Narcissist : We See You As An Object
Objectification is a key trait of the narcissist. This article examines how the narcissist sees you as an object.
You want to be someone to my kind and me.
That will not happen.
You are a something to us, not a someone.
I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.
Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.
Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.
Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which I require of you.
You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.
You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.
I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.
Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?
You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.
If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To the narcissist that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.
Your objectification makes it far easier for the narcissist to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for the narcissist, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when the narcissist deems it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.
This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are the narcissist´s most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.
The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. The narcissist always says hello and receives a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.
In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, the narcissist will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.
The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.
Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because the narcissist lacks empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.
This objectification manifests not just in how the narcissist will parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation
“Just do it.”
“Do what I want.”
“Get on with it.”
“Stop disobeying me.”
“You will do it or else.”
There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?
You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.
Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?
46 thoughts on “Narcissist : We See You As An Object”
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Hi HG,
Thank you for continuing to offer insightful information on NPD. It is much appreciated.
Regarding objectification, it seems that the objectification of others is preceded by the objectification of self.
Other than in deep sleep, the narcissist seems to have turned away from subjective experience altogether and seems to be focused exclusively on experiencing himself through the gaze of others, that is, as an object in the eyes of others. Without anyone looking, there is no reflection, no object and so the narcissist believes that without such reflection he will cease to be. He seeks the external gaze to experience himself as an object again and again in the eyes of others as a way of confirming his existence. It is like looking in the mirror incessantly to confirm you are alive and mistaking yourself for the image in the mirror. It is understandable than, for a narcissist, attention seeking, fuel gathering as self-objectification, is a matter of life and death.
We can never loose ourselves as the subject of experience because that is ultimately who we are but it is fascinating that the narcissist is so preoccupied with self-objectification, he seems to have completely forgotten about himself as the subject of experience and truly believes himself to be the reflection in the external gaze. With the IPPS as the mirror in chief to reflect him back to himself as an object. That is why others are as mirrors an extension of the narcissist. Agitating the mirror to animate the reflection is the abuse experienced by the empath.
HG, have you ever investigated the aspect of yourself that does not depend on the attention of others? Have you ever investigated the subjective part of yourself that does not cease to exist without the confirmation of the external gaze? For instance, when you sleep, that which you refer to when you say “I” does not disappear but is perfectly fine and at peace in the absence of attention from others. That “I” is who you are, factually. The reflection in the eyes of others is simply an image, much like one’s reflection in a mirror, its presence or absents does not impact who we are. That is why we do not end up dead when we go to sleep and when there is no reflection or image. I know that is what narcissists fear about sleep but based on experience that fear is unfounded or sleep would have already been fatal to you long ago.
I was wondering, perhaps there are moments in the waking state when you do know yourself as a subject? For instance when in nature, even if it is very briefly, do you experience the beauty of a landscape for its own sake, without immediately linking it to fuel gathering? Or perhaps there is an artwork or piece of music that particularly speaks to you and you can sometimes experience its beauty, for however fleeting a moment, for its own sake? Those would be instances of the focus shifting away from the preoccupation with the reflection and remembering yourself as the subject of experience who is innately free from the need for external confirmation. Or is your focus so thoroughly fixed on the reflection in the external gaze, that you link everything to fuel gathering and do not experience yourself, not even for a moment, as the subject of experience, except in sleep?
Emma
“The old one has no idea that the new one is on the horizon.” Nooooo! This makes me so sad.
I know–SP. I am such a refrigerator player. The new one is way cooler.
Haha they are not my type, I like ovens better, I don’t like cold dudes.
You don’t like frigids then? (say that out loud) 😂😂
No way! I love spicy hot!
Me too…. sshh don’t tell anyone 😉😂😂
Yes it will be our secret. Haha
Ovens are pretty hot. But microwaves offer a great quickie.
LOLOL I hadn’t considered the microwave 😂😂 might be a big for me 😂😂
Haha Bibi not really they fool you looking look hot but then they’re still cold inside!
SP: LOL and very true!
I ordered a new fridge but it has yet to arrive due to covid restrictions. Occasionally, I check on its whereabouts. I have been using the old one in the interim. It has been good and loyal but it is just getting old. This new model offers more. The old one has no idea that the new one is on the horizon. I will have to pay $30 for them to take the old one away once the new one arrives. I figure it will be quick and easy. I don’t want a lot of drama. I am focused on the new fridge.
Well, they certainly make you feel like you are the best TV in the world with the greatest panoramic views … until they discover IMAX, and you are history. Video killed the radio star for the narc.
Hahaha. Video killed the radio star 😂
This aspect of narcissism makes me feel sick. I told a friend about it last night, thinking I would have to explain, and she responded “a thing to use!”. She understood so easily, it surprised me. I think it was hard for me to understand because I reject the idea that humans use each other, even as I know intellectually that we do. Thinking of the narc behavior in this way is a double-edged sword. It hurts to think we’re used but also makes it easier at the end to leave them behind. It is particularly painful to think of my mother viewing us this way but it makes a lot of things fall into place at the same time.
Fair enough, I am a TV (not 78 inch because that would make my ass look big).
I have pin-sharp crikey vision with an infinite number of options designed to deliver endless years of satisfaction and entertainment. Sleek and impressive with outstanding output and consistently upgraded so that I am always on the cutting edge. Your mouth waters at the prospect of of possessing me, of taking me home to fiddle with and of all the things you will be able to see through me. As you reach for your wallet you note that there is no remote and no owner’s manual is available for this model…
That is because I am a Tudor TV. I am not for sale and you will never own me. All you can do is stand on the other side of the glass and…
WATCH ME
Excellent.
Does the Tudor TV play in HD or HG?
Yuk yuk.
Ha ha very good.
To the dungeon!
Just feed me rice chips and hummus.
Oh no, you shall dine on nettles and drain water!
Nettles, HG, is this after you have finished using them?
Ouch! Every time I read nettles my nipples hurt.
Ah bloody hell… is this a repeat of the ‘hot’ stuff we convo’d on some time ago? 😂 I have since, made some chili – my version, of course. I don’t follow the fkg rules (ie recipes). 😂😂
OMG YESSS! Why do we always end up telling about this haha? Hey I made my own badge of cayenne pepper yesterday! Good for you and your chili!
It’s pretty hot stuff… 😂😂 wait… WTF are we discussing….. 😂😂😂😂
Déjà vu!
😂😂😂
WAT????
Has the piped-in Celine Dion started yet?
You’d be the first to know if it does! 😉
Celine here re: my singing in the dungeon.
It’s All Coming Back to Me Now that I’m Alive. River Deep Mountain High, The Power of Love and My Heart Will Go On (and on and on) Because You Loved Me.
More succinctly: Oui.
Until Tudor gets home. Then:
I Surrender. All By Myself.
Free ear worms for all courtesy of Violetta (big fan) for bringing it up.
Oh God–Celine Dion. Her songs remind me of sitting in a dentist’s office waiting to be drilled in the mouth–and not in a good way.
Bibi
Re: drilled in the mouth and not in a good way.
If you were on the receiving end of your lines instead of spitting them out you’d never be sad (as you noted recently). You often make me laugh and I appreciate your humour.
Aw, thank you NA. That makes me feel so good. I am now beaming with fuel.
I am happy today b/c it is Friday and holidays (aka more time off work) are coming up. Much better mood as result.
Who is that asshole Mid Range coworker to say I am boring and don’t have any humor?
(I just don’t share any of it with him b/c fuck that guy.)
Can you imagine how annoying the Celine Dion Spotify channel must be? They likely play Michael Bolton too. I think of white women with short hair–not Karens, but upper middle class empathic suburban types in their mid to late 60s who like Live, Laugh, Love attire.
My 3 fave Spotify channels (for music):
Ella Fitzgerald channel–when I die play this. I mostly listen on Sundays. To say I love it is an understatement. (Also plays Nat King Cole, Nina Simone, Etta James, Dean Martin, etc.)
Jim Croce–my Saturday channel (listening now)
Sam Cooke–I often listen to him on Mondays b/c I hate Mondays and he soothes me.
Love Gordon Lightfoot and Harry Nilsson. I went a couple of years where all I listened to was these guys.
Last night I saw another hilarious YT comment on a Debbie Gibson video. (How I got to this Debbie Gibson video ahem I will not address so never mind that) but this woman wrote in all CAPS:
I AM A 55 YEAR OLD WOMAN AND I LOVE DEBBIE GIBSON!!!
I about spit my drink out. When I say that YT is humanity’s dumping ground–humanity’s toilet, humanity’s landfill–it really is. But sometimes you land some gems as that.
LOLOLOLOL
Question is does she “Shake Your Love”?
Ok, so I went to her Wiki page and read this: “Dion first met René Angélil, her future husband and manager, in 1980, when she was 12 and he was 38,”
One word: Ew.
OMG HG you know Debbie Gibson!!! LOL! Do you know that is what I used to listen to at my 11 year old slumber parties? We would listen to Debbie Gibson and then watch Nightmare on Elm Street part 3.
Ah, the vanilla habits of 1980s American tweens.
Pop fact, fact fans! Debbie Gibson was amongst a trio of US female solo artists to have number one hits in the United Kingdom, one after the other. Tiffany and Belinda Carlisle were the other two. This was the first that had ever happened. Up next, travel news with Colin Poppleshed.
Bibi
“They likely play Michael Bolton too.”
😆You made my weekend. Thanks!
First time I heard Celine I was in a shopping mall, hate muzaks, I hardly even noticed, maybe a shrug
“aha… a cover of I Will Always Love You by someone with a less strong voice than Whitney, ok”
Dearest Bibi,
Touché 😂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dearest NarcAngel,
Bloody brilliant and absolutely priceless !
Thank you 😂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Now I have to get the bar code removed and unplug LOL
Absolutely. We are “categorised”. Just numbers & letters in a narcissist’s contact book…. with “score marks” and listed in two columns that are updated every few minutes by the narcissist (two lists = “good” or “bad”). Not a bad method actually, I should make my own & mark scores too! 😂