Hiding From Yourself

HIDING-FROM-YOURSELF

 

Another session with Dr E. As I sat down in his consulting room I wondered how much had been spent so far with regards to this supposed treatment. A few thousand pounds no doubt and I imagined that both Dr E and Dr O would be more than content to continue these consultations given their lucrative nature. The cynic in my nature pondered that the financial rewards were such that they would string out this course of treatment for as long as they could. That did not concern me. I was not paying and I usually enjoyed my sparring with the good doctors. It entertained me. However as I ruminated on whether the lure of filthy lucre was what motivated Dr E and Dr O, I realised that they at least gave the impression of wanting to help me.

I know from the many sessions it was as much about me gaining awareness and insight in order to make informed decisions about what I wanted, rather than a prescriptive approach from these head doctors but I realised that they actually did care. They wanted to help me. This of course was the main reason why I was content to keep turning up and being subjected to their questions ; these two examiners of HG exhibited empathic traits and thus they proved attractive to me. My tolerance for their repeated probing of areas of my life that I preferred to keep shuttered and closed arose because they provided me with the attention that is so vital to my existence.

I also knew that there was an admiration there for me as well. It was evident in the way the pair looked at me, especially Dr O. I knew, as academics, they admired the way I was so candid about the way I behaved. I could see how they admired the way I had been created. I knew they did not like it, how does one like something like me given the abuse I dole out as freely as a farmer broadcasting seed, but they had that deep-seated admiration for this efficient machine that had been stripped of all unnecessary emotions and super-charged with certain traits in order to function at maximum effectiveness.

Accordingly, even the doctors were providing me with the thing I needed and our relationship might continue ad infinitum. They continued to be fascinated by me and they desired to help me. I, in turn, was content to engage in this relationship as it provided something that I required. The arrangement was a mutually satisfying one, even when the doctors strayed into territories that were best left alone.

“Hello HG how are you?” asked Dr E. I hesitated. He did not normally enquire as to my state of being. Others would trot out such a question rarely interested in the answer but merely performing a social nicety. Dr E did not ask such a question and for him to  now do so put me on guard.

“I am excellent well, thank you for your kind enquiry,” I replied with a smile. I did not enquire after his well-being, I was not interested nor did I have to feign such interest.

“Good. Now, straight down to business, who are you?”

“H G Tudor.”

“Indeed you are. Anything else?”

I paused. I see Dr E we were going deep today were we? Very well, let’s flush out where you want to go.

“The question of who I am is something that depends on the context,” I began. Dr E commenced his note-taking.

“How does one define oneself is what I suspect you are really driving at.” I looked to Dr E for a sign of affirmation but there was none.

“Do I have an idea of who I am? How is that arrived at? Do I know who I am or do I look to others to define me? Am I an independent identity that has been shaped by my own decisions or am I a product of others and their experiences? Am I aware of who I am or have I yet to discover all that I am?”

“All interesting questions but let me return to my initial question,” interrupted Dr E, “who are you?”

“Who am I? I am many things to many people. Friend, lover, boss or confidant are labels which are applicable to me. Conqueror, seducer, victim and defiler are others which are equally applicable. Charismatic, urbane, intelligent, interesting, stimulating, successful and alluring are also traits that come together to create who I am.”

“I see. Would you say therefore that you are confident that you know who you are?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that if I asked this question of your family and friends, your colleagues or even my secretary that they would give similar answers to those you have provided me with?”

I snorted.

“Liars lurk within the ranks of those you have described and they have nothing but ill-will towards me. Their perfidy is so great I can smell its stench as I sit here. By all means ask but you will be given nothing but a litany of lies. Insults and assaults on my good nature.”

“So all of them would insult you?”

“No, not all, there are those who know me for what I am.”

“Might it be said that they all know you for who you are?” pressed Dr E.

“No. There are those who have an agenda to topple me and it is they that think they know me but they have constructed an idea of what I am and it is a false one that is used to serve their nefarious purposes. Others recognise my greatness and they are content to embrace it.”

“But could it not be the case that these categories of people just happen to know different elements of you. Your admirers know the H G that is generous, interesting and charming. Those who you regard as detractors perhaps know a different part of you, the defiler and conqueror that you made reference to, this causing them to regard you in a less positive light?” asked Dr E.

“No. The defiler and conqueror are artifices created by those who seek to harm me. Let them do so and I will be that which they think I am. It is no more than they deserve. They create such a monstrosity through their perfidy and unwarranted attacks, so let them know the beast, let them feel its hot and fetid breath in their faces, the rake of its claws against their yielding skin and the full horror of its power on their being. They create it, let them endure it,” I spat, the mere consideration of those who would do me wrong causing my fury to ignite.

“Could you not possess all of those attributes? Could it not be the case you have them all and people see some over others?”

“No,” I said firmly. Dr E nodded and fell silent.

“What would you think if I said that I think you are hiding from yourself?”

I switched my gaze from Dr E and focussed on a picture on the wall. Not this, don’t start this again. Don’t let him gain a foothold H G. Repel the boarder, eject the intruder, cast him out.

“I do not hide.”

“But might you not realise that you are doing so?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do not know who you are?”

“No.”

“Could it be that you do know but would prefer not to contemplate it?”

“No.”

“Is this line of discussion making you uncomfortable?”

“No.”

I shifted my gaze back to Dr E. Go on, keep trying to batter through my defences, you will not succeed. I know your game Dr E. I know what you are trying to suggest but I am not going there.

“Very well. Let us go back to how you regard yourself then, elaborate on that,” he invited.

The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. I smiled, elated to have rejected this probing once again and excited by the prospect of talking about my favourite subject in greater detail; me.

46 thoughts on “Hiding From Yourself

  1. BC30 says:

    HG, what was the emotion you felt relieved of?

    “The sense of relief washed over me but I gave no outward sign of its effect. “

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The threat to my control.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Goodnight, HG x

    1. Truthseeker6157 says:

      Asp,

      You’ll like this.

      I went to the gym this morning. Only a small gym, so you see the same faces. I usually run to warm up but not supposed to until next week. So, I go to the elliptical and it won’t switch on, checked the plug, no joy. I move to the next, same deal. The trainers were with clients, didn’t want to disturb, so, got on the running machine instead. Thought I’ll just walk up hill for 10 mins. I get on, there’s a guy to my left, we’ve spoken a few times, not much. He jumps off his running machine, leaves it running. Tells me, “You aren’t supposed to run yet, here,” and messes around with the plug on the elliptical, gets it to come on. I smiled said thank you, he didn’t need to do that etc etc.

      He goes back to his running machine, he is still smiling at me saying “You’re welcome”. Doesn’t look and steps on to the machine from the back, shoots off the end, stumbles, steps forward, BACK ONTO IT!!!, slides back off, before landing on his feet on the floor.

      I managed to get the words out, “Are you ok?” He laughed awkwardly, said he forgot he left it on. I had to look away, I kicked off laughing and bloody well couldn’t stop could I? I’m looking away from him and really really trying to hide it, hoping he isn’t watching my shoulders shaking.

      Laughing at someone else’s misfortune, a lot, bad empath (again).

      1. Asp Emp says:

        I’m laughing too……. what a dickhead….. laughing……. I certainly would not have ‘held’ back from laughing….. you’re not a bad empath….. laughing….

        1. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Ha ha, can always rely on you Asp ! Xx

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Course you can! Ditto. x

      2. A Victor says:

        Is it an empath thing to laugh at situations like this? I ask because I have had the same type of experiences on occasion and literally cannot control myself! It is so embarrassing! But, I think emotion, especially for someone who is not in touch with their emotions much such as I am not, can be overwhelming. It must include the emotion of humor. I know on a few of these rare occasions, I was so acutely aware of the possibility of someone being badly injured that the laughter was almost more like a hysteria. But, I was an EMT and it never happened then, not once, not even close. But, those people were not people I knew and loved.

        Thank you for sharing this Truthseeker, I did enjoy the giggle!

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Absolutely nothing wrong with what science / medical “professionals” class as “laughing inappropriately”. It’s good for us to have a laugh…… (laughing now) – it is also the people who are ‘square’ (normals – boring) that frown upon people for laughing at something that IS actually funny……. (it is listed as a trait on the Aspergers / Autism spectrum too)…… so, in future, laugh – if it is funny. Does it really matter what other (boring ole farts) people think? It’s their problem, not yours…..

          1. A Victor says:

            Aha, I like your way of thinking here Asp Emp! You are correct, too many things that are actually funny are brushed aside due to “etiquette”, we could use a little lightening up as a whole in our world, learn to laugh a bit at ourselves. Not at others of course but rather with each other. It would make the world a happier place!

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Absolutely and thank you 🙂 …… (laughing at you using “etiquette”). I can do “posh” if absolutely needed to but then later on, I would need to go somewhere where I can ‘remove’ my “society-conditioned” ‘self’ and be me again – usually at home….. (a bit like the film ‘Cocoon’, to give you a ‘hypothetical’ view).

        2. Truthseeker6157 says:

          Ha ha,

          Visually it was stunning. I think I’m worse when I know I can’t laugh AV, but I do definitely have a tendency to laugh at stuff like that. My ex boyfriend at uni took me out to a swanky restaurant and walked straight into a wooden beam as we were shown to the table, hit it so hard, he staggered backwards. Same deal, I was convulsed with laughter sitting at the table. Needless to say, I was in bad books there.

          1. Asp Emp says:

            laughing….. hilarious…… brilliant!

          2. A Victor says:

            Yes! It is the worst when you really can’t laugh! I’ve had to vacate places to get it under control sometimes! I had a tall friend one time who jumped from the top of a short staircase and her forehead connected with the wall on the other side! Your story reminded me of that one. She landed on her back at the bottom of the stairs, knocked out for a few seconds. After being checked at the ER, she was fine. And we laughed! But, that one was a bit scary! Thanks for sharing your story, I did enjoy the giggle!

          3. Asp Emp says:

            laughing…… “I’ve had to vacate places to get it under control” – I totally get that……

            laughing, again, at the story you shared as above (so glad to know that your friend was ok) – it’s still funny though…. (I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who laughs “inappropriately”).

          4. Truthseeker6157 says:

            AV,

            See that’s the same deal, I laughed at that too!!

            Let’s face it. It’s just plain funny. I’d laugh at myself if I did it. Once I came round. Casualty doctors must have the best laugh.

            “Kid with marble stuck up his nose. Who wants it?”

          5. A Victor says:

            Haha, TS, yes, those Drs must have a hard time containing themselves sometimes!!

            And Asp Emp, I need to cocoon at a certain point too but if I’m laughing, I’ll last much longer!

  3. Truthseeker6157 says:

    HG,

    Confessions of a Narcissist. Paragraph repetition in You Reap What You Sow.

    Paragraph commencing ‘Social media gives rise to the mundane.’ Re edit needed when you get time.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you, adjusted.

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        You’re welcome.

  4. Asp Emp says:

    Probably came back as something else. Probably won’t if the same “grammar” is used, or incapable of using grammar. Maybe starts speaking in Klingon. I don’t think even Google can translate that. LOL

  5. Asp Emp says:

    Do you ever get weary HG? With all that you do and also do you find that you have to take time (ie for an hour or so?) to be on your own especially after a session with Dr E?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not get weary. I find the behaviour of certain people tedious though.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        LOL, LOL. I know what you mean. I’m still laughing. BTW that jedi thingy has gone quiet – do you know anything about it?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Do you mean, do I know why he has gone quiet?

          1. Asp Emp says:

            In your opinion, maybe I phrased it wrong, maybe not 🙂

        2. Another Cat says:

          He wrote a goodbye the day before yesterday.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Seems to be a recent trend.

    2. Asp Emp says:

      I found a short answer to the ‘being on your own’ in reading your book Decipher. It’s a good book HG.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you, do leave a review on Amazon.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Done that HG. I’m a good girl. X

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Hg approves

  6. Leela says:

    It´s so disgusting! I´m sorry, at the moment I´m disgusted of ALL narcs (excuse me H.G.). I´m working on my ET, working to get rid of it and the more my ET fades away, the more disgusted I am! I remember the arrogance, the smug, the “It´s ALWAYS ALL about ME ME ME ME ME!”, the envy, the malice joy, The Stare, those tiny litte arrogant and degrading remarks and jokes, this incredible sense of entitlement, no guilt, no shame, no remorse, no boundaries, those bubbling fury underneath the surface, the aggression! All that could be found below the surface of a “nice, sensitive, shy, warm-hearted good Christian”, who reads the Bible, “loves animals, who cares for others, who is oh so sensitive”, boo hoo! A perfect angel with an incredible and disgusting dirty, stinky face. And below the surface, OH HOW IT STINKS!

    A perfect example of an Angel with a Dirty Face, a middle mid range type A elite (but more cerebral leaning) narc.

    And while working on my ET and discovering that he has also antisocial traits, I stopped.

    Needed a little break!

    I´m sorry, I really don´t mean to insult anyone, just wanted to vent my spleen 🙂 just tell how I feel.

    1. Empath007 says:

      This makes sense. I get why you’d feel
      This way.

      I was thinking the other day that most people have this expectation of young children to learn to act like adults. People roll their eyes when they have a tantrum in a store, or at a restaurant etc. When a child can not help it as their brains are not fully developed.

      So when a grown adult throws a tantrum (due to their narcissim) at a dinner party (because they weren’t served first) or even in private…. and it’s consistent behaviour… how is anyone supposed to tolerate that ? Even if we understand they have a different perspective it doesn’t make it any less annoying lol. Which is why GOSO is the only alternative.

      So I get it. The behaviour to us is deplorable.

  7. Truthseeker6157 says:

    I am reading Confessions of a narcissist. I’m loving it. I imagined it a little more like Ask but from the HG perspective. It’s very different in style to Ask. I have all three of the Confessions books but am currently reading the first.

    I’m finding that Dr O asks many of the same questions that I have asked or would ask you. I haven’t even studied Psychology. I find this a little strange. The question that she asks in ‘Let The Right One In’, have you since considered this question further HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There can be and will be no wholesale change.

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Thank you for the response.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  8. Eternity says:

    Dr. E is starting to get on my nerves .Sorry HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Why be sorry? He was born to irritate.

      1. Eternity says:

        It sounds like it . Do you have a choice to see someone else . This man needs therapy himself I would ask for a refund . Again this is my opinion HG

        1. HG Tudor says:

          He is serving a purpose.

          1. Eternity says:

            Totally understandable HG. Hopefully your dealings with him become less in the future .

    2. Empath007 says:

      People always say this about doctor E … and I neve get why. I love deeply personal questions myself. The thing I’ve not liked about all the therapists I’ve seen is they were way too surface level. Getting paid to just sit there and listen but not offer any advice. To me that’s a waste of money… I’m there with a specific problem… so let’s get to the bottom of it.

      If any of my therapists would have been any good, perhaps I would have been more aware of my co dependency earlier. Instead I had to do all the work myself on the Internet haha.

      I can understand why HG may find it tedious. Owing to our completely different perspectives and our completely different reasons for seeking therapy.

      But none of those questions sound insulting to me… they just sound like he seeks to understand…

      That’s my two cents.

  9. December Infinity says:

    HG, come out, come out, wherever you are!

    1. Eternity says:

      Ha ha , we would want HG to come out so we can see his beautiful face .

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