Narcissist Versus Shelf IPSS
The following is a breakdown of an interaction between a Middle Mid-Range Narcissist and a Geyser Standard Empath. The two are in a Formal Relationship of Narcissist and Shelf IPSS (“SIPSS”), which those not benefiting from such knowledge would see as a married person who is having an affair with someone who is The Other Woman/Man.
- The narcissist and the SIPSS have spent the weekend together away in a coastal city. Therefore the SIPSS is off the shelf for the extent of the duration. She is painted white. The narcissist received positive fuel of a very good potency (SIPSS), massive quantity (in person, sexual interaction) and constantly (together all weekend).
2. The weekend ends and they leave the coastal city together. SIPSS off shelf and painted white.
3. The two part company and return to their respective homes. The SIPSS is now ON the shelf. This is not devaluation. The SIPSS remains painted white.
4. The following day, SIPSS sends a text to the narcissist
“It was great spending the weekend with you. I can’t wait until we do it again.”
This is pure positive fuel. Very good potency, one off frequency, very low quantity as short and in writing.
There is no response for an hour. The narcissist responds with
“It was great. Yes, we will do it again soon. I have a busy week ahead, so I will text you later on. Missing you.”
The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She remains painted white. This was a comfort crumb from the narcissist. It was pleasant, it maintains the engagement but signals to the SIPSS that she should not expect to hear from the narcissist often.
5. The following day there is no contact between the two. This is not a Silent Treatment, the SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
6. The day after, the narcissist is reminded of the weekend. The SIPSS has entered his sixth sphere of influence. This is a Hoover Trigger. His Intimate Partner Primary Source has gone out for the evening unexpectedly. She in devaluation. Her departure has wounded the narcissist, he sends her an unpleasant text to provoke her in order to gain fuel. He requires fuel to address the wound, he can easily contact the SIPSS by text, social media or telephone, she has no partner, she has not wounded him, she provides excellent fuel and therefore the Hoover Bar is very low and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The narcissist telephones SIPSS. She has been taken off the shelf. They speak, fuel is provided, he berates his wife to the SIPSS (triangulation) and speak for about an hour. The call ends. The SIPSS goes back on the shelf and remains painted white.
7. There is no contact between the two of them for three days.
8. The SIPSS sends a text message early in the morning to the narcissist
“How are you? Just wanted to let you know I am missing you.”
Positive fuel. Very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is an instant response from the narcissist by text
“I miss you too.”
The SIPSS sends a further text.
“I cannot wait until we can see one another again.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS remains on the shelf. She is painted white. The narcissist has not given a silent treatment but the lack of response is purely symptomatic of being on the shelf.
9. The following day the SIPSS texts the narcissist again early in the morning
“Hi, are you okay?”
Positive fuel, very good potency one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response. The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and this is not a silent treatment.
10. She waits thirty minutes and texts again
“Please will you answer me, I hate not hearing from you.”
Positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
Ten minutes later the narcissist replies by text
“I was in the shower. Busy day ahead. Will text later.”
This is a comfort crumb. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
11. There has been no contact between the two and it is now 5pm. The SIPSS texts again
“I really find it hard not hearing from you.”
This is positive fuel, very good potency, one-off frequency, very low amount.
There is no response from the narcissist. The SIPSS is on the shelf and painted white.
12. She waits ten minutes and texts again
“I thought you said you were going to text me later? This hurts.”
This is now Challenge Fuel. Her admission of hurt is negative fuel (albeit a very small amount as it is contained in a text) – however she is seeking to hold the narcissist to something he stated. The narcissist is NOT wounded by this, but regards this as a challenge to his superiority because the SIPSS is trying to make him feel accountable and this feels like his control is being eroded.
13. The narcissist replies with a text two minutes later
“I told you I had a busy day ahead, I am in a meeting.”
He is providing an explanation and asserting his superiority by looking to close the matter. He has not been provocative and is not seeking fuel from the SIPSS.
14. The SIPSS answers immediately
“Sorry, I didn’t know. When will you text me, or will you give me a call?”
This is Challenge Fuel again. The apology is a very small amount of positive fuel, the request for a call is mildly Challenging BUT aggregates with the earlier text message. The narcissist has not been able to assert the superiority to the extent required.
He texts back immediately
“No idea. V busy. Cannot talk now.”
He is not seeking fuel (he will be well fuelled whatever he is doing – maybe in the meeting or if not in a meeting in some other interaction) but needs to assert superiority and is seeking to close the challenge down. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and remains painted white
15. The SIPPS does not relent. She texts back straight away :-
” Will it be tonight? I want to talk to you, I always enjoy our chats. I hate not hearing from you.”
Again positive Challenge Fuel.
There is no response from the narcissist. His lack of response is designed to assert superiority by halting the conversation and thus the challenge from the SIPSS. The SIPSS remains on the shelf and painted white.
16. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will it be tonight? I want us to talk, please.”
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
17. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Just yes or no, that’s all, I miss you.”
Positive Challenge Fuel.
No response from the narcissist. Same point as above applies.
18. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Will you answer me? It will only take you a second. Don’t ignore me.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. The irritation is fuel and the request to answer, prescriptive statement on the time taken and command not to ignore are the challenges.
No response from the narcissist. Same point applies.
19. The SIPSS texts again :-
“Answer me. This is not fair. Stop ignoring me. You had better answer me or I will call you at home on the landline.”
Negative Challenge Fuel. Annoyance plus criticism and threat.
20. The narcissist responds
“I said I am BUSY. Stop texting me. I said I would text you later but you cannot leave it can you? You dare ring my house. If you do, that’s it, it’s over. You’ve pissed me off.”
The narcissist is irritated by the SIPSS failure to accede to his superiority. She is not wounding because fuel is being provided.
The SIPSS repeated failure to stop texting and be patient now means she is painted black. She has failed to accept the narcissist’s superiority. She has not been compliant. The narcissist will now ignore her texts completely. She is being given a Corrective Devaluation which is an absent silent treatment.
21. The upset SIPSS fires off ten more texts. She makes no threats but insults the narcissist and complains about him being unfair and uncaring. These are either pure fuel or challenge fuel. The narcissist does not respond. The SIPSS realises there will be no response so she stops texting. She does not call the home landline.
The narcissist, in accordance with the Corrective Devaluation does not contact the SIPSS at all that night.
The SIPSS is on the shelf, painted black and subject to a Corrective Devaluation.
22. The next day the SIPSS sends a text at midday
“I am really sorry I pestered you yesterday, I know you work hard, it is only because I wanted to hear from you. I won’t do it again. I adore you and I will just wait to hear from you.”
This is pure positive fuel. The narcissist on reading this instinctively recognises that his superiority has been accepted again by the climbdown. The text is a Hoover Trigger. The narcissist sees this climbdown and views the SIPSS as white again. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met and he telephones the SIPSS. The conversation only last 5 minutes but he assures the SIPSS that they will speak tonight.
The SIPSS is still on the shelf, painted white and the Corrective Devaluation has ended.
23. The narcissist recalls his promise to call. This is a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria are met (he recalls excellent fuel from the SIPSS, she is easy to contact, she has not wounded, there are no obstacles) and thus he does indeed telephone her and they speak for two hours that evening whilst the IPPS is out at the rifle range. For this telephone call the SIPSS is off the shelf, painted white. Positive fuel is provided during the conversation. It is of very good quality as coming from an SIPSS, the frequency is constant for the duration of the call and it is of moderate quantity since it is a telephone call.
Once the call ends, the SIPSS is back on the shelf and painted white.
24. Around midnight with the IPPS sound asleep and the narcissist in his bolthole, he recalls the telephone call (hoover trigger) and again the Hoover Execution Criteria are met ( similar to points above at 23) so he sends a text to the SIPSS. She replies immediately. They text back and forth for an hour. During this exchange the SIPSS is off the shelf and painted white. Positive fuel is provided. It is of very good quality, very frequent and low quantity because it is in writing. The narcissist is in-between engaging with another SIPSS online through social media and thus has two fuel lines open at this point.
When the texting ends, the SIPSS is placed back on the shelf and is painted white. The narcissist engages still with the other SIPSS and does so through Skype engaging in some mutual masturbation. Once that has concluded, the call ends and that SIPSS goes on the shelf also.
Accordingly, this short series of interactions provides the pattern of behaviours, clarifies how the appliance is regarded, how a Corrective Devaluation works, shows the shift from white to black to white, the fuel gathered, the type of interaction occurring and also the entwinement with other appliances also.
Are you a Shelf Appliance? A Mistress? The Other Man? The Side Piece? The Not Exclusive Dating Status? The Want More But He Will Not Commit Situation?
However it may manifest, nobody else addresses the shelf dynamic for victims of our kind, but I do and these are two logic bulletins which will give you understanding, focus and clarity.
Shelf Life : Deciphering What is Going On
9 thoughts on “Narcissist Versus Shelf IPSS”
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HG, somewhat unrelated but I received this comment today on my FB. I know you’re always saying to avoid social media predators but this dude tagged me/responded to one of my comments on the Claude Monet FB fanpage:
“Wow, you are really beautiful, dear, if you don’t mind adding me to your friends list so that we can chat better to find out more about yourself🙏🙏🙏🙏🌹🌹🌹”
LOL. It sounds like he typed his native language into Google Translate and hit ‘Translate to English’. His profile seems to be somatic stock images–some guy in a suit exiting an expensive car, and he appears to be messaging random women he finds on FB. What a sad sack.
Should I friend him??? LOLOLOL I had a good chuckle. Poor guy.
Undoubtedly pretentious and best avoided.
The aftermath following a food fight with 20 bags of flour…..
The shelf dynamic is fascinating and your work on this is so insightful, HG.
My daughter was describing to me the romantic relationship of a friend of hers and I was immediately able to tell her the friend was involved with a narcissist and she was his dirty little secret. She has never met his family or friends and he has never met hers. He will not be seen with her in public and takes her away on weekends to remote places. I assume the only other time they meet is at hers. He has told her he is separated from his wife, but due to cultural issues and a property portfolio they share says he will not currently divorce her. He says he lives with his sister, but as they have never met that would seem hard to ascertain. This relationship has now been going on for 3 years. And she only has eyes for him. One wonders what it will take for her to see the light. She is given to being drawn to men who treat her badly. It is easy to see from the outside, but also hard to watch.
Your last line summed it up so well lickem. Easy to see but hard to watch. I used to always hate it when I saw women being used by men in this way. Now I know what they are actually dealing with it’s even harder although I have learned to accept it and be there to pick up the pieces and support them. But If I can get in there early on before they have their hooks in, I will. Although the window for this opportunity is minuscule.
Yes, it’s hard to know when the opportunity might present itself and that window could close very quickly. As this is my daughter’s friend, she would need to be the one to make her aware and no doubt the whole friendship group is shaking their heads. Three years is a long time to be hanging on in that situation with not much promise of any return, but that’s how the narcissist gets us. She would have to tire of the breadcrumbing first, and any future faking, and being young she’s not likely to see time ticking away quite as quickly. It will hit her hard when it finally does hit her and I’m sure her friends will be there for her. That might be the opportune time, as it has been for most of us, to educate and enlighten her. The guy isn’t even that good looking from what I’ve seen (a rare photograph), but he’s obviously got something going for him from her perspective. And maybe it’s her own innate vulnerabilities that have drawn her to him. If she is the DLS, I’d have to imagine he has others in his fuel matrix, too, which she would obviously know nothing about. And that’s the thing. She probably thinks she is the only one he is seeing, but keeping her hidden the way he does means that is highly unlikely. And there’s a good chance he is still living with his wife, excusing himself to take her away by saying he is on a business trip. I’m sure that wouldn’t be too hard. He made her delete her IG account, which is another reason I’ve got him pegged as a narc.
I’d been told about him before, but now all the pieces are fitting together. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
AS2016 ❤️
He will change. He will find another IPSS or something will take his attention away enough that his behavior will change a bit too much and she begins to question things. I tiny pin of light cracks the dream. How she goes about ending it, I cannot say. We’re all different, but I was a DLS and reality hit me when his behavior changed just enough. Just enough.
Thank you BC30. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but your words are encouraging today. It helps to know when the cracks might begin to show which is when that window of opportunity Alexis is talking about will open. She will have good friends around her if/when it does happen <3