From the obvious and well-used to the corruptions and bastardisation of your first name through to the downright bizarre, pet names are a standard feature of relationships. Parents may have a nickname or pet name for their child, we use nicknames for our friends but most often they are used in the context of an intimate relationship. Their use is to denote endearment and to highlight something special and unique (although using babe is not going to win awards in that category) between that person and their significant other. When used in the context of a non-narcissistic relationship they are relatively harmless, perhaps hinting at something which teases and might be mildly embarrassing (e.g. calling someone glow worm because they go red and become embarrassed easily) but generally they are used as a fond and kind epitaph. That situation becomes corrupted and entirely different in our hands. We regularly use pet names for our primary sources, but our motives for doing so are not about being genuinely endearing but for a host of more nefarious reasons.
- It is done to appear endearing to you so that you think you are special to us. You merit being given a pet name and therefore you are led to think that we naturally care and love you since we have taken this step. This is done because it is a standard step in many intimate relationships and all we are doing is mimicking that for the purposes of making you think that the relationship between you and us is wonderful, special and marvellous.
- You are our possession. By giving you a label in this manner we are branding you and stamping on you that you belong to us. It enables us to exert control over you.
- We objectify all of our appliances and by giving you a pet name we are reinforcing that. We may call you “angel” but in our minds you are just an angel, one of hundreds no thousands out there. In the way that those who find themselves in a perilous situation might use their name with an aggressor of kidnapper in order to humanise themselves and the other person, we utilise pet names to dehumanise you. It is our stand point that you are an object to us and it is far easier to control and abuse an object.
- We use the same pet names for many of our appliances. There will be differences when for example the pet name plays on your name, so if you are called, Rebecca, we may call you Beccipops, but if it is a pet name which is nothing to do with your actual name or a distinct attribute of yours then you should be aware that several primary sources before you all got the same name and the ones that comes after you will as well.
- By using a pet name and keeping it the same for all our primary sources we minimise the risk of calling you, accidentally, by the wrong name and bringing about questioning and a challenge. Thus, if we call you “Sugarbumps” and we are having an affair, the other person will also be called “Sugarbumps”. If you were ever granted access to a narcissist’s phone, do not be surprised to see Sugarbumps1 and Sugarbumps2 in the directory.
- As with many things narc, what we grant we then take away in order to upset you and exert control over you. Thus if we always referred to you as “Hot stuff” you can expect that come devaluation you would be referred to by your actual name instead of there may even be a corruption of the pet name, for instance calling you “Cold stuff” instead. This is done to make you react and feel hurt by this change in the affectionate pet name.
- In some instances, the pet name may actually seem like a compliment to you but actually has a hidden meaning to our kind and whilst you smile when you hear this name being used, we are actually laughing at you on the inside because you do not realise that you are being insulted. One example might be by jokingly referring to you as the boss. Thus in front of you and our coterie we may say,
“Thanks for asking, I will have to run it by the boss.”
You smile at this affectionate deference to your authority oblivious to the fact that my coterie and I know is means Best Of Seven Sluts, being a reference to how we regard you sexually.
- In some cases, we forget who you actually are (because we regard you as an object) but if we call all objects “Munchkin” then we can fall back on that and refer to you by this name without appearing stupid for forgetting what you are called.
- We may invent new and different pet names which are insulting, disrespectful and unpleasant when we embark on our devaluation of you. We may call you The Rash because you keep appearing everywhere when we do not want to see you. We may call you The Pirate because you have small breasts, e.g. a sunken chest. We may label you as The Thorn because you are a pain in our side or we may just go for It as regular readers will know from my treatment of Lesley.
- We will also insist that you use a pet name for us but we will choose it. Nobody normal chooses their nickname and then tells people to use it. Nicknames and pet names evolve from characteristics witnessed by those around the recipient of the name. The fact that we appear and tell you to call us “Goldenballs” is evidence of our sense of entitlement and grandiosity.
The use of a pet name by our kind is never to be regarded as pleasant and complimentary. It is a device for demeaning you, upsetting you and exerting our control over you, in the same way that one keeps a pet animal, that is how you are regarded as we keep you in one of our gilded cages.
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24 thoughts on “Pet”
Lesser didn’t use a “pet” name – probably too busy removing the bits of tarmac from his knuckles……
MRN did. He stopped ‘using’ it a number of months before I lost my temper – big style.
Reading this article & learning about narcissism… no wonder I became the person I was never ‘meant’ to become.
No collar is going around my neck, nor will the collar be attached to a lead………. I will retain my ‘power’ as an individual….
“My” narcs gave me “cute” animal-names, which indeed sound cute but as you look a bit closer you notice that they are totally belittling and reflect perfectly what I was to them.
Mine called me Twiggy, didn’t really change it too much from that, Twigs occasionally.
He would draw silly stick man pictures just before we were going to sleep. His stick man was really big. Took up three quarters of the bed. Mine was little and squished on the end of the bed. Ha ha. Looking at it now you could maybe read all sorts in to that. I just found it funny at the time. I honestly think some manipulations would just glance off me. I’m so used to laughing at myself I wouldn’t necessarily notice someone have a dig at me. Nay luck mate ha ha.
Sounds like he was making you insignificant in comparison to him, TS. Or making himself seem more powerful. Bigger. Which in his mind he was. I still draw stick figures 😛 I’m shit at art/drawing.
Mine called me GG. Short for Georgie Girl. It was a play on how we eventually connected.
I found a lot of connotations to play off that in the long run.
I much preferred when he called me “sweetheart”.
Mine called me baby girl.
I have a dog named GG. Gentle Giant. She’s a Great Pyrenees.
Awww … your doggy sounds lovely NJF <3
I might as well have been a dog to him in the long run!
And 'baby girl' could be quite endearing if you didn't know he was probably using it on a few other 'baby girl's' at the same time. Same goes for 'sweetheart'. How easy would it be for that one to roll off the tongue? And yet, somehow, the fact it rolled off his tongue towards me meant the world. Of course, I was assuming I was his one and only sweetheart. Multiple that by God knows how many and it suddenly loses whatever significance it had. Damn.
Yes, I’m thankful his little nickname actually didn’t mean that much to me. Sorry you were hurt by it.
My ex called me baby girl. I hated that.
Ha ha! I didn’t care either way.
I called him by his name only. Rarely do I use pet names for people. Sometimes only nicknames.
Hi NarcAngel, Thank you for your response. I was trying to ask my question in relation to learning more about how the addiction works and in learning, perhaps finding new things we can do to combat it. But I didn’t clarify that very well. I do plan to consult with HG at some point but have to get a clear list of things to discuss before doing so. Every day or two a good question pops into my mind, I need to start writing them down. But, many times they are answered on the blog here or in some material he has written.
Have to say, I liked my nickname too. I don’t think I’ve had a proper nickname before. Babe occasionally that’s about it pre narc. Annoying that the first time I get an original nickname it’s from a narc!
It’s the fact you think they’ve chosen it especially for you, TS, and likely not a name you would choose for yourself. They make you feel special that way. I’m sure they know. It’s a shame it’s manufactured, and not really a term of endearment except for the purposes of manipulation.
Definitely annoying that the first time you got an original one it was from a narc. Same here. This one was creative in a way the one I was married to wasn’t.
Interesting too when I consider how and when he used it. I do not recall him using my name even once. Granted, much interaction was online, but even on the few occasions we were together, he never ever used my name. I actually told him that towards the end as well. I didn’t describe myself as an appliance but I did point out that he viewed me as ‘words on a page’.
I did actually reference manipulations indirectly without understanding what they related to. I highlighted, ‘disappearances’ ‘ silent treatment’ ‘ ‘projection’ ‘illogical thinking’. I never called him liar but would say ‘ no, that simply did not happen’. I have said before, I was so very close to working him out myself. I was researching depression in men, BPD ( I outright asked him if he was bipolar). I really tried to get to the bottom of it. In the end, the researching of behaviours, coupled with the realisation that I was an empath led me here.
I do find it frustrating in some ways that I didn’t actually put a name to it for myself. (hurt pride there) I was right on it but really had never learned about narcissism before. It just wasn’t a term I would reach for. This enforces in me the need for HG’s work to reach far more people. I wasn’t ever in danger. Others are.
I influenced him into taking a Myers Briggs test too. We took it at exactly the same time. He said he wanted to see the screenshot of my result. He told me he was ESTJ. I came out as INFJ. This bugged him I think. He told me I fooled the test! Projection. As soon as he said that I thought ‘You fooled the test yourself’. Again, I was right on him but couldn’t quite grasp exactly who I was dealing with. Thinking about it, it’s no great surprise that he would withdraw from me at times. I realise now I was calling him out on certain behaviours and wasn’t backing down.
The positive is that once I started reading HG’s material and once I had the narc detector result I was quickly able to draw lines between what I had spotted for myself and what HG was describing, so there was no doubt. Given my reluctance to trust, it’s quite possible I would have been one to disregard the Narc Detector result. Fortunately I was able to quickly prove its accuracy for myself. I’d now tell anyone else, don’t doubt the result of the NDE, it will be accurate. I’m just hard work when I come to think of it but plain stubbornness might have kept me safe more than I realise. I still sting over things but I’m starting to at least be a bit more philosophical about things. Most of the time, not all.
Mine and I both used eachother’s names, pet names and terms of endearment. It varied and, of course, depended on the level of intimacy at any given time. It was easy in some ways to gauge where things were at based on that alone. I see what you mean about the narc not using your name and that tying in to his narcissistic thinking. It is a red flag, but not knowing about narcissism you’re not likely to pick up on it. Though it’s obvious you had a strong gut instinct to what was happening.
Ultimately that’s what had you asking questions, and what kept you safe in the long run. It’s a painful transition to make – from not knowing to knowing. But far less painful than staying in the fog of that relationship. And no doubt your stubborn streak served you well, TS. There appears to be a natural resistance which meant he was never going to be able to pull the wool over your eyes completely.
I challenged my narc on many occasions. Unfortunately the type of empath I am led me to falling for his manipulations time and time again. I would think I had him in a corner and somehow he’d manage to turn that around to put me in a corner instead. As we know now that is par for the course. Slippery snake!
It was a friend who began to highlight the issue of narcissism to me due to a relationship we’d had with a mutual ‘friend’. This other girl reminded me of my mother, but I wasn’t sure why. I eventually cut off the relationship. When my friend was subsequently targeted she began the long road to discovery, sharing her newfound knowledge with me. LOL to the fact I then went on to share some of this with the narc … I still will never get over that, but if I take HGs work into account, he’s still oblivious to the fact he is a narcissist!
I also came out as an INFJ on the Myers-Briggs <3 I had no idea what to expect when I took it, but there you have it. The narc also took it and I can't remember what he was now, but I remember comparing our types when it was done. Still trying to work him out and what was going on!
Ah, he had me every which way but loose, and when I finally did work him out my heart was broken. I wish it had been different. But, look where it's led me and how much there is still to look forward to knowing what we know now xox
We are wired similarly. It’s very possible I would have fared worse had there been normal face to face time spent. Difficult to say, I might have reacted quicker if the devaluation was face to face. I count myself lucky that I never got to find out. Ultimately we are both out, likely with different after affects due to the differing nature of ensnarement.
I’m really curious as to the addiction. I agree we have it. It feels like an addiction and you treat it like an addiction for the most part. Normals don’t have it, empathic normals don’t have it but empaths do. If you look at traits, it can’t be linked to narcissistic traits only empathic. Once you cross a threshold then of empathy you have the addiction. Not all of us carry all ten empathic traits. So it can’t be down to a specific trait, different ones missing in different empaths. So, it’s down to combined strength of empathic traits then. Does it then follow that in the case of the TDC, the higher percentage of empathic traits the worse the addiction? Addiction is addiction though. Can’t be half alcoholic. So, the threshold is crossed and we are all in the same boat?
How then does it factor in in terms of recovery? Certain empaths struggle to reduce ET in comparison with others. Traits link into school and cadre. So does it then follow that higher percentage strength of empathic traits results in slower recovery? Or, is it empathic relative to narcissistic traits in terms of recovery? There is always a reason for things. There’s a threshold for addiction linked to empathy otherwise empathic individuals would have the addiction also. There must also be a trait combination that fares better or worse in terms of recovery. If we knew what these were, then whilst we can’t change the trait make up, we might at least cut ourselves a little slack in terms of recovery frustration. You are in the red team, your recovery takes an estimated 12-18 months for example. You are in the blue team, you won a watch 6-12 months estimated recovery. There are bound to be variables to throw precise measurement but there will also be trends.
HG, we need an ERC. Empath Recovery Consultation. You can guinea pig LET if you want ha ha. Guess who will be refusing the Covid Vaccine ! No way I’m taking that thing.
Hi TS x
I see you are digging really deep in terms of traits and what that means for our addiction and our recovery. I think it could be assumed all empaths are at risk for addiction to the narcissist, and possible ensnarement, but we also need to factor in the particular type of narcissist. It will be like a key fitting into a lock. Having said that I’ve probably attracted a variety,but it was the Mid Rangers who got me for the most part! I’d link that to my mother. So there’s an element of the mystery solved for me.
I scored almost equally on both my narc and empathic traits in every area. I don’t know if that’s unusual, but going by that it would be hard to determine any outstanding factor there. Pride was my slightly higher trait when it comes to narc traits, so I can see that having an influence in terms of how I reacted and what I have used in terms of my recovery. Justice and Truthseeker were slightly higher in my empathic traits so both have helped me here in terms of finding answers and aiding my recovery, too.
My need for justice and truth, plus my pride equals a combination that could present a challenge to the narc. So they might be saving elements when it comes to my addiction. Though, not being overly high in percentage, and having a co-dependent nature, I’m always going to be an ‘addict’ to the narc’s manipulations. That’s probably the main thing to keep in mind.
I see I’m being offered up for sacrifice to test out the theory 😛 It’s like being laid on the altar to the gods. Victim or Volunteer (ha!) Who are the people that offer themselves up to be tested for the vaccine? Brave men and women. The idea seems to be to give it to the most vulnerable and healthcare workers initially until they can produce enough doses. We’re in trouble if there’s a problem with it if that’s the case! But it makes sense if the vaccine is approved. I’m not an anti-vaxxer, but I am concerned where there is an element of politics involved. Most vaccines don’t have this level of politics attached to them. I get a flu shot most years, but I never had the flu prior to getting the shot. As a preventative measure it makes sense.
I also had an idea for a new type of consult, btw. HG offers the narc seduction lines and tests our response 🙂 How many would get an instant fail 😛
Laughing…. for ages…. “HG offers the narc seduction lines and tests our response 🙂 How many would get an instant fail 😛” – In all honestly, I don’t think it really has anything to do with “narc seduction lines” if you have actually learned enough by now, LET (and you too, TS! 😉 ) – maybe it’s to do with PT…… laughing….. if it were based on what LET suggests – we would ALL fail…. laughing….
The summer narc gave me 3 nicknames, one was a food item, one was shared with his ex and one was not human but the cutest of the 3. I heard him use my real name twice in 3 months, and one of those was in conjunction with his ex’s name. I found all of that so odd.
Truthseeker, I have wondered some of the same things you have mentioned, about the addiction aspect. I have no doubt that addiction is the correct term, for me at least. I just knew nothing of it until much later than many. I had so many hormones flooding my system, I lost 14 pounds in 3 months, not even trying! But, I could also tell when the hormones stopped, some time prior to me ending it. I think about the time he said he would feed a faulty wife to an alligator, not an end I enjoyed picturing for myself. And, I knew I would fail him, people always fail each other, it’s part of our humanity. But with the vitriol he had toward his ex’s, I figured there wouldn’t be much room for error. So, the hormones dropped off and I ended it a couple of weeks later.
That said, it has left me wondering about the empath threshold, the traits, the percentages etc. I did have the EDC and the TDC done early on, very interesting, and I really hope that HG, or someone he employs to do it, will look into some of the questions and thoughts you pose. We can’t get rid of the addiction, but, we can change our behavior, what can we do to assist ourselves with that?
I think that part of it also rests on the fact that our specific makeup draws a specific type of narcissist more than others and that dynamic will be unique to each couple and influence that additive facet.
I am INTP, I always thought I was very logical, have always struggled with emotions, still do. But, being here has helped me face them and realize that though many things are logical for me, when it come to a narcissist, it all goes out the window.
Laughing at, “being offered up for sacrifice”. I was chuckling to myself when I suggested that. Agree, different empaths drawn to different narcs. I’ve been listening to the YouTube videos and Upper Mid Range would be an absolute no chance. Can’t deal with haughty, would drive me insane. Similarly different narcs go for different empaths. So I can understand the reasoning there.
It’s the part about what actually causes the addiction. I understand what it is about the narc that draws us but similarly I want to know exactly why we have the addiction in the first place. How it develops, why it’s there. Because it does in fact feel like an addiction. I’ve wondered about the addiction itself from the get go. I had a very straightforward childhood. Nothing sticks out. Sure it had ups and downs but where did the addiction creep in other than through empathic traits?
Yes, the narc chat up line susceptibility test. Depends on the person delivering the line I think but it would be interesting to see what we would go for. I’ve wondered about stress testing too. Throw me into a circular conversation or put me in conversation and see what manipulations I spot. That might be useful. Honestly though, I’d like to know how to wound, and properly. Just in case I need it going forward. I think I have it, but I’d like to test it. ‘Wounding Workshop’ ‘Manipulation Madness’. Just don’t call it a test or I’m largely screwed ha ha.
I read in the comments section on YouTube someone said that INFJ are covert narcs. I can see the thinking behind that. I think most of us here would test similarly on Myers Briggs. Considering some large corporations and the fire service use it as part of their management development you would think it would be constructed better. I think narcs could easily manipulate the results. Empaths wouldn’t because we all want to know what we are! Maybe guilt isn’t the killer after all, maybe it’s the honesty. Funny when you think about it.
“We can’t get rid of the addiction, but, we can change our behavior, what can we do to assist ourselves with that?”
You can consult with HG to assist with that.
“Honestly though, I’d like to know how to wound, and properly. Just in case I need it going forward.”
The Logic Bulletin: Finally Understanding Wounding assists by providing the reactions of the different Schools to the same situation.
Can’t say fairer than that. Dare to fail me and it’s the Alligator for you. “Awww, not the snake pit?” I joke, but it’s a good thing he came out with that and you saw him for what he was.
Yes, I do like the fact that HG tells us which type of narcissist would be drawn to us most. It does give the opportunity to look at that and figure out why. The fact is though, if we were empathic or a normal, we wouldn’t have the addiction. So whilst we might be ensnared we wouldn’t stick around. I think Truthseeker, love devotee and healer are the real culprit traits, others feeding in to that in varying degrees. Behaviours that make us stay, seek out the good, try to make sense of everything.
They still don’t adequately describe the addiction itself though. The origin of it. You describe attributing ET to hormones with the physical response of losing weight. I agree with you there. ET feels like a chemical change to me too .It feels very similar to depression. ( I had mild post natal depression after my second child) The inability to think straight. That cloudy fatigue, the lost time drifting in thought. That might just be me, but ET can shoot up very high very quickly, so what is going on exactly? Cross pollution affects us too. These are strong reactions that occur within logical bright people. Addiction it definitely is, why? how?
You could argue, does it matter? Just accept it’s there. I’m not good with that. I want to understand it. I think if we really drill down into what it is and why it’s there then recovery wise we can work on more specific aspects relevant to the trait make up of the empath. I don’t underestimate the amount of data HG has. I also have great faith in that brain of his. 😉
Yes I have the logic bulletin, that’s where I gained my understanding, plus there are also some great articles related to wounding. I understand the concept and the reasoning behind it. I’d like to have a go though. A test run. I can bring down the shutters, I very rarely shout or lose control if it’s related to myself. Bets are off if I’m in defence of someone else.
It’s something I’d like to be sure I could do effectively, safely ( aware of the Lesser reaction) and for my own defence. I believe it can be used as defence in the right situation. I’m not about causing hurt or seeking revenge. I am about standing up for myself if I need to.
Hahaha, “why not the snake pit”! Yeah, and then he’d send me news stories of people being mauled by alligators in his area, he thought that was hysterical. Jerk.
I’m with you on the wanting to know more to help with specifics. And your view of HG’s data and his brain.