To Control is to Cope : Narcissism and Its Creation
To deal with and to address the vagaries of life, human beings have developed coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms vary in terms of the extent of their use, their impact on the user, the impact on others and the frequency of their deployment. Some coping mechanisms are regarded as ‘healthy’ and others as ‘unhealthy’ and some may be a hybrid of the two, dependent on the extent and duration of usage.
Distancing is a coping mechanism. You may distance yourself from a situation and people, but prolonged and extensive distancing may lead to isolation with the associated problems which such isolation can bring. Short-term distancing can allow recovery, re-charging and avoidance of an ongoing harmful situation. Longer-term distancing which is targeted on one or more chief proponents of harm can lead to near complete removal from toxic and harmful influences. No contact of course is a coping mechanism which incorporates distancing as a central tenet of it and is the most effective coping mechanism to apply with regard to your recovery from ensnarement with our kind.
Crying is another coping mechanism. The release of tension, held-grief, feelings of misery often evaporate as a consequence of somebody crying. You may be told ‘have a good cry, you will feel better’ and indeed many people have testified to the beneficial impact of doing so and thus crying achieves release and often acts as a signal to invite comfort from others. It is a coping mechanism deployed by people to deal with a stressful, worrying or hurtful situation.
Self-harming is a further form of coping. The distraction caused by the painful response of cutting (cutting being just one form of self-harming) enables an individual to relieve the pain of certain other feelings, it achieves a release, a distraction and also enables that individual to exert control in circumstances where they feel unable to exert control (or to the extent that would make them feel comfortable). Self-harming whilst a coping mechanism is regarded as a negative form of a coping mechanism.
Expression of feelings. Being able to ‘talk it out’ and ‘air your feelings’ is a coping mechanism also. The ability to talk to someone else who will just listen, even if they offer nothing in response or even just to talk to yourself about how you are feeling (be it generally or in relation to something specific) enables people to experience a sense of release, a lightening of a particular load and it often brings clarity in terms of understanding themselves and finding a way forward.
There are many coping mechanisms that humans deploy – some are conscious and others occur unconsciously.
Narcissism is one such coping mechanism and it is a powerful and invariably hugely effective, although its effectiveness does depend on the school of the narcissist and which particular outcome one is having regard to. The outcome of our narcissism is something that I shall address in a separate article.
Narcissism must maintain the construct (the false self) and imprison the creature (the true self). Collectively this is the Self-Defence of the Narcissist. This Self-Defence is achieved through the The Prime Aims(fuel, character traits and residual benefits).
Central to this Self-Defence and the achievement of The Prime Aims is control. The narcissist must at all times have control of his or her environment and the people within that environment which of course includes you. Whether you are a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a colleague, a relative or a romantic partner. Whether you are a neighbour, a date, sister or brother, that man from the corner store or fiancée – you come within the fuel matrix of the narcissist and you have to be subjected to the control of the narcissist.
This control has to be exerted second by second of each and every day. Every passing moment must be owned and governed by the narcissist. We must exert control all around us, this has to be complete and total as if the very clouds were tethered by us. Why is that?
Because once upon a time the narcissist did not have control.
That lack of control meant the narcissist felt powerless, weak, vulnerable and exposed.
The combination of a genetic predisposition and the imposition of this lack of control created narcissism as the coping mechanism. These two ingredients combined and gave ‘birth’ to narcissism as a means of coping with the world, with the lack of control that the world causes for individuals. Many people have no issue with this lack of control, others have alternative coping mechanisms and then there is us – the narcissists. Around one in six of the human population of this planet became narcissists in order to cope with this loss of control.
Narcissism allows the imposition of control through manipulation. The imposition of control allows us to achieve the Prime Aims. The achievement of the Prime Aims allows our Self-Defence and thus we survive and we thrive.
Narcissism is a coping mechanism.
People believe that abuse is theingredient in the formation of a narcissist. It is an ingredient, yes, but there are two ingredients in the formation of our kind. The first ingredient is the genetic predisposition, if you will this is the fertile soil which provides the basis for the narcissism to grow and flourish. The second ingredient is the lack of control (of which abuse is part of that lack of control) and this is the ‘seed’ which is placed in the fertile soil of the genetic predisposition and thus narcissism ‘grows’ as the coping mechanism. For some, the soil is there but no seed ever arrives and thus no narcissist. For others, there is no soil but there is the seed, but again with one essential ingredient missing, there can be no narcissism.
Genetic predisposition plus lack of control (at a formative stage of life) equals narcissist.
What does this lack of control (at a formative stage of life – i.e. childhood) look like?
- Abuse. Whether it is physical, emotional, sexual or psychological, any form of abuse towards us amounts to a lack of control. We could not defend ourselves against the abuse and therefore this is a lack of control, over ourselves and over those who meted out abusive harm towards us. The abuse is an act of commission – we were beaten, molested sexually, told we were useless, insulted etc.
- Isolated. Whether this was being locked in a cupboard under the stairs, prevented from playing with other children, kept apart from other family members, not allowed to participate in group activities of any nature, given silent treatments and treated as if we did not exist, isolating and ostracising us in some form again constituted a lack of control. We were not able to control our own interactions, someone else did this for us and to our detriment. We were controlled by another and thus lacked control.
- Neglect. Whilst there may not have been abusive acts of commission , there are abusive acts of omission. Therefore we were not given a safe environment, we were not taught effectively (be it about ‘facts’, relationships, behaviour, responsibility), we were not emotionally supported, we were not fed, clothed or protected, we were not shielded from an abuser of commission and/or we could roam where we wanted. Once again we were denied control over ourselves because we were not provided with the assets, resources and tools to achieve effective control over our lives and this neglect (lack of control) exposed us to hurt, pain, disease, injury, loneliness and/or acts of abuse through commission.
- The Golden Child. Everything we did was lauded and praised. It was invariably held up as a glowing and shining example of brilliance, even when it was not or the praise was excessive for a valid achievement. This meant we lacked control in the sense of earning achievements in a valid fashion. We had greatness thrust upon us without being ready for it, without having earned it and without appreciating it. Everything came to us too easily and this also amounted to a lack of control. We had no control over the outcome from our endeavours, we felt no compulsion to achieve and apply endeavour because whatever we did (bad, mediocre or good) was met with accolade, praise and the lavishing of ‘how brilliant’. We were denied the ability to control our own destiny.
- Shifting Sands. Where we experienced Shifting Sands we had a lack of control because the environment around us at that formative stage lacked constancy. One day the sun shone and the next day, even though everything else appeared to stay the same to us, there was a thunderstorm. On Monday our painting was declared to be ‘Rembrandt in the making’ (a la Golden Child) and by Friday our painting ‘was the work of a moron wielding a potato for a paintbrush’. The application of black and white thinking by the aggressor created an uncertain environment, one of push and pull, idealisation and devaluation and we had no control whatsoever on which version was going to appear to us. There was a lack of control in our lives through uncertainty, unpredictability and those shifting sands.
- B Graders. ‘It’s good but not good enough.’ ‘You can do far better.’ ‘You are not trying hard enough.’ ‘You are letting yourself down but moreover you are letting me down.’ These phrases and those similar to it encapsulate the loss of control felt by those who are ‘The B Graders’. Each time the hill was climbed and the summit anticipated, another hill suddenly appeared. The effort was okay, decent enough, acceptable but never that which met with approval. Keep going, learn more, be faster, swim stronger, climb higher, shine brighter. There was no control because we were never allowed a moment to settle, to cherish that which had been achieved and to reflect. We could not establish our own parameters of achievement and satisfaction but instead we were always beholden to the standards of another which ultimate proved to be unobtainable standards and thus we had no control.
- The Facsimile. We were shaped to be precisely like the aggressor. Sometimes this was entirely at the behest of the aggressor and sometimes we saw how this individual behaved and decided ‘I want that power also’ (usually unconsciously but sometimes, such as was the case for me – consciously). Whilst you may think a conscious decision to copy the aggressor and thus seize power was a form of control, it was not – this was actually a product of the already establishing narcissism and thus a symptom rather than a cause. Where the aggressor caused us to be moulded just like them – forming our opinions, our views, our behaviours, our likes and dislikes, what we wore, what we ate, where we went, what we did and in some instances alongside this there was an unconscious decision to mimic and copy those behaviours and characteristics, we were once again denied control.
Thus, whether we came from an impoverished background, a gilded background, a seemingly run-of-the-mill background, any of those environments had the potential to cause a lack of control in our lives. Take this lack of control and add it to the genetic predisposition and thus our coping mechanism of narcissism was given birth to.
Narcissism became our way of coping with the world.
Narcissism allowed us to exert control.
A lack of control equates to a lack of power.
A lack of control equates to being vulnerable.
A lack of control equates to being weak.
A lack of control equates to being worthless, meaningless and unimportant.
When we lack control, we start to fade and will no longer exist.
A lack of control now returns us to the lack of control then.
This must never happen for too long and thus we were formed from this lack of control adding to our genetic predisposition and in order to survive and thrive we must never, ever lack control for if this persists, well, then, it ends.
We must have absolute control. And that means absolute control over you, him, her, them but most of all YOU.
43 thoughts on “To Control is to Cope : Narcissism and Its Creation”
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HG, in relation to WWII – is there a possibility of a large increase of narcissism in the population as a result of the war? And thus leading to more narcissists by those having had children (effectively the children becoming ACONs / narcissists)? I am guessing that this cannot actually be answered because the ‘system’ would have “labelled” it something else?
Difficult to answer statistically, but as a general proposition there will have been more children placed in lack of control environments owing to the way (mass evacuation, loss of parents, neglect, depravation, exposure to the effects of combat (bombing, seeing dead and injured people, wrecked homes), disruption to food supplies, education, health provision etc. This could also have had an impact with regard to genetics also. The study surrounding the Dutch Winter Hunger is very interesting and one wonders whether there might have been a similar impact with regard to the relevant genes linked to narcissism and empathy.
Hell HG, thank you for your response. You have explained it very well and I am glad that it is on this blog – for the world to see and get a better insight as to what happens to people in events like world wars etc. Thank you, HG.
Sorry, HG. It should say ‘hello’, not ‘hell’….. forgive me for not checking!! My claws are too long…… (laughing).
Haha, AspEmp, I actually thought that was kind of amusing when you said it 😉
Laughing…… thank you for saying so. Pity I can’t ‘write’ it off as a moment of genius…. laughing
Hahaha, I thought it was very bold of you Asp Emp, and quite humorous! 🤣
Laughing…… it was a genuine mistake, and I did actually apologise. to HG. I am glad you found it humourous – me too when I realised (laughing)
Sensei H.G. can´t wait for your article about how a Super Empath is created! Oh, I´m so curious! 😉
really? The Narc is gonna write about someone who is not his kind? blasphemy!
I’m curious too….. I’m watching this space…..
I’m really looking forward to this also!
“Because once upon a time the narcissist did not have control. That lack of control meant the narcissist felt powerless, weak, vulnerable and exposed”
All of my life, I did not have control myself, because I had a narcissist parent, narcissist intimate relationships until I came to this site. The narcissists I knew in my past will remain in my past.
I have now regained my inner strength. Retained my sense of humour. Re-discovered my empathy. Empowered with my new-found knowledge about narcissism. Gained understanding about myself as an individual.
The future of my life will be different and it won’t be narcissist ‘free’ because they are people too. I may have to work with narcissists. I may form new friendships with narcissists. Now that I have understanding to be able to retain the person I am today. I will continue to learn to ’empower’ myself more.
Great to read this article again as a ‘refresher’ (and a reminder of where I had ‘been’ all my life until a few months ago).
“I did not have control myself, because I had a narcissist parent,”
Same here, sister 🙁 … (_____) have a warm hug!
Had also narc-relationships, two intimate, one non-intimate, two narcs at work: one boss and one co-worker who very probably was also psychopathic.
Yes, they are also people and it´s not their fault that they are narcissists. We can just avoid them as good as we can or fight back!!
Good to see you saying “Yes, they are also people and it´s not their fault that they are narcissists” – just like people who have a disability, it’s not their fault. Yet, society appear (to me anyway) to still be in the ‘mind-frame’ of the 1950s. It’s like “oh, we can’t discuss that, it’s a taboo subject, or it’s not normal” – those are the people that do deserve a place in society.
Sometimes we have to take a thousand steps back before society catches up in order to educate them the realities of life. So, if that means we have to prepare to education children of the future as to what narcissism is – effectively, maybe possibly reducing the affects of narcissism on future generations. The world is evolving but being held back by society that are too slow on the uptake.
I recently heard from my aunt after 5 months (moving house etc) and she had been very concerned about me – I had told her what I felt / thought etc. I joined KTN 2 weeks after I last hear form aunt – when I replied to her recently – I did not mention narcissism. It was only mother (her sister) and I thought there is no point in telling anyone in my family – upsetting them etc. I did tell her that I ‘recovered’ by reading stuff online (truth). My aunt was upset 7 years ago when we both talked about the past, she knew her sister was alcoholic but didn’t realise the depth of the violence towards me & my sister. My aunt & I were close when I was young until mother drank too much so my aunt stopped staying with us & my relationship with her was “ruined” for the next 20 years. I think she felt guilty for not knowing and with that in mind, I am still “covering up” for my fkg mother by not mentioning anything about my learning about narcissism. Yet, I refuse to carry that as a “weight” around my neck……
They behave terribly, horribly but eventually: When I apply logic, I see people who have a very serious mental illness (DSM-5, ICD-10) from the medical point of view. Indeed it´s not their fault.
“They behave terribly, horribly but eventually” – me too (laughing) when I am provoked by unnecessary sh*t from someone or “system”……
You say “a very serious mental illness” – did you know that a severe trauma as a child has the capability to cause a part of the brain to ‘shut down’? This resulted in a young lady being not able to see out of her left eye – she had loads of tests (infections, etc) looking into why just the one eye suddenly ‘stops’ seeing – she was healthy. She was informed by a specialist – her treatment would be a form of therapy to get to the root of her lack of ’emotional’ responses / issues. Because she did not show emotional responses (ie relief) to being given good news about the tests to rule out other or more serious health conditions. Her mother was with her – again, no ’emotional’ responses (ie ah, brilliant, my daughter is ok). It was very interesting to watch…… because when it came to the brain’s responses to viewing things on the screen – each eye done at a time with an eye patch….. then (the camera is filming close to her face – eye patch on RIGHT eye) and the tester (person) goes to turn the lights on….. there is very brief but I saw it and this is the reason why the camera was close to her face – her LEFT eye blinked…… eh? Head scratching? Maybe not……. narcissism was NOT mentioned.
Empaths MAY appear on DSM-5, one day….
Oh yes, of course severe trauma causes parts of the brain to shut down or to malfunction. Do you think I came out without damage by growing up with PatriNarc? The push-and-pull, black and white, today this, tomorrow that, today daddys princess, tomorrow the biggest bastard, damaged my limbic system. I have a mood disorder but fortunately very well managed with a drug, therapy, diet, sports, lifestlye management and meditation. As I already mentioned: I am one of the lucky ones.
And being an Empath is no disorder! It is something good and something to be proud of. 🙂
“limbic system” – something new I have learned – so I will do a bit of reading on that one. I never had medication – refused to take any in recent years (I knew meds were not the answer). Empath not being a ‘disorder’ does not mean they can’t appear on some personality trait “list” somewhere (ie DSM-5)……
Yes, I have wondered why it’s classified as a personality disorder, it definitely appears as more of a mental illness. But, I am but a layperson with regard to these things and I suppose they have their reasons.
Watch this space….. as far as I am concerned, it is not personality disorder – differences, maybe. It’s a different language…… medical and science have NO clue….. but we do, eventually
It´s a personality disorder from the Cluster B. 🙂
Because it causes changed in the whole personality and affects every or most aspects of the daily life and personal traits. People with NPD function differently in every aspect. Some of them can be a threat to other people and to themselves. Cluster B personality disorders belong to the most severe and serious mental conditions!!!
and I have no idea what causes all my typos today! Aw! No post from me without at least one typo. Aaaaaw!
Leelasfuelstinks, thank you for that explanation. It sounds like personality disorder falls under mental illness, or at least cluster B. I’m going to do a little research, this is very interesting, and it makes a lot of sense!
Leelasfuelstinks, thank you so much for the explanation of personality disorder, Cluster B, how it affects people etc. That is so helpful and makes so many pieces of the puzzle fall into place for me. Huge piece, thank you!
To clarify, I was talking about narcissism being a personality disorder, not empaths being mentally ill. I suppose narcissists would prefer that however, scary thought.
I understood! 🙂
“All of my life, I did not have control myself, because I had a narcissist parent…” Exactly, what about us?
Glad to read the rest of your comment, it is empowering to have knowledge. It makes the future less scary. Empath’s Unite! 🙂
Yes, to a CERTAIN degree @Empaths Unite….. see my comment on ‘The Hateful Eight Of Hearing’…… we will keep providing our shared experiences and contribute to HG’s overall ‘Legacy’ because some twat from so called “medical or science professionals” will read the whole blog and see it for what we see it as it is now…… continue to be ‘entertained’…… we are part of it 😉
Yes, and then see the sense in getting it widely known in the world. I hope HG beats him to it.
LOL….. who is “him”?!?! There is no other, but HG. The Ultra. HG is God.
I have years of psychotherapy behind me (mood disorder, total lack of self-esteem), no psychotherapist could help me. My self-esteem was zero zero. …and then along came a narcissistc psychopath and wonderful mentor named “H.G. Tudor”! A couple of consultations and: There! I´m proud of who and what I am! H.G. saved my sanity!
You’ve had years of therapy and was not “helped”? Goes to show that the psychotherapist needs to go back to school….. yes, HG has helped you to get where you are today & that is a good thing – so that you can help others.
H.G. is the BEST MENTOR we can ever have! And I would love to send him chocolate!
True.
That is kind of you, but I will take the dollop of fuel instead. You eat the chocolate.
Oh no, I knew that was not clear enough. The dr/scientist that will read the blog someday. For entertainment. Until they realize it’s marketable and there’s a lot of consistency. It could be a her though too, I realized as I pushed ‘Post Comment’.
“The dr/scientist that will read the blog someday. For entertainment” – they had better read the blog to actually learn about narcissism – ‘victims’ can read it for the same purposes and also for entertainment too
Wow Leelasfuelstinks, what an awesome testimonial to HG’s work! Thank you for sharing that! His work has certainly been beneficial to me these past couple of months also. May I ask how long you’ve been here?
I’ll have the chocolate Leela
I was curious as to empathic creation as well. At age 4 I experienced lower body paralysis for a year. My parents had all medical intervention possible & nothing amiss was found. I recovered spontaneously overnight. As an adult it returned in 1 leg. Multiple doctors diagnosted it as psychosomatic. I concur. I wondered if I were forged similar to a narcissist. A large degree of what I feel from others occurs n my right leg as well as trunk (which btw is the precise location of the 10 years of chronic pain I experienced when with my UMR husband) I don’t see that it matters much, just interesting.
Your a good person
Wow. Thanks, I really appreciate that 🙂