The Devastation of the Illusion



You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You only ever love the person you thought I was.

13 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion

  1. A Victor says:

    The narc I knew this last summer once said that women always believe him to be something he is not. He had that right. These kinds of comments are ones that are confusing now, making it seem more intentional than it is, like he knows what he is. I am 99% certain he is not a greater. Did he figure this our from feedback from the women? Why else would he say this, lowering expectations perhaps? It seemed odd at the time even.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pity Play or Provocation issued by his narcissism. He does not genuinely believe he is something that he is not, he is telling you that this is what other people say about him in order for you to feel sorry for him or alternatively to provoke you in some way, precisely what it is would require more information, but on the basis that he is a narcissist, this is a manipulation. He is not showing any awareness.

      1. A Victor says:

        Ok, interesting. He said it like he thought that’s what I was doing, it was like a warning. I guess I’m going to be doing a NDC for him too, to satisfy my curiosity, and for learning. Thank you.

  2. mollyb5 says:

    Hg, Your accuracy doesn’t amaze me at all are a Narc and know what you think and …You are really just exposing reality to people who are in a fantasy. HG it’s how you write that is wonderfully entertaining.

    What’s sad and also frustrating is how unquestioning and totally enthralled people can be with a fake ,( flattery) when they are in need or want .

    1. HG Tudor says:


    2. Alexissmith2016 says:

      It’s so true molly. Pre knowledge I thought I could recognise fake flattery. In truth I only recognised about 25% of it.

      But Ns don’t seem to mind too much, flattery is flattery.

      I remember when my N was trying to seduce me and at this point in time I still thought he was a fuckinf weirdo! I wasn’t attracted to his looks or personality. Doh! Anyway, he would send texts telling me how gorgeous I was etc I’m pretty average but I’ll take the comp – N style hahah okay so he would text me all these nice things and then say, are you going to tell me that I’m gorgeous or whatever he wanted to hear that say. In my head i was thinking no, I’m fuckinf not lol. But somehow my fingers typed the words. Later on he text to say how good his day has been because of xyz and I’d said he was gorgeous. What the fuck. He continued like this until eventually I would say it without prompting because it made him so happy.

      I do not get that not in the slightest. We all like compliments and if I’ve cooked a nice meal or achieved something academically or made myself look nice, yes please, I’d love a compliment. But if I’ve just given you a rice cake, don’t pretend like it’s a steak dinner.

      1. mollyb5 says:

        Alexissmith2016 , well I can understand when it’s a young person , I have children. Positive reinforcement is very powerful..such as compliments.
        Young people are so vulnerable. I’m mostly referring to older people.
        Everyone can be won over with kind words when we are young . It’s really scary.

      2. WhoCares says:


        “But if I’ve just given you a rice cake, don’t pretend like it’s a steak dinner.”

        “He continued like this until eventually I would say it without prompting because it made him so happy.”

        I think in this instance it may have been more about the act of control than the actual flattery – given your distaste of making the comment, yet you did so anyway – that’s where he got his little thrill.

  3. December Infinity says:

    There was only an illusion, followed by a void of nothingness. An abyss. I am better off on my own.

  4. Summer says:

    “This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath” Mr Tudors accuracy continuously amazes me. Im spread far too thin to check n as I want but sure appreciate getting a dose of logic medicine in as regularly as possible. Hugs to all on this site

  5. Robin says:

    Everything you posted is spot on until the feeling the love that wouldn’t go away for him, as soon as I found out what he really was that somehow,thank the good Lord disappeared, All I felt for a while was the total stupidity that I couldn’t see him for what he truly was And with a little more time that disappeared.

  6. Asp Emp says:

    Re-reading last time I commented on this – referring to MRN “He broke me. I hate what he did to me.” – I’m not ‘broken’ any more. I don’t think about him – not blocked from my mid – he’s just gone…..

    1. Eternity says:

      Same here Asp Emp. I dont think about him at all! Life goes on we dont need them!

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.