The Loneliness of the Long Distance Empath


Long Distance Empaths have always existed within the Fuel Matrix of the narcissist, although they were comparatively rare since the method of communication with the Long Distance Empath would only occur through telephone, postal service and carrier pigeon. Fuel provision was intermittent and small in amount. Yes, the Long Distance Empath (“LDE”) existed but was not an integral part of the narcissist´s fuel matrix.

Then along came the internet.

Now, the LDE is far more common and most narcissists will have an LDE in the Fuel Matrix.

So, what is the Long Distance Empath?

  1. It is not somebody who is already in the Fuel Matrix who goes on holiday for two weeks, even if that is on the other side of the world.
  2. It is not somebody who is already in the Fuel Matrix who goes away with work across the country for a few months.
  3. It is somebody who lives an aeroplane journey away or 4 or more hours´ drive away.
  4. It is somebody who the narcissist met electronically such as through a dating site or app, on social media or in a chat room. This is a fundamental criterion.
  5. It is somebody where the interaction between the narcissist and victim is conducted through telephone calls, text messages, emails, social media messages, FaceTime and/or Skype and equivalents.
  6. The interaction has not involved any actual face to face meeting at any point.
  7. The interaction has continued for 6 months or more without any physical meeting taking place.

So where does the LDE sit in the fuel matrix of the narcissist?

The Non-Intimate Secondary Source

This conceivably could be a colleague, for instance individuals who work in separate and distant offices who have not met in person, it might also include family if the family members have never met (say cousins) but again it is rare, more usually with regard to the NISS it concerns a friend.

The NISS LDE is treated in a shelf style, just like any other NISS. There will be a Hoover Trigger (the NISS texts the narcissist, the NISS emails or the narcissist just happens to think of the NISS) and the HEC will usually be met because the nature of the hoover (which is how the NISS is taken off the shelf) will be electronic in nature.

The NISS LDE will usually remain painted white and in a golden period almost all of the time. This is because

  1. The intermittent nature of shelf interaction prevents the fuel becoming stale and therefore that particular devaluation trigger is avoided,
  2. The intermittent nature of shelf interaction means the NISS has less opportunity to do something which challenges the narcissist and accordingly receive a Corrective Devaluation.

The NISS LDE who is a friend to the narcissist holds a moderate to moderate high position within the fuel matrix in terms of potency and also with regard to the amount of fuel provided because as the interactions are electronic in nature, they will not involve a physically proximate interaction.

The NISS LDE is found mainly with those in the online and video game community. The narcissist will be part of a gaming group and will repeatedly interact with many NISSs and often at the same time and for hours on end. This form of interaction is often using microphones and headphones whilst gaming, so there is a voice exchange which is a moderately high amount of fuel but of sustained and prolonged frequency. Those narcissists who are interested in gaming will often retreat to their bolthole when the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) is in devaluation and ensconced there have their fuel needs addressed by this online gaming community night after night, a steady flow of moderately potent, moderately high in amount and certainly sufficient to sustain the narcissist alongside the negative fuel provided in person by the ignored, exasperated and of course in devaluation, IPPS.


The Intimate Partner Secondary Source


The LDE IPSS will be treated like a Dirty Little Secret (“DLS”) for the most part.

Since the category is secondary source, again the appliance is treated in a shelf manner so that when there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, the narcissist will hoover by taking this type of LDE off the shelf.

The interaction with this LDE is one whereby they are isolated from the rest of the narcissists fuel matrix. Yes, the narcissist may well talk about other people in the fuel matrix but this LDE (like the in the flesh equivalent DLS) does not meet, speak to or see the friends, family and colleagues of the narcissist. They are kept in an electronic box and taken out when the narcissist wants fuel.

The LDE IPSS has been recruited into the fuel matrix for one purpose and one purpose alone – sexual interaction. There will be sexting, dirty telephone calls involving mutual masturbation, the sending of nude pictures, the creation of and sending sexual videos, emails detailing what the narcissist wants to do to the LDE.

How does the interaction play out between the narcissist and the LDE IPSS?

  1. Owing to the intermittent nature of the interaction, fuel does not become stale and therefore this devaluation trigger is not applicable.
  2. It is a shelf dynamic and therefore the LDE IPSS will be taken off and placed on the shelf repeatedly. Taken off for some texting, for a session of mutual masturbation on Skype or for a dirty telephone call.
  3. If you are a LDE IPSS you will not be the only one. There will be others. The dick pic you have just received? Two other people will have received it and as you are striking a pose in the bedroom and firing back that topless picture, at least another person will be doing similar. The narcissist prefers to have several LDE IPSSs on the go because they are easy to find (there are hunting grounds all over the internet) and it is easy to hoover and thus gain fuel.
  4. The fuel that is provided is of high potency, the frequency can be sustained (for instance an hour long dirty telephone call) and the amount of the fuel ranges from low (dirty text) through to high (Skype video mutual masturbation session).
  5. The advantage for the narcissist is that when there is an in person interaction you will spot if the narcissist is looking at someone else, talking to someone else etc. The LDE IPSS rarely realises that the narcissist is texting someone else, ogling at someone else’s pictures and composing some hooklike in a chat room whilst engaging with the LDE IPSS.
  6. There may be occasional future faking where the narcissist makes noises about meeting up, this is done on two footings:-

a. Dangling the carrot of promised interaction in order to compel the LDE to send those nudes or make video etc, in essence fuel provision and the assertion of control , and/or

b. Where the narcissist perceives that the control over the LDE is slipping and therefore the promise is made or the prospect of meeting is offered in order to assert control once again.

The LDE IPSS is highly unlikely to be able to meet the narcissist in person. A Greater might be moved to meet if they happened to be in the locality of the LDE for other reasons, but the narcissist is not going to go out of their way for this appliance. This is because there will be physically proximate IPSSs that the narcissist is either engaging with or they will engage with and because the largest amount of fuel that can be provided is from an in person proximate interaction this will always trump the LDE.

The LDE IPSS will almost always be engaged with when the IPPS of the narcissist is in devaluation. They are in essence a sexy, exciting fuel provider which is key hidden away in the depths of the internet and is brought out intermittently, maybe nightly but they nearly always remain in cyberspace.

Where a narcissist engages with someone who is met electronically and who the narcissist engages with online for a period but then moves to meet with the IPSS (or NISS) then this is not an LDE. This is an interaction which began online and moved to an in person engagement and thus it is the usual pattern for IPSS or NISS.

The LDE IPSS risks Corrective Devaluation in the following circumstances :-

  1. Pestering the narcissist for contact when on the shelf. Repeatedly texting and calling the narcissist causes Hoover Triggers. Whilst it is easy to respond electronically to the LDE IPSS, the narcissist may well be having his fuel needs mets by the IPPS (along with IPSSs and/or other LDE IPSS) and therefore has no need to hoover the LDE IPSS who is texting the narcissist and seeking interaction. An electronic comfort crumb will usually be issued and then most usually a Silent Treatment will be administered by the narcissist who has felt challenged by the LDE IPSS seeking to make a demand on the narcissist when it is not wanted, so control is asserted by ignoring the LDE IPSS.
  2. Issuing threats to the narcissist to make mention of their activity somewhere online. The LDE IPSS usually does not know where the narcissist lives (or has been given incorrect information) and therefore any attempt at reprisal for mistreatment will be directed online. Issuing such threats against the narcissist will result in a Corrective Devaluation and possibly even Disengagement Devaluation.
  3. Failing to do what the narcissist wants. If the narcissist wants nudes and they are not provided, there will be a Corrective Devaluation which is often triangulation with the IPPS or an IPSS (or another lDE IPSS). The failure to provide the nudes (which are fuel) will wound (a failure to respond) or challenge fuel (replying but refusing to provide them).
  4. Since the entirety of the interaction with the LDE IPSS is electronic the Narcissist´s Social Media Laws apply and chief amongst them is that the LDE IPSS is expected to respond in an instant. Failure to do so will wound the narcissist and invite a Corrective Devaluation.

The LDE is someone (as stated above) who is met online and is kept there. They will be one of at least two LDE IPSSs and there, as always, to provide The Prime Aims but to do so primarily through a sexual online interaction which will lead nowhere.

No matter how much they want to be with the narcissist, no matter how much they express their love and desire for the narcissist, theirs is a lonely existence as they sit remote waiting for that electronic arm to reach across the ocean for them.

The Intimate Partner Primary Source

It is highly unusual for the LDE to be the IPPS because the amount of fuel needed from the IPPS is such that the narcissist must have it as Proximate Fuel. Accordingly, even if you spend a lot of time interacting with the narcissist online and through the telephone (but you never meet), even if the narcissist calls you his girlfriend or her boyfriend, you will not be the IPPS.

There may however be an instance whereby you can be the LDE and the IPPS, albeit it is very rare. The description below fits a situation involving an LDE IPPS.

The Narcissist is a  Mid-Range Elite. He lives alone. He has family in the city where he lives who he sees intermittently and various friends and colleagues who he sees quite often and therefore has a large bank of NISSs to draw on. He however interacts with one source every single day. He is in Europe and she is in the Middle East. They speak on the telephone frequently through the day. They Skype often and for hours at a time, watching the same films although in different continents, effectively going on virtual dates. They have never met. They see one another through Skype and FaceTime, they swap nude pictures, they engage in mutual masturbation, they even have Skype still going in the background when they fall asleep, one watching the other sleep often owing to the difference in time zones. They have never touched one another, never smelt one another, never felt skin on skin, yet spend hours with one another through the power of technology.

This is an LDE IPPS. The narcissist will frequently future fake about meeting in order to keep this person in place. The narcissist will also provide a golden period to this LDE IPPS and will not be cheating on the LDE IPPS with anybody else, but eventually it will happen.

With the in person IPPS, the overwhelming reason why devaluation always occurs is based on the in person IPPS´fuel becoming stale. This is less likely with the LDE IPPS, instead what will cause the devaluation (and just like the in person IPPS, the LDE IPPS will be devalued) is the fact the fuel provision will not be frequent or large enough because of the LDE factor.

The narcissist may end up meeting the LDE eventually but again this is rare. There is a reason why this person has been kept the LDE IPPS and it is because it suits the narcissist because he gains what he needs through the Prime Aims and does so whilst it is easy to exert this control. He does not need to do any chores, he does not need to put his arm around the victim to comfort him or her during the seduction period, he does not have to walk the dog for the LDE IPPS.

The LDE IPPS, just like the LDE IPSS is destined to remain so near through technology yet so far away owing to the lack of physical proximity and thus what they believed to be genuine and fulfilling is only going to cause them to become more and more lonely.

The Long Distance Empath will always be lonely.

20 thoughts on “The Loneliness of the Long Distance Empath

  1. Truthseeker6157 says:

    I just listened to this on YouTube. Finally it clicked. Not sure why it made a difference having it read to me as opposed to reading myself but it did. LDE IPPS. It’s a little like isolating the Mid Range Narcissist. I defined myself by what I definitely wasn’t as opposed to looking for what I was. Now I know. I never really saw myself as having been put into devaluation, but actually, I was. I have been focussing more on what I miss, the start of the relationship (golden period) rather than the latter part (devaluation). It wasn’t an aggressive devaluation, maybe I’m just thick skinned, nicely protected by my narcissistic traits, it was devaluation though. A few things have clicked into place with me today. He’s almost buried, little left to reconcile now. I’m almost free.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Hello TS, I know it is not an easy journey and it takes time to get through your own process. Well done you for getting to this point today, I’m pleased for you 🙂 X

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Hey Asp Emp,

        Thank you, might celebrate with a glass of wine and some chicken.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          I feel sorry for the chicken 😉

          1. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Worn out, poor thing! Haha

          2. Asp Emp says:

            You or the chicken? LOLOLOL. Ah, bless you, thank you for making me laugh.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    A carrier pigeon as a method of communication? The narcissist would have shot the pigeon for not delivering the message!

    “The along came the internet”. Exactly. If I may be so bold to say – KTN site is a community on it’s own. Which happens to be full of various types of ‘fuel’.

    If it wasn’t for the internet – there would be mountains of pigeon s**t worldwide, also piles of corpses of pigeons.

    The last time this article was posted, I commented as to why I don’t do online dating.

    Pigeon pie, anyone?

    1. Eternity says:

      Smart choice Asp Emp. The online dating just adds more stress in someone’s life. I have never done it and I don’t intend to.
      I know a friend that married someone through a dating site. She told me about his behaviours. I recommend her to put him through the Narc Detector Consultation and told her about the famous HG and KTN.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hope your friend makes head-way in her ‘quest’ – maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. Some character traits can be viewed as narcissism when it’s not narcissism. Good that you sign-posted her 🙂

        1. Eternity says:

          For sure, totally agree! I believe he is one. She told me about all of the behaviors in detail. Let’s see if I am correct I will then pass HG school of Narcissism with flying colours

          1. Asp Emp says:

            You’d get a gold star for sure 🙂

          2. Eternity says:

            Thank you !, but the gold star belongs to HG!!!

          3. Asp Emp says:

            Ah, you’re too kind – platinum for HG, me thinks

        2. Cup Cakes says:

          Very Said.Character traits can be viewed as narcissism when iys not.Very Clever thing

  3. Truthseeker6157 says:

    Every time I read this I try to fit myself into a category. I never manage it precisely. I tick nearly all the boxes for the LDE IPPS. We started out on different sides of the world but then I moved and we met a few times. The online remained consistent and to the same level of communication as it was before I moved. Yes to movies and falling asleep online, yes to video call though with original time difference more written communication. Virtual dates, photographs when we were both out. In each other’s pockets the whole time.

    We talked about sex. I talked about previous partners, he didn’t. Likes dislikes etc but it was always light, detailed, but light. Photos were alluded to on his side but more towards the end. I would ask what he was up to sometimes and he would say ‘watching porn’. On a work night he would sometimes sign off with something along the lines of ‘going for a shower and a wank’. It always felt like he was trying to wrong foot me when he did it though. I never read it as an invitation but then I wasn’t expecting it to be as I had made my views on that clear. I would, but only if we were in a proper relationship first. Relationship first, online masturbation etc second, to bridge the gap when we were apart. He wouldn’t get it the other way round. He didn’t appear to push me there, which I read as respectful.

    Maybe he wasn’t that interested in sex. Maybe he wasn’t interested in sex with me. Maybe he got it elsewhere. His views on going out picking up a girl in a club for a one night stand were along the lines of, ’ I can do a better job myself.’ HG said almost the exact thing in ‘Sex and the Narcissist.’ Maybe there was so much emotional content spilling across the page he didn’t need to control me or bind me in that way. Maybe occasional threatened loss and silent treatments worked better in my case because I fought so damn hard. Months of silence and I would still talk every night. Rhyming off why I thought he was cross with me, what I had meant, what his thoughts were, what mine were, on and on I fought. Typical empath response as I now know. That irritates me to death. Don’t like typical. Maybe this was enough in terms of fuel. He was mid range elite and fits the other criteria. His job was crazy in terms of shifts, working weekends, all that fits too.

    I don’t fit the purpose criteria of LDE IPSS
    I don’t fit with starts off online then moves to not online.
    I do fit with LDE IPPS in that I was treated well other than several silent treatments and occasional threatened loss. But I don’t fit in terms of the heavier sexy stuff. Pfft, no I’m not embarrassed talking about this, ok, maybe a bit.

    Maybe there was an element of truth in the theme of ‘I could never be what you wanted me to be.’ Not in the heartbreaking sense, but in the sense of, take me offline and he suspected he wouldn’t meet expectations, I would disengage, he would lose a valuable fuel source. Better to future fake occasionally and prolong online supply as long as he could.

    What the hell was I? And more to the point, why do I even care?

    1. Asp Emp says:

      (mock) shock horror! You, TS, would consider online masturbation?!?!

      1. Truthseeker6157 says:

        Hahaha Asp,

        Ok ok I set myself up for that!
        Now, shoosh you!


        1. Asp Emp says:

          LOLOLOL. Me? Shoosh? At least I know now 😉 X

          1. Truthseeker6157 says:

            Laughing xx

  4. JB says:

    Spot on. Absolutely spot on.

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