A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 14

 

 

 

M,

It is etched in my mind and I used to visit it often. April 2, I laid eyes on you for the first time as I watched as you walk from your front door to your car. I swooned and said aloud, “I’m in big trouble”. The truth in that statement haunts me to this day. I never looked away from you from that moment on. You were the man I had chosen. In all your brokenness, your fears and your messy past, I loved you relentlessly. It’s as if I brushed the dirt off of you and underneath was this brilliant man whom I fell in love with almost immediately.

 

Our relationship was not easy.  I believed you were working through your past hurts, but it was only your true self peeking through the mask. You spewed your pain and frustration on me when I came to you in kindness voicing concerns. I now know that your pushing me away and needing space were not birthed from old habits from your marriage. This was your true colors shining through. This was you punishing me for my wrongs in questioning you.

 

You voiced regret from your past transgressions in your marriage and I poured my healing balm on your wounds. I believed you as you said “I don’t want to be that man ever again.” I believed you were like me. I had been unfaithful to my husband. Surely your mistakes, as mine, were birthed from an unhappy marriage and having an unhealthy partner.You feigned deep vulnerability, even to tears, mirroring mine. It was all an act, portrayed with such accuracy, I swear you deserve an Oscar. You stated how broken you were and how you were thankful for me.  You said I was helping you grow into a confident man. A man of integrity and honor. A man walking in honesty and truth. I man hell-bent on transforming out of his past and into newness. I believed in redemption and a second chance. I wanted it. You convinced me you did as well.

Finding out that you were still that man was disillusioning at first. I had been deceived by your smooth apologies and partial truths. But what you were proclaiming as truth didn’t silence my gut screaming inside me that there was more. When I found out about her I squirmed and turned my head. I could not face that What I had felt all along was true. I just wasn’t enough for you.

I’ve come to find out no one is. Emily, whom you had a 2 year affair with while married and proclaimed your forever and undying love for, she wasn’t enough. You strung her along for a few months after your divorce and then discarded her citing the same line you fed me, “I need to be alone and find myself.” But you had found Lauren, whom after six months caught onto you after you starting making comments about her weight and looks. She discarded you, but you just wouldn’t have it. You kept a “friendship” alive with her even into our relationship. You were proclaiming to me you hadn’t seen her in months and that she had dumped you because she didn’t want your kids. I pitied you while you met her for runs and a stroll around the art fair.
Oh and let’s not forget Karin. The affair you stayed connected with on Instagram and after I outed you for this as my strike three because of your other social media boundaries issues, you took down your accounts. You said she was the one that “used” you for sex. Yeah. I’ve spoken to her too! Come to find out our children now attend the same school. What a coincidence. Funny how different her story is than the one you told. You pursued her, you initiated the affair and even after you got exposed with your third affair with other woman, you sought her for advice and pity on how to save your marriage.

All these woman chanted the same things “Liar” , “Narcissist”, “mentally ill”, “his poor children” and “thank God you’re out of the relationship”.

No woman is enough. You fell in love with all of us within weeks. You stated each of us was “the one”. Each of us were cheated on, replaceable and not enough. No woman will ever be enough until you’ve had enough of how you behave.
Thank you for helping me realize that I had been playing with cheap Monopoly money. I won’t settle for counterfeit again.
Jo

2 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 14

  1. karmicoverload says:

    This letter is excellent.

    1. dollysupreme says:

      Agreed.

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