To Have Not To Hold




You can have our kind but you cannot hold on to us. We will not permit it. We are the archetypal individuals who you can experience, you can love, enjoy, cherish and so many other things but the one thing you may not do is hold on to us.

We allow you to have us because what we give you is constructed and comes at no great cost to us. Instead it allows us to gain. By being generous with our supposed love, passionate with our words, highly desirable with our sexual prowess, charming, flattering and everything else which you associate with our love bombing of you, we want you to have it all. We want you to have all of our charm, our magnetism, our illusion. We want you to drown in it, become engulfed by the blazing lights and soothing sounds, swamped by the seductive desire that we sweep across you like a tsunami. You can have it all because the more we give you, the more likely you will be carried away by this tidal wave of false love. The more sugar we pour over you, the sweeter the golden period and the greater your addiction to us becomes. Naturally,the extent of how much you can have of us is governed by our energy levels and our capacity for control, so that the experience is all the more fuller should you be ensnared by a Mid Ranger than a Lesser and many times more intense should you fall prey to a Greater.

You can have all of our time because it serves our purposes. All of our focus is yours, you get our near undivided attention as we pull out all the stops to seduce and conquer. You can have our financial resources as we spend money on you (even when we may not have the money to spend on you – incurring debt or using someone else’s resources) , take you to places, book interesting days out, tempting nights out and utilise financial muscle, whether ours or borrowed from  bank or devalued victim, in order to let you have the full on magical experience that is being seduced by us.

We will grant you access to our friends, which of course is just allowing the façade to wrap around you and convince you of our bona fides, our supportive and attractive coterie all so giving of their time to you, praising us and welcoming you.

We will allow you to have a route to all of our favourite things, although of course this is manufactured in order to actually allow you to attach to your favourite things as we mirror your likes, your desires and your hopes back at you, but it is still giving of us.

The Somatic and Elite cadres will allow you to have us physically as the weapon of mass seduction that is sex, is rolled out to delight you. You are apparently given access to our most intimate of levels, in a series of steamy and orgasmic encounters as we utilise our well-practised sexual skills in conjunction with the whole orchestrated seduction of you to create an intense and mesmerising experience.

We may move you in, a supposedly generous act as we allow you to have closeness and regular time with us, all engineered of course to maintain our façade of pleasantry and reliability as you are bound closer to us. In some instances we perhaps allow you to have what could be considered the ultimate act of ‘having’ as we give you our seed or our womb for the purposes of the creation of new life.

Yes, by allowing you to have so much of us, we create the image of someone who gives, someone who sacrifices, who thinks of you before we think of ourselves and thus you, understandably, fall for this and truly believe you have us. You do have us but it is for, in the scheme of things, a fleeting instance. A mere moment in vastness of time and for all of its wonder and brilliance, you are allowed to have us but you cannot hold us.

We cannot allow this to happen because we will turn matters around, in order to ensure that our hunger for fuel is addressed, in order to cater for our slavish devotion to the maintenance of superiority and in order to assert our right to do as we please, when we please, how we please and with whom we please.

You cannot hold us. You cannot keep us. We regard ourselves as that omnipotent force that is not beholden to boundaries, constraints and bondage. You have no say over what we do. You are not there to impose your rules on us, keep us in check or prevent us from seeking out what we need in order to maintain our existence. Indeed, the prevention of you keeping us is material in ensuring that the threat of our departure is something that keeps you working hard to please us,to provide that fuel, be it positive or negative and to allow us to keep you just where we want you. We can keep a hold of you of course, that is the nature of the narcissistic covenant, but as usual, what applies to you will not apply to us and vice versa.

We make the decisions. We choose. We execute and operate. We are not there to be bound to one person and especially one which will invariably fail us. We consider ourselves as beyond such things and therefore the notions of faithfulness, fidelity and monogamy are cast out as evicted tenants from the House of Narc.

We want you to try to hold on to us, that is part of our game playing. We want you to strive to keep us, to exert your every waking moment to clinging on to us but it can never happen. We are programmed to reject that desire to keep us as you want us to be. There is no hope for it to happen, but we will give you that false hope, through the respite periods and the periodic resumption of the golden period. You are led to believe that you have managed to keep us, that you can continue to have us and to hold us, but it will not last and it cannot last because the concept of being beholden to you and just you will ultimately run contrary to our needs and as you are well-acquainted with the idea now, our needs must always come first.

We decide when we come back, we decide when the false love is shown to you again, we decide when you get to see us, get to speak to us and receive our attention, seduction, fury or disdain. We must behave this way to shore up our idea of being the one who calls the shots, who makes the decisions and pulls the strings because we dare not contemplate for too long what would happen if we allowed you to take hold of matters.

We will always let you have us, but you will never be allowed to hold us.

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10 thoughts on “To Have Not To Hold

  1. LG says:

    This is very true. As a shelved DLS, the MRN who ensnared me really did give me so much… he made me tell him all the things that happened to me when i was little, that i never told anyone else ever, for literally decades i kept that all buried, and he showed me how none of that was my fault, and showed me i can be loved. And because of him, I am healed from an 11 year ordeal, ages 3-14. How could that man be anything to me other than a gift from God? I can’t be with him, of course, because he is a narc, physically abusive, and with many other women and that is not ok with me. So i have implemented no contact, and i will never allow myself to be in his physical presence again. But to give credit where credit is due, he really did change my life and freed me from being an unfeeling zombie. I will never see him again, but he has some great qualities and i am afraid i will love him forever and think of him every day for the rest of my life. He has some bad qualities, but narc’s are not monsters and i will never think of him as evil or monstrous. I thank God he was in my life, he is not a terrible, evil man… he just needs a lot of fuel and i as one person am not enough to provide it. But i am so glad i knew him. He was so worth knowing.

    As Mr. Tudor writes, i could have him but i could not hold him.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Did the narc ever use that information (your 11 year ordeal) against you or throw it in your at a later date?

      1. LG says:

        No, but after (what i now know) was denying him control over me, he made a suggestion for a time away together where something inside me set off massive warning bells that he was going to recreate the worst of it to retraumatize me. I did not go away on that weekend… knowing what i know now from coming to this site and learning, i believe had i gone with him, that’s exactly what he would have done. The fuel he would have obtained would have really been something. I believe what he intended for evil, God used for my good. That is why i am in no contact… but my emotional thinking is now my enemy… i keep trying to come up with ways to give him fuel without getting dragged back in (impossible of course) but his blocked text messages are sounding more and more desperate, like he is in a fuel crisis. But it’s probably just another manipulation… i am sure he has lots of appliances in his fuel matrix. I never mattered to him anyway, as a DLS i was nothing to him. Well, fuel. But that’s it.

  2. Lucija says:

    But you are not omnipotent. You don’t have that kind of power, you don’t control even your own actions/reactions, you don’t decide when to come back, when I get to see you or speek to you.
    Your unsatisfied needs do. Or, as it is called by some,need for fuel. Or the Creature. One might even call it immature and childish egocentrism, maladaptive and inadequate personality.
    You are not omnipotent and we both know it, you are just a child interupted in development.
    But you do have some good traits and I sure hope you’ll find peace someday.
    Not addressed to HG off course!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good job you added that last sentence!!

  3. leelasfuelstinks says:

    Surprise, surprise, guess what? It´s ALL about themselves, not about you as the victim! It´s all about the prime aims, not about love, empathy or genuine intimacy. It´s about FUEL FUEL FUEL and even more FUEL. It´s ALL about how you, the victim, makes THEM feel good. They don´t want YOU, they want your attention, admiration, anger, fear, tears. The narc is Mr. or Mrs. It-is-all-about-ME ME ME! 😉

  4. A Victor says:

    The double standard in the narcissist mind is unbelievable.

  5. December Infinity says:

    Of course. To have the narcissist, but not really. It is only an illusion.

  6. Asp Emp says:

    re-reading the thread 3 months ago…. laughing…. the heydoka…. LOL

  7. Pamela says:

    I totally agree.

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