´Til Death Do Us Disengage



The word ‘discard’ is well-known in the lexicon of the narcissistic world.  Disengage is actually accurate, but I shall use discard here purely for the sake of familiarity.

It forms one of the four cornerstones of the narcissistic embrace. This embrace applies to nearly all appliances and is most common with the Intimate Partner Primary Source. The seduction, the devaluation, the discard (disengage) and the hoover. Discard (disengage) brings with it a sense of finality. The impression that we have extracted everything we can from you and that we are finally done with you. You have served your purpose and we no longer have any use for you. I do not think discard is an accurate description. We certainly toss you aside with no concern for your well-being or emotional state. We suddenly stop communicating with you. You cannot contact us as we vanish, walking off the face of the earth. If you receive some kind of half-baked explanation, then you ought to consider yourself as lucky to receive even that. We are, however, never done with you. The discard as such is a temporary cessation to the dance that you and I engage in.

I have written elsewhere of the main reasons why we discard (disengage) and chief among them is the fact that we have acquired a new toy. You are old, stale and no fun anymore so you are left at the bottom of the toy box as we become infatuated with our new shiny and glittering toy. Of course your discard is not permanent. Once I selected you, you had a role to fulfil for the rest of your life when it comes to me. You have no choice, so far as I am concerned, in respect of this role. I assigned it to you and I regard you as obligated to carry it out forever. I may decide that I require you again for the purposes of triangulation. I may want the new primary source to pump out even more positive fuel because they feel threatened by your re-appearance. Like some corpse, we resurrect you in order to unnerve the new primary source. We will hoover you and tempt you with the prospect of winning our favour once again. When we triangulate you in this fashion you can rest assured that what is being said to you will have been  said in a similar way to the new primary source. We may comment to you: –

“She is just someone to pass the time with, she is nowhere near as special as you are to me.”

Around the same time, we will be telling your replacement primary source,

“Don’t worry about her. She cannot let go. I am not surprised really because I did so much for her, but it is you I want, you are so special, far more than she ever was.”

You are spurred on by such encouragement and double your efforts to please me in the hope of winning me back. The replacement is spurred on by such encouragement and she doubles her efforts to keep me and ensure you prove to be no temptation to me.

We will bring you back if the new prospect turns out to be less effective than we thought. We decide that they need to be consigned to the scrap heap quicker than usual and therefore we will turn to that person we know. You. We know all about you and how you will react and therefore it is far easier to return to you and hoover you than seek someone new again. This has the added benefit that the passage of time will have allowed you to recover from our abuse but also the longing that we imbue in you, when we discard, will continue to gnaw away at you and thus when we decide we have ended the “discard” you are easy to hoover.

We may be utterly delighted with your replacement but decide we will end the “discard” in order to punish you further. At this stage we have no interest in engaging in a romantic and intimate relationship with you again. Your replacement serves that role most effectively. No, we want to punish you. We will hoover you in an unpleasant and savage way, smearing you and parading your replacement around to all and sundry and explaining how wonderful it is to be with someone who truly understands us, loves us and is not abusive as you were.

We may toss you aside and come nowhere near you for weeks, months and even years. We know that the nature of this “discard” is such that no matter how hard you try; you remain vulnerable to being sucked back in. This is because you have not been able to cope with the ever presence we created and your frequent reminders of the golden period. It is also because you want answers, finality and understanding and because we flounced off the face of the earth, you did not get those things and the desire to receive them remains strong even years later.

We do not truly discard you. We push you to one side but you serve many purposes afterwards. You recover so your fuel provision increases again, you are the provider of both positive and negative fuel, dependent on how we hoover you. You are needed for the triangulations we wish to deploy. This cycle of picking you up and putting you down again, as and when suits us, is one that will go on and on until such time as you decide to break the pattern of “discards” and escape instead. Of course when you try to escape us we do not regard this as ending our binding arrangement. You are mis-guided, perhaps listening to the biased voices of others which is affecting your judgement. You, in our minds, do not get to choose when the arrangement ends. All the way through our lives, we will use you and then push you to one side before coming back again at some future point. If you allow us the means of contact by drifting into our sphere of influence again then we will hoover you, because the opportunity is too good to pass up. You are then drawn in, the cycle commences once more and a further “discard” will happen. You can see by the repeated nature of this process that there is no real discard, only a temporary cessation to our entanglement, but one tendril always remains wrapped around, continuing the connection so that we can draw you back in at our choice.

Even if you take steps whereby you expose us for what we are or reveal us to other people who accept what you say, we will withdraw to lick our wounds but this discard is temporary also. We still want your fuel and we want it badly. We also have a desire for revenge. We may not resume matters in a benign method when this happens and instead opt for the malign approach in order to extract fuel, but the entanglement will begin again at some future point.

We put you down but you can always be picked up again. Rest assured that this will happen repeatedly and even if you think the nature of the discard was so harsh, so savage and seemed so final, it was not. We will return, if able and do it all again.

The only true disengagement of our toxic entanglement is when one of us dies. Only then is there finality.

27 thoughts on “´Til Death Do Us Disengage

  1. Kim says:

    And your thinking about it which you do constantly whether you realize it or not will never go away
    Maybe just try what HG suggests. You came to the blog for a reason. Learn what to do to get the n out of your mind.
    I used all the reasons you are using and it doesn’t work. You might have to change phone numbers 12 times. He wins just by you saying it won’t work. Get a burner phone and he can’t find the number on line. Maybe someone you know that has your number(s) is one of his coitere.
    We here have all been where you are. Denial. I will show him. Not changing for him. I know I have.
    This is all your ET talking.

    1. 1jaded1 says:

      Thank you. I did come to this blog for a reason, many years ago. Finding his blog was a breath of fresh air. I never think about ex except when he pings once or twice a year. As HG says the result will likely be temporary. Then it’s back to square one. I will consider blocking, even though I’m not a fan. My point of comment was in agreement to HG that it never ends. Never.

  2. CBGT says:

    Excellent, HG.

    I’ve seen it it action i many forms many times. Before I blocked him he would hoover me when he had some problems with new girl. He never mentioned her but I knew he is nice to me because she done something that enraged him. I blocked him when I realized that was the case and it would never end.

    Other time when he was with someone else and it seemed his IPPS was in devaluation, his other ex who escaped him many years ago broke NC and entered his sphere of influence on social media, I think she was courious if he will take the bait and hoover her. He was indirectely encouraging her to come closer, giving signs he also thinks about her and when she started revealing her positive feelings on social media he just blocked her and cut her off completely. Right after that he started flaunting his IPPS again. Golden Period was back. So it seemed he was pretending to think about ex just to make her come to him and punish her in front of everybody. Very sneaky creature and poor woman who thought she would win this game.

  3. December Infinity says:

    Interesting concept you have written here HG.

    I can understand that if someone doesn’t cut off all contact then OBVIOUSLY there will always be an opening for the narcissist to resume communication of some sort at any time.

    I was the one who ended it with him, so he was the one to leave. I made it clear that I was fed up with him and no longer interested. I have zero desire to communicate with him. I blocked his number and changed my number. I deleted conspicuous email accounts. Almost done purging the crap he left here. Any mail that has arrived at my address that belongs to him has been sent back ‘return to sender’. He has been blocked on social media and I have been off the grid from social media for a few weeks now. Better that way. He is far enough away that he wouldn’t bother with anything else. He is flighty, illiterate and no doubt far too busy fake-pretending with the new ones he has conned into his lair.

    As for the death part … the way he lives his life (all the drinking, smoking, drugs, prescription medications, junk food, negligent hygiene, deplorable dental care and so on ….), it may send him 6 feet under sooner rather than later. On the off chance, if I were so lucky, maybe his head will explode suddenly, you know, like a cartoon character who has walked into some unfortunate event!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am pleased that you have found that to be the case, DI.

  4. Asp Emp says:

    I recall saying one time “I am not a toy to be picked up and pushed to one side when and how you feel like it”. No response or mention of my statement. Now, I know why.

    1. karmicoverload says:

      I think I said the same and got a similar non-response!

  5. Zena Gardner says:

    Dear HG
    Are you left handed?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am ambidextrous.

  6. karmicoverload says:

    This is so depressing. I almost want my Narc Detector result to be negative, just so I don’t have to be afraid of Hoover’s anymore.

    1. Kim e says:

      Don’t be afraid. Be empowered.
      The N wins if you are afraid. Become empowered so if a hoover comes you can seat it away and say be gone you nasty little shit

      1. karmicoverload says:

        He really is nasty. He was shouting at the post man today for having the audacity to try get into his garden to drop a parcel off for him.

    2. CBGT says:

      Being involved with a narcissist is one of the worst things in life that could happen to you. You can block, you can cut all contact but the memory of abuse is always with you. The bond between you two is strong, narcissist is always present in your life even without any contact. He leaves scars, he changes you as a person. Its a curse. I hope your partner is not a narcissist.

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    This is dismal. Ex has contacted me twice in the past week. One communication said that he wished I was with him. It truly does not end. Thanks to you, I’m no longer disturbed…much.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      How is he able to contact you 1jaded1?

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        Phone numbers are easy to get, HG. He texts. I don’t block and that’s on me. Doesn’t mean I have to answer. It’s just interesting and dismal that he is texting things like, “Wish you were here.” We have been broken up since the 2000s and here it is 2020.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Change your number.

          1. 1jaded1 says:

            No. If I do that, he wins.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Emotional thinking.

          3. 1jaded1 says:

            No. The only thing emotional is the smile on HIS face when he thinks he has gotten under my skin if I change my number. Either that or the anger as he somehow finds my new number. F that S. I won’t give him the satisfaction. I only commented to illustrate that you are correct in that it’s sad that he finds the need to reach out. It’s sad.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Completely wrong and clear emotional thinking.

          5. 1jaded1 says:

            Nope. Not going to argue with you. He found my new number that I’ve had for 24 ish months. It was change unrelated to him and he found it. It’s easy enough to do. Changing my number takes time out of my day that I could be doing other things, such as reading your posts. I do still read, but just don’t comment much.

        2. Empath007 says:

          I understand your feelings Jade because I have had the same ones myself. In fact, years later as well, I still struggle with them.

          For me it wasn’t my number, email, social media or any other way he could contact me. But it was not deleting his friends from social media and remaining working for the same company (although I did transfer offices).

          20 years later …. do you really care who wins anymore ? I agree. He’s pathetic for still trying. If he can find your number how is he doing that ? Mutual friends ?

          Anyhow. Block him. He won’t win if you do it.

          1. 1jaded1 says:

            Yes. Win was probably not the best choice of words. No one wins in this situation, Empath007. He relished when he made people change their routines. It would make him pee himself if he thought I changed my number on account of him. He isn’t worth it. I’m wasting too much time letting him live in my head. It only happens a couple times a year which is way too many.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Emotional thinking.

            1. Changing your number means when he hoovers, the hoover fail and therefore he is wounded. You win, he loses.
            2. Him being wounded is a factor which reduces hoover risk for a period of time. You win, he loses.
            3. IF he does get off on thinking he made you change your number, it is Thought Fuel which is weak and ephemeral in nature. This slight downside is offset by the several upsides caused by changing your number.
            4. Changing your number means you will not know about the hoovers for some time resulting in reducing emotional thinking, rather than receiving the hoovers which is a breach of no contact. You win, he loses.
            5. Changing you number means you will not receive any hoovers and therefore not experience an adverse consequence, you win he loses.

            Change you number. Everything you have written is emotional thinking.

          3. 1jaded1 says:

            And when he finds my number again, it’s rinse and repeat. I’d rather block…if I were a blocking sort of person. Again, my point in commenting was to say that you are right. It never ends. I’ve wasted too much time even thinking about it.

          4. Empath007 says:

            That was inspiring HG. When you put it like that…. that’s a perspective I have not considered before while trying to keep my pride in tact. And appear as though none of it got to me… even though all of it got to me.

            I’ve had a few losses along the way of people I liked but new they were gathering information. I had to block them. Even though I knew in their hearts some were decent people… I could not take the risk.

            If you don’t change your number Jade… at least block him.

            As samatha says in sex and the city “there’s always a competition with and ex… it’s called who’ll die miserable” haha. but you don’t have to play that game.

            And while the narc will naturally relate you changing your number to be a direct result of him… if you make up a lie as to why you did it with others that know him…. he’d look pretty stupid claiming otherwise.

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