How to Handle a Parental Narcissist
How To Handle A Parental Narcissist
Introductory Weekend Discount – Should be $ 149.99 available for ONLY $ 99.99
Are you the Adult Child of a Narcissist (“ACON”)? If so, you will have lived with the effects of this for all of your life.
– In need of protecting your relationship from the impact of the Parental Narcissist?
– Do you have children who are being adversely affected by your Parental Narcissist?
– Family being torn apart by the behaviour of the Parental Narcissist?
– Do you dread family get togethers because of the behaviour of the Parental Narcissist?
– Want to put an end to the interference of the Parental Narcissist in your life?
If so, this brand new Assistance Package from HG Tudor is absolutely essential to address the above and more.
Receive over 2.5 hours of incisive and effective material through HG Tudor´s unrivalled expertise and final understand how to handle the Parental Narcissist. This material includes:-
Learning precisely what you are dealing with
What you should have had but did not and why
The central principle of Loss of Privilege of Title and its application
What does the Parental Narcissist want from you?
What is your role to the Parental Narcissist?
Can you have a meaningful relationship with the Parental Narcissist?
How does the Parental Narcissist manipulate?
Common ways your are misled into being manipulated and abused by the Parental Narcissist and why this happens.
How to protect your own family from the Parental Narcissist
The steps you can take to handle the Parental Narcissist and how to implement them through the TNC Regime
The steps you can take (and the associated risks) to handle the Parental Narcissist through the ANC Regime
Practical steps to implement and how they affect the narcissist
How to address collateral issues arising with regard to the non narcissist other parent
How to address pressure brought by members of the family coterie
How the Parental Narcissist retaliates to the TNC and ANC Regimes
How to deal with matters involving disputes concerning the Parental Narcissist and issues such as social care, inheritance, property, financial matters amongst others.
Plus much more constructive material.
This is crucial information and help for anybody who has a Parental Narcissist. Obtain it at the limited time reduced cost.
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I had narcissist mother. Father was not narcissist. He wanted me to get into the boarding school that I got into (the doctor he spoke to at the time was in 1976 – 2 years before he died). Now, I wonder if he made that ‘decision’ partly because he wanted me to ‘be safe’ and away from mother? I will never know the answer to that question. Yet, I wonder if my going away to boarding school ‘saved’ me from developing into a narcissist and yet I was not ‘saved’ from the years of abuse I endured.
I also realise that I have not ‘opened my doors’ to my heart in full (or emotions) due to the fact that I am afraid of getting ‘hurt’ again. I did with MRN & Lesser (and past narcissists) – so I suppose in some way, my “abuse” adds on top of previous ‘abuse’ – it is layers of the s**t that I have had to ‘discard’ of, bit by bit – during the 6 months I have been on KTN site. I realise I will never be 100% free of the abuse endured, but I can (and have done to a large degree) reduce the ET and increase the LT. However, from time to time, the leaning I have done does get “undone” to a degree – it can be triggered by something small and I tend to withdraw back into myself – just like a hermit crab, at the first sign of “danger”.
I hadn’t heard from a cousin for years and recently, I get an xmas card from her with “I now have an address for you”, I mean WTF. She’s at the other end of the country. Why now? What has changed?
I am not confused about my thinking or feeling. Just wary.
Asp Emp, your hermit crab description is very fitting for what I experience as well. Hoping this gets easier with time and more learning.
AV, great that the description helped. It does get easier AV, yet sometimes I go’ off the rails’ which is typical of my personality – the covid ‘mess’ is really adding to it. You have learned & understood a lot, AV.
Asp Emp, both my parents were narcissists. I know what you mean about not opening up your doors to your heart. I feel the exact same way. My doors have been shut for years. I grew accustomed to it. My husband is a narcissist as well. Then I met workplace narc (I’m surrounded by them) and I opened the door. Well, I’m sure you know what happened next. I fell for him hard and then he threw me off the cliff. Workplace narc is what brought me here and how I learned that I’ve been in toxic relationships my whole entire life. Now, I don’t want to let anyone new in. I use the analogy of staying safe under my rock. Its one of the reasons I don’t leave my husband. He’s the devil I know. Plus I’m afraid that I will trust someone again that I shouldn’t trust. Wary doesn’t seem to cover how suspicious I am of everyone around me. I’ve also come to realize very recently, that one of my dearest friends, is toxic as well. I’m almost positive she’s a narcissist as well.
Hi Leigh, thank you for response to my comment. You saying “Wary doesn’t seem to cover how suspicious I am of everyone around me” – I totally get this. For ages, I was paranoid, now I am not. Well, if your friend is a narcissist, you are learning how to ‘guard’ yourself and ‘arm’ yourself with the knowledge. I learned to ‘navigate’ around my friend’s ‘behaviours’ if you will, simply because I have known them over 40 years and this was without knowing about narcissism. Thank you for sharing, good to read what you had to say.
“For ages, I was paranoid, now I am not”
Same.
The paranoia comes back mildly sometimes. It used to be mostly constant and now it is more usual to not have it, so it’s an improvement.
Asp Emp says, “I learned to ‘navigate’ around my friend’s ‘behaviours’ if you will, simply because I have known them over 40 years and this was without knowing about narcissism.”
Thats exactly what I’m doing with my friend now. I’ve known her for 30 years. I truly trusted her. She was one of my dearest friends. Now I see her as the toxixc person she really is. I keep uncovering narcissists in my life and I’m growing weary.
Now whenever anyone new comes into my life, my guard I is up. I can’t trust anyone.
When I finally go no contact with my husband and my friend, I am going to be happy to finally be alone.
Hello Leigh, you saying “Now whenever anyone new comes into my life, my guard I is up. I can’t trust anyone” – exactly, I understand it totally. Then I have bared all on this site…… so, the whole world can see it (laughing)…… I’m not going to go NC with the friends I have known 40 years cos they are not ‘harmful’ towards me. Yet, it is a hard decision to make for others, like yourself. I hope you manage to achieve what you need for yourself.
Asp Emp, I don’t want to go NC with my friend that I’ve known for 30 years. I have to though. She’s toxic and abusive and I neer to escape all the narcs in my life so I can properly heal.
I bare my soul here too. Its safe. I dont post using my real name and I’ve set up an email address just for this.
Just sharing helps alot. Thank you.
Asp Emp, thank you for sharing
” In Scotland, when it’s the Daily Covid Update – they have someone doing the BSL in the background. Same as Spain, other EU countries. But not the UK. ”
Jawdropping. How can they not do that.
Simply because Bumbling Jidiot is a narcissist? Ignorance of the “lower classes”. I said to my GP friend last summer that how on earth can I, as just one person, make a difference when it comes to the needs of Deaf people?
I know that some Deaf people got together and made a video – using sign language and sent it to BJ. Bet he couldn’t even read the captions on the video and all.
That is the UK Government for you. That is also “politics” for you….
Boris probably thought:
Heck it can always tease a bunch, I might as well skip sign language interpretation for the heck of it.
Lord Jack Ashley was Deaf people’s voice for a number of years. Govt hasn’t taken on another Deaf MP since….. Boris can go fk himself & Donald Trump….. and, no I am not going to imagine them ‘at it’ either!
Asp Emp,
That’s very possible that that is what your father was thinking. I don’t know what country you live in, but for most of USA, and even Europe, during the 1970s, the divorce courts implemented the “the tender years doctrine” which usually meant that the courts favored young children or children with special needs to live with mom. Men could get custody of children back then, but not as easily as they could now. This caused a lot of codependent or empathic men to stay married to narcisisstic women in the 1970s and even the 1980s. Now in 2021, the courts implement a lot of “shared parenting” standards now. Which means an Empath parent can leave the narc, but they now EXPECT co-parenting. I have done what your father has done. At times I have enrolled my daughter in daycare, even when she was an infant, in order for my daughter to have somewhere else to go during his parenting time. That wasn’t because I didn’t trust him as a father, it’s because he’s a narcisisst father. Its terrible what ACON have been through. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I could go back in time, and take you away from your mom.
Anm, thank you for your response. It’s UK. Father wanted me to obtain the education that was not necessarily widely available for Deaf people, the Grammar school was the best at that time. Had father not been ill – it’s fore sure my parents would have divorced yet my father would have most likely won custody of me & sister. Cos I would have chosen him!
Thank you for your last sentence. Had my aunt known back then too, she’d done something too but she didn’t know how bad it was until 7 years ago. Anyway, not dwelling on past – only the present & future that matters. Appreciate what you said though, thank you.
Good, Asp Emp. I understand some of the complex issues. I worked two semesters during college at the only school for the deaf and blind in my entire city. It was a great school, but again, the only school. I just want you to know, you are worthy of love. I am sure your father did the best he could to provide, protect, and love you. If he didn’t, we all love you in spirit , even if we haven’t met you in person.
Oh, thank you. Yes, my dad did, he was there for me. Made every effort to be my father in the short time he was around. And, thank you for your other words, means a lot.
Apparently, the USA is better at recognising Deaf people compared to the UK (services, provision, etc). Surprise, surprise!
Asp Emp,
That’s interesting. I wonder what laws are in place for the Deaf Community, and how the UK funds the services for the Deaf Community. I’m really curious now. Most Organizations here in USA for the Deaf are not ran by the Government -thank God. Usually Non-Profit Organizations (some government funding, but mostly contributions). Deaf People in the USA are supposed to have the same equal rights as anyone else. I’m not sure how it is over there, but here, you can drive a car, and pretty much do whatever. However, the American Deaf culture is very different than the rest of Americans Culture. Pretty much, any negative stereo type that you could think about for an American, does not apply to a deaf person here. Example, a typical American would get upset if you described them as a fat person who enjoys hamburgers, even if true. Deaf people don’t care. If someone is fat and eats hamburgers, and it’s true, than it’s open for discussion. And all kinds of interesting things like that.
Anm, there are no Laws / Acts specifically for Deaf people. There never will be, because everything within Goods & Services within the UK would need to be updated / changed. Just like when they brought out the Autism Act, I knew then that nothing would really ‘change’. In Scotland, when it’s the Daily Covid Update – they have someone doing the BSL in the background. Same as Spain, other EU countries. But not the UK. Why not? Even when covid rules stipulated masks to be worn, the UK Govt haven’t really come up with a ‘fair’ strategy when it comes to Deaf people. Because of these things I mentioned here, and other “issues” that Deaf people have – quite a number of them do not ‘vote’ when it comes to Elections etc as Deaf people have never really been “considered”, other social groups may have the same views……. it’s all BS. Yes, you’re right, Deaf people do not necessarily ‘hold’ back from voicing something….. ehem.
Good for you, Asp Emp! and shame on the UK for not implementing equal rights for the Deaf.
How To Handle A Parental Narcissist: all adult children of narcissists must listen to this material. We are so incredibly lucky to have access to this !
I can add that listening to it even if you have already gone no contact is extremely helpful and comforting.
My ‘mother’ is a narc. I have known this for over ten years and it will be 12 years in May since I last saw her. I tried to keep in touch with my father but he rejected that. He died not long before HG confirmed to me two weeks ago that in fact my ‘father’ too was a narcissist.
When I think back on it now, it all makes sense. But it made me feel as if I was drowning again.
Until I listened to this material.
It was difficult at first to realise that I had not had parents at all (can you hear the violins playing in the background?!). But little by little, as I listened, everything HG explained brought me peace, even with my non-narcissist relatives who did not understand why my brother and I stopped seeing our genitors. It showed me that I was right to go total no contact with both of them – no regrets. I will remain in TNC with my mother, and no contact also means that I don’t think about the dead narcissist, and don’t need to grieve.
Everything we need to know and do in relation to parental narcs is there. It really is the key to living better. I can testify to the fact that despite all the difficult moments, which HG points out, going no contact with parental narcissists is when you can start healing.
One of the most heart-warming aspects of this material, HG, is that after hearing your definition of what a real parent is, and the poems, I could at last believe that I have been a real parent, and still am. This is very important, and it is something all empaths who are parents will greatly appreciate – even – or especially?- those like me who had a child with a narcissist.
Thank you so much for this material.
You are most welcome Fiddleress, I am pleased you have found it so useful.
You´re not alone, Fidleress! We are many ACONS here, thankful for H.G.s wonderful material and his great help! After I had listened to this great material, I really need to talk. It was very hard for me and I needed to talk about this with H.G. It was incredibly relieving!!!! Oh, that did so good!
Thank you, Leela.
I totally understand that you needed to talk to HG after listening to this material, that was the best move. I am glad you felt relieved afterwards. I can also understand why it was hard to listen to. You wrote in one comment that you cried when listening to it, and A Victor too (I’ll get a membership card to the club!). It is hard to admit the truth: that we were not loved, not cared for, by the relevant parental narcissist(s).
I lived under the illusion that my ‘father’ had loved me (although there was no evidence of that) but that he hadn’t been able to show it because of his abusive wife. One more illusion shattered – and a good thing too, in the end.
Hope you are doing well, Leela. Hugs to you.
That was very moving to read, Fiddleress, and so much of it resonates with me.
As to any violins playing in the background, I think we deserve the whole symphony orchestra and more. All ACONs do. It’s amazing how we survive and can ultimately thrive. There’s no doubt HGs work on the parental narcissist can help us all do that. It is my most treasured piece of his work so far and that is because it’s been able to bring such peace. As has the fact there are other ACONs here who understand what it takes and the necessity of going no contact with abusive narcissistic parents. It is such a relief.
Finding out your father was a narcissist too must have provided you with an element of relief with regard to his passing I imagine. I’m glad HG was able to provide you with confirmation around that. It’s so important to gain the understanding and grasp the truth that goes with that. Although it could still be painful.
Just wanted to acknowledge and second what you have said, Fiddleress. We are both very grateful.
Thank you for your comment, lickemtomorrow. ‘The whole symphony orchestra’: this made me smile. Why not, after all. I was once told by my English teacher in my final year of High School (she was a Canadian anglophone. I liked her) to “keep a stiff upper lip”, when I had broken down in class and told her a little about home, because she asked me. I never managed it.
This material is indeed a very special one; I really like the words you used: “most treasured piece of HG’s work”. I agree.
The difficult part was the shattering of the illusion about my father. For a few days, the consequence was a resurgence of that old, ever so familiar feeling of worthlessness – I remember you writing about this, I think you will understand what I mean. It came rushing back when I heard that my father had in fact been a narcissist. The feeling was irrational, but I am afraid that it is so deeply ingrained in us that we have to fight against it. I still don’t know if it is possible to do away with it altogether so that it *never* surfaces, ever again.
Quite a few of my illusions were shattered in 2020, literally from January to December. I feel a little as if I was standing in the midst of rubble after a bomb had been dropped on familiar surroundings. But that is fine, as I actually enjoy building and rebuilding. As you say, it is a wonder how we thrive in the end. I put it down to our innate optimism.
And having access to HG’s work and HG himself is invaluable. I can see how it gives strength and determination to so many of us.
I am glad to hear that listening to this material gave you peace too, LET.
I appreciate, once again, so much of what you have written here, Fiddleress <3
It is shattering to learn that our long held notions about others are actually illusions. And the fact is we held those notions for a reason. Perhaps it would have been hard to survive if we realized the full implications at the time. I do remember long ago you mentioning your belief that your father was an empath and me relating that to memories of my own father and how he made use of my empathic traits. I do not know if he was a narcissist, whereas I am sure about my mother, but the odds are all adding up to make it look like that might be the case. I was aware at the time of you making that comment how we perceive people based on a number of factors, and when I had to confront the narc/empath split I knew I definitely couldn't call my father an empath. His behaviours lead to me to believe he also could not be a 'normal'. I also know he 'used' me and my traits as a means to manipulate and get his own needs met. I had to confront the reaity that it was never about me, for either my mother or my father. It was all about them. That alone speaks to the lack of love and empathy. But to have to really take that on board, along with a failed marriage and subsequent failed relationship, actually says to me in my circumstance that no one every truly loved me. At least those who were in some way expected or assigned to love me. It is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. And yet, to be able to assign it to narcissism and all its vagaries makes it somehow better. To know that I myself am not unlovable, but had the unfortunate consequence of having to, and choosing to, engage with people who were not capable of love. So when it comes to that sense of worthlessness which can be an easy trap to fall into, knowing what we know now means we have a mechanism to close that trap door once and for all x
I am sorry your teacher was not able to offer you any more support than that very cliche remark of keeping a "stiff upper lip". Although it seems she intended it well, it was very little to offer in terms of providing you with any more than another platitude minus tools and resources. Of course, it's likely she didn't have the wherewithall to provide you with more, and maybe just having the opportunity to talk about it helped you in the circumstances. At the same time, fancy expecting a child who is clearly in distress to just keep a stiff upper lip as a means of coping. I'm not surprised you didn't manage it and should not have been expected to either.
I totally understand the bomb analogy and can concur. So many things have gone to the wall for me this year and the only real recompense has been finding my way here and being able to make sense of it all. What a relief, again! That innate sense of optimism will be what helps us to get the rebuilding done. War has been an ongoing theme in my life for the last several years and it truly is astounding when you see the rebuilding that can and has been done in the aftermath. It seems like nothing could ever be the same again, and in many ways it won't be, but the possibility of rebuilding is very real and also necessary.
Peace has broken out in so many ways in my world and I hope it can stay that way for all of us who benefit from our time spent here xox
Thank you Lickemtomorrow, and I will say the same: I always appreciate what you write. Very much so.
Yes, I did think that my father was an empath a first. I simply could not face the truth, and he lived through many terrible things in his life. Maybe the truth, or the means to discover it, comes to us when we are ready to face it. My father was not as obviously and actively abusive as my mother – he was more passive aggressive, and mostly neglected us kids- but still I had to blind myself to a lot of things to delude myself that he was an empath. He drank, so I could always blame the alcohol for his behaviours, besides having the wife that he had.
I remember you saying that you were positive that your mother was a narcissist, and that you thought your father must have been too. It is tough to accept that. You must have gone quite a long way already to be able to accept this.
You are right, that teacher of mine meant well, and she certainly didn’t know what to do with what I had told her. When you did well at school, no one believed you or took it seriously here when you said that you had family problems. But I did take it as a cue to ‘shut up’. Things have changed now in schools, thankfully.
I have felt serene and at peace since listening to How to Handle a Parental Narcissist, as if I were a convalescent; it feels lovely.
I am glad to hear that peace has pervaded your world too, LET.
XX
Edit: as if I were *convalescing*, hopefully makes more sense.
Ha Fiddleress, I guess you are a convalescent if you are convalescing, as are we all 🙂 I never thought of it that way, but I have been enjoying my convalescence since I got here. It’s narc rehab (or should that be empath rehab) for me xox
Fiddleress, I can so relate. Both my parents are narcissists too. At a very young age, I knew I didn’t have parents that I could count on and that I would have to step up to the plate. Its ok, play those violins! Like LET says, you deserve a symphony. We all do!
You saying that at last you could believe that you have been a real parent is what really hits home for me. That’s where my biggest concern lies, I hope I was a good parent. I did choose to stay with their narcissist father though and so they were raised in a toxic environment. That’s why I have to break the cycle now.
Thank you for sharing! It does give me hope.
You are welcome, Leigh, and thank you also for sharing. I didn’t realise that you came from a family of narcissists too.
The concern for the children, and the feeling of guilt that comes with it – I understand this so well. I think you mentioned that your children are young adults now, like mine.
There is nothing we can do about the past. I suppose that like me, you didn’t know when your children were growing up that their father was a narcissist and what that implied. Although I separated from my daughter’s father when she was barely six, I still made sure that she continued to see him. I can’t help thinking that I shouldn’t have let her continue to see him, with what I now know about narcissism, but it’s too late. At the time, it seemed unfair and cruel to both of them to sever all ties.
HG has helped me a lot in getting over that feeling of guilt. You are right to look ahead now, Leigh.
Sending plenty of support your way!
Yes, I just figured it out myself that my parents were narcissists. My father used his fists to discipline me and siblings. My mother is a victim narcissist and her abuse was much more subtle and covert. She hasn’t seen my children since they were toddlers. She doesn’t even care to either. Yes, my children are young adults, both in their early twenties. I’m still married to my narc husband. He is more like my mother. His behaviors are much more covert. Although my children have seen it for years. I’ve always defended him. Not anymore. I finally have awareness.
Sometimes I still think that I’m the problem. I seem to be the common denominator. Mr. Tudor tells me an empath though so I guess that’s why I’m surrounded by narcs.
I need advice from parents of adult children. Is it ok for me to tell my adult child that her father is a narcissist? Should she figure it out herself? She can’t understand why he does the things he does. They just had a tremendous blow out.
Fuck! Why do I still feel the need to protect him?
I’m telling her to come here and do the research so she can see it. Its enough already. Its not ok what he does to her.
Apparently I’m late to the party. My children already know that my husband, their father is toxic and a narcissist. They’ve been waiting for me to be out of denial.
Part of me is so proud of them for recognizing the toxicity at such an early age. They are both in their early 20s. The other part of me is sad that I put them through this. I’m sorry I’ve been in denial all these years. I can’t be in denial anymore though.
Oops, I didn’t read your second comment until I had posted my first. Glad for you!
Happy to read that you have understanding children, Leigh. That’s a relief.
They definitely understand and its definitely a relief! They know I want to leave too. One of my daughters still has some empathy for him. She said to me, “who will take care of him?” She didn’t say this to guilt me into staying. She said it because she genuinely feels bad for him even though he’s awful to her
Hi Leigh, I am very careful about talking to my adult children about this. I have two who are very receptive to the idea and two who are not. If I try to tell one of the non-receptive ones something like this, it’s me badmouthing their father, in their mind. I never want to do that but also, it puts them on the defensive and makes it even more difficult to talk to them. Better if I talk about what I’m learning about narcissism as it naturally comes up and let them sort it out. Just my experience, others may have more to offer.
A Victor, I agree. That was my trepidation. Do I let them learn on their own or do I show them? I didn’t want to sway them. Yet he is toxic and I felt the need to protect them especially since for so long, I put them in this toxic environment.
It turns out they knew already and they were waiting for me to catch up. They were protecting me!!!
That is really sweet! It sounds like you have wonderful children.
Thank you A Victor! I’m biased but I do agree!
It’s a steal at that price, HG. Thank you for your generosity once again.
You are welcome LET.
This is very good and very helpful! I cried when I listened to this! 🙁 This was really hard to listen to for me! 🙁 But: It enlightened me it showed me the truth! I am an ACON! I am the daughter of a somatic upper mid ranger. 🙁
Listen and be enlightened! Listen and face the truth about your “so-called parent”. Hard but extremely relieving. It helped me so much to finally accept that I have no “daddy”. No. There´s only PatriNarc, the somatic upper mid range narcissist. 🙁
Full recommendation to all ACONs!
Leelasfuelstinks, I had the same reaction, cried through much of it, had to take it in bite size pieces. But, so helpful! I highly recommend it.
HG, is this the same one I purchased mid Nov? Does it have additions to that one? Confused by the ‘Introductory Weekend Discount’ phrase. Thanks
It is the same.
I thought so, thank you.
Me too. Exactly the same here. I could only listen bit by bit. Small portions.
Leelafuelstinks, were their some key factors that helped you pin point your mother as an UMR? Would you mind sharing the biggest standouts for you?