The Devastation of the Illusion

 

THE-DEVASTATION-OF-THE-ILLUSION

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You only ever love the person you thought I was.

17 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion

  1. December Infinity says:

    Here is my retort to this. I am aware and have been for a while that there was nothing with you, not even an illusion.There was never any love as I never felt any. You were and still are devoid of any emotion and interaction. You never learned anything about me as you didn’t take the time. I was unaware of what you were/are (though I am learning!) but you never knew what you were either, and likely still don’t. There was no relationship, only what you took from me. The financial mess you left will eventually improve over time and unlike you I don’t need medication. What was the lame excuse you used for your rages … anxiety, stress … as if. There is nothing to try to crawl back to as it was never there in the first place.

  2. stingley75 says:

    HG Tudor – You were an amazing help to me 2 years ago with my lesser violent narc who is now serving 4-6 yrs in prison for assaulting me. I WANT TO SAY “THANK YOU!” I did no contact from the day of my assault to present. I remained alone – bought your books, listened to your videos BUT fell into the arms of a COVERT narc. He was an ex from 25 years ago. I left him due to his alcohol abuse and raging outbursts. I didn’t know what he was over the years. He wears the “I’M a HUMBLE GOOD GUY” MASK. Over these past few months – I immediately saw flags and even confronted him after a narc rage. He actually admitted he was diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder. Of course he doesn’t care or know what that is. I sure in the hell do. So I’m back to “NO CONTACT” and GOSO. My pain has been minimal Thanks to your education. I would like to request you to do commentary on these types – Covert Narcs. All my research shows they are the most DANGEROUS. They come as a wounded, fragile and nice person. Very PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE. Involvement with them can last for many years with this type and you are unaware of what you are dealing with.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      I do not use the term covert narc, it is too broad. I address the behaviours which are covert in nature and also the types of narcissists which use covert behaviours the most namely Lower Mid Range, Middle Mid Range Type A, Middle Mid Range Type B, Upper Mid Range, Lower Greater, Middle Greater and Upper Greater.

      1. Afua Stingley says:

        Thanks I understand – I was previously dealing with a Lessor – Now I see this POS is a Low Mid Range. I’ve had an addiction to these types in the past – Again I Thank You for helping me see this.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Soooo many stories of long lost loves, sweethearts, crushes, and even friends of long ago suddenly popping up on social media and then wrangling their way into lives. There’s a reason they’re in your past. They’re dicks.

      But really – they were not worth keeping up with. If they were they’d either still be in your life or too busy with their life to be living in the past and fishing the internet for old news.

      It’s a red flag to me.

      Stingley75
      My comment was not directed at you but prompted by your comment and all of the stories I have heard using this method. My own narc brother snared his new one this way. They were in grade school together.

      HG
      Would this be covered under The Long Distance Empath? Or would it warrant it’s own examination under separate article?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        It would warrant a separate article, NA, with regard to The Long Time Ago Hoover.

  3. hopelessly hopeful says:

    It has been 4.5 years since I was “discarded”. It took a good year to year and a half to even realize what the heck has happened! (We share a daughter, to his dismay I’m sure) At times I catch glimpses of him that take me back. I feel like I am mourning the death of someone I loved dearly, and because of my nature, I still care about, but I cannot move forward as I’d like because he’s not dead. I see him. I hear him. It’s so unfair that I’ve lived my life and chosen a career that requires caring for others. I hate to say it, but I pray that I will gain the strength to just as hateful. My daughter deserves none of this perversion and hate.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You can move forward HH; you have arrived here.

  4. Asp Emp says:

    “You only ever love the person you thought I was”. Hmm.

    No wonder, the victims are seen to be the “crazy” one. Other people outside the ‘relationship’ do not see the individual he really is – only the nice, charming, ‘never-hurt-anyone’ guy. Other people were not present when he made those empty promises, not there when he behaved like a ‘blank’ book, not there when we had our conversations. He broke me. I hate what he did to me.

  5. Eternity says:

    HG, I will never hallucinate again, which means I will never ever fall in love again. I dont want to keep making the same mistake twice.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Twice bitten. Thrice shy……

  6. blackcoffee30 says:

    If this mofo thinks he’s coming back he’s delusional.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That amused me.

  7. karmicoverload says:

    “I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me.” In my case, he’s there all the god damn time.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Saves you having to buy a garden gnome 😉

      1. karmicoverload says:

        Asp Emp true! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

      2. blackcoffee30 says:

        Hahaha

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