want that fragrance to ever diffuse. So many of you offer different interpretations of what constitutes your utopia yet so many themes remain the same. Love, happiness, smiles, warmth, contentment, caring, laughter and passion are recurrent.
You build this utopia. The bricks are in the words that you say when you first meet us. Those sentences over dinner become walls that create these magnificent buildings that rise upwards into the azure sky. Those whispered desires the metal girders that criss cross as the monument to our relationship takes form. The desire in your eyes creates the undulating countryside and crafts the clear rivers that run through the beautiful meadows and fields that form in your utopia. Your touch causes ripples across the landscape, creating and nurturing as the idyll forms. Everything you say and do, every expression and every glance, every thought and act is charged with such massive potential and it is all for the greater good. It is all to build utopia. You provide us with the plans and the materials and we set to, building this perfect world. You direct us and explain what utopia looks like, smells like and feels like. We are beholden to your instruction as we merely reflect what you want. You want to be called sweetheart every time we kiss you on the cheek? We do it. You want to dance through the night to the slowest of ballads? It is done. You want to receive a loving note through your letterbox? Consider it achieved. Each and every constituent part of this utopia is created by you, all we do is take what you want and make it happen. This is what we do. We are the facilitators of your dreams. We pay such close attention to the way you design this world, taking note of what should be excluded, what must be included and ensuring that every detail is executed.
We are so dedicated in our desire to build this perfect world for you that we spend as much time as we can with you, watching and observing, so that even your mannerisms begin to be included in this grand design. We are so skilled that we absorb everything about you, every hope, every desire and every dream and weave them into this utopia so that soon it begins to form and you marvel with an open mouth at how wonderful it is. It as if every breath you exhale creates another segment of this amazing place. Each heart beat thrusts life into it, every step you take transfers energy into this wonderland, your thoughts appear as if they were being written down as we somehow interpret them and cause them to become reality. You are the architect and we are merely the construction workers who endeavour to give you what you want and boy do we deliver. Nobody can create your utopia like us. Nobody has the skill or the dedication to bring this paradise to life. Does it matter that it is a construct, made from thoughts, dreams and wishes? Of course not, it is as real to you as the screen you now stare at and the fluttering sensation in your stomach. You can see it, taste, smell it, hear it and touch it. You are amazed at how perfect it is, it almost seems too incredible but it is not because you inspired it. You provided the drawings and plans and we brought it to life.
This is utopia.
This is all that you have ever wanted.
Now we have built it for you.
Does it matter that it is an illusion?
If so, well, you started it.
39 thoughts on “Utopia”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Read this article, then decided to go through all the text messages between me and the Narc. I didn´t make it! I got so DISGUSTED by all the Love Bombing and the Gaslighting, I didn´t even read half of it. I got so disgusted! There are clear messages from me which indicate that I KNEW something was off here. I just couldn´t point my finger on it. I KNEW something was wrong here just didn´t know WHAT?! I desperately tried to defend myself against the Love Bombing. But then came the Gaslighting.
My gut feeling told me that there´s a huge difference between the person acting on the outside and the person who is on the inside. I just couldn´t understand why? Couldn´t exactly point my finger on it! I somehow already felt that there is a facade and there´s the REAL person on the inside. That was way before I started reading here and H.G.s books, before I even knew anything about passive aggressive Mid Ranger Narcs.
I even wrote “I feel there is a huge monster inside you”. My goodness, I felt it!
HG says to toss the texts and the emails, etcetera, in order to completely go No Contact.
I have not tossed them yet and it is precisely for the usefulness of them as demonstrated by Leela here.
For me, the texts and the emails serve as evidence that corroborates all of HG’s material. I get great satisfaction out of identifying something that I “felt” to be instead something that, logically, was only love bombing or gaslighting or word salad, etc.
I am almost ready to let go of the evidence completely, as my “flashbacks” become fewer and also less intense.
Lisk,
So good to see your progression and very inspiring! You are another example of how each of us work through it all in various ways and stages. 😊
I kept them too – especially for H.G.´s analysis and to always remind myself WHAT this person is.
TS,
Let the tears come. This is a painful process but vital in order to heal. You’ve had to endure abuse but it is time for you now. Take it at your own pace and it will come in time. I have had to sit back many times and let my mind work through the pain and absorb the life saving knowledge that HG has provided as it can be overwhelming.
There will be good days and bad but I promise you will overcome the hurt if you stay here and read and vent. I found HG in November and was a complete mess. I doubted that I would be where I am now but HG has saved me and I continue to learn and move towards escape. Do what you need in order to get through tough days like today. 🥰
Thank you Kristin. I’m really glad you found your way out. I’m sure HG’s work was instrumental in making that happen.
No, it was not all my creation. He brought other people’s utopias into our relationship.
Somebody must have once told him that she loved it that a man cooks for her. I thought it was nice when he did it but did not think it was the big deal that I was supposed to think it was.
It always felt like a performance to me, like he was not doing something special for me per se but for me to tell my friends and family what a great guy he was. Unfortunately for him (and for our relationship), I was not a broadcaster of his play-acting.
Plus, any male or female in my family could cook the pants off him.
*I happily write this in bed, with my tea cup on my nightstand, in my Narc-free utopia.
Ah, Truthseeker 🙁 I feel your pain. I am sorry you are feeling the hurt again today. It will get better, and I hope soon. This is a hard place to be sometimes when being confronted with the realities of narcissism.
I will hope that you will find a trustworthy and true hand to hold in the not too distant future.
In the meantime, sending healing thoughts your way today <3
LET xox
Hey LET,
Thank you for your kind words. You too x
“A place where one hand fits perfectly into another and will never let it go, a hand hold that says that it is okay to be frightened but you need not be because I will always be here.”
Now the tears come again. Sometimes I think this might not be the best place for me.
Take my hand TS. I won’t ever let go xxx
Alexis, such a lovely thing to say, thank you. Xx
I don’t think it’s a good idea to be on here all the time. I looked at something and got subscribed again. That’s okay. There is a lot of good information but to me it also violates no contact because you are continually talking about and thinking about the narcissist on here. Anyway for you maybe it would be good to take a break if you’re feeling like that.
It is one of the very few legitimate breaches of no contact because you are gaining logic. There will of course be an increase in your ET, but that is a collateral consequence of accessing the correct information. Your ET will try to suggest to you that you should not access the information, that staying is contrary to your interests etc and if you fall prey to it at an early juncture you will make mistakes (thinking they are correct steps) by way of Flawed Logic. Do not discuss the narcissist anywhere else, marshal your thinking as per The Final Battle and use this place to get answers, not to wallow (very few readers actually do that because the effectiveness of the information prevents that). Use this place constructively and the ET will come down and usually a consultation will kick start the process of reduced ET also.
I’ve thought about this for a while but not in the context of the information being wrong or not helping me. I know that it has helped me. But for me, I get to a point where I’m focusing too much on it and I need to get on with doing other things. I’ve been out for more than a year now though, it’s not early on for me. And I know others are in a different place. I think it depends on the person and the stage they are in. I don’t have the thought that your information isn’t valid and therefore I shouldn’t listen to it. I just think that excessive focusing on the narcissist in any way at some point gets to be too much and you need to move on. I am glad that you’ve explained it from your perspective though. It’s probably the same as good parenting or good therapy, at some point you want the individual to not need you so much anymore and move on. With periods of time where they check in to balance their life out a bit when things get rough.
Gina, I agree with both you and HG.
Sometimes I have had to leave here for a period of time because I have focused way too much. I have definitely come back when things have gotten rough, though, especially more in terms of work or world Narcs.
On and off. Off and on.
I am very grateful that we can use KTN as appliance in this way.
If you take a break during an extended period of no contact, that can be advisable. It is doing do when you are not in no contact or not in no contact (but mistakenly think you are) or too soon into no contact that is problematic.
That makes complete sense.
No way I would have resisted the hoovers had I left within the first six months.
In fact the most difficult hoover came almost one year after the breakup. It was malign and had to do with previous entangled finances and I was geared up to fight back.
Only with an HG consultation was I able to cut that one off at the pass.
I would say 6 months to a year here minimum, depending on ET levels and regime vulnerabilities.
*regimen (Sorry!)
The pandemic really shook me up….
I came close to breaking no contact. Very close. I had written out a draft of what I was going to send to the narc and I had unblocked him on almost all platforms.
My ET has taken the lead… I thought… it’s a global pandemic, what if something happens to either one of us and I’ve never said what I want to say ( even though I logically know I’ve said it all )…. I thought, maybe if I escape into his arms again my anxiety about what’s happening in the world will disappear
Etc etc. All excuses. And this place was here when I needed it and I’m very thankful for that.
We all need to make individual choices. It’s good to take a day off. One thing I find occasionally is that I’m still reading about HIM (the narc) and his behaviours and why he acts the way he does. So
Lately I’m more interested in reading HGs articles about me, the empath, and why I behave as I do and the points he gives us to maintain no contact and do what’s best for US. Instead of the narc and why he did what he did. I’m 2 years out so I know that already….
More interested in my own life now. And getting through this tough patch knowing remaining no contact is the best thing for me.
Well said, Hg.
Thank you, Renarde.
Pleasure.
For whatever reason, this is true. I had wallowed in could-have-beens about Wanna-Be Playuh-Narc for years after I last saw him, and a few months after finding Narcsite, they have subsided. Occasionally, I’ll think of him to see if it still hurts, like your tongue playing with a sore tooth. Barely a twinge.
Btw, HG, before I found your profile on Quora, I found Quorans discussing you. There were the inevitable comparisons to Vaknin, one person who said you were a con artist who was probably laughing at your readers for being taken in, and one who suggested (quite reasonably, I thought), that even if you were, if your material worked, who cares? Some pointed out that seeing the exact words a Narc abuser had used was a wake-up call to people who couldn’t accept that so-and-so was a narc, and that your ability to predict what a Narc would do next based on which kind of narc was uncanny.
My favorite, however, was the one who claimed you are actually a crazy cat lady, using your profits to support health department-violating levels of cats, after using the initial profits from the written work to splurge on a voice-altering system to produce that beloved baritone.
The majority realise my work is accurate, insightful and most of all effective. A small number are envious and it shows.
Now, if you will excuse me I have go and play with the pussies.
I know you hate LOL, so I will just put “tea meet keyboard” with regard to that last sentence.
Gina, I have to agree. I have armed myself with a lot of material in terms of KTN. It is all very logical. It’s helpful and has even made me laugh in places.
We are all different in the way we react to things. HG comes at it from all different angles, This material is groundbreaking in the way it approaches narcissism and the way we react to it. It is relatable and over time I think it will really help a lot of people.
I love the blog, it’s a really fun group and the support is so genuine, it’s lovely to see. The only downside I can see is that articles can catch you off guard. It’s too late one you have read it. It’s in your head. Can ring too much of a bell. The obvious answer is to stop reading that article if that’s the case. I tend not to. I start something, I finish it, by hook or by crook.
If something makes you feel worse, then you have to ask yourself if it’s the best thing for you. This particular article, or rather part of it, has knocked me backwards.
TS
HG has said that often the best medicine tastes the worse and I agree. You have to face it to slay it or you are destined to repeat the pattern.
Correct.
I feel like what I’ve said here is being misinterpreted. Of course you need to fix what’s going on and deal with your addiction to the narcissist. At some point you need to get on with your life though. I also believe that people that are prone to addiction can transfer their addiction to another thing such as focusing on therapy or obsessing about narcissism. Your life’s not going to go anywhere if you are only focused here and not on what else you want to do moving forward. So I believe what HG has said here is valid and I also believe what I am saying is valid. And they are both extremely logical.
Hi Gina
I understood what you said completely, but in the case of TSeeker she has just begun the journey and has not been on it as long as yourself. I’m sure there are some who trade one addiction for another but that is not the case for all. For instance I am here because I have an interest, want to help others where I can, and to see others progress and succeed. It does not keep me from doing other things in my life at all. No one would think to question a volunteer at a domestic violence shelter after they’ve moved on from abuse. If people have moved past the emotional and are firm in logic they can move on and check back in here when they feel the need, but some people are duped by their addiction into thinking they can move on before they’re ready and that is almost always a danger after someone has been here only a short time. Many return to say they thought they were okay, only to find themselves relapsing. The length of time differs for each and with respect to the goal. There is logic and validity in all the points given here.
Well stated.
HG often speaks to us directly as the narcissist. I respond to some of his posts in the same manner (see my comment below).
I find it therapuetic.
I am answering my narcissist. Taking it back to him.
Thank you, HG.
TS6157– Me too, but let’s do this together. Much love. XO
BC30. I think you are doing great. I haven’t been here long but I can already see such positive changes in your comments here. Step by step. Xx
TS6157
Snap out of it!
It IS the best place for you and you know it. Where else when you get morose can you go to get logic, comfort, humour, AND an ass kick to set you straight again?
Here. This is the place.
See you tomorrow
NA
NA,
You’re right, it is a great group of people.
I could have sworn I just heard Barry White in the background when you said that….
truthseeker
We can have a good cry together over coffee or tea, or good wine (I prefer red myself), and then we’ll end up laughing at the idiot who caused the tears. And I am talking about the man you knew. And mine!
We’ll have to invite Alexis along, because having her around (yes, I’m talking to you Alexis) is a God send – just look at her outfit !
I can’t mention all the people here I would gladly invite along too; there are many.
Re here being the best place. We may not all have the same experience, but I have found that so long as something makes me cry, or angry, it is because it needs to be addressed; brushing it under the carpet has only let matters fester, and they boomeranged in the end; they found a way of making their way back into my life but with a tenfold impact, it seems.
But you know best at what pace you should take it, please don’t take what I write as some judgement or patronising stance on my part!
Also, I have felt so lonely out there, surrounded by people who do not have any or much knowledge and understanding of what I had been through. Here, you know that you will always be welcome and understood, and comforted.
“If so, well, you started it.”
That’s like saying I broke my own heart.
You broke my heart.
Own it.