Too bad you will NEVER see and realize who I really am. I became a warm-hearted, successful, empathic and lovable person. Yeah, that´s right, Daddy! Fortunately, you didn´t pass on the genes to me! Not those ones! You made my childhood and teenage years to a LIVING HELL!!! A hell, which I could not escape. I always had to be your perfect princess, right? For you I was not a person! For you I was just an extension of you, an appliance, something which just had to function perfectly. All the time! 24/7.
You put me down so many times, I cannot even count it. You called me fat, you called me ugly, you called me stupid. I was never good enough! As long as I was functioning, you were love bombing me, I was painted white, but as soon as I refused to be like you want me to be, to do what you want me to do, I got painted black. I ignited your fury! You devalued me! You called me a freak, a little bastard, a fat cow, a loser, who will never make it. You brutally put me down. I don´t know how many times I cried bitter tears. I cannot count the times I wished I had a normal family, parents who love and accept me the way I am. I HATED you! I HATED you from the bottom of my heart for not accepting me as the person I am. I have so many good traits – which you will NEVER see.
I am successful. I am pretty. And now: You´re bragging about that all the time to extract fuel from neighbours, relatives, friends, whoever. Disgusting! I am successful and proud BECAUSE I dared to fight, to stand up for myself against you. You always knew better! But I DID IT MY WAY, despite your continuous devaluations, even though I was painted black all the time. When I tried to defend myself, of course it was ME who was the problem. You gas lighted, you blame shifted, you devalued, you put me down! You withdrew your “love”. That was the hardest!
You shattered my self-esteem; you shattered my ego. All your put-downs took its toll. I am still not as self-confident as a healthy person, my ego is still hurt, and you know what hurts the most? Seeing loving, caring Daddies with their daughters. I had to accept the fact that I NEVER had a father who loved me, who cared about me – and will never have. Oh dear, how hard I was trying to get your approval.
How many times did you ruin my Birthdays? How many times did you spoil Christmas? I don´t know. Just too many times. It was HORROR. You were unpredictable. Nobody knows when and what ignites your fury. You triangulated me with other children. You said I should be like X or Y. You know how much that hurts? No, of course you don´t. How can you? Later, when I was a teenager, I realized that you have no emotional empathy. I asked for empathy but you didn´t understand.
So, I knew there´s something really off here. It was later in life when I tried to talk with you about all what happened. You didn´t understand. You insisted that you are right, that you did the right things, that you only wanted the best for me and that you know what´s best. It was a waste of time! I can never tell you how painful it was, you will never understand. How can you without any emotional empathy? How I wish you could see me just ONCE as a PERSON. Only for five minutes. But that will never happen!
You have a serious mental condition, Dad! You´re a narcissist! You have NPD! I forgive you, Dad. Yes, I forgive you, because it´s not even your fault.