Why the MatriNarc Knows Best
“I love you.”
“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”
“You won’t ever amount to anything.”
“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”
“I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”
“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”
“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”
“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”
“I am proud of you.”
“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”
“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”
“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”
“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”
“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”
“I am trying to help you,you know?”
“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”
“I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”
“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”
“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”
“You were an accident.”
“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”
“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”
“I have decided….”
“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”
“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”
“I had such high hopes for you.”
“You aren’t doing what I want.”
“That never happened.”
“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”
“We never thought you would leave home.”
“You were not meant to move out of my control.”
“We hardly ever see you these days.”
“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”
“You weren’t like this when you were little.”
“You were so much easier to control back then.”
“I don’t love you.”
“I don’t love you. I never have.”
52 thoughts on “Why the MatriNarc Knows Best”
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My friend’s mother’s visit went well. They only had one tiny fight. GUESS WHY?! Because she let her mom ORGANIZE THE ENTIRE HOUSE that she just bought without providing any input.
I burst out laughing when she told me. Give Matrinarc 100% control to keep the peace and change it all when she leaves, but sounds exhausting. Oof.
One of my BFF wondered how she called her mom and went from dreading the conversation to buying her a plane ticket to visit and ruin the holidays. I wish she would implement NC, but it’s difficult I imagine.
I recalled in one interview with HG saying people say they cant go NC with their mother he said you can just take out the name mother and put Narcissist there.
That is the start by dehumanising the individual, to create a shift in your thinking to effect no contact. You can effect no contact with a family member, believing you cannot, is emotional thinking at work.
Yes HG! I was listening to the assistance package today The ET and the Addiction triple package and it really helps to realize what you just wrote.
Good, well done, that material is crucial in terms of achieving freedom.
Yes it is HG! It has helped me tremendously!
She told me someone gave her a copy of the book, “Adult Daughters of Narcissist Mothers” or some such, but I’m thinking I should try harder to get her here.
HG, it was good to read your comment here.
My mother would say
I love you
I have children who I like, as well as love
I’m proud of you
You are fun, smart, loving
I love you so much
I love your dad so much
You are the best children anyone could have
I’m so lucky I have you
I wish my mother was alive. She loved you so much.
I love you both the same.
You are the most important thing to me, in the whole world
And she would read me novels before bed. Like rauld Dall (spelling) or Ann Frank
She’s not a Narcissist, HG. She is Empathetic and Narcissistic both. She’s the feistiest person I’ve ever known.
Big cheers for your mother, Whitney 🍷
Thank you another Cat 💖😻
“This (beating) will continue until you cry.”
“This will continue until you stop crying.”
“You only get 32 stripes because you’re not Jesus.”
“You get 34 stripes because (said offense) deserves it.”
” Look me in the eye!”
“Your brother and sister are so smart… ”
” Your brother and sister are so attractive… ”
” Don’t act slutty because you’re wearing makeup. ”
” SHUT UP!!!”
A few choice ones from my mother. Eggshells always, never knowing what would trigger it. She didn’t talk to us much in between these phrases, never looked at us, unless it was “the look”.
Probably the worst thing was the wedge she drove between us and our dad. She scared us out of building a relationship with him, telling us how terrible he was all the time, how frightening his temper was. There was always a sense that she was jealous, I am the oldest and he loved me most. That was a problem I’ve had to work through in many ways in itself, but especially as it relates to her. As an adult I have gotten to know my dad, he is none of the things she said. He wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her and he didn’t know if many many things going on in our home.
My brother and sister left many years ago. My brother blames my dad for not defending us. My sister at one time suggested snuffing my mother out. She got the worst of things as it began younger and was more frequent. My brother got the hardest beatings though, because he’s a boy. The true sobs came hearing my siblings scream as they were “spanked”. That was the most heartbreaking thing.
I live with my parents now, taking care of my father as he’s dying. Every day with her is a struggle, every sentence is a cloying attempt to suck me into her mind games. Setting boundary after boundary, which I’ve learned here is a futile thing to do. My dad will be gone in the next while, what will happen after is of particular concern to me. I stand to inherit the house as part of the agreement for helping with my dad. But I suspect it will not become mine until she’s gone and if she can figure a way to change the agreement so it is sold and split, she will. I had my own home, paid for and perfect for me, prior to this arrangement. I told her my biggest concern is ending up homeless. I wish I had not told her that.
The one saving grace is that she is very concerned with her facade. She can never let certain people see the truth and so in those places we are “safe”. But not without later repercussions should we make a misstep.
Dear Mr Tudor,
“I never wanted kids” is STILL my mother’s no 1 mantra !
I interpret that to mean, ‘you’ve been nothing but a bloody burden and nuisance all my life’
Correct ?
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
It is to provoke you in the moment to assert control over you and gain fuel by implying that you have been the burden which you describe.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Thank you for your assessment, I really appreciate it
I’ve taught myself to be immune to my mother’s repeatedness
It’s amusing how she watches me when she says it, I remain stoic
It’s ironic how her ‘burden’ is now her carer
It’s also sad to watch the aging narcissist, they just don’t change
Thank you again”for your insight, pity you couldn’t be my ‘handbag’ accessory, I could carry you everywhere with me to analyse people 😂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles, I get ‘If it hadn’t been for me, you wouldn’t have been born, your mum didn’t want any more kids.’ Which is true, she was happy to just have one child, but he had told her he ‘wasn’t just having one kid.’ God only knows why, she was the one who did all the donkey work. It’s not nice, how it all makes you feel, is it x
Dear JB,
It’s been ingrained into me all my life JB
I don’t like it when parents say, ‘if it hadn’t been for me, you wouldn’t have been born ‘ ….superiority control much ! Definitely a narc comment! No, the feeling is not nice at all ! Parents shouldn’t say such hurtful things to their kids, yet they do
Not to be loved from one parent, let alone both parents in my case, has been a very hard mountain to climb, yet here I am, I did it and the view is amazing 😉
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Bubbles, I’m so sorry you weren’t shown love by either of your parents. But you have given me such hope that even in this situation it is possible to reach a state of inner peace and happiness xx
Dear JB,
Thank you lovely one, I’m so glad you feel that, there’s always hope, but there’s also believing in onself enough, that you can and you will
I was ‘determined’ never to let my mother beat me and show her that I’m still standing, even though there was a lot of huffin n puffin up that bloody mountain, steep too 😂
I ended up a better person for it and so will you x
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi Bubbles
I read elsewhere that your son is now engaged but lost that comment to reply to.
I’m sorry to hear that we are in the same leaky boat with a single dixie cup, but now there are four arms and they underestimate us. There is little comfort, but we are quiet and bail together while we watch and wait to rescue.
Thank you Bubbles 😘 xx
@Bubbles
My mum would say “if I could turn back time I wouldn’t have had kids”
Did it hurt me? No, because I agreed!
Sometimes she would say “I don’t regret having kids, you all was my life”
And it’s like “no no mum if you could turn back time don’t have them. Stick to the plan!”
Dearest Witch,
I understand your mum’s first statement after having had them, kids are expensive and a huge responsibility and that’s a fair generalisation, I wouldn’t be offended either
Then she realises the meaning of having had kids from an emotional heartfelt view point
Haha, I like your statement Witch ….I say something similar to my mum “well, if you didn’t want kids, you should not have had sex, if you had sex, he should’ve worn a condom’ 👶
Then she just stares at me ! 🙎
You can’t win !
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
@ Bubbles
My mum is a narc so she doesn’t say it for those reasons… she says it when she remembers that having kids didn’t secure her the bag 💰💰💰 lmao
she says it as a way to try and gain control. But it doesn’t work, at least it didn’t with me.
When she says she doesn’t regret having kids that’s just her way to flatter you and not appear as a “bad mother.” She has a thing about not wanting to look like a “bad mother.”
Dearest Witch,
Don’t you just love it when they say all this nonsense and deep down you know what they really mean
They must keep up their image at all costs !
Pity we can’t choose our own parents Witch
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
@bubbles
Yeah she’s fake.
If she were to meet you she would be like come in, do you want tea?talking taking talking talking talking for England.
When you leave it’s, “I don’t want your friends in my house again.” Lol
We never had parties growing up, only one for my eldest sister when we were very young and that was the first and last.
My girlfriends family have barbecues, birthday parties, Christmas parties everything and now even if I can’t attend people are like “where is she?” There’s narcs in the family too I’m sure but they are a minority and so they make the effort to keep the family as a unit which is very different from my family.
Dearest Witch,
We had parties for all our kids, every year …. something I never had
I remember visiting Mr Bubbles dad …. a lesser narc …. to try and win him over
It didn’t succeed !
I’m so sorry Witch, what you experienced, that was not the norm
I hope you have gained some form of clarity since then, however devastating
Thank you for sharing sweetness 💕
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I recognize all of your quotes HG.
Except, mine never mentioned her own birthday at all. When we asked what she would like to do on the day she said “My birthday doesn’t count”, “don’t mind me”, “nobody cared about this day when I grew up!”,
“care about your daughter instead!” she said in an angry tone to my dad when he gave her flowers/gifts. (MMR type B)
Especially that “Uncle Paul is dying”was very confusing and common. I could come home from school, only first grader, getting the “You’ve heard about Uncle Paul of course? Well you don’t care anyway! !”
Standing there shivering of fear of having hurt mommy, happened several times a week.After a while one got used to sneaking home quietly to not disturb. Then the backlash came where she screamed “Don’t you DARE asking me how my day has been!! ! You only care about your school friends!!! addressing that I had been very quiet, not asking how she was doing. Stuff like this just makes a little child even more introverted.
My mother said all of the above things to me as well (and more!). I moved away to go to university (to get away from the family!) and she made trouble for me. She continued for years. Even later she was still making my life hell, and she never stopped with the manipulations. I vowed to not be anything like her (which she didn’t like!). She passed 20 years ago due to her own demise/health circumstances. Every now and then I can still hear that matrinarc voice in the the back of my head, with that shrill, demeaning tone she would always take with me.
Hmmm, my ET didn’t wake up when I read the list. Very similar statements came from the b**th’s mouth for 30 years. The day before I move around 300 miles away – she’d ‘started’ her crap again. I said (calmly) “I didn’t ask to be born”. Silence. The narc expression ‘What did my daughter say to me?’. She leaves the room to let me sleep. That night I had said things I had never said – to her face. Defending my dad to her. WTF.
Next morning “I don’t know why I do these things” (it was not an apology). I wasn’t discussing it. I found my backbone. She never did any s**t again after that. The damage had been done. She’d always known that from a young age I am stronger and smarter than her, that’s why she did what she did. She was jealous of me. She was not like me. I was not like her.
When I was a young girl, my mother would say “Someday you’ll be just like me!”. Everytime, in my mind, I told myself, “No, I will never be fat and mean.” It used to make me so angry, her assumption that this would happen or that I would want it to.
As an adult, several people have said to me “You are nothing like your mother.” I understand what they mean. And, I take it as a compliment.
I’m so happy you were able to take such a stand. For me it is stand after stand after stand, never ending. I aspire to what you were able to achieve. Being here, knowing it can be done, is helping. Thanks for sharing.
Your’e welcome 🙂
My aunt told me several years ago, that she was glad that I didn’t turn out like my mother. I wonder if my aunt was referring to the alcoholism or “personality”. Coming from my aunt, that was at the time, huge. It means even more, now.
It can be done. I suppose what I said to mother RE: didn’t ask to be born – that would be classed as my version of an ‘Empath’s Grenade’ (have you seen HG’s article ‘The Empath’s Riposte Grenades’?).
I hope you make progress in what you wish to achieve. 🙂
I don’t think I’ve read/watched that one yet, I will check it out this evening. Thanks
Your’e welcome 🙂
Okay, I watched it 5 or 6 times on a row, a lot to remember, but it was so fun, I couldn’t stop laughing!! Really good ideas though!
Yeah, I loved the article when it was posted a few months ago.
A Victor
” “Someday you’ll be just like me!”. Everytime, in my mind, I told myself, “No, I will never be fat and mean.””
This type of mother is utterly exhausting, AV. I’m so sorry about the situation you are in. Do we have same mom?
Dad and I running around nervous and thin, while she was big and often angry, was how I grew up.
I think narcissists grow fat for a whole other reason than the rest of us (food is nice, stress, lack of sleep, lack of time for exercise, lack of money to buy better food, etc)
Narcs eat tonnes to become more and more intimidating, I find. To gain control over the person they live with, blocking hallways while speaking, making intimidating gestures, etc. Always implying “I could crush you”
Weight is a much more conscious choice for the narcissist than for the rest of us, imo.
You did not become like her at all, AV. You seem really kind!
Thank you, Another Cat, for your kind words. In addition to what you mentioned, she once told me her weight was a way to avoid sex with my father. I was maybe 12, so inappropriate. But, it worked for her, he moved out of their bedroom around that time. She was, of course, the one to be pitied since he had left her. Right.
I do try to be kind, she being the only one that I struggle with. I have to keep defenses up at all times with her and it comes out in being short sometimes. I don’t like it at all but haven’t been able to figure out another way to interact that protects me. I am waiting to hear from HG if she is in fact a narcissist and I will possibly do a consult with him at that point. I currently am sharing a home with my parents as my father is very ill and we are co-caretaking him. So, I can’t go no contact but HG said he has other ideas that can possibly help. I try so hard not to show emotion, it is so hard because she knows exactly the buttons to push. And I kick myself every time I fail and get upset where she can see it, I try to get away before my frustration or anger show, I don’t want to give her that fuel. I am afraid also because I get the sense that she’s waiting until my father is gone, which will be sooner than later, thinking that at that point she will again have the ability to assert dominance. I sold my home to move here, she knows I am afraid of being homeless as a result of this situation, there are legal papers, but I don’t trust her at all. It is a mess. But, my father is worth it. I could not put him in a home, nor leave him in her care unattended as he is now.
Anyway, thank you again.
A Victor
Yeah grossly inappropriate that you as a child had to listen to her sexual relationship problems with your dad.
“But, my father is worth it.”
I guess you have a warm kind dad like I did. I feel you. And for my mother, she gained more and more suffering/negative fuel from me when I called them each day.
If anyone can help you I bet that is HG.
“I´m happy that you´re doing fine”
I don´t care, you live far away from me, you don´t give me any more fuel, so, I don´t give a sh….!
“Are you okay? No problems?”
Could there be any chance to control you?
“You will never make it in life”
How dare you going your own way? You´re not doing what I want. I cannot allow that!
“Have you put on weight?”
Hey, you´re an extension of me! So, you better watch that you fit my image of bodily perfection!
“You look great today”
Finally you look like I want it! Don´t forget that you´re an extension of me!
“You´re my daughter and I only want the best for you”
You´re an extension of me and I only want the best for myself.
“Look at Helen! Why can´t you be more like her?”
Damn you! You´re STILL not doing what I want – gotta manipulate you harder!
*just sits and sulks*
How dare you not doing what I want?!!! I HATE YOU!
You r so accurate
HG, I feel extremely angry and hurt reading this. I am sorry to ask you this ,but did your father ever try and have a loving relationship with you even though your mother was very controlling?
To a degree, but he was occupied elsewhere.
So sorry to hear this HG, his focus should have been on you. You deserved so much better .
‘He was occupied elsewhere.’
He who should not have left? Correct or no?
No.
Ok, thanks for confirming HG
What age did you know that the words meant actually not what you heard?
In my teens.
Another good one hg I have heard a couple of these so glad I dont have to hear them anymore
Hi Christopher,
Your avatar made me smile. I feel like that avatar most days!