Love Bombing : If the Narcissist Was Honest
What if the unaware narcissist was made aware so they shared with you how they regarded you and their behaviour prior to the commencement of their love bombing of you? What if the aware narcissist decided they would share their thoughts and motivations about you, no longer seeing doing so as a transference of power? If they did, this would be the result.
Dear Victim,
There you sit. Soaked in innocence, drenched in unawareness, drowning in vulnerability. You are an empath. I can detect that. From the things that you say, the things that you do, the way you move, the way you interact with others, the manner of your gestures, the look in your eyes and the facial expressions that you make, you radiate as only the empath does. Great bubbles of honesty form on the surface of you and float upwards, arcing jets of the need for justice spray from you and decency shimmers about you like some ethereal cloak. I watch as the ripples of your caring nature sweep back and forth across you, beautiful display of what you are. The coils of your compassion emerge onto you and spiral upwards enveloping the fortunate recipient that you direct them towards. Your desire to heal and fix shines from you as if a magnificent light, sweeping around the world from you the lighthouse, banishing darkness and providing succour and support to those this ray of repair lands on. I see it all. These empathic traits and more besides are part of the empathic ecosystem and I am the predator that waits within this ecosystem, ready to take advantage of it.
I see the narcissistic traits too. The bubbling anger that resides beneath your cloak of decency, that cloak keeping your anger in check until it is permitted to make an appearance through the application of righteous annoyance. I sense the showcasing that you have, a glittering desire to be seen, but since it sits beneath your caring nature, it is only ever seen in its fair and entertaining application, never show stealing or vainglorious.
Your jealousy lurks, but trapped within those bubbles of honesty, save when one of those bubbles is pricked by an external force usually me and my abuse, albeit we are some distance away from that at this juncture.
No, this is that moment right before I commence my seduction of you. I say seduction as that sounds romantic but in reality, it is an invasion. You see, you are a nation state which has the resources which I need. My reconnaissance is at an early stage and I do not yet know whether you will become my Intimate Partner Primary Source (other half, wife, spouse, girlfriend ) or whether you will be an IPSS, either one which I will pick up and put down as and when I see fit and allow some access into my world, or one which I will keep tucked away in the shadows, there when I need a fresh injection of the fuel that I must have. What I do know is that you already belong to me. The moment I saw you meant that your fate was sealed, you became my property, all I must do now is invade you.
Will I spare you this invasion? No. I do not care at all for you. I have no emotional empathy whatsoever and therefore I will take what I need with no regard at all for the consequences for you. Will I invade you slowly and steadily, perhaps giving you a chance to work out whether this is right for you? No. This is an invasion. I must achieve your submission as fast as I can. You see, I cannot cope unless you are under my control and the possibility that you might threaten my control over you starts to weaken me, make me feel insignificant and powerless and that must never, ever happen. This means I have to achieve control over you so I can access your resources – your fuel, your character traits and your residual benefits – as quickly as possible.
Now, most invasions are a brutal display of force, battering the enemy into submission, destroying the opposition´s defences, shattering their infrastructure, terrifying their populaces and annihilating their armed forces with an impressive arsenal of destructive weapons. This invasion will be brutal in its speed, you will be battered into submission, I will overwhelm your defences, I will disable your support systems, I will occupy every inch of you, I will monopolise your time, I will isolate you from any interfering influences, I will harness your assets and make them mine to ensure that you are subjugated. I will not do this with terror however, I shall do so with love.
Well, I say love, truth be told, I have no idea how to love you. I have no emotional empathy remember which means that I am utterly unable to love you in the way that is best for you. Instead, what I am going to do is give you what I understand love to be (but actually isn´t) and thanks to my predecessor narcissists you have been conned into misunderstanding what love is. You see, love is actually premised on emotional empathy, that means respecting one another, having things in common, embracing the differences, being patient and supportive, taking time to know one another, to accept who you are and to be accepted for who one is, to share and to care, to listen and listen properly. This emotional empathy means recognising boundaries, it means never manipulating or abusing, it means working together and standing shoulder to shoulder when the world and it is a tough old world, throws what it does at you. It means not shirking responsibility, it means standing up and being counted, it means jealousy and envy are kept in check, there is fidelity and passion for one another. It is all in the doing and not the saying.
The problem with all of that is that I am not designed to do any of it, but I am designed to give you the impression that I am capable of doing it.
My invasion has three parts to it:-
- I will use the narcissistic narrative to dazzle you,
- I will use my powers of mimicry to make you think I have emotional empathy , and
- I will mirror yourself back at you.
All are based on fabrication – the fabrication of what love is, the fabrication of emotional empathy and the fabrication of what you think I am.
The first part is that my predecessor narcissists have become the architects of the ideal of love. All of that which I just described about how love is based on emotional empathy, well they effectively threw all of that out of the window because it is too slow, boring and will not lead to your swift submission. Accordingly, actually loving you through emotional empathy would be too slow and not give me the control I must desperately have over you. Instead, what allows you to be conquered within the blink of an eye is fabrication. I will flatter you, compliment you, adore you, admire you, swamp you with my infatuation. I will idealise you and put you on the highest pedestal. I will treasure you, covet you, showcase you, polish you up and present you. Notice what this all signifies, yes, you are an object to me, my object. You will not realise this though because I will drape you with the narcissistic narrative so you think what I am giving you is the most perfect, incredible love but it is not. It is an illusion. It is fakery.
I am going to become the romantic poets all rolled into one, I will be a stormtrooper of seduction, blitzkrieg you into submission through the application of the most amazing sex you have experienced, I will buy you gifts, I will introduce you to all my friends and family, I will propose marriage to you within weeks of meeting you, I will move into your house within a week of meeting you because “this feels so right”, I will tell you how scintillating you are compared to that horrible person I was with previously, I will tell you that nobody compares to you, that you are simply the best, that I don´t want to miss a thing, that love comes quickly, that all you need is love – do you see how my predecessors have already done the hard work? They are the song writers, the artists, the poets, the authors, the entertainers and the writers of Hallmark cards. My narcissist brethren have created a tapestry of what romantic love is and it is false. That is not love but you have become conditioned by film, book, poem and song to believe that it is and all I am going to do is wrap you in all of those things and make you feel like the only girl in the world. It will be breath taking, amazing, mind-blowing and dizzying. Your heart will race, your spirits will soar, you will have a spring in your step and a smile plastered on your face for weeks and months on end. All of this is called a golden period.
This golden period is given to you so I can invade you and occupy you in the shortest time possible and with maximum effect. Inside this golden period. I will also use the artifice of creating the impression that I also love you with emotional empathy. Alongside the fireworks, glitter and rainbows, I will give you glimpses of kindness and support. This is the second part of the invasion. This means my invasion is guaranteed to succeed. After I have used the narcissistic idea of love to dazzle you into submission and the second is to layer on that, the appearance of having emotional empathy. I am an expert at fakery. I have been designed so I can mimic what truly empathic people do, but I only do this for a short time, intermittently when I absolutely have to and of course entirely to make you mine. I will bring you chicken soup when you feel unwell, I will do the laundry, I will take the dog for a walk, I will tidy up, I will cook for you, I will listen to you talk about how difficult your boss is and offer suggestions as to how you deal with it. I actually do not give a flying fuck about any of those things, but I have to do them, so you think that I am that type of person. I need to give you the fireworks, so you think I am special and the fake empathy, so you think I am supportive and reliable.
Within all of this is the third part, the mirroring. You see, I actually do not exist, well I do, but that part of me is locked away and must never be seen. What I mean, is what you see, and experience does not exist, it is a shapeshifting fabrication which takes on whatever form is needed to conquer you. Sexual Olympian? No problem. Bon viveur? Absolutely. Pillar of the community? Easily done. Captain Success? Already to be deployed. Dr Caring? At your service madam. Loving father? Kind companion? Hilarious entertainer? Sports mad? Fashion conscious? Brain the size of Canada? Literary genius? Comicon enthusiast? Friends binge watcher? Dirty Dancing worshipper? Religious acolyte? Dedicated to the literary works of great American writers? Fly fisherman? Equestrian? Ten pin bowler? Check, check and check. I will become whatever is needed to win you over.
Everything about you will be mirrored back at you, the way you smile, the way you love, the things you like, and the things oyu dislike. What I show you is not me, good God no, what I show you is yourself. In the most brilliant of perversions, I make you fall in love with yourself. How narcissistic is that?!
So, none of it is genuine but you do not have to worry about that now because the best part is, you will not even notice. I am so good at this because I am designed to be this way and you are designed not to notice (thank you emotional thinking). Settle in and enjoy this golden period because it will be unlike anything you have ever experienced before. It is absolutely incredible, and you may as well enjoy it because it will be removed. Yes, I only need to give you the golden period to conquer you and to extract your resources and after that, well I will take it away and then the full horror is visited on you, but we do not need to go into that now. What you must do is enjoy this and I guarantee you will, it is beyond the highest high, this is more potent and more addictive than heroin.
So, there you sit, my crosshairs trained on you, the target on your heart all lit up and easy to see to one such as I. It is time to commence the seduction, time to love bomb you. Time to make you mine with the application of falsification, fakery and fabrication on an unprecedented scale.
Do I feel bad about this? Of course not. I simply do not care, but I will make it look like I do.
I am like the predator that has learned to mimic the firefly. I will flash and signal so you think I am ready to mate with and when you come flying to me, all eager and enraptured, I will ensnare you and later devour you as you offer no resistance, confused and dumbstruck as to how you fell for this.
It is all a big con. I am the love fraud and you are my victim.
127 thoughts on “Love Bombing : If the Narcissist Was Honest”
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And sadly my psyche screamed ‘its not real’ but I blamed it on my broken heart from the man 6 mos before him… When he lied and told me his ex left him because he tested sterile I felt it was a trap but I believed him. He told me he was honest… I felt sorry for him, he claimed to be the nice guy who finished last, that all he needed was one good woman to not give up on him, he wasn’t the devilishly handsome type, I figured that’s where I went wrong before, that I could grow to love him. he was my ex’s cousin by marriage, said he cried watching how he treated me for 5 years and he wanted to show me what a real man was. Instead he moved in after I said slow, he raped me in my sleep even after telling him we were over, he refused to leave and every lie I’d catch him in he’d deny. He told me I was crazy, that no one would believe me, that he’d take the child he coerced into me and I’d never see her again. I was restrained, kicking and screaming. He knew I was waiting, looking for a door, I still figured I was stuck so put my all into loving him hoping he’d the help he promised. he kept fighting to keep my head under the water but I found the door. He got cocky, to try and hold me down took too much from him and he got sloppy. He knew if he hurt her I’d leave, that I stayed to protect her from him, I was willing to sacrifice myself to him, not for him, his mistake… He keeps trying but each attempt breaks the protection order and each time makes his case weaker. I will succeed, I won’t let him hurt her ever again, I will do everything in my power, she’s too young to understand, the cptsd she has tears me to shreds, as I’ve told her mommy will protect you no matter what, I don’t care what it takes. Thank you for opening my eyes to the truth, like the rest I’m stuck having to understand, to make sense of it all and couldn’t, trying to battle when you don’t know your enemy isn’t easy, I’ve come a long way and made some huge mistakes but at least my NC failures and hoover botches produced a book that I can show as proof I’m not lying that she’s not safe with him. You truly are more than you know and I will likely owe you for saving multiple lives, thank you thank you thank you!
You are welcome.
I listened to all the lies my ex said and how they are the victim in there misery.I cant believe how them convince themselves to believe there own lies.Likely my children have educated themselves about narcs and understand the lies as they have lived it.
Can you ride a horse, H.G.?
Yes.
There’s something about a guy on horseback isn’t there?
Mmmmm…..
Dear Narcissist,
oh your predatory stare already tells everything
you targeted me,
the way I move, my facial expression, the way I treat people,
Yes, I´m proud of that!
I know you gonna fire your love bombs on me
but guess what: I´m fed up of you guys with your slimy love bombing,
so, dear Narcissist,
KISS MY ASS!
Yours sincerely
Super Empath
I loved this article.
Something has finally clicked. I have suddenly understood something, thanks to this passage: “Will I invade you slowly and steadily (…)? No, this is an invasion”. I am now quite sure that the few men that have been important to me (in romantic relationships, if I can call them that) have all been narcissists. Before I met the last one, I had decided to remain single, and I did for a few years. Out of choice, because I had come to the conclusion that I was crap at relationships, could not put up with being in a relationship for too long because I felt… invaded! I thought I had a problem, but I was right all along – I had really been invaded!
Wow, I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I am probably not so hopeless at relationships after all. The way I felt was perfectly justified.
Thank you for this too, HG.
You are welcome Fiddleress.
Exactly ditto for me Fiddleress. A big penny drop on here was changing a thought process given to me in a counselling session i was attending to repair myself on what was my second obvious personal relationship with a narc. I said ‘ i feel like they choose me’ and i was corrected to think that ‘ i was allowing myself to be chosen’ as though i should have some awareness. Do now!! But not for the reasons she would presume.
Thank you Fiddleress, this helps me too.
Dear mr. Tudor, Almost finished your fourth book. And the books have been very good support material. I inserted the “total no contact” some days ago. ( ignored the messages last weeks but now also deleted all communication possibilities so I don’t have to ignore anything anymore).
Doubting a bit about the NPD. But as being a dls he did so much that is unimaginable ( and lacked so much that someone with empathy would do) he can not feel love or empathy like I do. So logic tells me 1+1=2. And he is.
The book about manipulations were impacting on me. I didn’t like “you” at all anymore. So that was very good! It really sank in. Good writing.
Reading this article above I was wondering. You write:
“ Within all of this is the third part, the mirroring. You see, I actually do not exist, well I do, but that part of me is locked away and must never be seen. What I mean, is what you see, and experience does not exist, it is a shapeshifting fabrication which takes on whatever form (…)Fly fisherman? Equestrian? Ten pin bowler? Check, check and check. I will become whatever is needed to win you over.”
What if you would be just you. No one( that provided fuel) around. And you would survive fuel crisis. Kept eating and breathing and sleeping and waking and maybe with help of therapist prevent depressions. Or artificial help like medicine to pump in dopamine and serotonin etc.
I understand that the absent of empathy prevents all pleasant contacts with anyone. You would never be liked if you would be yourself , because you would always be solely interested in your own and never in the other. So everyone would avoid you quickly.
It would always have to be feigned. To keep others in contact with you.
But what if it was just you. Are there any interests you would have that would be authentic ?
Interest in technology maybe or life in the universe or maybe how the brain and conscience appeared in self reflecting species or art music sports?
Is there some presence of the real self within the construction?
Best regards and best december wishes! Fieke.
Yes there will be some elements which appear in the construct, take intelligence for example, although conversely this can be part of the construct for certain narcissists. I am very intelligent and that is not a fabrication although ti appears as part of the construct. Some narcissists do fabricate intelligence (unconsciously) and that appears in the construct. You will have more of this aspects amongst the Greater and the Ultra.
Speaking of songs; I have just watched an episode of a new Netflix series called Song Exploder, they don’t have many episodes yet but I watched the one on “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. and I ended up in tears, which is not uncommon. You all know how intensely I perceive sound. I was wondering what a narcissist feels. I know you have answered a similar question before, HG, and if I’m not mistaken you explained that you are able to appreciate the chords and the aesthetic beauty of the composition, the lyrics… but I was wondering: do you happen to know of any narc that also has synesthesia? It would be super interesting to contrast the perception of stimuli and how it interferes with their “emotions” and with which ones in particular since you don’t have a wide range of them according to you. My suspicion is that they just see it as a physiological phenomenon that does not bring out any particular emotional response, just the sensorial simultaneous perception, but I feel really curious.
No, I don’t know any, SP.
Haha, wait until I meet the next narc and tell him I have synesthesia. “No! You too? Omg what a coincidence!”
Thanks for the honest answer.
“Losing My Religion” by R.E.M. is about unrequited love. Stipe has said so. I did not know that until recently.
No wonder I cried profusely!
SP, Time for a happy song! You simply must watch the video when you listen!! It’s perfect for us, you’ll see.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwZvuV79jeY
It’s got an 80s synth pop sound, and I’ve been dancing around in my living area with it on repeat.
Wait, what video? I wanna dance with somebody!
That’s weird. You don’t see the hyperlink? If not, then search for “I Hope You’re Happy” by Blue October. It was released in 2018. If you do find the video, you’ll see the guy falls in love with a robot.
Sorry, BC30! I saw your response earlier but I have been battling more dizziness today and couldn’t focus much on the screen. I shouldn’t have done the intense abs workout that I did yesterday, it probably messed up with my back. I’d never heard that song before but I like it, thanks for sharing! I do not wish my narc is happy. I don’t care whether he’s happy or not, however, I personally detest this obligation we seem to have to be happy. There’s no such thing. Happiness is a temporary state, like being bored. Maybe being content, being stable, but if people impose the ideal of being happy on themselves they’ll never be happy because they’ll always be striving to be happy. Maybe that’s why I feel dizzy, I should stop philosophizing that much and just enjoy the song!! The beat certainly is happy!
I do hope you feel better!! Stop philosophizing too!
Thanks! Yes, I’ll do that.
SP, Hmm. Strange. I responded about the song below. It’s difficult to follow which “Reply” to reply to, so you didn’t see it. Oof.
But I love this article nonetheless. And “bon viveur” made me chuckle.
To song quoting:
All your stupid ideals
Got your head in the clouds
You should see how it feels
With your feet on the ground
… Time you made up your mind
Just what is it all worth.
It is all useless. And like you very well say, in the end, we only learn how fucking awesome we are that we fall in love with our own selves. Not with you.
I am pretty awesome though.
Exactly, TS.
SP,
I only just properly read your comment about your sensitivity to music. I wanted to pick your brain.
I have various playlists, specifically created to purposely alter my mood.
There is a specific playlist. It was created jointly with the narcissist. Its quite dark. I actually love many of the songs on there but they transport me back to such a degree that I can’t listen to it. Occasionally a song will play in a shop or on the radio. I switch channel or walk out. I can’t stand to listen, I only need to hear the first bar and I’m locked in to that mood for the rest of the day. It replays in my mind as I sleep. I turn over, half wake and it’s still playing.
I wonder if it’s the songs themselves, or, the fact of the putting the list together that alters my mood so dramatically. One of the songs I react most strongly to is Runaway Train by Soul Asylum. One of his additions. I’ve heard sadder songs, but this one really gets to me. Can I ask, what do you feel when you listen to that song? Would you mind listening and letting me know? Only if you have time x
https://youtu.be/XXNt2X889j0
TS, that song makes my heart sink every time I hear it too, but for different reasons. Not only do we know the story behind the lyrics and the video about the missing children that goes with it. The problem with empaths and music is that we always invent our own movie that we plaster into the soundtrack. Instead of imagining the movie and then choosing the songs, we listen to a song and apply our own memories -most of which are based on emotions rather than facts- to it, regardless of whether they are shared memories or just our own brain fart. An example: a couple of nights ago my husband and I were having dinner and a song came out. I told him that song had always reminded me of him when we started dating. He doesn’t even like it particularly or has any memories associated to it. But when we started seeing each other, I happened to like the song and every time I heard it I wanted to think of him. See how randomly our ET works? Runaway Train is sad to me because it brings back nostalgia about the time when I used to live in my country with my friends and family and watch MTV music videos. It was a time when no matter how much you hated the current video clip, you didn’t want to leave for fear the next one was a good one. It reminds me of life as a student, of summers on the beach in Southern Europe … it doesn’t remind me of your ex. What I’m trying to say is that music, as HG very well explains in one of his articles, is a powerful weapon against us because narcs know we idealize songs and create fantasy. My fucking narc knows this and that’s why he constantly created links to music that he shared with me (and probably 3-5 more) not because the tracks reminded him of me, but because he knew they would instantly create images in my head to bind me to him. At first, I refused to listen to them anymore. Finally I opted for desensitizing myself, à la Clockwork Orange: I made myself listen to the most dangerous ones again and again and create new memories to replace the ones I immediately thought of. Now I can listen without prejudice, like George Michael would have advised.
I hope this helps you!!!
Oh, from a synesthesia point of view, the singer’s voice looks barky and oak-wood color with some grey.
Hi SP,
I somehow missed your reply but found you again lol.
Thank you for sharing your ideas with me x
What you say does make sense. I think there was an element of the narc growing to learn which songs would have an effect. He did communicate to me via music too though so I was primed to look for meaning in everything. Which I did, incessantly.
Some songs vastly alter my mood in themselves also. I have a need to sink on occasion, or, if the mundane gets too much, if there is not enough depth, then I find I crave music to pull some emotion out. I sound narcy. I don’t feel powerful when I experience emotion, I just feel dulled if the days become habitual. I use music a lot as substitute.
I don’t think the narc set out to prime me, I think it evolved as he clicked which type of music brought out stronger responses.
The suggestion to make new memories by replaying the songs is a good one. I’ve tried to do the same with different songs from a different difficult time. I don’t respond to over writing though unfortunately. Once links are made with me that’s it, game over, they’re locked in.
I cant overwrite associations well at all. I try, but I just reject it. I go straight back to the original associated memory. Even my brain is stubborn it seems, it’s almost as if I know I’m being conned so bring up barriers to protect myself. The rule of three doesn’t work on me either and it’s not through lack of trying. Hypnosis, same thing, I lock down.
I’m struggling with the Fifth Sphere all round and it’s starting to pull me under. If you think of anything else along similar lines, could you let me know please SP? Your wiring sounds very similar to mine. You might hit on something to take the edge off xx
I’ve been thinking about your comment, TS. You mention the fifth sphere. Let me ask you: are you still in touch with your ex? How can you be on the fifth sphere? If you are not under NC, DO NOT listen to the songs again, you’re not ready. You need to break all connections with this person, stop any mind relation with him (via social media, texts, whatever). Only when you stop knowing about him, seeing his pics, talking about him, reading about him, you will stop thinking about him, and ONLY then you may be able to listen to those songs, and they will be like new people that you meet for the first time: “hello, new song” “well, hello” “you sound nice!” “Thank you, do you say that because I remind you of someone?” “Err.. NOPE. You just sound nice.”
Forgot to say,
The colour association is fascinating. I occasionally could describe someone as a colour but I don’t see colour in music. I’d like to, you’re lucky! I see pictures in music. Crystal clear, I also can smell certain memories. I’ve smelt the narc beside me when listening to a particular associated song off the playlist for example.
Your colour description of the singers voice was very specific, I like that, you know exactly what colour it is.
This stuff sounds weird to most, I’m glad someone else gets what I’m feeling, thank you SP x
TS: “ I see pictures in music. Crystal clear, I also can smell certain memories.” Tell me more about that. You are a synesthete too! Hey, have you seen those memes that picture a little girl in the back of a car looking through the window as it rains outside and it reads: “Me, listening to music on a roast trip and creating my own video clip in my mind”? That’s us.
Ow SP the MTV Music videos, what a throwback that is!!
That is exactly 30 years ago *choking in my drinks right now*
Coming home from school, first thing before homework watching some MTV, there was nothing else, no internet, no YouTube, no smartphones, oh my god…
Of course this has such a big impact and imprinting on us, there simply was nothing else, we watched it every spare minute….
“I want my, I want my, I want my MTV”, hahahahaha!
MTV video clips is my only addiction. And wine. And narcs… a little.
SP,
I don’t think I have synethesia as such, probably just a vivid imagination. It doesn’t happen every time I hear a song. There’s no consistency with me. I won’t put the radio on, a random song plays and I see a picture. It happens only with certain songs, or certain moods of songs.
In the first instance, the song might be an association. So, how you described your response to Runaway Train. It takes you back to a time and place. I imagine when it does take you back, you see it very vividly. It’s so vivid, so detailed, you almost feel as if you could step back into the scene, right then and there. If it takes you back to a day on the beach, you can see the other people on the beach, describe the colour of the towel they might be sitting on, you can look around, towards the ocean or the beach promenade. Vivid. It’s an association to hearing that song on that day at that time. For me, I might have heard that song on various occasions, but there is only one scene attached, so I’d go back to the beach scene every time. I can’t over write the beach scene. That scene is that song.
In the second instance, new song for example, no association previously. There, if my mind is empty of day to day rubbish, I’m not thinking about anything else, and the song happens to resonate for some reason, then the picture forms. So, I’ll keep it Narc related but it doesn’t have to be. My playlist generated a song suggestion, I let it play through and one song just grabbed a hold of me. I listened and the picture that formed had nothing to do with the lyrics. Bizarrely I saw a room with a man sitting on a couch. The focus was on his legs to begin with, I saw what he was wearing, the bottom of the trousers colour of the socks, then the view pulled out a little, I could see the table, bookshelf in the corner, colour of the rug under the table design on his coffee mug. Then it pulled out more so I could look round the room and at the man on the couch as he came into focus. It was the narc, he was just sat, reading, swinging his leg just ever so slightly. Detailed, vivid, as if I am in the room and nothing to do with song lyrics. It’s a strange thing to imagine, but I think it is a form of imagining.
Smell. This only happens when I really miss someone. Or some place. I have smelt my grandma several times. This doesn’t have to link with music but it can do. This is more me thinking of her, missing her for some reason or wishing I could ask or tell her something. Very occasionally I smell her without thinking about her but not usually. I have also smelt the narc. Similar to the picture of him in the room. A song came on I hadn’t heard before and grabbed my focus, his picture instantly formed in my mind and then as I listened I smelt him right beside me. I can’t think that that is imagination because I physically smell something so that might be closer to mild synethesia. I can’t do what you do, there is no consistency with me. I can’t create an image, it just forms of its own volition. I can’t smell my grandma if I need a hug for example. It fits and starts.
Fifth sphere. There is absolutely no contact between the narc and I. He tried a hoover by FB Messenger text in November but I don’t look at his Facebook, I deleted all phone texts and images. So there’s no active communication or reviewing at all. I will never just run into him by accident. No mutual friends so no one is mentioning him. I haven’t spoken texted or messaged at all since a couple of weeks after the NDC. He is still firmly implanted in my head though. It’s more like, he is in my head all the time, just there in the background, so I ignore it by keeping busy. Rather than him not being in my head and then popping into my head with me then doing something to get rid of the thought. I don’t have unanswered questions, I’m not debating with myself or questioning if I am doing the right thing. I honestly don’t know why he bloody well refuses to leave, other than maybe the association is like a safety blanket and I’m keeping him there myself. That might be a bit deep for me to be fair ha ha.
You are confusing the spheres of influence with the arenas of interaction. The spheres of influence belong to the narcissist and you may enter them and in so doing you provoke a Hoover Trigger.
The arenas of interaction belong to you and they govern things that you do, say and think whereby you are interacting with the narcissist. Arena Five is thinking about the narcissist.
TS
‘I don’t respond to over writing though unfortunately. Once links are made with me that’s it, game over, they’re locked in.
I cant overwrite associations well at all. I try, but I just reject it. I go straight back to the original associated memory.”
My first thought upon reading that was:
That can’t be true. It is inconsistent with the assertions in her statements where she indicates that she is done with the narcissist and will not fall into that trap again. That she will remain single if need be.
Please don’t misunderstand me TS. I am not trying to poke holes or find inconsistencies. What I am saying is that you have the ability to do it in this case (with music and other associations) just as you did when you determined enough was enough with the narcissist and cut that off. You likely thought that was not possible at one point either. This is possible too. You can overwrite and reclaim.
HG,
Oops! Thank you for setting that straight. You’re right, I mean Arena 5, ‘Thinking about the narcissist.’
You are welcome.
NA,
I think with the decision to be done with the narcissist, and the decision to stay single, they were conscious moves. Weigh the situation up and make the move. I don’t want to be with a narcissist, the situation with that particular narcissist would have gone no where at best and descended into something horrible at worst. The similar view as regards any other narcissist. A waste of time and energy. It’s a logical decision and a stubbornness to stick with it. Like the school cross country run where you do well not because you are a good runner, you just are more stubborn than most and keep going.
This thinking part happens subconsciously. I don’t choose to associate the way I do. It’s done for me. I have all kinds of associations that are nice too though, non narc related. So I don’t think I’d change the way I remember things overall or even the way I picture them. Just in this instance I’m starting to find it wearing and on a low day what starts as a vague background thought can turn into a real missing. It would be nicer not to have to keep constantly moving or filling my headspace with stuff to sidestep the narc thoughts from moving forward.
I might be going batshit crazy early doors. Do you think I am? Do you think when I’m old I’ll step into one of my associations and just decide to stay there? Maybe that’s what crazy is. If so, I need to find a song that associates with Alexander Skaarsgaard (but spelt correctly) an infinity pool and a massive four poster with white sheets.
TS, I’ve been making memories with new songs and listening to really old pre-narc songs. I’m struggling with 5th Sphere.*sigh* So I’ve begun naming items and sensations in my immediate environment when a thought pops up. I am hoping to see results soon!! All my love to you. xo
BC30,
Hands off Alex when making the new memories. He’s in my association, I don’t do share! ha ha.
Hugs incoming. Xx
TS6157:
You can add The Ascending Knight to your list on the KHG protected forum.
I am unable to post any comments on KHG and the Dark Cupid protected forums for some reason.
NJ Filly,
Thank you, I will add to the list. You might need to re enter passwords for the DC and KHG forums if you haven’t been on them in a little while x. DC I have to go back to the original e mail link and go in from there.
The delineation between spheres of influence and arenas of interaction is helpful.
SP, I’m with you on the MTV video clips, love them!
Which song is this? It’s been driving me mad for days, please someone put me out of my misery!
Hahaha JB, it’s “Useless” from the album Ultra by…. Depeche Mode, of course.
Thanks, SP! I knew the lyrics, but just couldn’t place them! 🙂
I love the way you describe empaths, HG.
I caught every one of those song lines.
I was,made to fall in love with myself <3
And now I am made for combat.
Dear Narcissist,
Thank you.
Your honesty is refreshing HG. Thank you HG.
You are welcome.
I am a Super Empath and I was ensnared with a Mid Ranger in New York. I could tell something was off with him from the beginning, but I put those feelings aside for I was enraptured with the love bombing. That nagging feeling that something is off with him was always there and it just kept getting louder and louder that something is off with him. Eventually, I started avoiding him and then the hoovering a.k.a. stalking started. I have never been with a Greater. I have no doubt a Greater would be able to tell if they are with a Super Empath. Would be interesting to see whether or not the Greater would be able to con a True Super Empath.
Your first sentence sounds like a film title.
“Ensnared in New York” 😀
Directed by: H.G. Tudor
Script: H.G. Tudor
Starring: H.G Tudor
😀
Good to see that you are learning.
Very good. Hmmm. I could reenact for the female lead. Although being a Greater, I’m sure HG would be much smoother than a Mid ranger, and play it in a more James Bond like manner.
Duchess
If I remember correctly, HG’s current partner SM is a Super Empath, so do you think she’s been conned or is playing along for her own reasons?
I think super Empaths can still be conned as evidenced by the experiences mentioned here plus she’s not exactly dating a lesser
Witch, Its interesting. I knew something wasn’t right and I still fell for the con with my husband and workplace narc.
To touch on your other comment, my mother and husband are both narcissists and they continue to con me even with me knowing that they are narcissists. I actually think I con myself. The problem is that I’m still sucked in and can’t leave because leaving makes me feel like a bad person because they can’t take care of themselves. They are sneaky little bastards.
The summer narc insisted that it always turns to hate and usually starts with “You Bastard!!” Lol!!
Summer narc sounds like my workplace narc. He would always said to me, its going to turn bad, it always does. I thought it was weird when he said it.
It is weird, they know the end but they just keep doing it. The fuel and control raise their ugly heads again here I guess.
Leigh, ‘I knew something wasn’t right but…’ – same here. I knew very, very early on. Lesson for the future!
What you said about being sucked in still – I understand that feeling too. It’s not easy, especially when it’s a ‘close’ relative and of advancing years. Does that make us the bigger person? The problem is, unless the person is out and out horrible every minute, you feel guilty about ‘abandoning’ them. My dad has moments where he appears bouncy, super happy, and for a moment I think I am overreacting, but then things change to narc-like again..
JB says – I knew very, very early on. Lesson for the future!
Absolutely, its a lesson for the future! Now when I see the signs, I will run not walk away as fast as I can.
It always go back to them being narc-like because they are narcs. We have to stopping hoping it will change. Hope is a nasty 4 letter word. Hope cons us, just like the narcissist.
Leigh,
I think it’s not so much hoping he will change as me starting to think maybe I have overreacted and he’s not really a narcissist, I’m being too sensitive, reading too much into x or y, etc. But I know deep down that he is.
JB says, I think it’s not so much hoping he will change as me starting to think maybe I have overreacted and he’s not really a narcissist, I’m being too sensitive, reading too much into x or y, etc.
So true! That’s the con! They have you second guessing yourself. That’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t care why they behave the way they do. If someone’s behaviors are toxic to me, I’m done. I dont care if they are a narcissist or not.
Anyone new in my life that exhibit these behaviors, I won’t let in. I’m slowly moving on from the current ones in my life. My father has passed, my mother i haven’t seen since COVID and we only talk on the phone once a month for 5 minutes. Now I just have to move on from my husband.
Leigh, your 2nd paragraph – this is going to become my mantra – ‘If someone’s behaviours are toxic to me, I’m done. I don’t care if they are a narcissist or not.’ I know that I tolerate too much, simply because I always look at where the other person is coming from (and end up feeling sorry for them and making allowances where I should just tell them to bugger off), and sometimes they just don’t deserve it.
JB, that’s always been my problem too. I put myself in their shoes and then feel bad for them and make excuses for them. We can’t do it anymore.
I would take on their pain for them because on some level I knew they couldn’t handle it.
The first time I heard “My Immortal” by Evanescence, it resonated with me. That was almost 20 years ago. I knew it in my gut then.
Mr. Tudor is right. When you know, you go!
Leigh, absolutely. We can’t do it anymore. Just going to take a while to break old habits!
Of course we can! Many of us just don´t stay long, we figure out or we decide that enough is enough, fight back and escape.
JB
If you need to google someone’s behaviour, guess what he is.
Haha, AC. That’s a pretty succint answer for all those who are questioning.
Another Cat,
I never thought of it like that. You are spot on! I googled the behaviours and that was the only diagnosis which kept coming up.
We are all conned to some extent. No one escapes it. Not even the narcissist.
NA, that’s an interesting question. My guess is she may know something is off but she’s still being conned. Most people have no understanding of narcissism. Even if SM does understand it, unless she’s coming to Mr. Tudor’s blog, she’s getting alot of misinformation. Also, if she is playing along for her own reasons, she is still in fact, ensnared by a narcissist psychopath so I still think she’s being conned.
Its interesting though, I wonder if she does have a gut feeling about Mr. Tudor.
Fair observations, Leigh.
“Also, if she is playing along for her own reasons, she is still in fact, ensnared by a narcissist psychopath so I still think she’s being conned.”
excellent point. There are people who believe they can manage the narcissist. One of my sisters’ thinks she can manage my mother and says my mother doesn’t effect her and she can ignore her with zero guilt…okay, so why can’t she let go if she’s really the one that’s in control??? She THINKS she’s in control but if that was really the case why is she struggling to go no contact?
Hi Witch, hadn’t seen your for a few days, hoping you’re doing well.
It is tempting to believe I can manage my mother. Your comment brings home how silly this thinking is.
@A victor
my friend said in reference to her narc mother that she should just learn to not allow her mother to effect her, I told her she will effect you because you’re in her presence, it’s inevitable.
I think the problem for a lot of people is they think a bad mother is better than no mother. But it’s not true because they ruin most things that are potentially good for you.
I get along with my gf’s family but if my mother was in the picture I know she would start something probably some kind of argument with my gf’s mum or something. Trying to manage a narc is a second job I don’t have time for and I’m not even paid for.
@Witch, you speak the truth. There is no way of being around her without being affected. I am literally living in a separated part of the house, coming and going from that point, until I decide what to do longer term. This is so new, I didn’t know until a few weeks ago that I was dealing with a narcissist and that there is a good plan for doing so. I am motivated, I agree that no mother is better than a bad one, in fact, she hasn’t even been a mother to me in many ways, ever. But, things are moving, not as quickly as I would like sometimes but they are. Thank you for your honest appraisal, I need to hear that. And the black and white way you’re dealing with it, very helpful.
Witch
“Trying to manage a narc is a second job I don’t have time for and I’m not even paid for”
Hard agree.
One is always being conned because the narcissist is not real. One is interacting with the False Self. Always.
Are you speaking of narcissists in general here or HG and SM specifically? Or both? This is such an interesting comment, I know it’s true, I just hadn’t put it in that perspective yet.
I think if SM is not being conned, both she and HG are in on it. Not guessing as to whether she is being conned or not, I just don’t believe but we know we are not privy to everything, obviously, and as such anything is possible.
Both.
This: “I just don’t believe” should not have been in my comment, it wasn’t edited correctly, please disregard it.
Leigh, I agree with you. I don’t usually comment about HG and SM’s relationship but I find this question fascinating. From my perspective, the answer doesn’t reside on the nature of SM as much as on the nature of HG.
Thats very true. Its not a balanced playing field. Mr. Tudor is the one with all the power and control.
I’ve witnessed narcissits become conned by other narcissits… so anyone has the ability to be conned, our reactions to the coming however … will differ.
What I do hope is that SM at least steals something on the way out.. because that’s what I would do.
shove those over priced candle holders in my suit case… slip in those silk bed sheets and that, what can I cary under my jacket? I will find something
Bbwwahahahaha! I luv u, Witch.
Hahahaha Witch. Console table by the front door! ( put it in the middle of your clothes rail and wheel it out). Now there’s a memento that would sting a bit!
Haha, Steve Martin in The Jerk! Only, in this case, you wouldn’t be the jerk! Haha!!
Take the expensive bag with you, SM!
Take the oldest vintage wine from the wine cellar, heck clear out the damn wine cellar when HG is away
Wait wait
Throw a house party while HG is away for the week, and finish all the vintage wine
And snatch his favourite cuff links and take one of the metal hobs from the stove and loosen the toilet seat just for the inconvenience
In fact…
Why not have some fun in the library by carefully cutting out the 100th page from every book with a ruler and scalpel. Don’t tear it out because that shows too much emotion
Why not enjoy prison because you would prefer to remain there compared to what awaits you when you get out.
I would take away your vinyl collection, and you know it. Nothing personal.
Don´t be naive.
You would really take me through the soft as poo poo UK criminal justice system? I would get a suspended sentence and even my probation officer would laugh at the story
I knew the idea of a loose toilet seat would get to you. Those are the worst 🤣
You do not move in the circles I move in. You would be going to prison.
“Don’t tear it out because that shows too much emotion”
Haha, Witch!!
I’m still laughing at my own joke
Because now I’m imagining CCTV footage being played in court of me dancing on the table at the house party 😭
Pahahahahaha!
Okay but that would be a hilarious tale to tell in prison when asked what you’re in for
Okay if we were being realistic empaths…
The plan would be to remove one of the hobs from the stove and place it behind the cooker and loosen the toliet seat. you would also probably get away with stealing the cuff links as no evidence you’ve taken them unless HG has cameras in every corner of the house.
Avoid prison but get fuel at the thought of HG sliding on the toilet yyyyyeeeeaaaahhhh
I lift the toilet seat when I take a piss, so I would notice it has been tampered with.
Hob is integrated, you won’t be able to move it.
Camera would pick up on the theft of the cuff links.
Alright I’m going to have to take one for the team and go jail.. I hope my prison wife is cute
Witch,
No camera in the bathroom, I repeat, no camera in the bathroom.
Suggest mixing Self Tanner into his moisturiser before you leave.
What’s the charge for doing a Heard turd? (Amber Heard taking a shit on Johnny Depp’s pillow).
Good to see the education here coming into play on the lowered emotion in cutting and not tearing haha.
TS …Hydrogen peroxide in the shampoo and conditioner “hello Eminem”
Okay, HG, why is everybody mad at you?
Are they? Oh you mean the children? I was busy focussed on something else.
Witch,
Ha ha the fullest respect to you. I am such an amateur!!
HG,
Do you have a copper bath?
“What’s the charge for doing a Heard turd? (Amber Heard taking a shit on Johnny Depp’s pillow).”
If it’s the first offence likely to be a slap on the wrist. it may fall under criminal damage. A suspended sentence – some community service
Or maybe a fine you never pay anyway. Or it may never even make it to court.
If HG starts making diva calls then who knows?
“I was busy focussed on something else“
hhmmm busy Installing extra cameras just in case yeah? 🤣 you can never be too careful when your IPPS can go supernova at any time
“Oh you mean the children?”
*Quietly walks home with ball.*
Hahha liking your style Witch and SP, yes esp the depeche mode collection or maybe just a deep scratch on each one.
Love you, love you HG Tudor
SP,
“I would take away your vinyl collection, and you know it. Nothing personal.”
Hilarious! (I do hope she does that!)
Just don’t forget to show us the pictures of the message in daffodils in your garden the next year, bwahahaha….
She would be beneath the daffodils.
“Alas, my lord, what do you mean by that?”
Oh, this article makes so much sense out of so many things. I see there is no way to really hide who we are from the narcissist, at least not for long. And that even our narcissistic traits speak to who we are, potentially having the effect of attracting them even more. I had been wondering why the summer narc decided on me when in the first two interactions on that dating forum I was negative to him, now I think I understand. And I fell for his trap hook, line, and sinker the minute he threw it out to me even after the negative interactions. I now understand that we’re appliances right from the outset, before there is even a first contact. I am once again confused about the love bombing/golden period. I thought for a while that first came one, then the other but here it seems simultaneous. It probably doesn’t make a lot of difference as the outcome is the same. I cried through this, it fits too perfectly making it very powerful, overwhelmingly so.
“I am the love fraud and you are my victim” – translated, including further reading understood….
Asp Emp, I couldn’t finished this article . No more further reading for me. Going out for a run!