The Middle Mid Range Narcissist´s Portentous Pity Play Manipulation



“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”

“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”

“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”

“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”

“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”

“To me you are.”

“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”

“Well I am.”

“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”

“What else?”

“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”

“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”

“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”

“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”

“How? By you?”



“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”

“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”

“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”

“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”

“Yes we have haven’t we?”

“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”

“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”

“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”

“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”


“No. We have both suffered previously.”

“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”

“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”

“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”

“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”

“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”

“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”

“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”

“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”

“Do you mean that?”


“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”

“That will never happen. You have me forever.”

“I hope so, I really do.”

“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”

“Okay, same again please.”

“Coming right up. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

24 thoughts on “The Middle Mid Range Narcissist´s Portentous Pity Play Manipulation

  1. ava101 says:

    Is “We shouldn’t have sex anymore / we shouldn’t have contact anymore / you should have ended contact with me earlier, if it hurts you / is bad for you” – – just control or pity play manipulation?

    Or simply straightforward rejection?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Depends if these things are being said by a narcissist. If they are, they are Provocation not Pity Plays.

      1. ava101 says:

        To what end?
        If plenty of fuel had already been given?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You will have to give me more detail as I do not see the earlier matters referred to in my moderation pane.

          1. ava101 says:

            When a mid ranger who is in the middle of receiving a ton of fuel says that the empath shouldn’t have sex with them anymore if the empath isn’t feeling good about being treated badly at the same time, or when a mid ranger says that the empath should break up contact if being in contact is not good for them – – when the empath was kind of snapping because of being toyed with and treated badly – – why are those words a provocation and not a manipulaion, and to what end is such a provocation given, as fuel is flowing already? Isn’t that a manipulation a la keep your mouth shut or you will be completely cast aside?

  2. Asp Emp says:

    I watched a film aired on tv tonight ‘The Shape of Water’. I was intrigued by the female character who was unable to speak but communicated in sign language. At one point during the film, she signed two words (beginning in F and ending in U) – 3 times to this guy who was demanding an answer and he got frustrated because he didn’t know what she was signing and then he kicks the desk….. how I laughed out loud because he was shouting …… she remained calm…….

    ah, bless, the wonders of knowing sign language and being able to use it…… without having to say a word……

    At the end, the poem (that won awards) –
    “Unable to perceive the shape of You, I find You all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with Your love, It humbles my heart, For You are everywhere.” – Guillermo del Toro

    The film did have a happy ending, yet unusual.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      I watched this one some time ago, AspEmp, not sure if I would like it. I did in the end and it definitely appealed to my empathic traits. It was a very unusual story, and had a surprising end in some ways.

      I think I liked the fact they broke down barriers in spite of the obvious differences and were able to create a level of understanding. Of course, it went further than that which made it a lot more weird 😛

      Love the quote you added at the end.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        “I think I liked the fact they broke down barriers in spite of the obvious differences and were able to create a level of understanding” – exactly. Now, apply that ‘lateral thinking’ to a relationship between a narcissist and an educated empath…..

        ” it went further than that which made it a lot more weird” – yes, I agree.

        But, that is what films are about – ‘indirectly’ teaching people (like us) to think differently…… some of these film directors (or those who think of the story) to use ‘lateral’ thinking – a trait that I, luckily, possess – which freaks the lower echelons of ‘unaware’ narcissists (laughing). Just the knowledge, understanding narcissism now, will freak the s**t out of lower echelons…… ah, bless….. wait until Covid-19 is clear and safe…… oh, the excitement of being able to ‘spot’ them and…… oh, I’d better not say…. empath’s grenades all the way…… steam roll them…… not by myself, with a partner in ‘crime’….. even better…..

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          It was interplanetary stuff that could definitely be related to the huge chasm between narcissist and empath. Storytelling is a great way to explore many things and help create greater understanding.

          Not sure who your “partner in crime” might be, but could it be HG? 😉

          1. Asp Emp says:

            Ah, now, calm down….. you’re over-thinking here.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            The book ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy’ made me think and it also ‘freed’ my humour – it’s a really good book.

          3. lickemtomorrow says:

            Haha, AspEmp to your first comment 😛

            I never did read “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. I do remember finding out the answer was the number “42”. So I thought “why read the book when you already know the answer?” Kidding. I’m glad you found it so enjoyable.

            Is the reader still required to work out how the character came to that conclusion or is it obvious? Or does the answer mean it will forever remain a mystery and thus, for some people, the answer 42 is good as any they are going to get? Curious.

  3. Cup Cakes says:

    Pity play is exactly what my ex uses with others and believes there own lies.My ex wasnt in reality at all.ALL THE BEST!!!😁

  4. mollyb5 says:

    The narc I know states he’s just an asshole to justify what he thinks and says.

  5. Eternity says:

    I lived through this for years. The pity play boo hoo big huge long story explanation. Who wants to listen to this crap. I don’t feel sorry for him no more . Tried hoovering me with a sad story about himself just now. Tells me he loves me and wish I never left him. Sending me pictures of us on our wedding day. I just threw up in my mouth

  6. Kiki says:

    Yes I got this too

    One minute I’m his dream girl , the next it’s too complicated let’s be friends.
    Absolutely no change in either circumstances from what I know .
    I think they use the I’ll hurt you etc , as a backup for the eventual devaluation.
    Then you get blameshifted with “You knew it would be complicated “ , I remember thinking it wasn’t complicated a month ago now suddenly it is WTF.
    I’m NC six weeks today 😊 from an upper mid range cerebral.
    Christmas can be tough though when ET kicks in .


  7. Winning Path says:

    Not to encourage the Saviors out there, but … For the Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists, do you think it is a deliberate purposeful manipulation; or is it possible that they truly feel they are flawed, they know they inadvertently ruined and sabotaged prior relationships because of flaws they feel are beyond their control, and they really are hoping that this time their partner will somehow not provoke those things within the narcissist, or that if it does happen, their partner will accept the narcissist as is?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They believe they are flawed, the narcissism tells them that they are so it can be used convincingly as a manipulation.

      1. A Victor says:

        The narcissism tells them they’re flawed but at the same time that they’re superior. And they somehow believe both? Or just that all those who are interior to them are more flawed? Flawed in a less important way? This is confusing but interesting.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Think compartmentalisation. The narcissism allows the narcissist to claim to be flawed as a Pity Play in Moment A. Victim is supportive, therefore providing fuel and control. Pity Play ends. Moment B has commenced and narcissist retains idea of being superior.

          1. A Victor says:

            Okay, that makes sense. That’s a monumental use of compartmentalizing but it explains it. Thanks

        2. Another Cat says:

          A Victor

          One common combination in social media, my FB timeline, seems to be:

          Male Middle Midranger friend who has descriptions of fantastic artistic or engineer work presented on a weekly basis, bragging, bragging,

          and long long texts about depressions, rheumatism, invisible psoriasis which causes great pain, flares of allergies and no medical crew seems to understand, everybody is cold, they feel. Long long long posts, year in, year out. Everybody sends them hearts and presents too. This year it’s been a lot about casting shadow over the pandemic with their own depression posts, but these four or five men do not understand that that is what they are doing.

          1. A Victor says:

            AC, ok, yes, that makes sense too. My mother is good for this type of behavior. Thank you.

  8. lindseymarie says:

    Wow heard some of that, not to that smooth degree but still. “I ruin relationships.” “I don’t want to think of my life without you in it.” “l want to be a better person.” Me going on and on, telling him he was misunderstood and only I saw the good in him! So weird to see all of the dynamics which I experience described on this blog. Educational and important for sure but absolutely bizarre.

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