Toxic Logic

TOXIC LOGIC

Confusion is at the heart of the narcissistic dynamic. Confusion causes several things to happen. You provide fuel far more readily, you submit to our control, you are easier to manipulate, your blame yourself, you cling on tighter and you do not move forward. Confusion reigns during devaluation. Confusion abounds post escape and especially post discard. Confusion keeps appearing during the hoovers which inevitably appear. The creation of confusion is a must for us if we are to keep our grip on you and achieve our aims. How many times have you said any of the following?

Why is he doing this?

I don’t understand why one moment she is fine and the next she is a howling banshee?

Why does he get so angry over nothing?

Why won’t he leave me alone?

I cannot work out what is wrong.

What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?

Why won’t you tell me what is the matter?

What was that for?

What did you say that for?

Why did you just do that?

These are all the common responses of victims who do not understand what is happening to them. This is because each and every single one of them is looking at the situation through their own world view and is accordingly applying their own logic to the situation. They are also doing so in a skewed fashion because that logic is heavily tainted by emotion which impairs clarity of thought. Not that our kind would complain about that.

One of the central planks to understanding the narcissistic dynamic is to understand our Toxic Logic. This is so-called because the effect of the application of our logic is that it has a toxic effect on you. Once you understand this toxic logic, you will make considerable advances into understanding why we behave as we do, why we say the things we do, why we react in the fashion that we do and why it impacts on you in such a fashion. You will not like this toxic logic. You will find it abhorrent but it is not necessary for you to like it. What you must do is apply it.

When you look at a situation adopting your worldview it is akin to staring into the dark of the night and looking into a forest. You may be able to see the trees because of the moonlight; you see lots of shadows but you cannot spot the man that is lurking there training a gun on you. Apply night vision goggles to that situation and all of a sudden you can see much more as they catch the infra-red section of the light spectrum and you can see the assassin clearly. Applying the toxic logic is the equivalent of switching to night vision. You will notice things that have been there all along. You will understand why we have responded in a certain way which has previously been a complete mystery to you.

Let us take the dinner table example. You have made dinner. you serve the four guests first, place a plate for yourself on the table and then serve your narcissist last. He knocks the plate to the floors spilling the food and breaking the plate. Your guests gasp. He stares at you, glowers and you watch shocked and puzzled as he storms off from the dining room. Why on earth did he just do that? Fifteen minutes later he returns, sits down and converses with you and the guests as if nothing has happened. How can he do that after such a display?

Looking at it from your worldview, you served the four guests first because that is polite. You then served yourself because your place setting was nearest to the food so that was practical. You served the narcissist last because he was furthest away and also you gave him more than the others since you didn’t have to save any of the food for anybody else, since everybody had been served. The evening had been proceeding in a friendly and pleasing fashion with everybody enjoying themselves. There is, from your worldview, no reason at all for this sudden display of temper.

He returns with no apology or sense of embarrassment at his behaviour and continues as if he has just been to the bathroom or to answer the door. He is pleasant and charming to both you and the guests. Again from your worldview, you are left puzzled by this behaviour. Who on earth behaves like that?

Now you apply the toxic logic and the reason is all too clear. By serving the narcissist last you told him through this action, which was not accompanied by any fuel, that he was not important. This was a criticism. This wounded him. His self-defence response to this wounding was the ignition of his fury. He could not keep it under control because of the type of narcissist that he is. The fury therefore manifested as heated fury. He tipped the plate to the floor spilling the food and breaking the plate. This caused drama and had all eyes on him. The guests were taken aback and their gasps of surprise and shock provided him with emotional attention, thus fuel. Your stunned reaction also provided him with fuel. He then walked out, drawing further emotional reaction from everybody assembled and in another room he has been able to draw on Thought Fuel as he imagines the ongoing reaction to his outburst. All of this fuel goes to the repair of the narcissistic wound that he has suffered. His fury will abate and he will return at some point as if nothing has happened.

Indeed, he returns, fury abated and is able to switch back without any show of concern to be charming and pleasant, thus drawing positive fuel from all those he is engaging with. Out of politeness, nobody mentions the incident, no doubt fearing a repeat performance.

This is but one example amongst millions that normal healthy people and empathic healthy people just cannot understand. Internally, those who witnessed the incident may be anxious, puzzled, pleased that it is over, wondering what caused it, wary of it happening again and a whole host of other thoughts. None of them will actually understand why it happened. It is only the application of the toxic logic that allows you to understand it.

So, what is this toxic logic? I shall example the main principles behind it. As you read these principles I know you will be thinking such thoughts as

But that is insane

That is ridiculous

Why live like that?

Can’t he or she see how crazy that looks?

Remember, it only appears that way because you are applying your own worldview to these principles. In order to understand and apply the toxic logic you have to let go of your logic – for the time being – and just accept that these are the principles we operate by. As I mentioned before, it is irrelevant whether you like them or agree with them. You should not feel any need to challenge them. You should just accept that this is the way that it is and once you do that, you will grasp why we are as we are. These are the principles of our toxic logic.

  1. Fuel is everything to us. It governs everything we do, whether by instinct or by calculation.
  2. Nothing is ever our fault. Nothing at all.
  3. We are entitled to do what we want, when we want, where we want, how we want and with whom we choose.
  4. You are the competition.
  5. Everybody is an appliance that yields fuel.
  6. If you do what we want, you are good.
  7. If you do not do what we want, you are bad.
  8. There is no middle, no grey, no inbetween.
  9. The end always justifies the means.
  10. We have no concept of remorse, guilt or a conscience.
  11. The world is against us.
  12. Anything that blocks, defies, challenges or calls into question our superiority is a criticism., if it is done without providing fuel.
  13. We hate criticism
  14. Criticism wounds us and ignites our fury.
  15. We must control our environment. Control is paramount to us.
  16. We do not recognise boundaries
  17. We have no empathy
  18. We mimic and copy to pretend we have certain emotions and feelings.
  19. We lie repeatedly.
  20. Fuel is everything to us – worth repeating.

This logic is toxic because the outcome is that you are manipulated. We abuse people, we use people, we trample on people and do so without any concerns at all for that person’s wellbeing. You will be considering such behaviour and outlook at odious and reprehensible and coming from an empathic individual that is entirely understandable.

Let us apply the toxic logic to another scenario.

You send your narcissist a text message asking when he will be coming home. You receive no reply. You text again. No reply. You ring. There is now answer. Your narcissist eventually appears at 2am when you are lying still awake in bed. There is no apology, no explanation and he says nothing to you but gets into bed and falls asleep. You are left worried, bewildered and upset.

From your world view you cannot understand why he did not respond to a perfectly reasonable text message. You cannot understand why he did not tell you he would be late. You know of no reason why he would stay out so late and not warn you. You find it hurtful and upsetting and you are confused because he is meant to love you and if someone loves someone then they do not behave this way. I have heard such comments many times.

Now apply the toxic logic.

The narcissist is entitled to do as he pleases. Thus if he wants to stay out, he can.

The narcissist is never to blame. Therefore, he feels no compulsion to warn you he will be late, to apologise for returning late or to offer any explanation.

Your text message sought to exert control over him. You are the competition. This is prohibited conduct.

The text message was not accompanied by fuel. By suggesting that he was beholden to you, this amounted to a perception of criticism by the narcissist. He felt wounded. Some narcissists could control the fury that is ignited and might have answered. This narcissist could not. His response was cold fury through a silent treatment. Hence the failure to reply and answer the ‘phone.

He gained Thought Fuel knowing that you would be concerned and worried at his failure to reply and him staying out late. This would heal the wound and abate the ignited fury.

He was justified treating you in this fashion because he is entitled and the end always justifies the means. Further, fuel is everything.

Thus, when looked at from the narcissist’s perspective, applying the toxic logic everything makes perfect sense to him, but viewed from your perspective it will not. The toxic logic will repeatedly explain to you why we suddenly erupt, go silent, suddenly apply the golden period again, why we carry on like normal afterwards, why we never apologise or if we do it is a false apology and so forth. Everything about what we say and do, how we behave and respond appears nonsensical, confusing and puzzling when looked at from your perspective. This means you give us fuel, try harder to please us, submit to our manipulations and remain in our grip. It also means that your empathic traits of needing to understand, wanting the truth, being good and decent and trying to help are catered for. Thus, sub-consciously, you are getting something you need from it, even though it is upsetting you, angering you or frustrating you. Our behaviour, lacking any logic in your world, keeps you where we want you and also caters for your empathic needs meaning you remain in place.

Every time something happens which perplexes you, you will suffer the consequences of our toxic logic. You are hurt, upset, mystified, anxious and so on. If, however, you apply our toxic logic to what has happened you will work out why it has happened. It is not always easy to do. it takes time to work it out. It takes discipline and repeated application in a way that is alien to you. You will not like it. You will not approve, but you will understand. Once you start to understand, you gain control. Once you start to understand, the toxic effects of being confused, bewildered and lost are ameliorated. Once you understand, you can begin to establish a way to deal with the application of this toxic logic so that the effects become less and less effective. You are then taking your first steps to freedom.

20 thoughts on “Toxic Logic

  1. Lapine says:

    It is indeed a huge concept to process and understand. The fact that a person can demonstrate such love, affection and tenderness towards you yet be incapable of feeling those emotions. However, I think it explains why they are able to carry out their hideous manipulations, because they don’t feel any love for you. Don’t take it personally, it doesn’t mean you’re not lovable, it means they’re not capable of truly loving you or anyone else. What they love is your fuel. BTW, I learnt this lesson from Tudor School of Narcissism. I wouldn’t have reached this understanding without reading his work.

    1. Cup Cakes says:

      I totally understand Lapine.

      I would hear the following.
      Love You

      BABE

      Cant live without you.

      Your the best thing that has happened to me.

      I cant stop thinking of you.

      Glad I found this intelligent man H.G to educate me on what was really happening.

    2. lickemtomorrow says:

      Hi Lapine, that is a great insight you have provided – that the reason they are able to carry out their hideous manipulations is because they are incapable of experiencing the same emotions we are. I never looked at it from that angle, but it makes perfect sense. Anyone who was truly capable of love would not be able to do those things to you. Which is a great segway into “don’t take it personally”, “it doesn’t mean you’re not loveable”. So much wisdom in your comment. And it’s true. None of us would have reached our current understanding without HG. So glad you shared you’re thoughts again.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I have explained this repeatedly.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          So you have, HG!

          And sometimes it takes things a while to sink in. I have a mental block to some of the information you share. That’s my self-protective mechanism kicking in.

          Basically the equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and saying “lalalalala”!

          I’ll just pop across and get the ‘dummy’ sign to hang around my neck while I go sit in the corner until you give me permission to rejoin the class 😉

      2. Lapine says:

        You’re welcome Lickemtomorrow.

  2. alexine99 says:

    This IMO is one of your best and very relevant to what’s happening for me right now.

    I haven’t totally derailed but have been taken aback by an unexpected wave of ET. For me this is horribly unpleasant and my NC slip up via email cost me. I’ve sealed myself off despite it potentially costing me thousands of dollars. My confusion right now is paramount.

    They say wisdom through suffering…..
    A

  3. December Infinity says:

    Finally some clarification on the illogical behaviour I have experienced for so many years with different narcs. It triggered me a bit to read this, but the dose of reality is needed to see into the forest.

  4. Lapine says:

    The questions “why has he behaved in this way, I don’t understand and nothing makes any sense” were finally answered by this article. It was a break through moment for me and the feelings of relief at being able to have my questions answered have at last brought me some peace of mind. I will be eternally grateful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good to know, Lapine and thank you for commenting. It is important to see people who have not commented before expressing their observations and in particular how my work has brought you clarity and freedom. Keep reading.

      1. Lapine says:

        Your work has made me realize and accept that the person I loved wasn’t real, he was an illusion. The true person that he is, is completely unloveable. Through your no frills explanations, I understand that when my ET kicks in, it’s not love I‘m feeling but addiction to the illusion he created. Addictions can be controlled but you have to go through cold turkey and maintain vigilance. I can attest that your advice of NO Contact works. It’s been super useful too that you go into such details explaining what no contact actually means. Of course I’ll keep reading if you keep writing.

        1. Cup Cakes says:

          Same happened to me. I always new my narc was fake but couldnt pin point what was behind it. I found it difficult to believe that I was loved by them as there words never matched there actions.

          1. Lapine says:

            Mine was different. He was able to show love and was very loving and affectionate which, of course, convinced me that he was genuine. That’s the thing though with narcs, they are capable of showing love because one of their manipulations is mirroring, however they are incapable of feeling love for another person . It took me a long time before I really understood that.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Correct Lapine.

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            I’m still trying to get my head around it, but you have expressed the illusion beautifully.

          4. Cup Cakes says:

            Thats a given

          5. Cup Cakes says:

            They are great actors/actresses.

  5. Summer says:

    An article to read & re-read. I used to wish my husband would do something in front of others so i could get help but he only made 1 mistake ever. He used to get me in ‘mute mode’ where i stopped hearing him on the way to church & bound in to exuberantly socialize with everyone while i recovered n the car & then pickup again after before we would even be out of the parking lot. I became a master of avoiding the car. I really wished he would beat me it would hurt less & get me help. Its ok now though Because of articles like this.

    1. alexissmith2016 says:

      Awww Summer. I wish I’d have known you back then. I’d have rescued you and taken you back to mine!

  6. Asp Emp says:

    It’s a great image.

    “In order to understand and apply the toxic logic you have to let go of your logic – for the time being – and just accept that these are the principles we operate by” – sigh – (god) – narcissists are hard work! This ‘principle’ would work as long as our ET levels are not running around amok and we have been taught the understandings of what TL (Toxic Logic) and by applying our own LT in the same ‘situation’. Not easy. Doable? It depends on the empath’s strength.

    The way I see it – narcissists are people who have ‘special needs’, just like someone who may rely on a wheelchair to be independently mobile – I know that it is not necessarily in the same ‘context’. Narcissists may feel offended by the words ‘special needs’ – it is somewhat correct, they have ‘needs’ to be met by supplies of fuel and they consider themselves special.

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