Ten Tells of Triangulation




Triangulation is a staple manipulative device in our arsenal. Triangulation is a convenient way to describe an affair, having a bit on the side, flirting, playing away, investing in a new prospect, having a form of distraction, a plaything and so on. The reality is that triangulation offends the principles of why two people are in a relationship and is a method of manipulation which is used to gain fuel, cause confusion and exert control.

The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object.

There may be triangles operating within triangles. Triangulation provides fuel but also allows us to generate confusion and engage in distraction tactics whereby you and the other person attack one another, failing to realise (or perhaps not wanting to be seen to realise for fear of being regarded as losing out) that is us that has caused the triangulation.

Usually you will not be aware that you are being triangulated with the other person. It is easier to keep you and the other person separated and we enjoy our time with them and then our time with you. We draw fuel from you both and neither of you know about the other.

We see no problem in behaving like this. We are never accountable; we are entitled to do as we like. We do not distinguish between you because you are just appliances to us and therefore entirely interchangeable. Before we decide to up the ante and reveal your opponent to you, thus heightening your reactions and responses, you may actually be able to ascertain that you are being triangulated as there are certain tells which exist.

These are more obvious amongst the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind as they may lack the higher function to remember things that they have done or said and occasionally slip up, thereby revealing the tell.

If you confront us with this tell we will spin some yarn, persuade you that there is nothing in it, this person is a friend, there is a glitch with the ‘phone, somebody else did it, you are imagining things, you are over-reacting and in our time-honoured fashion we will deny and deflect and even go on the attack if need be in order to protect our investment in both you and the other person. If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them.

You are only giving us a chance to draw fuel from you, confuse you and worm our way out of it. If you see these tells you now know what they mean. You are being triangulated.  Here are ten of those tells.

  1. Our mobile ‘phone will have duplicate messages. We send the same message to you and the other person, often within seconds of the first message.
  2. We will buy you a duplicate gift having already given it to you a week or so ago.
  3. We will tell you something that we have already told you before, more or less word for word.
  4. We will make reference to something you said even though you have not said it (it was the other person who said it).
  5. We will make reference to something we apparently did together which you will not remember. (This is because we did it with the other person).
  6. We will call you by someone else’s name.
  7. You may hear us say things under our breath such as “She wouldn’t do this” or “she would agree to do it”.
  8. We will fail to acknowledge you doing something for us thinking it was done by the other person, for instance a surprise gift.
  9. We will remark we don’t want to do something again even though we have never done it with you. (We did it with the other person).
  10. We will ask a question which is out of context. For instance, asking how your dad is recovering when there is nothing wrong with him. (It is of course the other person’s dad who is ill).

8 thoughts on “Ten Tells of Triangulation

  1. Mare says:

    He’ gone and has been since early December. Last triangulation, last blow-up rage. Last fuel stop with me. To make things even more fun he was taking Testosterone “for body building”. It just emboldened him in his behavior. That was good for me as it magnified his behaviors, allowing it to be clear I was done.

  2. lisk says:

    “If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them.”

    Emotional me did challenge each tell along the way.

    It would have been delicious to restrain myself and tally the tells instead for a big “Bye, Bye” reveal. Though that would have been emotional, too, and I am sure I would have given in to an IGH.

    Anyway, now that I have learned restraint, I do not need it anymore!

  3. Leela says:

    Narcissistic parents triangulate too. They use to say “Look at X! Why can´t you be more like X?” Then they devalue you and idealized the other child in order to manipulate you be as they want you to be and do whatever they want you to do. All about manipulation and control.

    1. Violetta says:

      My mom did a lot of that. Or she would discourage friendships with good, loyal friends she considered wrong-side-of-the-tracks, while pushing me to associate with people who came from “nice” families, even if they were abusive Narcissists who made me utterly miserable.

    2. KD says:

      Mine used his adult daughter from a previous relationship. ‘She doesn’t think you’re a nice person’, ‘she told me that nothing I do will be good enough for you – you’re impossible to please’ etc etc. I actually like his daughter, I consider her a victim as much as me. She suffers anxiety too – takes xanax. The adult son is just like his father. Interesting that he never tried to triangulate me with him. I remember the narc saying ‘why am I always caught in the middle?’. Because he manipulated it that way lol. Oh I was an idiot! I wonder if she actually knows, deep down.I t was him.

  4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    The weasel did this to me and I could never understand why at the time
    He’d deliberately say “this nurse I know wants to come over and have a drink with me after her shift at 10.30pm” or “this female from interstate is coming over and wants to catch up with me”
    Or “this female friend wants to have a coffee with me”

    I used to say ” awe, that’d be lovely for you”
    Then he’d say “I don’t want to”
    I’d say “why not ”
    He’d say ” I just don’t want to”
    I’d say “it would be nice and do you good”
    He’d say “I’m not going to”
    I’d say “ok then”
    Then he’d get stroppy and give me the silent treatment
    I really didn’t care one way or the other
    It was so bloody exhausting, now I know why haha
    My mum did that with my stepdad’s daughter “oh we used to go visit blah n blah and their two boys, had a wonderful time ”
    My mum hates boys and was never interested in her own grandchildren ( we have two boys as well), nothing like rubbing it in your face
    Excellent information Mr Tudor
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  5. lickemtomorrow says:

    Pet peeve for me.

    The problem I always had was the way the issue could be presented as insecurity on my part. No one wants to made to look insecure.

    The narcissist had it all over me in that regard.

    It was nothing, meant nothing, a glitch in the bigger picture due to circumstances. On and on and on.

    The excuses were never ending, as was the triangulation.

    My pride kept me from confronting him.

    That changed the final time when I decided enough was enough. I told him quite openly he’d generated a sense of insecurity in me, finally owned it, and tackled it head on. That is because I understood it as a triangulation for the purposes of manipulation. It was also the moment I decided I was never going to let him do that to me again. Cue end of the relationship.

    It was never about my insecurity. It was about his, and his need for control.

  6. MGM says:

    Narcissists psychopaths and sociopaths do this in business as a standard also. Always trying to angle off and triangulate especially with anyone they think can provide status, money or fuel/supply. It’s most fun when they don’t realize they’re targeting the wrong important people. Or, when someone who knows the game cuts into the dance.

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