All I Want For Christmas……is Fuel
Christmas is on the horizon. A veritable fuel frenzy for my kind and a period anticipated with dread by many of our victims. There are those who know only too well the behaviour that will be engaged in which will cause Christmas Day and the surrounding days to descend into misery and chaos. They fear the encroaching festival having endured it year after year. There are others who may be in that first difficult year after their discard and will look back on how Christmas with the narcissist, that first Christmas exceeded any Christmas which had taken place beforehand. Everything was perfect. From the gift shopping together, the family parties, the romantic walks in the snow on a crisp afternoon to the exchange of thoughtful gifts amidst the seasonal and festive surrounds. It was picture perfect and of course was just us hijacking the most wonderful time of the year for our own purposes, using the heightened emotional experience of Christmas to meld with our seduction to make it simply irresistible. The joy and rapture experienced, whether it was attending that first Midnight Mass together, kissing under the mistletoe or singing carols on the way home from the pub, is long gone. All that remains is the memory of that wonderful time and it hurts to be reminded of just how wonderful it was last year, compared to how empty and barren it now feels.
The appetite for Christmas in either case is hugely diminished. The latter, the discarded victim finds no joy in anything any more. There is no desire to deck the halls, no want to attend parties and instead they want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible. For the former, there is the expectation of grinning and bearing it, making it as good as he or she possibly can, albeit with that lurking fear of it all being brought crashing to the ground as a consequence of the narcissistic temper tantrum that will inevitably appear. Just when you thought it was safe to breathe a sigh of relief, having apparently got through the day unscathed, the narcissist will unleash some kind of fuel seeking behaviour from out of nowhere. Thus, you want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible.
Yet for our kind, Christmas presents an extravaganza of fuel-gathering activities. From the antics that will be engaged in during the Secret Santa at work, through the attention-seeking activities over Christmas lunch through to the opportunities afforded to draw in addition fuel at alcohol-infested parties, Christmas is a time of optimum fuel gathering. Chief ingredient however amongst this is the sense of expectation. It has been drummed into you to want a perfect Christmas – chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose – the elegant Christmas tree, carols drifting across the frozen air from outside, the feast prepared for all to eat, the beautifully wrapped presents sat beneath the tree, the family traditions, the mandated goodwill to all. There is meant to be peace, happiness and joy. Expectations are raised and of course this just creates more targets for us to aim at.
You have worked hard to ensure the house is spotless, festooned with festive finery, presents bought and wrapped, relatives organised to attend, cupboards fit to burst with fayre and drink. You have endured the mayhem at supermarkets and department stores, anxiously waited for the delivery drivers to bring your online purchases and so forth. You have created the perfect Christmas tableaux and we are ready with our wrecking ball all in the name of fuel.
For the fortunate few who are in the heady days of seduction, Christmas will be truly magical. Nobody does Christmas like our kind – be it the amazing or the abhorrent. As creatures of the extreme, we surpass all belief. For another lucky group, Christmas may well coincide with a Respite Period and thus all is golden, if only for a few days as we put on our best behaviour and drink up the positive fuel lavished on us by grateful friends and family who are relieved not to have to tread on egg(nog)shells this year.
For the majority however, it is to be endured as we disrupt, spoil, wreck and bring drama on the one time when you really, really do not want it. All in the name of fuel as we greedily drink up your frustrated tears, your angry rants and sobbing hysteria as we ruin yet another Christmas.
So, since all we want for Christmas is fuel, what can you expect from our kind at Christmas? The list is almost endless and here are but some of the behaviours that we roll out at this time of year.
- Failing to buy you anything or something inappropriate such as a flashlight from the garage last minute.
- Berating what you buy for us no matter how thoughtful, how expensive or even if we asked for it.
- Refusing to participate in party games or engaging in them and throwing a hissy fit when we lose or engaging in excessive pettiness about the rules.
- Turning up late or not at all for scheduled festive events.
- Talking in church so people turn and look at us.
- Eating food that was to be saved for other people
- Making the carol singers stand and sing for some time without offering them anything
- Not helping you at all with preparation for Christmas
- Arguing about which visitors to receive and when
- Telling the children that Santa Claus is not real so they cry.
- Telling people what has been bought for them before they can open their present.
- Failing to thank people for gifts or putting their gift choices down
- Sending obviously recycled gifts to other people
- Attending other people’s parties and being drunk and obnoxious
- Excessive flirting with other people much to the embarrassment of our other half and hosts
- Refusing to play carols and insisting on unseasonal dance music or thrash metal being played
- Fiddling on our ‘phones at every opportunity – during Christmas lunch, at church, when the children are opening their presents, when attending drinks at someone else’s house
- Purposefully disappearing at inopportune times – Christmas lunch, carol concert, present opening
- Picking a fight over trivial items such as the pigs in blankets not being done the way we like them, or too many red baubles being placed on the tree.
- Purposefully breaking gifts
- Inviting people round and then refusing to answer the door to them
- Telling children that you have spoken to Santa and he will not be visiting because they have been bad
- Photoshopping a picture of Santa lying in a pool of blood and showing the children telling them that Christmas is cancelled
- Refusing to give you sufficient money to buy things at Christmas or claiming that certain things cannot be afforded and then spending a large sum on ourselves
- Preventing you from attending social events without us
- Putting down your choice of attire when attending a Christmas event
- Not clapping and even booing when attending a Christmas show or pantomime
- Making grand entrances at parties, grand flourishes when giving presents and ensuring that all eyes are on us.
- Getting drunk and insulting people
- Competing with the neighbours for the most illuminated and decorated house in the street
- Refusing to get out of bed on Christmas morning
- Attending sporting events around Christmas and not family ones
- Hogging the television and selecting non-Christmas programmes
- Demanding the decorations be taken down the day after Christmas
- Switching off the oven part way through your cooking so it is either delayed or ruined and then blaming you
- Watching you slave over a hot stove and then suggesting to everybody that you go out to eat instead
- Turning up empty-handed at parties and blaming you for forgetting the gift/food/drink.
- Lavishing attention on one person and ignoring everybody else
- Walking around with mistletoe and kissing people for far too long
- Disrupting/being awkward concerning co-parenting over the Christmas period.
It all adds up to bah humbug!
What have been your narc nightmares at Christmas?
61 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas……is Fuel”
Second last Christmas together…
Christmas dinner at our place. Four adults and a child. I made turkey dinner. It went well, except my ex and my mother had a disagreement over an incident of child discipline. Following that, and just before my mother had to drive several hours to back to her home, (to beat a forecasted snow storm in the weather report) my ex chooses that moment (her car is packed and we are saying goodbyes) to state, very calmly, that he wants nothing more to do with her or anyone related to her.
I am in shock. Internally, I am torn, and feeling like I have to choose between taking sides. I have no choice but to say goodbye to my mother (she is crying as she leaves) because she must get home before the storm. Somewhere, I file that as an example of how reprehensible a person my ex can be. He had attempted to make me choose between him and our child’s grandmother. I chose my child’s well-being, and the desire to NOT have his Christmas memories be ruined by the pettiness of some adults in his life – by not giving in to the provocation towards conflict. But it never, ever sat well with me.
Last Christmas together…
I manage to pull together a decent sit down turkey dinner despite the circumstances. Even I am impressed.
He compliments my efforts and despite everything being a shambles, this compliment makes me feel good.
He has to later ruin that by starting with his cryptic and unnerving accusations…my happy mood vanishes, as the hair stands up on the back of my neck in my uneasiness…and the dawning revelation that I need to get out – but how?
Sometimes the individuality of narcs and how human and normal some can appear still amazes me. We didn’t really celebrate Christmas traditionally but matrinarc still made us nice food and we were allowed some buck fizz and baby sham so it was actually pretty good around this time. They only issues were because of the amount of narcs in my family and the fact my mother fell out with everyone, over time we didn’t have visitors or visited extended family. So it wasn’t like what you see on TV with 30 people sat round a table or anything like that.
I didn’t have the horrible Christmas experiences many here had either, my mother being kept in check always by my father. And he liked Christmas traditions done a certain way so she did it. I am thankful for the check he kept on her, as much as he did, as much as he was allowed to know.
The Christmas experiences with my ex were much worse, always a fight between he and I, my poor children, and though he liked to shine through gift giving and his charm, it was always a drunk-fest at his family’s home, he didn’t drink then but he might as well have. There was typically a fight at some point, it wasn’t fun.
Luckily I didn’t have children with the narcissist so Christmas wasn’t really a thing for us.
I can’t really remember what Christmas was like with the first narc … all I remember is he and his family were boring and I don’t remember spending Christmas with them.
His mum was nice and when she left her narc (my narc’s dad) she would show me all the high heels she’s bought and talk to me about how she is now going out clubbing with her friends, but my narc didn’t like it and told her to stop speaking to me about her shoes. I feel bad for her because her kids are smelly little chavs. Her daughter agreed with my narc (her brother) that I shouldn’t wear certain things because I’m not single. Little does she know her brother doesn’t give 2 F’s about her and wasn’t even going to visit her in the hospital after she gave birth, I told him he has to go and see her and the baby.
So happy I didn’t marry into that family.
Wow, no kidding! Families can be so messed up! I’m glad you didn’t too!
My list of narc nightmares can go all the way back to childhood. For me Christmas was always a horrible event, a trifecta, as I celebrate a birthday during Christmas week (between Christmas and New Years) and to make matters worse, I was born on my parent’s first wedding anniversary. I was pretty much mistreated, ignored, and neglected for many years. I could write a book or three as to what I endured over the holidays plus the birthdays. I witnessed so much abhorrent behaviour from my parents and then later from relationships and friends during the holidays. I never really got to have my own day until my mother passed. The narcs really like to ruin Christmas, with the yelling rampages, violence, drunken episodes, ruining the meals, storming out and going off somewhere else, giving inappropriate gifts or none at all, and so on. Then they like to ruin my birthday as well given it is just a couple of days after that. But this year, I can do whatever the hell I want. My family is not anywhere nearby (hey are geographically located elsewhere in the country) plus with the pandemic there is no travel at this time. So I have put up my decorations. I will watch whatever on the television I want when I want. I can listen to as much festive music as I desire. I will prepare whatever I want to eat. I can enjoy some wine or maybe eggnog (add the rum!). I can buy whatever I want as a present to myself. But the best gift this year is the last narc has been gone since March (thank you pandemic!) and I am maintaining no contact. I can enjoy this Christmas and my birthday in peace and quiet. Yay for me. It will be quiet to be on my own but that is okay. Fa la la la la la la la la la! Merry Christmas to me 8)
Enjoy the gift of peace and quiet this year. In reality, you’re on your own when you’re with a narc anyway – there’s nothing there but illusion.
Very true NarcAngel. I will enjoy the festive season! No games or manipulations to be had. He is someone else’s problem now.
Enjoy your Christmas and Birthday as we shared the exact Childhoood. Probably even have the same birthday… Have a very merry Christmas and a very happy birthday dear!
Most likely the case Dee, we may have had very similar experiences!! A very merry Christmas and a happy birthday to you as well!
Wow, that is long list of shitty things to do.
This will be the best Holidays without the ex.
No pity play
Ive never felt so great in my life.
Being made to stay in bed until Stepnarc got up (which would always be late because he would have been drinking the night before).
Being made to file past the tree and any presents in the living room to eat breakfast (without mother and SN) in the kitchen and then remain there silent until he said we could come in.
Being screamed at until the little ones are crying and had some things of ours broken (so we would know what it felt like) after he fell on the stairs and declared he had tripped over one of our toys. We turned on the light to show him there was nothing there (he was hungover and tripped).
Another screamfest when he put the camera down in a chair and the flash was hot and burned a hole in the chair. It was all our fault and we were useless. Things were broken and we were threatened not to cry. We were told to smile and have a “Merry Fucking Christmas”
Waking to hear a commotion and throwing myself in front of my (very small) brother and on to SN because he was beating him for being excited and sneaking down to see if Santa had been yet.
Being told our presents were wrong color, wrong size, or that he had no use for whatever the gift was.
Watching (as company arrived or when we went to someones house) SN become the life of the party. All smiles and chatter until they (or we) left, when our infractions and his disappointments would be noted and threats issued.
Visiting SN’s narc mother and being subjected to humiliation through comments and gifts far inferior to those given the other children (my mother as well). One year I got a couple of plastic combs (the kind sold 8 in a bag for one dollar. Yeah, I’m THAT old haha) while other kids got toys. My mother got huge white cotton underwear far too big for her. This all demanded to be opened in front of other family. I handed my combs back and said she should return them because some were missing. I paid for that.
Yeah, Christmas can be special with a narc.
NA, fuck that crap! I am so sorry.
“he put the camera down in a chair and the flash was hot and burned a hole in the chair” – laughing
Thank you for sharing your experiences – unbelievable & chaotic.
NA, your story makes me sad. I hope you have better holidays now. Thank you for sharing this.
Sadly those (and worse) are the memories of many ACONs and will be the reality for many children presently. For some the issue at Christmas will be of loneliness and longing, for others it is violence and danger.
Both can kill, though.
Thank you for sharing. They really are pieces of shit!
That’s truly awful. I’m so sorry you went through that. As a daughter of a narc, I can say I have successfully blocked out most of my childhood. I really don’t remember much at all.
Lindseymarie, same, not many memories at all, thankfully.
very courageous everytime you went to save your brother.
So happy to be single! It’ll be me and my fur baby with some truffle mac and cheese and tinned tuna.
Sounds good to me.
Well earned lol
Quick question please.
Which article is it where you talk about the narcissist’s wheel of pain? Is it a Knowledge Vault item or an article? Can’t remember for the life of me.
Halting the Hurt. It is The Narcissist´s Wheel of Misery.
I can go on and on about this. In 35 years together with my husband, I have received only 4 gifts. One gift was when we were first together. Another year, I got two gifts. Of those two gifts, only one of them was useful. The other gift was ugg like boots. If you knew me, you would know, that I would never wear those. I don’t own one single pair. They are way to casual for me. The other time, I picked out the gift myself. At least that time I knew I would like the gift.
His family is HUGE and he doesn’t help with the shopping, wrapping and for years he didn’t give me any money at all. The past couple of years he gave me some money but no where near enough.
When our kids were little, he would sleep until 2pm and make them wait to open their presents. One year, I had them open them without him and he was not a happy camper. He always made them wait and that year I decided they weren’t going to wait. He smeared me with EVERYBODY! He told everybody what I did and of course, I was the bad guy. I had to defend myself the whole day.
My parents, both narcs, never celebrated Christmas either. My siblings and I never received gifts from our parents. Sometimes we got gifts from our grandmother. That was always nice.
Needless to say, I’m not to fond of Christmas. I try to make it special for my children but other than that, I could give a rat’s ass about it.
Leigh, I don’t think the naming of those boots “Ugg” was a coincidence.
“received only 4 gifts”….. in my view, it is not about ‘gifts’, it is about spending time with loved ones….. my grandmother used to say “don’t buy me anything” and she meant it, yet she would lavish me & my sister (especially me, cos I was her favourite)……
Yes, the best gift is your time. He doesn’t give me or the children his time either. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want it now anyway.
Gifts in my family are really important as a symbol of caring. We spend the whole year analyzing what the other person likes and taking notes, calling the other siblings secretly to talk about it and make plans. It’s not about the money, it’s about showing that you really know the person and care. I think we developed that as a substitute for the lack of attention my father gave to us, at last gifts planning was comforting. Regardless of what I got, I always smiled and screamed: “yay!!! Just what I wanted!!” That has become a family anthem. I already sent surprises abs they got shocked this morning to see what I sent. It makes me extremely happy.
*and, not abs. Hmmm, slip of the tongue? Haha
In my view – caring and being there for the ones closest to you – yes, some wine & food additional…… (well, gotta eat sometime!).
Sweet P, I agree. The best part is finding something that you know the other person will love. I remember buying my daughter a $6 gift. I knew how much she would love it. It cost more to have it shipped to me. She absolutely loved it though. She still has it in her room, 15 years later.
Leigh, always at this time of the year I travel back home, and every year I get a calendar of yellow labs for my little brother who owns one. This has become a tradition, and he expects that calendar with a lot of excitement. It’s not expensive at all, but he uses it as his personal planner. Needless to say, he’s not gonna see me in person this year. But he got his lab calendar yesterday in the mail. You can’t imagine how emotional he got. That’s the kind of gift giving I enjoy. I am sure your daughter adored your gift since it’s been with her all this time. It’s not about the cost, it’s about the feelings you put on it.
Asp Emp, as I was thinking about this today, I thought of something else. Its something that I remember all the time so I must have just blocked it yesterday. My father left on December 23, 1984. No goodbye, nothing. We woke up and he was gone. You’re right its not about the gifts, its about being there and my parents, nor my husband has ever really been there.
Thank you – it is about being there 🙂
That’s so sad Leigh 😞 I hope one day you leave your husband so you can give yourself the greatest gift of all… your freedom. ❤️❤️
So true! I seem to take on their pain for them. I need to stop doing that.
Leigh, he made your kids wait until 2 pm to open presents on Christmas Day? That’s heartbreaking to hear. The joy of Christmas morning destroyed. So sorry that happened. I would have been furious. Your parents never celebrated Christmas so your memories of it weren’t good either. I hope you and your children can start building positive memories around the holiday to break the pattern.
My mom is actually Jewish but she never celebrated Hanukkah either. I probably should have clarified that yesterday. Yes, I try to build more positive memories around the holidays for my children. They both love the holidays, so that’s a definite plus. Thank you Lindseymarie!
Christmas nightmare from my childhood every year, on repeat: my mother enslaving herself in the kitchen and decorating the house to receive my uncle, aunt and cousins for Christmas dinner, and my father spending all day at the bar downstairs, celebrating with his pals, and not coming back on time. Arriving late after my mom’s constant begging on the phone and visibly inebriated. My mom’s sobbing and threatening to cancel dinner shortly before my family showed up. My siblings and I crying and begging her not to do it.
And then I wonder why I suffer from anxiety.
It all starts from peoples upbringing
Cup Cakes, that’s what Freud said…
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Hopefully your holidays are better now.
Leigh, ironically I will miss them terribly and they will miss me because despite all, I was always able to help my mom, encourage her to hang Christmas decorations (which she hates till this day) tell jokes, and sing and dance to entertain them. I’m the histrionic empath! But this covid year it will be my Empath husband and me with our furry family, which will definitely be empty of drama.
Also, Albert will be with you this Christmas.
# 1. Well, at least a torch is handy!
# 3. Hissy fit (laughing)
# 5. (laughing)…… brilliant! Causing disruption, loving it (laughing)
# 10. My grandfather did actually tell me this – I think it was 2 years before my dad passed away – my dad went BALLISTIC
# 13. (laughing)….. that is what I do anyway! (laughing)
# 19. Bloody hell (laughing)
# 21. Absolutely hilarious!
# 22. Damn, I knew I should have been a ‘good’ girl (laughing)
# 23. How macabre (still laughing at it though)
# 27. Hilarious!
# 31. Agree (laughing)
# 34. I haven’t really bothered with Xmas decorations, yet I have them, boxed away
Laughing RE: numbers: 6; 7; 11; 12; 14; 16; 17; 18; 32; 33; 35; 37.
RE: Torch…….My sister used to keep one under her pillow or under her bed – so when ‘mother’ had said “goodnight” and buggered off – my sister and I would communicate – without the use of voices, as she had learned to lip-read me….. until one day, ‘mother’ took the torch away (fkg b**ch). Then my sister and I were forced to learn to communicate by my sister ‘drawing’ letters on my hand or my back – through my night clothes – spelling the words and I would have my hand under her chin and she’d nod or shake her head to confirm I understood what she ‘wrote’ – in the dark. ‘Mother’ did not know this. It was not as if she could cut our hands off…….
Q: What have been your narc nightmares at Christmas? ‘Mother’ drinking from 11.00am and leaving me & my sister to do xmas dinner……. I am just so glad I do not have to put up with ‘mother’s’ BS any more……
OMG, I had 2 of my N uncles at Christmas last year at my place arguing about politics.
They were banging at the table that the candle that was lite flew off and got the carpet on fire. Thank god for the fire extinguisher in the kitchen. They just ruined everything. Thank god I wont be seeing those turkeys for Xmas this year bunch of clowns plus they emptied out the bar got drunk and was cracking dirty jokes in front of young kids and telling them Santa is not real.
Well, that sounds as if Xmas was absolutely ‘chaos’ all through the day! I absolutely hated Xmas with ‘mother’ – hated it. I’ve spent it on my own for 9 years (family too far away) so I would just do what I wanted – didn’t have to do anything and it was bliss, yet, I did miss the company of people in general……
Aww Eternity x
Haha it sounds like my family house! My dad decided one night to light a firecracker my little brother bought called “Dragon Ball.” Inside the dining room. On the carpet. When that thing started to turn around in sparkles and fire, he covered his head with a cushion! My mom had to come to the rescue and extinguish it. We laugh now, but at that moment it was terrifying. The carpet was totally ruined of course.