The Porn Supremacy
There is a significant correlation between our kind and the use of pornographic material. Once upon a time, one might imagine that the size of a person’s porn stash might have been a rough and ready indicator of their reliance on porn and their potential for being one of our kind. Nowadays the availability of porn through the internet means that millions of images and videos are available at the click of the mouse. No longer is it necessary for people to buy top-shelf magazines, visit an “adult sex shop” to purchase videos or DVDs, or import some hardcore material from another jurisdiction.
It is far easier to go online and obtain a porn fix there instead. If you have been entangled with our kind, it is highly likely that porn featured on the agenda. Initially, it will have been used as an aperitif to sexual activity, watching a film together or surfing for some interesting snippets in order to get us both in the mood or enhance the mood further.
It would provide a basis for discussion between us as to ascertaining sexual mores and appetites. During seduction we would garner from you what worked for you, what turned you off and what intrigued you. Some of that knowledge would be put to use as part of the seduction and some of it would be stored away for later use. Porn would be used in an effective and healthy manner.
Our true use of porn would be suspended by the needs arising from effecting the seduction, embedding you and extracting your positive fuel.
Porn appeals to each cadre of narcissist as a consequence of its availability and ubiquity. I will detail below a host of reasons why narcissists of all cadres and schools utilise porn, especially during the devaluation period, but to begin with, a brief mention as to why porn is specifically appealing to these groups.
The Victim Narcissist – with low energy levels and often a low libido, porn provides an easy and available option. Some Victim Narcissists also suffer sexual dysfunction and therefore watching porn is an easy substitute for something they are less able to do.
The Somatic Narcissist – porn is his playground. His obsessions with body and performance come together in a glittering array of writhing and gyrating bodies. Porn is the cradle of the somatic.
The Cerebral – whilst he may have less interest in the sex act, he still wants to know plenty about it and watching extensive amounts of porn, understanding techniques, observing scenarios and so forth enables the Cerebral Narcissist to stockpile his sexual arsenal for later use through spoken and written communication.
The Elite – quite obviously a combination of the reasons that attract the Somatic and the Cerebral means that the Elite finds much to relish in the world of pornography.
The Lesser – the power and control which come with porn appeal to the lesser. His lack of imagination is also catered for by watching such a massive array of porn.
The Mid-Range – acquisition of knowledge about porn enables him to portray himself as more capable than he is and enables him to talk a good game.
The Greater – the access to depravity and humiliation appeals especially to the Greater. Whilst such actions will also be evidenced in the Lesser and Mid-Range, it is the Greater who makes more extensive use of porn in this fashion.
Accordingly, porn provides some kind of use to each school and each cadre of our kind. If your narcissist did not appear to access porn, then it is probably the case that you just never caught them doing so. Secrecy is a significant part of the narcissistic lifestyle and secret tablets, activity in the bolthole and password locked devices will invariably be masking a use of porn.
Why do our kind make such extensive use of porn? The use of porn naturally is nor per se a bad thing and many victims enjoy viewing porn as a stimulating and vibrant addition to sexual activity. Those reasons are for stimulation, increasing knowledge and technique in order to please themselves and their partner and in essence for reasons which would be regarded by many people as “good”. Our reasons are far more varied.
- Objectification. I have explained previously how we regard people as objects because they are our appliances. This is even more so when we watch porn. Our grandiosity and sense of omnipotence means that these objects are performing for our benefit. We sit before glowing screen akin to a director as these objects interact at our say so. If we want to watch two women and a man together – click, we find the video. If we want anal – click, we find the video. She males, enemas, bondage – whatever we decide the objects should do, we just click and the relevant objects appear to do what we want. We consider ourselves as commanding them to do our bidding.
- Lack of intimacy. Our inability to feel many emotions means that intimacy is abhorrent to us. Yes, it will be faked during seduction because of the greater aim that exists but once there is no need for this, it is readily jettisoned. You may (not always admittedly) seek intimacy in your sexual union with us. We will not want that during devaluation and therefore this will result in an ignited fury response. In order to avoid such a scenario arising we take refuge in the world of porn where there is no intimacy. It is cold, clinical and two or more objects performing as we decree.
- Control of the environment. We do not want the environment to control us. We must control the environment. This is why control ranks so highly in our day to day dealings. In the arena of pornography, we are in complete control of the environment. We transport ourselves into the scenario as god-like we control it, directing people to place this here and that there, do this, do that, take this, take that. Porn is the ultimate place for us to be able to control the environment.
- Reflection. We do not exist save by reflection. This is why we have such an incredible need for external approval and why we seek fuel from everything that we interact with. Your emotional responses (good or bad) provide us with validation that we exist, that we matter and that we are important. We also take your characteristics to use as our own in order to further our construct of what we want to be. Porn facilitates this also. The supreme Olympic performances of those in the videos that we watch, we consider to be us. Therefore, we take those characteristics for ourselves. We also regard the reaction of those in the videos, their orgasmic screams of delight, their groans of pleasure, even the harsh words issued by a dominatrix to be directed as emotional reactions to us and thus fuel is gained and we receive validation by these people recognising us. We become a participant in the porn. If the video is a POV (point of view) production the effect is heightened.
- Withdrawal. By choosing to spend our time watching porn rather than being in bed with you we gain fuel from your response. Sometimes it will be Thought Fuel as we think of you lying there in a lonely bed upset and wondering why we spend so long locked in our bolthole and other times it will be Proximate Fuel as you berate us for watching porn or become upset when we reject your advances and head for the study instead. Our extensive use of porn is utilised to belittle you, thus drawing fuel and reinforce our superiority over you.
- Lack of challenge. We hate being challenged, after all, we are superior beings and you are inferior therefore any challenge you may issue to us in the sexual arena is unwelcome during devaluation. You are not allowed to make demands on us, have sexual needs which require fulfilment and the like. Those on the screen do not challenge us. Instead they comply with us and facilitate what we want and thus they are preferred.
- On tap. We require repeated validation and recognition of our importance and what better way than to receive it from a medium which is always there, always delivers and does so in spades? It does not feel tired; it does not have a period nor does it have a headache. It does not baulk at a certain demand or resist a depraved act. It performs when want it to and it provides us with what we need. This is how our appliances should operate and how we expect them to operate.
- Shame. We feel safer operating in an environment that does not require an emotional obligation on our part. Not always, but you will often expect an intimate connection with us during sexual activity and we do not want to provide this as we cannot. Whilst we take fuel from your emotional reactions, you often want this reciprocated in the sexual arena more than any other and we are reminded of our inability to provide certain emotions to you and this creates shame. This is a criticism which will then ignite our fury and cause us to withdraw or lash out at you. We do not wish to experience this shame and therefore by engaging in viewing porn we are not subjected to this emotional demand from you. (This is also a factor in our kind’s use of one night stands and prostitutes).
- Uniqueness. By delving into deviancy and taboo activities online this reinforces our sense of being unique, special and above everyone else. Vanilla sex is available for everyone but we are not everyone. Watching the more deviant and kink sexual activities is not done in order to gain a sexual kick from doing so (although one will be present) the main aim is to reinforce our sense of being unique because we watch (and by extension engage in) such activity.
- Triangulation. We will use the watching of porn to triangulate with you. Either through withdrawing from sexual activity with you or using what we have viewed as the basis for insisting on you engaging in similar activities and telling you why we want you to do this. This allows fuel to be obtained and enables our superiority to be reinforced.
- Social media. Our porn habits during devaluation are usually solitary activities in our boltholes where we are also able to reach out and gain fuel from a wide range of appliances through social media at the same time. This creates a heady brew of fuel from our porn viewing and our interaction with appliances through social media. This is highly edifying for us and by combining the two we feel especially powerful. We receive fuel but we are also god-like as we command the people on screen to do our bidding as we pull the strings of those we message and text.
Accordingly, porn is something which appeals considerably to our kind.
65 thoughts on “The Porn Supremacy”
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As far as I undrstood from the book (“Sex and the Narcissist”), some videos I watched and some stories I read and heard almost every narc has some “special kinks”? Is this right?
I just know “my” narc is so proud of being special and made some remarks about some kinks and “special interests” he has in sex, I don´t know, cause I was only NISS. But by reading this article I just pictured him watching some “special stuff” and wanking … OH NO!!! Eeew! 😀 😀 😀
Empath 007, I could have cried when you said ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ Thank you. That’s exactly how it feels. I’ve never felt an ache like it. I physically ache. Worse at night, that was ‘our time.’
Looking at it positively, I didn’t sell out in terms of pics or anything else. Looking back in clearer focus, there were a few instances where that avenue was alluded to, just not outright requested. So I must stick to my guns at least in that respect. We all have different boundaries, doesn’t matter what they are as long as you are comfortable within them. That’s what I would say to anyone in that situation.
I’m sorry to hear you still feel pain after 2 yrs. Warmth absolutely shines from you, it really does. You’ll find someone so lovely, I know you will, and you’ll appreciate him all the more, because you’ll know, it’s even, it’s normal and it feels great. Maybe just run him by HG though, just to be on the safe side, ha ha x
You’re welcome ❤️ It is a loss. It’s normal to go through a grief period. The congnitive dissonance can be awful to sort through. It sounds like you really enjoyed his company and he was your friend as well as a lover… that kind of connection is special… so to find out it didn’t mean the same to him, and having to GOSO, I bet it feels like he died.
I agree. There’s no right or wrong just our own comfort levels. My narc had a way of really pushing my boundaries… but for some reason that was the one I wouldn’t budge on… I’ve never regretted it. I think his fetish was humiliation, that’s how he devalued during sex, and if was just too obvious for me !
And thanks 🙂 as lonely as I can feel at times I’m also enjoying my time of independence (I know a lot of people say that but don’t really mean it haha ) but I’m truly feeling lots of personal growth right now and I’m not ready to share myself with someone else just yet. But a narc dector will Be a must 😂
Would you say most if not all rapists are narcissists just out of curiosity?…….I noticed that whenever it was on offer to him, he showed little to no interest…….If on the rare occasion he could see that there would be reason to knock him back he would demand and get great pleasure from his enforcement……Never did enjoy it with him…..was a shit shag anyway lol…..
Most are yes, although there will be some Misguided Normals whose emotional empathy has been eroded by an external stressor resulting in the commission of rape.
Empath007
You need wonder no longer about any of it if you will just read HG’s book Sex. It’s all in there. Waiting for you.
Correct.
Definitely. As I said. I’d been putting that off.. I fully admit it’s because I’ve been in complete denial about our sex life. And desperate to believe it was special or different. Time to lay all that nonesense to rest. And face this last part in my journey in getting over him.
Empath007
I understand. There may be parts that are uncomfortable but they are integral to your understanding in a good many things – not just sex. Try not to view them in a negative light but rather as prevention against it happening again, and relieving you from anything negative you felt about yourself or on your part in the equation. You were/are fantastic and nothing about that will change.
Thanks NA. You’re right. I can’t live in denial forever and it will be helpful.
Well said, 007.
Avoidance is one of the keys to misery.
I felt this very strongly but it wasnt about Hgs writings on sex but it was about my children.
You will get there.
Thanks Renarde, I can only imagine the pain that must be caused from having children involved with the narc. That is very understandable there would be denial.
E007
On an almost unbelievable level.
Denial is not a river in Egypt.
Old joke but I thought it suited!
E007:
When I read it, the sense of relief vastly outweighed any shock. No, it wasn’t all in my head and it wasn’t just me. And he wasn’t treating others “better.” He might treat them differently, depending on where they stood in his fuel matrix, but he wasn’t capable of treating anyone well, except during the extremely brief seduction phase.
Thanks V. I have only had 2
Partners sexually and with him I learnt a lot about myself. I’ve clung on to that for a long time as pushed away the truth for a long time so that I could pretend there was something more there then there was. I’m ready to move forward though. And now I look forward to reading it instead of dreading it. Thanks for all the encouragement 🤗
Oh man…. this brings up SO MANY QUESTIONS!! I think I might be ready to read your book Sex… That’s the one book I haven’t felt ready for since I was desperate to hang on to the notion that our sex life was unique and special.
Any insights on to why when I’d say “tell me how you want me”… his answer was always so lame “I want you any way”… like no, I’m telling you to boss me around lol. Is that shame ? Cause he couldn’t connect ? Or he knew it would turn me on so he’d deprive me of it ? So many questions !!!
It just blows my mind a narc can feel shame. Blows my mind!!! Are they embarrassed by this perceived “weakness”?
No. You’re instruction challenged his control. His response asserted it.
But the whole point of me saying that was for him to take control 😂 well… that back fired. 😂 man. Your kind is so confusing … so if I wanted him to take control in bed it would have been best to use reverse psychology?? Act like I don’t want it ? Haha.
No, you apply GOSO.
It was a past tense question. I sure hope my next sexual partner is not so confusing 😂😭 I just assumed a narc would prefer control in bed… I was only trying to please him and give him what he wanted ! Dam…
Narcs don’t want you to give them control. They want to take it or manipulate it out of you.
That’s true V.. so odd though when you hand it them on a platter and yet it gives them the opposite affect. 😕
Oddly the one time I decided to take control it seemed as though he enjoyed that… I’d give him direction on how I wanted things and that seemed fine 🙁
I suppose none of this is my problem anymore lol.
007
Of course the answers were lame. I saw this many, many times as a Domanatrix myself. I prefer Dominant.
On telephone, how do you want to.please me? Oh any way Mistress, any how! Ill thought out, the spewing of nonsense. Lazy. Rejected.
For some reason and let’s face it narcs, they perceived me to he a “fetish dispenser’. They must have been out of their tree. Oh well, the other females Doms and I were laughing at them. So obvious.
What you wanted was true control. You will never get that from a sub. What you wanted was a man to take charge however, he was completely unable to do do as the dynamic involved his own needs being met at the expense of yours. That’s why it was unfulfilling.
Apart from the above reasons I’ve delineated, there is another one. It is NOT unheard of for a sub to seriously turn on a Dom IF they dont feel the power exchange dynamic has ‘fully bedded and they are being played. Then the results can be frightening.
You must keep it in the forefront of your mind that is the vast majority of males wet dreams to order a woman about in bed.
Some are sensible and just leave it as a fantasy. Both make subs and of course Doms, will attempt to control from both ends of the spectrum. Just using different methodologies.
The point I’m making is that largely you are a Dominant or you are not. You can however be both but it takes strength of character to hold that in your mind. Intrinsically there is nothing wrong with either. As long as it’s not abusive.
You can ask someone to Top you. But if you have to ask that a sure sign you are with someone with sub tendencies who is desperately trying to hide it.
Thanks Renarde ! I enjoyed that explanation. I’ve definitely only experienced sub men so far in my life… maybe that’s a good thing… maybe if I was actually dominated it would freak me out 😂 haha.
Empath007
Glad you did. And yes Doms can and will utterly freak you out!
Well, only the good ones, not the ‘twue Doms!’
Honestly in my time, I’ve seen some pathetic examples.
One, whenever we see each other at clubs go, ‘Hello, young lady’. Oh fuck off you twat! We were the same age. First some reason, he REALLY thought he had a chance. One day, he got angry at me. Popped one off in a public forum. Oh dear. He was RAPIDLY deinsentivised.
What was extremely amusing was that another male Dom messaged me saying, ‘about time someone did that!’
How he managed to get a ‘stable’ remains one of the Universe’s greatest mysteries.
Anyone who has ‘Dom’ on his car numberplate needs to have his head flushed down the toilet.
There were plans, I believe, from the other Doms…
#4 WTF LMAO LOL LLS 🤣🤣🤣
I’ll comment more when I can stop laughing.
Ahh…the internet porn sites! My narc always searches for “big dicks” even though he was a male. At first, I thought he was only looking at how small the women were with the big d’s. These are the videos we watched together. Then one day, I actually looked through the site and found that he liked watching other men masterbating! Oh! How he loved masterbating! Almost every sexual encounter we had ended with him masterbating with himself and wanting me to watch his performance! That lesser somatic narc! Thanks HG; it is all coming together now!
You are welcome.
Leea
Latent, bisexual tendencies. Unresolved. I wonder if he was actually a hedonist? Those people are different.
Have you read SATN yet? You must. It will explain such a lot.
@renarde
I started reading sex and the narcissist which includes how empaths view sex.
I used to believe sex=love, especially because sex was a semi-shameful topic in my household as there was a religious influence, and I was taught not to have sex until you’re married. I was able to get to point that I could have sex with someone, enjoy the thrill and then move on without wanting or expecting more from that person.
I don’t believe empaths should view sex as an expression of love as in being “in love” and expecting commitment through having sex with someone or feel that they have given up/lost something precious by having sex with someone who doesn’t want to move in and marry them. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can love you and that’s okay.
I wish I was actually taught the realities of sexuality, even among empaths/normals (because not all of us view sex as love or a commitment) I would have been far less naive and vulnerable.
Valid observations.
We call that a “down low” in my community
(Meaning a closeted gay or bisexual man)
Yes, I believe that he is closeted. One day I returned home to find MY toy broken.
Here’s something weird. Narc and I texted most nights, on and off for hours. Could start when he was still at work right through to the early hours. Both of us are nocturnal, so it fit. Sometimes I’d message and say something simple like ‘ Hey, what you up to?’ and sometimes he’d answer ‘ Watching porn’ so I’d say ‘ No you’re not. You wouldn’t answer my message if you were busy watching porn.’ and on the conversation would go as normal. A more recent conversation went as follows:
Me ‘how was your day?‘
Him ‘ Long, going to bed soon, how about yours?‘
Me ‘ Similar. I’ll leave you to it. Get some sleep.’
Him. ‘ Ok. Quick w*nk if anything, then bed.’
Me ‘ Not sure how to answer that! Enjoy?’
Him ‘You failed’
Me ‘ Failed? How so?‘ (can’t resist, I’m competitive, he knows this)
Him ‘Doesn’t matter’
Me ‘ Why? What did you expect I would say?’
Him ‘ No expectation because I knew you would fail.’
Me OK. Night.
Really?! Really? How did I fail?
Bugged me for days after. Still does.
Haha ! Human rubics cubes 😂
Empath 007,
Ha ha I know! I bite though, every, single, time.
TruthSeeker, this nonsense is very familiar to me too. I think this is what’s meant by word salad. It seems to be extra-effective when it comes as a written message because the narc knows the recipient will re-read that message over and over again trying to make sense of it!
Hello Karmicoverload,
I think you are right. I can’t help thinking though that there had to be a reason for it. Underneath it all that there was always a trigger, something I should have said or done. There has to be a slither of logic to it. I replay terribly. He told me I overthink everything. He was right, I did, because I had to !
Ha ! I love how he pegs the problem as your “over thinking”
It’s like ya… when Your being mind fucked every two minutes it makes you question a few things 😂 and even just to say “you failed” oh I’m sorry… I didn’t realize everything was a test 😂 which academic institution gives us an official transcript for passing that test ?? Haha. Like come on ! The problem was definitely not your over thinking lol.
Hey Empath 007,
It’s like there were two of him. One was the nicest person I ever met and he would be there for weeks and weeks and weeks. I would be talking to him, everything was easy, he was my person, and then seemingly at the most comfortable and nicest bit, when we were at our best, he’d just switch, almost mid sentence.
Nothing he said made sense. It was like someone had taken his phone and was talking to me instead. It’s the most bizarre thing. Then, he would fall silent or disappear. Then start talking again and my person was back. If I questioned I’d get an answer or two but not a full explanation and I was so glad he was back I thought, ‘ I’ll leave things to settle, until we’re us again, then I’ll ask. But it was then so nice, I didn’t want to spoil it.
I’ve read the articles. I know what this means. I know how he fits. I can put labels on things, highlight his behaviours. But I don’t think I’m getting any better. Or if I am I should be getting better faster.
I miss my person. I really really miss my person 😢
Truthseeker:
You are getting better, just in the time you’ve been posting here.
It takes a while before you can accept the fact that your person was the mask. The crazy was the real thing. You know this intellectually, but that’s not the same thing as feeling it in your gut.
Violetta,
That’s exactly, how I feel. I do know it intellectually. The more I read, the more boxes are ticked. HG told me what he is. He is sure even if I wasn’t to start with. I can’t deny it now. The more I read the more lights come on. But I should have switched off by now. I switch off. I reach a point and then I just switch off. For some reason I’m hanging on now and I’m not sure why.
The only thing I can think is that he didn’t do anything bad enough. Which sounds twisted. I can’t point and say, you did this to me or that. It was more a denial of what I wanted rather than an attack. Plus that damned vulnerability which just makes me want to rescue him all the time. So the off switch isn’t kicking in like it has in the past. I know more about myself than I ever have and I still can’t reach the off switch. I’m tired too. That isn’t helping.
Awe truth seeker… you just eloquently described the cognitive dissonance and why the abuse is so hard. So often we are describing to people our feelings about the strange/ negative things happening and in their mind they can’t understand why we stay. They are not seeing all the amazing times. It broke my heart reading that …. cause we’ve all been there.
Healing is difficult. If it makes you feel any better I’m 2 years out already and I still feel the pain. I know that’s not “normal” either. But what is normal I guess? The longer you remain proper NC the easier it will get.
I’m really sorry for your loss. People often forget we are grieving the loss of an individual (in this case when he was your person) the same way we would Grieve a death. You need time to sort through the pain of that loss.
You are also worth freedom from abuse. And you did the right thing getting yourself out. ❤️
truthseeker, it’s good to see you back.
You say below that you “should be getting better faster”. Maybe replace “should” by “wish I could”, which is perfectly normal.
As Violetta said, you are getting better. It is like an undercurrent stream when everything starts to make sense, as it clearly does for you now: you may not fully realise it, but you are getting better. There is indeed a gap between the intellectual grasp of things, and the moment when it clicks in your heart and guts.
A lot of what you say reminds me of my own Nex. He never uttered the word “fail” but it amounted to that; I was supposed to guess what he meant all the time, he never gave any explanation, took no questions either.
They behave like this because they are manipulators. Not because we fail. How could we fail at a game whose rules we knew nothing about?
Hey Fiddleress x
Thank you, It’s good to be here. Both your and Violetta’s comments are encouraging in that there is a gap between understanding and committing to. I’m not used to that gap. I decide, I mentally ship out normally. I’m irritating myself with not doing so here. Four years of conversations and confiding is taking a while to undo.
How does a person go in to burning buildings and rescue people on the one hand, and then be a complete arse on the other? Get me like no one else but then morph into something else? Why even bother?! There was an inexhaustible supply of options for him online if that’s what he wanted. It makes no sense to waste his time with me in this way. I wasn’t married to him, didn’t live with him, there were so many other options and he sinks 4 years into this? It’s dumbassery at its finest! It is! He could have had Polly the frikkin’ pole dancer in a click if that’s what he wanted. Betty big boobs! Both! In reverse!
But noooo, he thinks “ No, I don’t want Polly or Betty, I think I’ll stick around here and waste my time headfucking you instead thanks.”
Screw him. Seriously. Screw him.
TS
Do you mean normally (in other situations) you reach a point and switch off? If you do, then know that this is different. This is addiction trying to hold on and it will take longer.
Addiction whispers:
He doesn’t abuse like some of the others I read of here.
Maybe if I had handled it another way he wouldn’t have responded as he did.
Now that I know what he is I can help him.
He was just tired.
I am just tired.
The bottom line is that you are here because you knew something was wrong.
You were right about that.
Hello NA
Yes, I mean normally in every other relationship, I reach a point and just say ‘You know what? No. I’m done here.‘
Not so here. I didn’t reach my tipping point for some reason. You’re dead on with the whispers. Absolutely dead on.
karmicoverload
That’s not true, although I unferstand why you said it.
All they know is that certain messages get sent out and over time, with knowing responses that they have got back in previous from others, they are expecting a certain message back.Or variations on a theme.
If they don’t recieve what they wish, then the Hoovers start. But this is a subconscious manifestation of the psyche and not a plotting, Machievellian response.
I know full well, how hard this is to understand. It’s difficult because their brain is wired different. So you get, why does he do that? He said he loved me but why does he treat me this way? Or my personal favourite, I’ve clearly done wrong so how do I make it up to him?
So no. The narc does expect it but they don’t unduly. This is their ego in full flow. I suggest that giving them their space to they can explain their own behaviour gives them far more credit than it is due.
Enough rope = hang themselves
Dear karmicoverload and TruthSeeker 6157,
Precisely, you’re bang on
Almost every text message, they’d answer a question with a question
It’s what they do and you just keep going around and round in circles (I’m sure they sit back with popcorn and enjoy the mind games)
You very rarely get a straight answer and your head is trying to work out what the heck they’re on about
The conversation always seems to go totally off track and you’re usually left feeling frustrated, annoyed and angry
You can never figure out what they’ve said because none of it ever makes sense
Don’t even try
If someone does this to you, get out, because it gets worse
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Truth
Simple. It was a straightforward provocation. I’m wanking what are you going to say?
You give a neutral comment and therefore, you ‘failed’. So, either you give fuel by crying or you give by anger. No more, no less.
You gave the correct, unfuelfilled response.
Renarde, You’ve made me smile here. I remember my heart skip a beat when he said ‘you failed’ because the tone had changed and I knew where it was headed. I felt under stress, but I still haven’t given fuel. I’m quite pleased with that.
Alexis suggested one possibility, you another. I could see him doing either one depending on frame of mind I suppose. Either way it was done as a means to draw fuel. Everyone is in agreement there, even me when I take the emotion out of it.
Thank you for thinking about it. You make sense.
Hmmm It just a guess TS but I reckon he may have wanted some sexy chat while he wanked.
Alexis,
Do you think? I didn’t consider that.
The whole sending boob pics thing etc. We chatted about that ages and ages ago. (he hadn’t asked) Can’t even remember how we got on to it.
My view on this is as follows: I’m good with the sexy chat or the pics, but, it’s something that I would only do if we were already partners. It comes second, not first. I even said if that’s why he was there he should jog on. There were plenty of people that would do that straight off the bat, but that I wasn’t one.
He understood that. He never asked. So I didn’t consider that as being a possible reason. I see your point.
This makes me sound bad. Everyone sends pics now don’t they? It’s just not me. I need to be in the relationship to do that stuff.
I’m thinking about it now.
Thanks Alexis.
But don’t forget, TS, that was not your “failure.” You had a boundary, he knew about it and still tried to push it.
You are right Karmicoverload. When I’m calmer I do see that. I’m all over the place right now. My mood looks like a heartbeat monitor. It’s nice to meet you, I don’t think we have chatted before.
Don’t feel bad about not sending pics. Mine requested them and I also refused. I did not trust his intentions with them were going to be good. I’ve never regretted my decision to not send them. Everyone has their own comfort levels and their own personal “lines in the sand”. Just because I’m from a generation of instagram sensations and guys sending dick pics as some sort of societal norm… doesn’t mean I have to subscribe to it. Good for you for sticking to what you believe… even when someone is trying to convince you otherwise (if that’s what he meant)
Nice to meet you too TS
Uh oh, Middle Ages, here (middle-aged too). Does EVERYONE send pics?? I don’t. Never did, never will, and thankfully never got any either. I prefer the real stuff, the kind that I can see and feel in the flesh, haha.
Good for you TS that you didn’t give fuel then and stuck to what felt best for you.
I agree Fiddleress. I love men, I do. But, let’s be honest here, women’s bodies are way prettier, they just are. I’ve had a couple of long distance relationships. The pic thing could have its place, so I’m not opposed to it necessarily. I can understand why a guy requests a pic. But, please, I really don’t need a dick pic in return. I can just imagine them putting all the filters on, perfect lighting, shadow! Ha ha
On a more sensible note, I permanently deleted my chat account I used with the narc. I had temporarily deleted it. I permanently deleted last night. So far, I have read Evil, am part way though Fury and re listened to the addiction package. Plus, I’ve written an Empath Tale. I need to find something to do in my night time hours when I was usually with the narc. I might also have started shopping for a completely impractical car.
I actually feel a bit better after having done it. The deleting I mean. Whether that holds remains to be seen. If it doesn’t I purchased an email consultation in the hour discount today. I’m all set in case I hit the wall.
Well done on deleting the chat account, you do not need it, that is logic.
truthseeker: well done, you! Well done on deleting your chat account permanently, on reading these books, listening to the Addiction Package (essential), on writing a tale, and on booking a consult!
I was busy over the past few days, and thought you sounded better when I came back to really read comments and post yesterday, so I didn’t follow up on what I was going to reply to a previous post of yours in which you sounded not so good: I would have suggested a consultation with HG (think of audio if need be in the future, always so good), and encouraged you to spend time doing something with your apparently very active mind to keep it busy.
What saved me after I arrived here in February, in a state of utter devastation, was to keep my mind busy with translations in relation with narcissism, like you writing your Empath Tale. Those were the only times when I wasn’t crying, apart from work (and even then, I sometimes had to hide myself to cry, in between lessons). I can now say that NarcEx has totally taken a back seat.
Do keep writing, it’s great to see you are on the right track!
Thank you Fiddleress.
I still do feel good about deleting permanently. I had wanted to have the option to reawaken that account if I felt I needed to. Temporary delete still meant he couldn’t contact me. Technically it’s the same thing apart from, it isn’t. I was still deciding, replaying, wondering. I even woke up the other morning because I was convinced I’d heard the message alert. Mentally, I was still hanging on and conning myself I had let go. Now, it feels different. I expected to feel worse but I don’t, I do feel better. I’m not out of the woods yet. But I think I can just make out the light through the trees. There are so many subtle mental threads to this addiction. Each has to be cut.
I’m really grateful for all of the support you and many others gave me last week. It really helps to know I’m not on my own in this. People understand, that makes a whole world of difference.
HG,
You’re right. I don’t need it. I thought I would feel worse, but actually I feel better.
I’m replaying and re reading a lot of your material and it is helping a great deal, I am starting to feel clearer. I can hear the certainty you have in your material and that is comforting, because some days I’m not all that certain in myself.
I’d like to focus on the addiction side of things. I have been thinking a lot about my own addiction, and trying to get a real fix on exactly what it was about the narcissist that I found so compelling. This might be specific to me but it might be useful for others also. The first part of your addiction package was somewhat of a Eureka moment for me, it warrants greater exploration.
I am very aware that I am verbose. I’m all over the blog and this increases your workload. Sitting there silently at your white desk moderating away. Thank you for doing so.
only just seen this TS. It is bizarre how some guys think girls would get in to sexy chat straight away. Glad you never sent him photos. I think they are somatics from what I’ve picked up.
But you’re right the majority of people send pics nowadays and then act horrified when they hear others have done it. I say starve the narcs and let the normals and empaths have it ahaha.
Don’t forget you’re a top trumper too xxx
It seems that the pic-sending thing is cultural, and not so current everywhere. I was surprised to read here that “everyone sends pics” and thought I must be older than I’d realised, but then I asked 2 young people I know, who are in their twenties, about this, and they said it just isn’t done where I live, whether you are in a relationship with that person or not. Those that do send pics are usually blokes but they are considered as annoying dickheads, and the pic-sending business is part of the concept of harrassment over here.
I’m sure it happens, but it’s not considered as acceptable or a normal element of a relationship, here. So, not a universal thing, and not based on age, haha.
I feel younger, all of a sudden.