A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 118

 

 

Dear Dad,

Too bad you will NEVER see and realize who I really am. I became a warm-hearted, successful, empathic and lovable person. Yeah, that´s right, Daddy! Fortunately, you didn´t pass on the genes to me! Not those ones! You made my childhood and teenage years to a LIVING HELL!!! A hell, which I could not escape. I always had to be your perfect princess, right? For you I was not a person! For you I was just an extension of you, an appliance, something which just had to function perfectly. All the time! 24/7.

You put me down so many times, I cannot even count it. You called me fat, you called me ugly, you called me stupid. I was never good enough! As long as I was functioning, you were love bombing me, I was painted white, but as soon as I refused to be like you want me to be, to do what you want me to do, I got painted black. I ignited your fury! You devalued me! You called me a freak, a little bastard, a fat cow, a loser, who will never make it. You brutally put me down. I don´t know how many times I cried bitter tears. I cannot count the times I wished I had a normal family, parents who love and accept me the way I am. I HATED you! I HATED you from the bottom of my heart for not accepting me as the person I am. I have so many good traits – which you will NEVER see.

I am successful. I am pretty. And now: You´re bragging about that all the time to extract fuel from neighbours, relatives, friends, whoever. Disgusting! I am successful and proud BECAUSE I dared to fight, to stand up for myself against you. You always knew better! But I DID IT MY WAY, despite your continuous devaluations, even though I was painted black all the time. When I tried to defend myself, of course it was ME who was the problem. You gas lighted, you blame shifted, you devalued, you put me down! You withdrew your “love”. That was the hardest!

You shattered my self-esteem; you shattered my ego. All your put-downs took its toll. I am still not as self-confident as a healthy person, my ego is still hurt, and you know what hurts the most? Seeing loving, caring Daddies with their daughters. I had to accept the fact that I NEVER had a father who loved me, who cared about me – and will never have. Oh dear, how hard I was trying to get your approval.

How many times did you ruin my Birthdays? How many times did you spoil Christmas? I don´t know. Just too many times. It was HORROR. You were unpredictable. Nobody knows when and what ignites your fury. You triangulated me with other children. You said I should be like X or Y. You know how much that hurts? No, of course you don´t. How can you? Later, when I was a teenager, I realized that you have no emotional empathy. I asked for empathy but you didn´t understand.

So, I knew there´s something really off here. It was later in life when I tried to talk with you about all what happened. You didn´t understand. You insisted that you are right, that you did the right things, that you only wanted the best for me and that you know what´s best. It was a waste of time! I can never tell you how painful it was, you will never understand. How can you without any emotional empathy? How I wish you could see me just ONCE as a PERSON. Only for five minutes. But that will never happen!

You have a serious mental condition, Dad! You´re a narcissist! You have NPD! I forgive you, Dad. Yes, I forgive you, because it´s not even your fault.

Your daughter

Leela

12 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 118

  1. Violetta says:

    Leela:

    Yep.

    I sometimes think having narcs who paint you black to white then back are worse than the ones who disapprove of you all the time. It’s hard to give up hope that if you could just be perfect enough….

    Even when you know objectively their opinion ain’t worth squat.

    1. Leela says:

      Violetta,
      my dad painted black and white and black and white …etc. but mostly I was painted black. I just didn´t become the way he wanted me to, I didn´t dress as he wanted me to, I didn´t act like he wanted. So, I was mostly painted black, especially as teenager and then as young adult.

      When I got older, I got painted white again and at the moment I´m on the “shelf” and painted white.

  2. Duchessbea says:

    Sorry you had to go through that Leela. Sending you big hugs. Stay strong. Much Love. ❤️❤️

    1. Leela says:

      Thank you very much, Duchess! Big hugs back 🙂 <3

  3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dearest Leela,
    Your heartfelt letter well n truly hit home
    Always know you’re a good person and you are very much loved Leela
    Thank you for sharing precious one 😊
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. Leela says:

      Thank you very much, Bubbles.

      Despite of having a narc-dad, I became a Super-Empath 😉 Did the EDC with H.G. and I´m even a Super-Empath (okay with significant narcissistic traits). Cool, isn´t it? 🙂

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear Leela,
        You bet your sweet bippy it is, very cool 😎
        Having some narc traits is healthy n essential 😉
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

  4. blackcoffee30 says:

    Wow. So powerful. It’s exactly what I needed to hear.

    I’m sorry you had to go through that.

    1. Leela says:

      Thanks. coffee <3 It´s okay now, I forgave my dad.

      I thought it was about time to write a letter to a PARENT narc 🙂

  5. Alexissmith2016 says:

    I’m sorry your dad was an N Leela. Super warm hug through the internet from Alexis to Leela xxx

    1. Leela says:

      Thanks, Alexis.

      Well, yes, my dad is indeed a narc. I´m glad he didn´t pass on the genes to me. Warm hugs back 🙂

  6. Leela says:

    Aaaw, thank you very much, H.G.! And with that little crown-pic, aaw, lovely pic! Fits perfectly!

    I would love to say that you´re an angel but ………… ! 😉

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